I need your help, please respond

[12gauge]

I've been her before.  I've told my story of a long history of substance abuse since age 13.  I'm now in a semi-forced state of sobriety.  I have no idea what to think of it.  Please help.  I'm not sure where else to go.  I know I don't want to be sober right now.  I need to talk to somebody.

[OnOxyfor10yrs]

I was forced into getting off my oxys for fear of losing my job. I am having a terrible time with it too. Some nights, I drink to numb the pain. I know this is no good, but how else can I numb this pain?Funny thing is I dumped a prescrition of Ultram b/c I read how addicting it was. Therefore, deep down I know I can't take another bad "demon" in my closet. I am currently addicted to benzos and opiates  and take sub. Sure, it helps with the W/D, but my mind can't stop thinking about the oxys. I suffer from a chronic pain condition and boy am I suffering physically and mentally. I even visit websites that promote drug use. I will not name these as I am trying to help you. When my mental cravings come, I picture myself homeless, jobless, dirty and hungry. Picture yourself without your wife. Was the marriage to the drugs better than your marriage to your wife? To me, not having a career that I am damn good at is keeping me at bay. I am living day by day. What else can we do? Trust me, the road takes you nowhere and if you lose it all, you will regret it and yet be still left with an addiction that could be stopped right now. We all suffer from this disease. I keep praying and thinking that the devil is laughing everytime I suffer the cravings. I serve my God, not the "dark forces". I will pray for you and me for that matter. I know how you feel. Pissed that someone stopped your merry-go-round. Get off the ride, as it only goes round and round and does not take you ANYWHERE productive!
Hope it makes you feel better that you are not alone. I am suffering and we all are as much as you. Take care of yourself.


L

[joann1975]

I agree to read Bob's post. It is very true!

Good luck to you!

[nursegirl6572]

EXCELLENT post, BOB!

12gauge...read Bob's post a few times.

I will tell you this.....does ANYONE ever "want" to get sober?  I mean truly....I don't think initially many people want to choose the harsh reality of life over numbing it, right?

But, as with any kind of addiction...there WILL come a time when you DO have to deal with it.  You can either keep spiraling and end up at the bottom, or worse....or you can maybe dig in with both heels, find out exactly what pain you are numbing...and finally decide that life is precious enough and it is time to start appreciating it...with clear eyes and a clear mind.  Be the BEST that you can be for your wife!  She doesn't want you drinking b/c she wants you around!!!  

Think about it.....it's a start.  You've already sort of started, even if be-grudgingly.  Maybe you can roll with it and see what is on the other side?

Any which way......take care of yourself.  

[joann1975]

My guess is the counselor is going to tell you to get sober. May I ask why you don't want to be clean? I realize you haven't been for the most part of your life...but maybe you could give it a shot. It's great to be clean... however, I remember when I was in the stage that I knew I was abusing pills...but wasn't going to do anything about it b/c I liked it.

Keep talking we are here for you.

[Bob641]

If you don't want to be sober, whatever, is your decision, but remember clearly what I'm telling you now: The life without sobriety is dull, has no meaning, lack of motivation and depress you, if you are not already depressed. I know it is hard for some of us to stop or wean off of our drug of choice, but it is the best you can do with your life. You are young yet, you have a lot to live, why waste it away in alcohol or drugs?
I don't expect an answer from you saying yes, that you are gonna change, but, save this post and read it once in a while and get familiar with my words and its meaning. I hope this will help you.
Take care, good luck,
Bob

[12gauge]

forced sobriety for me is actually fairly limited.  In other words, I can get messed up as long as my wife doesn't know and the law doesn't know.  What do you mean by saying, "you wish you had that time back?"

Slowing down isn't much of an option.  I've found that casual drinking for me is at least 7 or 8 beers.  Alcohol isn't even my drug of choice.  But I have an incredible tolerance after so many years.  

I just don't know what to do.  I really haven't known what sobriety even means since the age of 13.  I'm now 32.  I'm going to counseling from my own decision.  I really don't want to be sober. I wonder what the consoler wil tell me.  

[nursegirl6572]

Coming here was a great idea.

You feel like sharing some more of your background?  What your DOC is, and maybe how the "forced" sobriety thing came about?

You may not WANT to be "sober" right now, and I think most everyone here can relate to that....but unfortunately, it is something you are going to have to face SOME day....so why not now?

Just my two cents....share what you feel comfortable doing so.....you know the people here will help you through this...and who knows, maybe you'll make it to the other side and start WANTING sobriety.  That would be awesome!

Hey.....if it weren't for the bazillion reasons that addiction just doesn't work...NOBODY would ever get sober.  Who the heck wants to trade in a life that looks so darn good for a sober one with the reality of life, which we all know isn't so great at times, right?

Hang in there!!!

[K Todd]

Hey brother,

I am on day 22....but I totally hear you...when you say "you don want to be sober now"

Its better to know that, than to fool yourself...

Anyway..I live in OC Cal...here also,

If you just want to talk, no problem. I know what is it like....to be forced to quit, when you dont want to...

God Bless,
Todd

[fedup4now]

I know the forced sobriety thing, and hated every minute of it.  When I feel I am not in control of it, it is not my choice - my anxiety goes through the roof.  I have gone through many years of not wanting to be sober - and now I wish I had that time back.  Man to be done with this **** - to have already gone through all the hell.

Look - I'm not sure why the forced sobriety with you, or why you desperately don't want to be sober - but try and slow yourself down - what choices do you have?