Day 4 update and observations

[Crazy_in_the_head]

Again, thank you to those who have reached out to me, and those who have posted who give me hope that there is a better way moving forward.

I did taper down, Monday I only took 5 mg Lortab, and nothing since then.  Yesterday I threw out my pot stash that I convinced myself was for medicinal purposes to treat my migraines.  Last night, I really would have used if I had anything in the house.  I have had the WORST migraine for about 2 days.  I feel like someone took a 2 by 4 to my head and just kept hitting me. I finally took one of my husbands muscle relaxers and slept hard last night.  This morning, I feel MUCH better.

The secret of addiction.  For me, it wasn't a secret.  Last September, my son and DIL told me they did not trust me with my grandchild, the most precious gift in my life. They held an intervention with my husband, and told me they loved me and I had to go get help.  I did, briefly, but then when back to my old ways, just making sure not to use around them or the baby. I'm not sure how successful that was, or if I really didn't. It's clear to me now that I lie to myself more than others. I would hazard to guess that most addicts are like me; we only THINK others don't know we are using.

I haven't left the house since Monday to go to work. I'm about to get into the shower, and then hit my first NA meeting.  I'm still keeping the meeting part a secret.  At least for the next two hours. :)  I hope to do better tomorrow.

I'll keep on reading, and posting because it helps me.

Grateful to be over the night sweats and body aches too.

[Crazy_in_the_head]

I made the meeting and picked up my white key chain.  Off to bed and then work tomorrow.

[mary577]

You will start feeling better soon.    Your chiro may be on to something there.  Nutrition is so important and it's something that most of us don't put enough thought into.   Before I quit, breakfast was a pain pill and a coke (cocal cola) and sometimes that was lunch too.    I ate one meal a day, and thought that was enough.   I am sorry you couldn't go to the meeting this morning, but hope you feel good enough to go this evening.   Take it easy and I promise better days are just around the corner.

[kyle505]

In my case, the excess drama was a part of my detox. (Best story - on day 4 I went to get a haircut, shop was closed, I cried all the way home!). And you'd be surprised - deep down I think that those who love you will be proud of you. Someone who's never suffered from addiction can't really understand the grip it has on us, but they can appreciate the struggle.
Good job.

[Crazy_in_the_head]

You couldn't be more right!

My son called, and I told him I was going to a meeting.  He even suggested one for me.  He told me to do what I had to do to stay clean.

Husband is just going to have to deal with it.  He knows I threw out the pot and is happy about it.

I don't know what I was so afraid of.  I seem to create drama where there is no need.  

Perfect time for a meeting, and a sponsor! One more hour until I go.

[Crazy_in_the_head]

Thanks to all who responded.

Dominosarah - no other narcotics in the house.  I do have a script for Xanax but it's never been a problem, because it doesn't get me high or stop pain - it just puts me to sleep.  I don't think I take more than .5mg in a month. I do have sugar and carbs in the house.  Those were my first addictions, but they aren't a problem anymore since I had gastric bypass 10 years ago.  I can't eat enough to do any damage, and frankly, I'm satisfied with a little bit.  I know this is what got my dopamine out of whack to start with.  Yes, SUGAR is a gateway drug.

So...I went to the meeting, and lo and behold, it wasn't there anymore!  The security guard at the front desk told me that at least 3 people per week come looking for it.  He gave me the local phone # to NA, which I called as soon as I got to my car.  I spoke with a woman who told me about a good meeting tonight that she's going to.  She said there are a lot of women there with a lot of sobriety under there belts.  That is at 7:00.

I hope I can stay motivated to go out again, because quite frankly I'm exhausted and in pain. After that fiasco, I got some lunch and went to see my Chiropractor.  I told him everything, and he thinks the migraines may be from malnutrition (due to the stomach surgery.)  He gave me some enzymes that are supposed to help me digest my food more optimally. It's a 10 day trial, so wish me luck.  They taste G-d awful, and you have to chew them with meals.  It would be so awesome if this is the root cause, and the pain goes away!  He said it would be worthy of a research paper, (LOL.)

I pushed myself to do something nice for myself to see if I could get some endorphins going.  I got a pedicure in one of those massaging chairs.  I would rate it about a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10.  My feet look nice, but I don't really get enjoyment from anything anymore.

Back to the pain. I think I'm through the WD's, but my head is still splitting, and my old body aches.  It's not like earlier in the week when I had the aches that felt like the flu.  This is more like Old Lady body aches. I hate the fact that I am a drug addict, and all I really want is a Lortab. Today, I am really craving some relief, and the feeling I got from the pills.

I want to feel better, and I know the only way out is through.  For today, I will not use.  

Thanks to all for being here for me, and listening to my rants and raves.

[dominosarah]

Headaches are pretty common during this time.  Rebound pain is alive and well.  It is our brain just playing games with us as the drugs have been taken away.  Do you have access to other meds in the house?  Let us know how the meeting went.

[dede2121]

Yeah I thought no one knew. But they knew when I had pills and the difference in mee when I didn't.

[mary577]

Glad you are feeling better.   I can only imagine the hurt you felt concerning your grandbaby.   It does show that your secret wasn't really a secret, and sometimes it is hard to step back and take a look at ourselves.   Keep reading and posting.   It helps not only yourself, but others as well.   Tomorrow will be a better day.    Don't stop now....keep on keeping on!