I need hope :( , could someone share some w/ me?

[frjs85]

Hi everyone
its been a rough ride, I have 54 days without opiates or any other drugs, but i still feel hopeless. i have days where i feel better about myself, but today isn't one of those days. i cant say i have a strong desire to use, but it deffinetly crosses my mind throughout the day. I haven't been sharing and am feeling alot of self pity, which ive struggled with alot in my life, even before drugs. I got a job, a car, a warm bed to sleep in, family, other recovering addicts in my presence, food in my belly, but still living a half *** recovery. I havent been sharing at meetings as much, putting my mask on like everything is alright, my current sponsor is busy a lot and i am trying to find a new one. I need something to hold me accountable in my life, left with my thoughts and my will ends up in me losing jobs, not paying the rent, and eventually in rehab. I walked this path before and dont want a repeat. I think maybe do things for the wrong reason sometimes. When i got outta rehab, i COULDNT WAIT to show my family and friends the new me, to impress them. (another one of my downfalls). Some days i feel so good and have hope, a little peace of mind, but this past week im eerrrr idk, falling back into my old ways i think, old behaviors and thinking patterns. I could never have enough of anything i love. When i get a taste of something that makes me happy (substances, people, passions, watever, i just cant let go. I persist to keep hanging on till it just turns to black, and im right back in the same emotional hell i came from. I was just at a meeting, ofcourse didnt share, and its bubbling up. Please give me some hope and strength, don't be afraid to hurt my feelings, as long as your comment is from the heart, i wont be offended. thanks.

[VICourageous]

GREAT way of putting it clean ks......
vickie

[clean_in_ks]

Great post, vickie....

frjs85.....you're doin it!!  The sharing and caring.....and sorting and sifting...

That faith we long for......at first it's like air in a balloon.....we can't SEE it...but we darn sure know it makes the balloon go UP.....
Even if we can't touch it, feel it, or "figure it out" doesn't mean it's not real.

May each new day bring you blessings you can embrace~

P.S.  Thanks for the update, too......so glad you remembered!

[VICourageous]

Check out your notes I sent you one. I graduated from tahoe in 1973 @ 17 I lived there for ever before I moved to idaho. WOW ....
vickie

[frjs85]

you kno im doing pretty good. i have to get used to dealing with things. luckily i have you guys to talk some sense into me :) I talked to a couple of people and it helps, a lot. errr i could be so stubborn sometimes. How did the meeting go? are u feeling good?

[toothfairie]

i hope you are feeling better??  i just got home from a meeting and meeting with my sponsor....it's all still sort of new to me so i'm trying to figure it all out.....Hope tmrw is even better for you!!  

[frjs85]

Yea I know what you mean. I remember thinking when i was withdrawing that i just had a week of hell to deal with, then ill be free and clear. After i detoxed, was worse than during detox, cravings were through the roof, and no matter how hard i tried i couldnt gather my thoughts. It was like my emotions were spiraling out of control. i agree with what u said about sharing with people. im so thankful i found this site, i come here whenever i have problems in the day and someone always seems to get back to me.  Congrats on ur 11 days! 1 day is an accomplishment. :)

[TahoeLocal]

I'm with you on the down days.  I'm envious of 54 days clean though!!  I'm only on 11 but I can honestly say it was a hellish 11 of them.  I never quite realized what that crap does to your system....when you first take anything that gives you the euphoric feeling why would you want to quit and the urge to just take another pill was excruciatingly difficult to squelch.  Getting past the physical symptoms was almost a walk in the park compared to the emotional roller coaster that was left.  The anxiety that first day had me in tears with my head between my legs.  The next day I found that occupying myself helped a lot and now I am realizing that talking about it, whether that's writing or verbally, is very cathartic.  Today is probably a 80%'er....meaning I feel nearly like I usually do.  I'm looking forward to the occasional 100%'er but I'll take a 90 or so.  :)

Hang in there.  Its one day out of your life and once its over, you can look back on it and say, "wow, I made it!"

[frjs85]

do u think in order to go to church that u should agree with everything the bible says? I dont want to offend u or start a heated argument. You seem like you really believe, and I envy that.

[frjs85]

wic- yea, i think i saw some of those in rehab, the lady with the real thick accent, i know ive seen her in an addiction show before. But it does make total sense, i remember watching one with opiates. They said that the drug tricks the survival instinct part of the brain. And it makes the brain think it LITERALLY needs the opiate to survive. No exageration. And thinking back to those horrible withdrawl days, how far i went to get my fix, reasoning and logic just go right out the window. It's scary. I saw another show, i THINK it was Drugs Inc. on Natgeo. They did a test on cocaine addicts by showing them pictures of cocaine or paraphanelia or something to flash them back, all the while mapping the brain function. Certain parts of the brain light up (probaly reward centers as u said) , when they were shown the pictures. I hate the idea of thinking i have no control over anything, let alone a chemical , im literally a slave to my impusles, not a red hair shy of obsessed with that gratification. But after i gratify myself that dull ache inside me is still there even gets worse, because i think how pathetic i can be at 25 and still cant control myself. My addiction creeps up in almost any area of my life i could think. Mainly in sex, food, and money. (Also basic human survival drives) It all comes back to the survival thing u talked about, how the brain naturally rewards itself after sex, eating with endorphines or watever. And since i quit the drugs my impulsiveness shifted to those other areas. And i still feel like im "living dirty" u kno. I don't have much structure, i make meetings but don't share when i should. Like i have one foot in the door, but i still have my back foot planted and i wanna pick it up, but im stuck in my stubborn ways. And i KNOW its bad for me, but i still continue to do it, everyday. And at the noon meeting today, and maybe this is god (shezzreal i want to talk to you about that) 2 people shared that hit home with me. An older man who sat right next to me, and an older lady who sat right behind me. So she shares about how recovery isn't linear, how we get in ruts, get depressed. Then a few shares later the man said that AA is 20 percent the steps and 80 percent WORKING WITH PEOPLE. And i fellt like wow, if that isnt a message from some divine force, then i dont know what is. Amazing that is exactly what i Needed (not wanted) to hear. On top of that the focus of the meeting was the steps of all things which i also need!!  Cause im a complete introvert. And i know i have things to say, cuz once i start typing on here, i cant stop. I write to get my thoughts out, i end up writing multiple pages. So i shared. And i shared how i feel like im falling back, and how confusing and bewidlering the steps are to me. I mean we live in a world of linear paths. U go to school, Youll get a good job. To cook this.. u add this..at 350 degrees for 15 mins.. To stay healthy, eat this but dont eat that, excercise. Then I walk into AA and its like CAME TO BELIEVE in a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. OK, how do I do that? How do u learn to believe in god? (my question for shezzreal) Ive always believed in something, I just could never understand how god could let this happen, or that happen ( for example how shezzreal shared above about what she went through in 2 1/2 years) u kno, i guess i just blame all of the destruction in the world on god. I lost a cousin when he was just 10 years old, a close friend to heroin, i guess i hold that resentment. Thers so much pain and horror out there, just watch the news. And i cant help but wonder if god has abondoned us. err idk, in any case i guess ill never know the answer to that. That meeting today, maybe it was conincidence maybe it was god. In either case its what i needed to hear.

[shezzreal]

Congrats on your progress so far. One thing you want to remember that this is about you and if you worry about what others think that will hinder your progress. Focus one your needs addiction is a sickness and there is a recovery time from it just like any other. Take it for what it is and move through the process of what it takes to get well. Other people will just have to deal with it! Do not focus on them or their feelings. Get with the people that understand and that can help you. Also you need to realize there is a great big God and He is the ultimate help. There is a warning in the Bible about when you get your house clean of demonic presences and things that hinder you those demons will come around looking for somewhere to inhabit and each one will bring some with them that are 7 times worse than themselves. You do not want to deal with the same demons as before let alone the new ones that will show up! Ask God to carry you through and if you do not have a church I recommend a non denominational one. They tend not to be judgemental and they also tend to accept people the way they are. If they are charismatic enough they can really help you break those bondages and keep them off of you. I am talking from pure experience here. I would be dead if it had not been from a miracle of God. I dealt with addiction to prescription pain killers due to 2 suicides in the immediate family less than a year apart, my 16 year old daughter dying in a car wreck, my father leaving my mother after 40 years of marriage and then marrying someone that was 2 years younger than myself,  my husband having cancer 2 times in less than a year and during his cancer/chemo his father dying of lung cancer. All this happened in a 2 1/2 year span.  
I developed a strong need for the drugs but with the help of God my church and now a fantastic new pain management doctor I got things under control. And if I can do it anyone can - I am nobody special and God is no respector of persons. You see it does not matter how many times you fall all that matters is how many times you get back up!
God bless and hang in there!

[VICourageous]

I am glad people got back to you. As I mentioned inmy first post about all the info on the disease of addiction, thanks clean in ks for getting backon that . You will learn in all the meetings that some people call it rewinding the tape back or playing it forward, the little hamster in the cage spinning, the itty ****** committy, on and on. but since I study this disease and have shared it to others on the post, you will find they call it the pleasure part of the brain. Very small . Its a survial part of the brain this is why we want what we want over an d over that tapes plays back and reminds us of what we can do or get done or how wonderful we felt we want it again and again can not live without it. Its all there in the info.
(FOR ME COMPULSIVE)Then you will also learn alot more about the neuro I call transmitters. SEE YOU are sharing at a meeting when you post. Just stay with us I am somewhat new and I like to share and read other info heck it is HOT STUFF I think we know more then any DR out there who has not experienced it. Some people have been here a long time and some go. Keep Posting You can talk in the privacy of your home.
Keep on truckin forward and do not look back.......
vickie
.

[frjs85]

haha thanks for the comments. i just laughed haha, thanks i needed that. I just needed to reach out to somebody, im glad  you guys where here. one of the things im scared about sharing is that i've been slacking with working on recovery, im afraid other people will look down on me for it, eventhough its probaly not true. Anyways im going to head over there. I watched some of the hbo video on the website clean_in_ks, it made a lot of sense! I  do that all the time too. This is the first time ive lived on  my own and the first time i walked in to go grocery shopping i had no idea where anything was. I see cookies in the front of the store and im like...wait a second theres probaly more important food to buy than cookies. haha ive acquired a sweet tooth in the past month. all right ill let yous know how i do. i gotta go. thanks for making me laugh!!

[ricart70]

sometimes a bad day and a low mood is just a bad day and a low mood.
You sound pretty sane to me.You have come far and that is great.I think it is deserving of high dollar peanut butter.lol

[clean_in_ks]

But oh....that natural pnut butter by Smuckers is SOOO worth it LOL
(after you get the dang stuff stirred up!)

[YesLife4Me]

LOL!   I totally relate to your peanut butter analysis.   It's part of that obsessive compulsive behavior.   So many times I choose the more expensive item because I think it's 'better', and sometimes it is, but I short change myself in the pocket book by throwing money away feeling like I'm doing something better for myself by purchasing the 'better' product.  Or I do the opposite and can't make up my mind.  My kids used to tease me that I would take forever trying to choose between 2 items.  It was like a battle going on in my head about if I get this one I might miss out on something with the other one, or the other one might be better, but this one costs less.  LOL!   The other thing that I did was impulse shop when I was high on the pills.   I felt so good and I would get the idea to buy something without really thinking about it.  That's just stinkin thinkin going on.  Now I try not to over think and just grab whatever it is I need and move on.  

[clean_in_ks]

The feedback you get from others once you "unbottle yourself" will AMAZE you.,,. the experience others have had are ARE having with the very same thing you are helps so much..and by sharing and listening it STRENGTHENS us!.....can't wait to hear back from you later~

[frjs85]

thanks to everyone for the responses. It still amazes me how quickly i could get off track. i have to remind myself everyday of how far ive come.
And i have to admit i havent been reading the meditations. :(  My addiction likes to make me forget about what i NEED not what i want, and son of a gun they're not usually the same thing. errr im so impulsive. I still have that addict thinking. Like the other day, i went grocery shopping. I had 30 dollars to spend. So i wanted to buy peanut butter, there was the normal peanut butter like 2 -3 dollars, and there was this all natural pb 5-6 dollars. So i impulsively bought the expensive one. I kno its trivial and kinda a dumb example haaha but i SHOULD have done what was best for me and gotten the regular peanut butter, u kno its not like id go psychotic w/o natural pb (It was amazing by the way). And i do it all the time, i see something i want, and i get it, without thinking the effect of my actions. yea.... that sounds like addict thinking.   youre right, its that instant feeling of being better, like if i felt stressed, i would just get high. But life doesnt work that way unfortunately. I gotta put myself out there at this meeting tonight. all right got it, im gonna go to the meeting tonight and just be honest with where im at and what im feeling. and i gotta get on the phone with people and stop bottling it up. errr my hearts already pounding.  thanks for the encouragement
o and thanks for the addiction info!!

[ricart70]

Hang in there f   I hate to see you being so hard on yourself.Focus on the problem that is most bothering you today,If you can do something about it do it.If it's something vague or if you can't then focus on a real problem thatyou can do something about.I think you are doing great and you will get better with time

[ImDONENoMore]

Well said.  TIME.  Such a huge factor to getting well and no one likes to hear about that (and that thinking used to include me).  But SO important.

[YesLife4Me]

The best advice given to me by someone at a meeting was to not over think things.   Just get up and do whatever it is that needs to be done.   We as addicts want instant solutions to our feelings and discomfort.   When anything is out of place with us, we tend to over analyze them or how we feel before taking on doing something, even simple tasks such as leaving the house.  I know there have been times that even showering and getting dressed, doing my hair, etc seemed like a major chore.   When you start having low moments, that is when you need to pour yourself into something that distracts yourself from thinking about what's going on with your feelings or body.   The more we focus on it, the worse it seems.  We have to change our ways of dealing with things, replace our old behaviors with new/positive ones and parts of our daily routines that were centered around using.  For example, if you needed to use to get up and get going in the mornings, most of us changed that habit by taking vitamins and eating something when we get up.   For me, I would take a pill then sit around til it kicked in.  I had to force myself to get up and just get going.  Otherwise all I could do was think about how I felt at the moment.   You are going to have good days and bad days.   As time goes on you start to have more good days then bad.   I believe that as addicts we used to deal with the ups and downs that are normal in life.   Now we have to learn to cope without using a substance.   You ARE doing this and even though it doesn't feel like it, you are doing fantastic!    Time is on your side.  

[ImDONENoMore]

Just remember, getting clean doesn't mean your life's problems have been solved.  It only means now you have a fair chance of handling those struggles BECAUSE you are clean.  We are still going to have those bad days when we want an easy way out (i.e. want to use).   But there isn't an easy way out  You gotta deal with it and sometimes that *****.

But you can't check out on life's day-to-day struggles.  You have to be present to handle it.   Just try to hang in there, I do think these feelings are normal, at least it's what I went through.

[clean_in_ks]

54 Days without opiates or any other drugs is HUGE!  YEAH YOU!!!!!

Several things came to mind as I've read your thread.....that stinkin thinkin,
that bottling up, that isolation, that "not sharing" stuff.  That's the OLD us...and we are such infants at learning the NEW stuff right now.  I'm glad to hear you are going to go to a mtg tonight AND SHARE.  I love word pictures and I read somewhere that we when we bottle up and keep it all inside, it's like a major clog in our plumbing pipes coming into our homes.
We need to keep them clear/clean and free....taking out the waste and yet bringing in fresh water, too.  Weird?  Yeah...but so am I LOL  To help with my stinkin thinkin and to LEARN new ways of thinking, I read recovery meditations each day, too.  I have years of repetitious "wrong thinking patterns" and need to find ways to reinforce the new ways of thinking I want to live by NOW.......if we take away the old ways and don't replace them with new....we are kinda like a piece of swiss cheese that is left full of holes!  We have to fill those holes with NEW things......then we won't become weak and break.
The videos vvic made reference to are twofold for me lately.  You don't have to have HBO to view the one that I posted in one of my journals.  Here it is:

http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/684321/Amazing-New-Information-About-Addiction-Fabulous

When you get to the web site, up in the top left hand corner is a link "understanding addiction".  From there, MANY pages on addiction topics are available and a lot of them have short live videos on the r.h. side with TONS of testimonies and valuable info.  I was Thrilled to find this.  A short excerpt from the "understand addiction" link says:

"Addiction is a chronic relapsing brain disease.  Brain imaging shows that addiction severly alters bain areas critical to decision-making, learning and memory, and behavior control which may help to explain the compulsive and destructive behaviors of addiction."

I felt SO much better after learning some of this.  30 yrs of RESEARCH and it is proven.....brain images, scans, etc.  You can scoot around the site and read about relapse, aftercare, support for families, and much more!

Another good video is by Dr. Kevin T. McCauley called "Pleasure Unwoven".  You can just type in a search for "you tube pleasure unwoven" and go from there.  One of the you tube sites has 8 clips of McCauley's study/video.  He uses the landscape of Utah to explain the neuroscience of our brains.  He is a recovering addict, too, I believe.

You are doing SO good....and that hopelessness and stinkin thinkin plagues us all.....but we have been given ways to push and get thru....
And YOU are doing just that by posting and sharing....you go girl~

[frjs85]

thanks both for your replys. Yea i think i know what i need to do, its just a matter of actually doing it, and not procrastinating. Im off work today, im gonna go to a meeting tonight and share. Its like they say, if youre going to meetings and not sharing when you need to, youre not making a meeting. I just need to get out of my head. Thanks!