It's not a matter of being strong enough. Addiction isn't about strength, morality or anything else. For most addicts, the disease is much bigger than them. That's why you'll hear the same advice from the people who have successfully quit their DOC ... it's aftercare. I am dependent versus addicted so I can't speak to the mental aspect of what you have to deal with but I've lived with addiction my whole life with uncles, my ex-husband and a couple of friends. I've gone to AlAnon and even AA when my then husband wanted me to go. The program works if you work it. (I'm not sure if I've followed your story or someone with a similar screen name.)
So you've gone through your script. Now what? What's your plan?
You have to really want to quit . What is going on with the benzos ? Are you going to run out of those too ? I thought Your doctor dismissed you ?? I am confused. Hang in there
I second what was said above, in both posts. You never DID give us a follow up about your situation with the benzos? If I recall, you got one more script to taper right? Have you done that, or have you taken more than prescribed? What's going on with that?
As for the hydros, you're stuck on the merry go round. Something has to change for REAL progress to happen. One of the biggest things is sources. Like you said, you haven't told your doctor or pharmacy. It's not easy, but it's crucial. If you continue on without "coming clean" to your doctor(s), you will struggle with staying clean. That has to be step one before you even START thinking about the rest of what needs to happen in your recovery.
Have you ever considered inpatient rehab? That would be a good option for you, especially because you are dealing with multiple meds.
Best to you!
I looked back to check and I did somewhat follow what was going on with you. What's going on with your Xanax? Are you taking that properly? I hope you have someone helping you with that as you already know it's dangerous to CT from that.
Is the doctor who is giving you the hydrocodone the same one that is prescribing Xanax? I feel really bad for you because it's like you're a hamster on a wheel, constantly running and running and running yet never moving from that space you're in.
It's time for some real honesty and the first person you need to be honest with is yourself. Look in the mirror and really take your own inventory. You know you aren't doing all you can to stay off the pills. You need more than just the forum for support. This is a fabulous place for getting support but it needs to be in conjunction with some aftercare in real life.
Have you been honest with your doctor? If not, you need to be. He can help you and has heard it all before. I think I remember you had some legitimate pain issues but can't remember what they are. Pain management is just that: management. Most chronic pain patients will never be pain free.
I taper off my meds whenever I can but sometimes I do have to take them. If you really do need narcotic pain meds for your condition, there are ways to work it so that you stay on track. You can give them to someone to dole out to you or your doctor can give you a week's supply at a time. There are many things to help with managing your pain and most CP patients use several modalities. I use ibuprofen, Lidoderm patches, Voltaren gel, heat, ice, exercise and more.
You are getting great advice here from people who have successfully stayed off their DOC. You can do that as well. Listen to the people who've done this successfully. Aftercare is tremendously important.
How are you feeling today being out of the hydrocodone? What are you going to do differently this time? Do you have a counselor? If you go to AA or NA, get a sponsor and they will help you when you're having a tough time.
You can definitely do this but you have to start by being seriously honest with yourself and your physicians and hopefully your family. The more people you tell, the more support you'll have.
I went to a new dr. He refilled the Xanax, which I feel I need right now bc of a verbally/mentally abusive husband. (No lectures please, I'm trying to get out if it)... Anyway...he refilled everything after talking to him. I want to tell him I don't want the pain meds but my body hurts so bad without them!!!
I'm taking the Xanax as I should. I'm on track with those. I took my last dose of hydro on Sunday. Right now I just feel very achy. I was only on them a week before they were gone. I went 2 wks without taking one and then when I walked in the dr office he said he'd give me the script, I just couldn't say no! I truly thought it would be where if I needed it, I'd take it. If I didn't I wouldn't. But that's not how it went.... I knew better. I am in a terrible marriage right now and I honestly feel I need the Xanax. I just can't deal with things without it. I have to figure that out on my own. I live in a small town and I e checked around and I don't know of any NA meetings going on. My husband doesn't even know of my situation. I can't tell him. He's abusive enough. So... I'm stuck. I don't make enough money to support myself and my daughter. I don't have family around who will take us in. So... I'm working on one thing at a time....
You have a new doctor. That is terrific. You must know that it can be very difficult to find a good doctor to manage your pain. If you aren't totally honest with him, something will happen and you'll be dismissed from his practice.
As to the Xanax, if you take it as prescribed, then maybe you can work on one medication at a time. But you need to be fully committed to this. It is not easy and it can be very frightening, especially if you have pain. I'm sure you have already heard that pain meds can actually cause more pain; it's called hyperalgesia. And when you come off pain meds, you will have rebound pain that will feel much worse but that is only temporary. Eventually you will be able to find out what your real pain level is and you can go from there.
Please call your new doctor and set up an appointment and explain to him what's going on. It will be a huge relief to you. You and he can work out what the best plan is for you whether it's staying on your meds, tapering off, or trying something else. Pain management normally involves more than just taking pills. There's PT, OT, acupuncture ... the list goes on.
The way I see it is you have been very lucky in finding this doctor. If you mess this up, you may not be able to find another doctor to treat you.
As far as your abusive relationship, you obviously will have to deal with that at some point. But if you're safe right now, then maybe for you it's better to just put that on hold for the moment. If he's physically abusive, you need to have a plan in place in case things escalate and you need to get out of there. Do you have a friend you could stay with in an emergency?
Once you take care of either getting off your pain meds or taking them responsibly under your doctor's supervision, your head will be a bit clearer and then you can look at your relationship and make whatever decision is necessary. I stayed in an abusive marriage for far too long. I tried to leave a bunch of times but would always let him come back when he promised he'd change. But you know, like I knew, that people rarely change. You can only change you and what you'll tolerate. I can tell you that when I finally left my ex for good, it was a huge weight off my shoulders. I'm sure a lot of your anxiety comes from being in an abusive relationship. I was constantly on edge and worried and always trying to shield my kids from what was going on. I couldn't believe the relief I felt when I finally did leave.
But first things first and that's to come clean to your doctor and come up with a plan that works for you.
So it's great to hear you're taking your Xanax as prescribed!! Please, no matter what don't stray from that. You have the perfect opportunity with a new doctor to get all this cleared up. As for your abusive relationship, if you and your daughter are safe, then maybe for now you need to stay in it while putting plans in place.
I would come totally clean with your doctor. He can determine, if you're totally honest, whether you are truly addicted, have hyperalgesia (increased pain from the pills) or pseudo addiction. Pseudo addiction isn't all that common but it can happen. It's when people look and behave like they're addicted but it's actually just that their pain is not well controlled. I'm not sure what your pain issues are but I have several and I know how hard it is to live with severe chronic pain.
You will be doing yourself the biggest favor of your life by meeting with your doctor and being honest with him about everything. That way he can decide what's best for you to do as to your pain. He may have other pain meds that would work better, maybe a long acting med. Or he may suggest taking something like Cymbalta that can help with pain.
What you don't want to do is lose this doctor. Talk to him about other things that may help with your pain. There is such a long list of things that can work in conjunction with your medications: hydrotherapy, PT, many different procedures, etc.
Personally, I think your living situation is a big factor in you misusing your meds. Maybe you're not ready to leave now but you need to start planning things now. Do you work? I know most people are hurting financially with the economy. But even if you have limited funds, there are ways to squirrel away money. It can take a little time but you need to do it for the safety for yourself and your daughter.
I found a great way to save money when money was tight. My goal was a trip to Disney with my kids. I would watch the sales at the supermarkets and my pharmacy. I'd use my rewards card and coupons and whatever I saved by doing that, I put away. Some weeks it might be $10, other times it could be $60.
CVS rewards' card is a place you can save a lot of money. Last week I got a total of $78 in cash back rewards. Granted you have to use it at CVS but
The gods are telling me I'm writing to much by my comment posting without me hitting the post button!
Just to finish, coming clean with your doctor will allow him to figure out what's the best way to treat your pain. When you work it all out, the rest of your troubles will be easier to deal with. Don't jeopardize your relationship with this doctor. Work together and get things in place and then work on either getting out of the abusive relationship or having family counseling to fix things.
I left you notes and tried checking on you. I was really worried about you! You will quit when you've had enough. Mary is right! I did the same thing to save money to"get out". If I had ten bucks I saved 2 if I had 100 I saved 30. I called it mad money and I think all women should have some!
Mary gave you great advice. I too think that a LOT of your issues would be resolved (improved anyway) if you could find a way out of the abusive relationship you're in. Start reaching out to local resources, like shelters, who can help you put a plan in place and start working on it. I understand that it isn't easy to just pick up and go, especially if you don't have family or close friends nearby who would help, but at some point, you have to make it happen sweetie, for you AND for your children. You can also ask your doctor for some help with your situation. Ask for a referral to therapy/social services. There IS help out there.
Thinking of you.
I'm so sorry... I don't really know how to get around on this site.... And especially since I'm having to use it from my phone!
Hey honey i am glad you are back. Everyone gave you great advice! I am also in a bad relationship and i know that i kept taking the pills to numb the pain and hurt he put on me. I stayed on the merry go round for a long time and finally decided that i want better for myself and for my kids. Yes it is hard i deal with pain and i deal with an abusive husband but now i am clear headed and i will be able to make changes. Honey if you really want this you have to look at your past relapses and make changes so you will not have to go through this again. The big one is cut your sources and get some type of aftercare. It is up to us to make our lives what we want them to be. I am here if you need to talk :)
Very Good Mommymarieme.
That just sounds awful..I feel for you..You should do as suggested above..You are only hurting you & you child more by using. These drugs can take your life if you keep doing this for a long, long time..A bad mix with the relationship too! My prays go out!!
Hi and welcome back. I remember that I wanted to quit for so long but kept the cycle of use going. I remember when I reached the point that I was so tired of chasing pills, counting pills, and to the point where it required taking pills to do anything. From going to the grocery store, to work, to taking my child to the zoo, every single thing I did / planned required preparation around pills. The pills controlled my life, my every move, and my happiness. Every week I'd get low on pills and start to freak out (so add constant stress to the mix above). It became a living nightmare.
That point drove me to stop. I hated the pills with a passion and wanted to begin living my life without the constant stress, sickness, and hassle. I wanted to be healthy and free again. It took some time for me to plan a couple days off work and to buy all the supplies and to prep myself up for the w/ds but I did it. Was it easy? No, but it has made my life so much better. I love who I am now and I love my husband and daughter more than ever before. I was numb to life and obsessed with my addiction.
I'm not sure if you're to that point yet or maybe you'll have to hit rock bottom before you decide to quit for good. You have to cut your sources and you're going to have to get aftercare. Those two aspects are going to be key in your recovery.
I'm glad you're back and I really hope you stick to it this time. It's the best, and most rewarding, change you can make for your life.
Happy Days-- how long have you been clean??
i remember those days....i felt like i was spinning out of control. i let my addiction get way way out of control. Then when i found myself at the point of no return i didnt even know how to begin recovery. I kept telling myself i got this...next time i will only take the prescribed amount. Ha...how the addicted brain lies. The good new is if you want to be sober you will get sober. You wont use any of your old excuses. none. Nobody, and i mean nobody will stop you from your sobriety. And its not easy. Took me a year to finally feel normal. I did inpatient care. twice. then i came home and went to meetings after meetings. still go. along the way i ;learned to let go of the old and embrace the new. The longer i stayed clean the more i felt alive. Stress came way down. Instead of feeling sorry for myself i began to feel pride. At first it was small....then it grew. And the meetings were my safe place. I didnt feel so alone and isolated. going let me see there were so many many people with the same problem. We dont have good coping skills. or is that just me?? and...i can remember a counsler telling me.....i bet your tired?? i was. Tired of counting. Tired of running. Tired of withdrawls then to do it again. All i thought about was pills pills pills.....a year and a half later i think of....what do i need to do today? I don't even think of reaching for a pill.
And, i would laugh in someones face when they would tell me i won't hurt as much. Well, thats the truth. i dont really hurt. and i have ms and knee issues. i get kind of achy. i want to sit down and rest. but i dont have that nagging pain in my head. really take the time to think about what it is that you want. You. You You.....put pen to paper. write it down. set goals. even if its a small one. and if you do decide to quit the pain pills put gold stars on every day you dont use. first it will be a day, then two, then a week, month, ect ect....then the next thing you know...six months then a year. You have all the power with in yourself.......you know what to do.....do it. It just may change your life
GREAT post, bama88!!!!!!!
I enjoyed your answer. Rang a bell with me. I found myself a little stressed and testy this am. Slept wrong, back hurts, anxiety is up, but I have been clean for 100 days, I am hanging on to that.
Sobriety has to be an unconditional commitment. Not contingent on my life situation being sweet. I want to stay off the relapse merrygoround.
Your suggestions bama88 were awesome. I can feel your strength and power from what you say. I too like not reaching for another pill. They are totally destructive to me. I might have blue thoughts once and a while now, but I am clearheadedly bluesy. And when I get tired of feeling sorry for myself now, I can snap out of it with a chuckle much easier!
Great, great advice above. That's exactly what I like about the MH site and the program of Narcotics Anonymous. You can't ever purchase anywhere, what you hear from real honest recovering addicts filled with the love and desire to help those who are still out suffering from our disease.
I just wanted to share with you what I learned about why I use when I'm out using: I don't use because my dog won a blue ribbon at the dog show and I want to celebrate, or if my dog dies and I need to get high and grieve. I use because I'm an addict and using is one of the many symptoms of addiction. I've never needed a reason to use. Using never fixed a thing for me. All it did was to put me to sleep and take away the world around me for a minute. And when I woke back up everything was just as it always had been and will always be. So I had to find a new way of living without the use of drugs. When I did, I learned that I must accept life on life's terms and develop the courage to change the one and only thing that I can change - and that's myself.
I hope you and your doctor are able to get you on the right track and relieve you of all your difficulties so you can experience complete freedom and good health again. Keep moving forward towards freedom every day.
Just ask yourself one question... " was it worth it?" Sure, you got your kicks and giggles for a week but, was it really worth it? 90, evil pills... It's NOT worth it. Now, you're back in the early days of detox. I am so sorry. I hate hearing people relapsing and going thru withdrawals. Most of us have relapsed. Now, learn from it. What are the changes that you're going to make so you don't relate again? If you really want to be clean, you can get clean. You need to really want it though. I'm 30 days clean today. Long 30 days but, worth every second of my sobriety. It's liberating to not live your life around a stupid pill. I hope that it all works out for you. God bless