474119 tn?1273841478

I let my guard down!

Well guys…..I was closing in on 1yr 8months clean. However today I made a BIG mistake…..I took Heroin. Yep…I failed. I took it once…..and I do NOT plan on taking it again….it was a stupid mistake that I am going to regret now……604days clean, ruined for one small high!
All it has done, is make me feel bad, guilty and disgusted with myself and disgusted that I let this happen. Whats hurting the most now…is that I  know my very good friends on here are gonna be very hurt/disappointed with me doing this……that is sooooo heartbreaking. I am so Sorry Guys.

I know this addiction is going to be with me for the rest of my life and i MUST keep my guard up….but I obviously let mine slip down.

I have had some major issues with my mother, she gets a buzz outta seeing me hurt bad. If she see’s a small amount of happiness shining through…she does everything in her power to bring me crashing straight back to the ground. I can usually get back up and keep going, its hard but I usually manage, but this time….I struggled so hard to lift my spirits. I know this may sound harsh….but my mother hates me (because I look and remind her of my father….and because I was the ‘odd one out’ in 9 children, I have no idea what she means by the ‘odd one out’). She truly hates me….yet I thrive for her attention….all I want is for my Mum to tell me she loves me….maybe I sound like a big baby by wanting that……but I would give anything just to hear her say those 3 little words! She tells my 8 siblings she loves them, but has never once said it to me….not once given me a hug…..not given me a b/day card or Christmas pressie since I was 8.….maybe I am at fault….maybe I am the odd one out! Who knows?
Maybe I should cut her off….no matter how hard its gonna be for me….maybe that is the only option I have now….I CAN NOT keep living like this!

Anyhow, I am not trying to make it sound like my Mothers actions upon me made me take that s**t…..I know it was all my decision…my choice…..I let my guard down and fell like a ton of bricks.
I cant go to NA meetings….this is the only after care I have….you guys are the only people that know about my addiction, so please don’t beat me down….I have done enough of that myself…… I just wanted to let people know how easy it is to slip if we don’t keep our guards up!

Once again…I’m so sorry guys…..so deeply sorry!

I would like to say one more thing…..….before posting this I spoke to a good friend on here and told her what I had done, I apologised for my actions and thought she would be so mad with me…instead we spoke for ages and she helped me gain the courage to post this and tried to help me stop beating myself up about what I had done, THANK YOU Lesa……this forum is a God send and I thank the Angels for people like Lesa and everyone else on this forum……I’m just so sorry for doing this!
56 Responses
563541 tn?1257877567
just remember tommorow is another day! and dont beat yourself up about it! it only makes things worse! now, just remember how easy it is to make that mistake! im so sorry to hear about your realtionship with your mother, i dont no how that must feel, i have an awesome mother who is a member of this forum also...cathy5841...and im willing to share! :) just keep your head up and remeber NOT to let your gaurd down! love ya lots JENZ
340590 tn?1290952141
i am so sorry...dont feel like you let us down...we are here to support you.  you did the right thing posting.  like jen said tomorrow is another day.  you are back on track now.  thats what counts.  stay strong.  i have missed you here.
Avatar universal
You have done the right thing Sheree on posting I'm very proud of you.. As Jen said don't beat yourself up anymore then you already have.. Tomorrow is a new day we all make mistakes what is important is that you caught yours after one time and that means everything... Love you girl you are a wonderful and supportive member of this community and even now your contribution means a lot to the many that can identify with what you are going through.. again me Lass I'm very proud of you. Big hug ..............still hugging............ tight squeeze  xx-oo. lesa
214607 tn?1287677559
Hello???? Did you see what you said in your post?? You said all it did was make you feel bad and guilty.

I saw good for you. I mean, not that its good to relapse, but good that you now have the foundation of knowing what having clean time can do. So when you do mess up, instead of going back down that road and chasing that high over and over,  you are now chasing getting back to clean....I think its been a lessoned learned.

Don't ever be embarressed to come here and saw the truth. No one here is better then anyone else. No one here's time is more perfect then anyone else. We are all addicts together. We help each other....and are here for each other.

Get back on that horse....nuff said.............
352798 tn?1399298154
How lucky you are to find this out after one slip up! We are still here to support you. Sorry this happened but tomorrow is a new day.
372416 tn?1242665752
I don't think she needs to go back to day one, huh guys?  It's not like she has to detox all over again.

Can she still be on day 604?
Avatar universal
I say yes nobody can take the clean time away this is one day and that is all.. I say it is 604 -1 so 603 days clean....
214607 tn?1287677559
I totally know that say is spelled with a Y and not a W. I see that twice I did that....lololol....

You see lost, your making me have typo's....lol..
214607 tn?1287677559
I saY yes too.....It would be different if she went back into full blown addiction and have to detox again...one day is nothing....

340590 tn?1290952141
oh yes she can stay on day 604....it was a bump in the road...not a relapse....how crazy to give up those 604 days.  nope no need to do that....if you want you can deduct one for the day you used as a reminder...lol  but girl you earned the right to every one of those days...you cant even take them away from yourself...you lived them and they are behind you!!!!!!!  just keep moving forward.....dont look back....EVER
Avatar universal
Does the saying  "He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone"   ring a  bell???    I don't think anyone on this site will step up to throw rocks at you.   Take heart and get up and go again - -  you will make it.
474119 tn?1273841478
Oh my Goodness....
Thank you guys....thank you so much!

I am lost for words.......your support is awesome...i dont know what i would do without you guys......love ya all.

So 604 days is staying right? Well...minus 1......
Avatar universal
Minus 1 as Cathy said a reminder :)
402205 tn?1230481005

You know you can never disappoint anyone. You are, without a doubt, one of the kindest sweetest people I know. You care so much for others and put yourself last. (I think you need to work on that by the way! You are important and you need to take care of YOU!)

You are always so strong and you are strong to come here and say this. You still have 604 days clean. A few hours does not erase that.

If to be happy you need to not have contact with your mother, than that is what you have to do. Please put yourself first. I know you want her to love you and I'm sure she does in a twisted way. She feels strongly about you or else she wouldn't put the effort into tormenting you. If she was indifferent, she would just let you be and not care. I'm sure she has her own problems but that is not your problem. You have many people that care about you and love you. Let us get you through this.


352798 tn?1399298154
Well since 'horse' at least used to be "H" get back on the wagon. LOL
Avatar universal
i honestly got shivers reading this, cold, cold shivers. first of all you know you didn't let us down, you did let yourself down. i still have so much respect for you. bottom line is that you will not pick that **** up again, you can't and i know you won't. im sorry for how you have been feeling, but you are a good person that has helped a lot here. posting this is one of the best things you could have done. after my relapse it took me 40 min to press post, but it helped me get back up. if you can't go to meetings, then i think we need to see more of you on here again, you have been MIA lately:(. this is just a bump in the road and you have come to far to throw it all away so get back up, don't let the guilt get to you, that's what addiction wants to do. take care of yourself lostdreams.

this is only a little bump.
Avatar universal
Sweetie...I would never judge you, be disappointed in you or be mad at you! You are such a good friend and I love you dearly. I vote on the keep your days. It was merely a bump...I mean you had 1y 8ms! That is something to be proud of. I understand the Mom issues totally.

I will always be here for you sweetie! No matter what...please never feel ashamed or scared to tell any of use anthing!

Love you,
474119 tn?1273841478
Thank you guys....i love ya'll.

I dont know what i would do without you guys....you are all my family! And boy its the best family anyone could ever ask for.

I promise i will never go back to that life....never!

Gizzy is right...i do need to be here more often again....and i WILL be!

Thank you all so much.
583922 tn?1221872822
Your dreams are not lost!!!  Yes, you broke your sobriety, that is a fact. and yes in a program, you would be at day 1 again.  but even still,  i would come to yoju in a heartbeat for hellp.  the wealth of knowledge you have earned being clean for over 600 days is mindblowingl  i have never been clean for that amount of time in my 52 yrs.  so, y9u are gonna be fine.,  i lok up to your strength to come and postl   we are as sick as our secrets.  another program ism.  LOL  they do help- get through today and yest not matter how many days y years,  we honestly trulll lALL OF US only have today,  so keep the faith stay clean .  do not forget the past or wish to shut the door on it. but learn from it.  look at all yoou figured out in hyuor painl  be grateful to be here and happy to be clean today.   love and hugs    

Avatar universal
Hey there,
Quit being so hard on yourself! So, you screwed up! Don't let it get the better of you. Get right back up there, because YOUR WORTH IT!
        I was addicted to heroin 6 years ago. I felt like I lived in a very, very small room with nobody but me.It is one of the worst things to go through.(the addiction) I'm sure you remember the REAL lows of the addiction, and you don't want or need to go back there. There's too much real living out there. I found that out myself. Heroin is a real bad thing to go back to. Too many people dying from quiting and starting back up again.So now you did it, your not going to go through withdrawal from that. You can admit you screwed up, but now get on with the real living. Remember, stay away from those triggers!
    You need to stay away from negative people right now, because it's not going to make you feel better about yourself.
    GOOD LUCK I know you can do it!
488766 tn?1306105169
I don`t know maybe in some way that slip made you stronger! You said you really never want to do that or go back to that lifestyle again. Like a thorn in the side when ever you get tempted again.
I think it is awesome you owned it and are now moving on to the brighter future!!!!!!!!
You have helped so many,just kick this to the curb. Stay Strong.................
460185 tn?1326077772
I already sent you a PM.  You made a mistake.  You had a setback.  Now it's finished.  It's ffffttttttt .... It's behind you and now you can go forward or backward or sideways or whatever direction you want and be clean.  That word sounds so judgemental, like a person is dirty if they have setbacks.  You can be drug-free is what I mean.

Like Brrrrad said, "just kick this to the curb" along with "mother".  My mother hated me too.


Auntie Elvis

Avatar universal
It took me many trys to finally get it right and even now, i might fall, i have been close to it these few last  days.   If i was to relapse I on the other hand would count that as day 1,  But i follow a program.  I guess on here they give u free passes and make their own rules. i'm not judging anyone, i have learned through my 44 yrs not to judge anyone lest i be judged. Maybe  your situation is like my friend who had 13 months clean and took a pain pill for severe cramps her sponsor told her she shouldnt change her clean date because she had a legit reason, it really comes down to how the person feels i guess.  If you can live with that...congrats on your 604minus 1.  On the other hand, purchasing, heroin, getting a needle and everything that goes along with it , is going right back to our addictive behavior, but i guess thats just for people that follow a program???!  The good thing is you did stop after 1 time.  Wow i could never do that especially with heroin which i love but has robbed me of many things, the most important being my dignity and integrity.  You are a bigger woman than me cause i never would have stopped after doing it once.
Avatar universal
Hey Baby,

I wish I was here for you when you needed me....I was in work , with no end in sight......... Just got home and read your email......
Don't let that witch grab you again Baby.....You are just way to beautiful for her......She will take you strip you of your dignity and spit you in the dust and look for another soul.....You cannot succede until you fail.....That way you know the pain of both sides......The hurt of what the evil mistress has in store for you and the savage pain of failure.........

You tasted  liberty and it was so sweet for you ...... Go back and get it again Sweetheart ....You can do it.... It is all within your reach..... It is yours for the taking....Don't let her have you again...I don't want to share you......  I love you and it's going to be OK....I promise We'll do it again....You will be you......Love Gator
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