I need help for the last time.

[StayingClean25]

I have a very strong will to stay clean, and i know why i keep going back to pills, its boredom i have attended NA meetings only to have somebody offer me pills, i guess the dealers use NA as a client base place well i am fed up, i have 4 items that have been in pawn for more the a year, yes i pay on them, now im about to loose my home from my choices, yes i plan on moving to MIAMI in a few weeks, but i still havent payed my rent for this place im in now, i dont have a car rightnow but im getting a nice size check in a week, they wont wait that long.. anyways ive had it, enough with my ******* games, its time to be a real man and quite not while im ahead, but while my life is a train wreck, derailed, can i really have a nice life again, life after opiates, im so scared that im going to go to the street and have the needle in my arm.. what do i do?  

[lulu747]

Man.  I am sorry to hear about this.  I feel for you, I really do.  I've heard of being offered drugs at NA meetings and that is JUST awful.  You humble yourself and ask for help and this is what happens.
I know it feels hopeless but there is ALWAYS a way, you just need to find it.
What kind of family/friend support do you have?
Is it possible for you to go to inpatient detox/rehab?
You've been on here so many times in the past few months and it seems that nothing you try is working.
I can hear your sadness and desperation and it breaks my heart.  I really don't want you to give up.  You are right though, if you keep going down this path you may very well end up on the street, or worse, dead.
Drastic times call for drastic measures.
If I were you I would see if I could get myself into rehab.
In an environment completely devoted to recovery.
You say that you are getting a big cheque is it possible to put it towards rehab?
Is it possible to ask friends/family to help?
I know it's scary but your LIFE is on the line.
You've tried many things and none have worked (YET)
You must keep trying.  You can't give up on yourself.
I believe you can have a happy and healthy drug free life, I do.
But you need to put this active addiction under arrest because it is RULING you.
It can be stopped.  You mustn't give up hope.
Let's do some brain storming okay?  See what options we can come up with.
We're all here cheering for you...
Lu

[StayingClean25]

you know what, this gave me tears, i feel so strong about being drug free, i really do.. in reallity, i dont have my car anymore and pay more then a grand for my rent.. i just feel like the universe knows im about to quite and its throws stuff at me at the time im most determind.. i have not payed my rent yet but do have half  they wont take parcial payments.. BUT they gave me unitl monday, a whole another week   my leasing consultant knows the person i am and is doing her best to help me, im moving to Miami the first week of september and i really need this to cease before then, i need a new plan, im buying a car august 25th, after my business trip..  i recently bought a car, in a drug area and it had mold in it, i got a lawer and returned it the next day.the dealer kept my 1000 dollar down payment, i have to take him to court..  i had 4 family members pass on me and my sister the past 4 years, i have a partner in miami who i want to marry, i am dealing with a lot, this move to miami will be the best thing for me, im so happy there, and  im always clean when i go  i dont look for pills either, its when i return to orlando when i get high...   i need this change, change of scenery i have my man who is very good to me in miami, him and my sister are the only family i have.. and yes i do love him. on a side note, whether your with me on this or not, after i get through all of this, i plan to take him to the beach on my birthday and right in the sand asking him to marry me.. i've known him for 3 years.  i have been clean for 3 months before so i know i can do this, and let me tell you, thoes 3 months were the best 3 months of my entire life!

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

Oh my....I feel your pain and sadness through your written word.  I wish I had the words to heal you, I wish you didn't have all this pain.  I wish I could take it all away and that you could start fresh and new.

All I have is me and faith.  I have faith that you can and will get through this.  From what Lu said you've been dealing with these issues for quite a while.  

Please don't give up.  If you do move to Miami try to stay away from the places and people who will drag you down.  This move may just be what you need.  A fresh place ... a fresh start.  I truly hope you have a true friend in your life that would be willing to support you.

In the meantime all I can offer is my support and my prayers.

[LadySailor86]

This crap has almost decimated so many of us. I'm 30 days clean and feeling so grateful for finally hitting bottom. You can do this if u want it. I can say I know I will have a long road ahead but with aftercare and this site I am ffinally feeling that life is good again. I don't need the pills to get stuff done or just exist. The last month feels like a year but this time last month I didn't think I could do it.  Prayer and posting here and meetings. One hour at a time. Stay with us. Listen to the angels that already posted to you. They pull me thru hell. You got this.

[LadySailor86]

This crap has almost decimated so many of us. I'm 30 days clean and feeling so grateful for finally hitting bottom. You can do this if u want it. I can say I know I will have a long road ahead but with aftercare and this site I am ffinally feeling that life is good again. I don't need the pills to get stuff done or just exist. The last month feels like a year but this time last month I didn't think I could do it.  Prayer and posting here and meetings. One hour at a time. Stay with us. Listen to the angels that already posted to you. They pull me thru hell. You got this.

[lulu747]

I'm so sorry for all you've lost...I just don't want you to lose MORE.  You don't have to.  Grief is a process that must be worked through and using numbs us for awhile but when we're sober it hits full force and our natural instinct is to run.  That is what using is...Running.  I think you would honestly benefit from some one on one grief/addictions counseling.  Spending money on this instead of a new car would be a far better investment.
You MUST invest in yourself and your future, and all the material crap in the world don't mean sh*t if you don't have your health or your life.
Listen, there is always a way.
It is the addict in our brain that tells us we're hopeless, or there isn't anything we can do.  
You went to one NA meeting and they offered you drugs.  Go to an AA meeting instead.  Many members on here do AA instead of NA because they feel more comfortable.  An addict is an addict it doesn't matter which substance the work is the same.
Or google SMART recovery.  Check out an online meeting and then go to one in your area.  I did SMART personally, and it helped me a GREAT deal combined with CBT and EMDR for PTSD.  I had a lot of grief, trauma and sorrow that I was numbing along with my physical pain.  The tools I learned and continue to learn help me to face things and work through them instead of running.
You have to remember this:
There is no problem without a solution except death.
We want you to live, and not just exist, but thrive and be happy.
Why not go to Miami sooner if you have to?  Spend some time with your partner and get some good support.  Go to meetings there.  If it will help you to get and stay clean by being there then why wait?
Your life is on the line and there is NOTHING more important.
The way to get clean and stay clean is by making recovery your numero uno priority.
And face it, what do you have without it?
You are worth this investment.
You are the only one that can make this choice.
I believe in you.
Believe in yourself.
Lu

[StayingClean25]

thank you so much lady!  im not sure what to say, only that your words will stick with me! thank you so much for posting on my thread!

[StayingClean25]

i meant ladysailor86  sorry

[jifmoc]

Hey, Stay, I was just gonna write what Lula wrote already: go to an AA meeting then. (I do) and they tell me every day "you are in the right place." It doesn't matter what substance we use. I go to a meeting every day. Got a sponsor. I have learned that there is no way in he!! I'm can stay off pills w/o aftercare: no way. I didn't want to go, but I go. I do what my sponsor tells me to do. I don't like being humble, but I have to be. As they say, my best thinking got me here.

Like you said, we will use any excuse to NOT stay clean. It's so easy to NOT change. Nothing changes if nothing changes, right?:)

[nursegirl6572]

Just wanted to add my support.

It sounds like the move is a promising new start.  My advice is to do whatever you can to make that happen, and then when you get there...dive into a recovery program....surround yourself with clean people and hobbies.  

I wish you the best!

[IBKleen]

Hey buddy!! Funny, you were on my mind this morning when I came on. I am glad you are still around. I have been to many meetings where someone is standing outside or in the meeting that is selling drugs. People will be people and we can't change that. We can only change our reaction to it. I have to agree that I think you need in-patient treatment. And I think you should do it before moving to Miami. There is no geographical cure so you need to armed and ready when you go to a new place so that you don't continue with your behavior and thinking. Please stick around and post when you need to. We are all here to support you!!

[Jinx_777]

have you considered telling your partner about your addiction???
you will take you with you wherever you go.  you will need support and our secrets keep us sick.  
hope you find your way out of this dark place.  
be strong

[LadySailor86]

Just checking in, how's it going?