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474119 tn?1273841478

I let my guard down!

Well guys…..I was closing in on 1yr 8months clean. However today I made a BIG mistake…..I took Heroin. Yep…I failed. I took it once…..and I do NOT plan on taking it again….it was a stupid mistake that I am going to regret now……604days clean, ruined for one small high!
All it has done, is make me feel bad, guilty and disgusted with myself and disgusted that I let this happen. Whats hurting the most now…is that I  know my very good friends on here are gonna be very hurt/disappointed with me doing this……that is sooooo heartbreaking. I am so Sorry Guys.

I know this addiction is going to be with me for the rest of my life and i MUST keep my guard up….but I obviously let mine slip down.

I have had some major issues with my mother, she gets a buzz outta seeing me hurt bad. If she see’s a small amount of happiness shining through…she does everything in her power to bring me crashing straight back to the ground. I can usually get back up and keep going, its hard but I usually manage, but this time….I struggled so hard to lift my spirits. I know this may sound harsh….but my mother hates me (because I look and remind her of my father….and because I was the ‘odd one out’ in 9 children, I have no idea what she means by the ‘odd one out’). She truly hates me….yet I thrive for her attention….all I want is for my Mum to tell me she loves me….maybe I sound like a big baby by wanting that……but I would give anything just to hear her say those 3 little words! She tells my 8 siblings she loves them, but has never once said it to me….not once given me a hug…..not given me a b/day card or Christmas pressie since I was 8.….maybe I am at fault….maybe I am the odd one out! Who knows?
Maybe I should cut her off….no matter how hard its gonna be for me….maybe that is the only option I have now….I CAN NOT keep living like this!

Anyhow, I am not trying to make it sound like my Mothers actions upon me made me take that s**t…..I know it was all my decision…my choice…..I let my guard down and fell like a ton of bricks.
I cant go to NA meetings….this is the only after care I have….you guys are the only people that know about my addiction, so please don’t beat me down….I have done enough of that myself…… I just wanted to let people know how easy it is to slip if we don’t keep our guards up!

Once again…I’m so sorry guys…..so deeply sorry!

I would like to say one more thing…..….before posting this I spoke to a good friend on here and told her what I had done, I apologised for my actions and thought she would be so mad with me…instead we spoke for ages and she helped me gain the courage to post this and tried to help me stop beating myself up about what I had done, THANK YOU Lesa……this forum is a God send and I thank the Angels for people like Lesa and everyone else on this forum……I’m just so sorry for doing this!
56 Responses
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460185 tn?1326077772
If you ever feel like making a "stupid choice" or playing mind games again, adopt a shih tzu with an attitude.  They are guaranteed (well, maybe not) to make you wonder why you adopted them in the first place; then act really cute and lovable before driving you crazy bouncing around the room when you want to take them for a walk.

No, I think a cat would be better  = P

I'm quite aware this comment is frivolous and superficial  = (

Hugs and hairballs



Helpful - 0
597547 tn?1251036764
im really inspired by your honesty and genioun-ness (haha sp??)

i've never quit oc till recently, but i know when i quit dipping and messd up and started again, that it was SOOO hard to jump right back on board, even when i felt the same feelings you are talking about.

so proud of you, keep on fighting the good fight

its our only choice, we are going to hurt one way or the other, make your hurting worth while, and then it wont be but a short time instead of taking all of your life!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Its just so good to have you back going in the direction you want to be going......

The Sweetest thing I can see with this is you are learning from the choices you make.....Also with you finding a degree of happiness with those choices, look at how happy your friends are.....

Yes, you are so right the support system here is just so great.....Everyone here should be so proud of themselves that they take the time to care about someone in this way...... I believe that is due to the reality check that people here make ...... That being, they  know the struggle of day to day life and just how easy it is to slip up.....

Even without slipping,  these great people check on each other so everybody knows they are not alone..... Loneliness is  a difficult feeling especially in a crowded world.....
You give back so much more than you take that is why you are so loved...... Keep up the good work, it gets better .......Gator


Helpful - 0
474119 tn?1273841478
Thank you again Guys.....thank you so much!

Well its been 3 days since the stupid choice i made....i'm hanging in ok. 'Mind games' have eased somewhat now.....so thats good. NEVER again.......never!

The support offered here....is outstanding! All i can say is.........you guys are AMAZING! Thank you from the bottom of my heart......thank you so much!

Hope you all have a good weekend.....
HUGS
Helpful - 0
460185 tn?1326077772
MJ is a very wise person - just like lostdreams


Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
All I can do is stand up and applaud!  What courage to even post that here.  To just go ahead and say that wow I messed up.  Sounds like you have a lot of stress in your life and catalysts I call them that cause you to or drive you to slip.  When you clean your body, sometimes you have to clean your life as well, and that might mean cuttin the bad influences in your life.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Not knowing a lot about recovery issues , I find your response quite sensible and responsible..... At least to me.....
To recognize the act as something one feels bad about is to recognize something has to be paid closer attention to...

It would seem to me what is effective for the individual is the best route to follow....
I may be wrong,  and by all means correct me if I am, what works for one doesn't always work for another.....

It would seem to me the point is not to capture, sentence, and shoot the person at sunrise...... But to have that person get back and stay on track as soon as possible......

Being an outsider on the issue, I dont think it is so much a matter of one set of rules for all...... The way I see it, supporting the person and helping them become successful in their challenge is just as important.....

All wars are not fought on the same front.... Nor are the all won by the same tactics.....

Again I think it was very wise of you to make the point that you did.......... Gator
Helpful - 0
477746 tn?1254784547
Hey! I know things have been chaotic for you recently and you haven't had much time to be online and I've sent you a message already, but I'm missing you and sending prayers out for you!
Helpful - 0
365714 tn?1292199108
I'm just an outsider, with a gaming addiction... But when I saw my therapist this week, I had a pressing question. I always wondered what happens to people with long term soberity and slip for one day or one time, if they have to start over or can continue counting on, minus the day.

He said it depends on the person. Some people keep on counting and admit their slip, but get right on the wagon. Others start over, saying I screwed up, I'm goin gto learn and start over.
The important part is they learn what they need to learn and keep on the sober path and not so much the day counting.

I hope this helps in some way.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
im not sure what you mean.  you said has anyone heard of being clean 2 years with 1 bump and 2 slips?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Wow...  i am not looking down on anyone, and lostdream i know how you feel, i know the guilt and the pain and having no one  to blame but myself, and yes honesty is most important...i'm just wondering has anyone heard of being 2 years clean with 1 bump and 2 slips?  just a thought
Helpful - 0
460185 tn?1326077772
I ate the ice cream - sorry  = (

Will get some more and send it to you.  An ice cream party to celebrate your "clean 604 days just take away one".  I'm not trying to trivialize how you feel - not at all - it was a setback, part of being human.

Hugs


Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
you are not disappointing anyone here I would imagine it is an addiction and this is what it does unless we find the key. I am not one to ever thro stones and know you are back at the right place so much more than alot of folks get the chance or desire to do.. Hang in there and try not to get at it again......
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Not that easy when only one would show up....Not being rude just up front......
Her "mom" is self centered.....Doesn't care about others.....So she would think therapy would only be necessary for lostdreams.....
My father is exactly the same way......In all my years I have never heard him call me by name....But this is not about me.....Just that I can totaklly relate to this type of abuse....And that is exactly what it is ABUSE.....It just says these people tend to discard people like yesterdays trash....... Sure would like to be with them on the last day...... You can bet there will be a lot of fireworks..... I would think the question that is going to come up will be,,,,,, "I gave you a beautiful child, what did you do with it"?
treating children in this way is disrespect for the great creator...... OH!!!   OH!!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
ever thought about going to therapy with your Mom?
Helpful - 0
464054 tn?1223823033
Accept however hard it is that you Mom has failings and not YOU.  We are all human and none of us every really get it "right"??  This comes from many years a chasing a Dad that just was never going to be "that Dad"  in the end I have just accepted he has limitations i guess like us all and that does make it easier to bare XX
Helpful - 0
464054 tn?1223823033
You dont have to LET go of your Mother but let go of the "dream", theway you want it to be cause it will never happen and you will always be sad and disappointed.  You are probably something special you Mother wishes she was and it may be hard for her to face what she is clearly lacking.  So what I am saying is accept her with her limitations and all.  Yes, you may well be the different one of the bunch - but thats not a bad thing!
You can NEVER change your mother, you can ONLY change your reactions to her.  It is a sad fact of life that our parents arent always the people we want them to be or what they should be but dont ket her failings becomes the maker of yours xxx  
Helpful - 0
474119 tn?1273841478
What can I say….the support you guys have shown here is outstanding! I love you guys to pieces. You guys are the best….I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart…….THANK YOU…….I have no idea where I would be without ya’ll. Well….I do…..I’d be in that nihilistic world of modern hell. Some place I never want to go again! EVER! Thank you all so much, you all mean the world to me…….My Family!

I know I have disappointed myself by doing what I did….I totally regret it. I understand my Mother was the trigger in all this and I know what must be done to prevent this from happening again….I know if I keep letting her hurt me the way she does…I will be ruined. That I do not want. I know it could be so much easier if I cut her out of my life…….but I find it so hard….I really do. I know I need to try harder because I am tired of being hurt….I can honestly say that if this happens again….I don’t think I could get through the ‘other’ side…….

So…..I made that terrible decision yesterday….regret it so much…..but cant turn back the clock…therefore I have to live with that!
I started back at work today……boy that was hard….I woke this morning feeling horrible…..not a nice feeling at all. All day I have been thinking about what happened and the more the day has gone on the more I regret it….BUT…..my mind is now playing games with me……I don’t want to take again…but my head keeps saying ‘one more will be ok’….ya know? Even though I know it WONT be ok……. So now I am trying to keep my mind occupied with other stuff……

Anyway.....thank you all again....This is for everyone:

Angels lift us to our feet when our wings have
trouble remembering how to fly
MedHelp Members you've been my angels
Such support, an aide, a crutch
A friend, not just in fair weather but foul
And I'm grateful ever so much
JB © 2007

And WHO mentioned ice cream?????? Lol

Love to you all. Thank you so much
Hugs
Helpful - 0
464054 tn?1223823033
Like someone else posted you are STILL clean 604 days just take away one!  Dont be hard on yourself as that will fuel the fire.  I am not an addict myself but am watching my brother do Oxy, Meth, Crack - anything he can get his hands on! So im sorry i dont understand your pain only understand it from the other side.  I understand a parent not loving you as you feel they should - all i can say is its NOT you, you have to stop chasing that dream because you will be chasing it forever and you get to the finish line and you life has slipped by and still they dont see what a lovely person you are or give what is rightfully yours.  Take love wheverever you can get it, cherish it and dont ever look back!  Well Done xx I wish my brother were half as strong as you xx God Bless
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
This poem, did you write it? It's beautiful. If you don't mind I would like to share it with my son. I am new to this site and have read all these wonderful supporting words for Lost. I don't know any of you, but I am so happy to have found this place. My son is also a heroin addict, I love him and support him. I feel sorry for you Lost for your mothers "loss", no child (adult or not) should be without a mothers love. You must be a very special person though, because you are very loved by the people in this group.
My son is supposed to be coming to my house in the next few days to detox from methadone. I will have hime come to this website, I know he will find the support he needs.
Lost, I'm not an addict and I can't share what you know or how you feel. But I am a person of love and care, I have watched what drugs (heroin/methadone) have done to my son and I know from that stand point that it is devistating. You have come so far and from what is sounds you have loved yourself for being sober. Life is so long, not short like people say. One day of your life is but a speck on your entire existance. This little set back was just a little speck from the entire time of your success.
Good luck to you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
The pain of twisted dreams

So she grabbed you…Wrapped her loving arms around you….. Took you down to her den of dreams……..All was ok or so it seemed…..

The Jasmine drifted through the air……You floated around without a care……. Trading places with yourself for a while……But you couldn’t even manage a smile….. The room was what it used to be……And there you found you couldn’t be free….. Wanting more than what anyone could give…..Now you know that’s no way to live….. Think of yourself for a while….Buried deep within the pain is a smile…..Come with me I’ll show you the way…..If it takes forever and a day…… I’m gonna stay right here so take my hand….. I gave it to you , remember the plan? You can do it ,you’ve done it before…….Just go through the open door….On the other side is all your friends…… They all have outstretched their hands…. They know what you’ve been through …..They traveled this same road too…. Why don’t you just reach out and touch a few……. They are all just waiting for you…….

There are those that want you to fail……… That’s because they hide behind a veil…… Of false happiness and love for themselves….. What you must think of is yourself….. Don’t be concerned with the things you cannot change……Sometimes relationships are really strange…..When the love we give is never returned….There’s a lesson from this to be learned……Look away and you will see the love….You are you that’s something to be proud of……… Let us all be what your looking to find ………So you can have back you peace of mind……. We just wish you would look and see ……We are mother sister FAMILY….

Gator
Helpful - 0
460948 tn?1232302122
Oh honey I'm so sorry to hear about how your mother is treating you. I remember all the years that I tried in vein to get my mother's approval and the shocking ending is that I really never needed it as much as I thought. Her anger towards me was because I was a strong spirit and she had never been that in her life.

I hope you will post more and I vote for you to keep your 603 days!! You earned every single one of those days and one tiny bump shouldn't take away all that time! Anyways I don't think you will try it again since you hated it so much while doing it this time.:-)

I'm here for you just as you been here for me on so many occassions!!

((((((BIG HUG))))))
Helpful - 0
460185 tn?1326077772
Not anymore.  I ate it  = (


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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
You keep those clean days minus 1.

Ice cream!!!!!!  Lostdreams we have a big bowl of ice cream with your name on it!!!!  sara
Helpful - 0
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