I never learn

[mamaamw]

I went to the dr last Monday. Got 90 hydrocodones and they're all gone. Already. Why do I allow them to give me the meds? Why am I not strong enough to say no?

[OxyTired]

I enjoyed your answer. Rang a bell with me. I found myself a little stressed and testy this am. Slept wrong, back hurts, anxiety is up, but I have been clean for 100 days, I am hanging on to that.
Sobriety has to be an unconditional commitment. Not contingent on my life situation being sweet. I want to stay off the relapse merrygoround.
Your suggestions bama88 were awesome. I can feel your strength and power from what you say. I too like not reaching for another pill. They are totally destructive to me. I might have blue thoughts once and a while now, but I am clearheadedly bluesy. And when I get tired of feeling sorry for myself now, I can snap out of it with a chuckle much easier!

[clean_in_ks]

GREAT post, bama88!!!!!!!

[bama88]

i remember those days....i felt like i was spinning out of control. i let my addiction get way way out of control. Then when i found myself at the point of no return i didnt even know how to begin recovery. I kept telling myself i got this...next time i will only take the prescribed amount. Ha...how the addicted brain lies.  The good new is if you want to be sober you will get sober.  You wont use any of your old excuses. none. Nobody, and i mean nobody will stop you from your sobriety.  And its not easy.  Took me a year to finally feel normal. I did inpatient care. twice. then i came home and went to meetings after meetings. still go. along the way i ;learned to let go of the old and embrace the new.  The longer i stayed clean the more i felt alive. Stress came way down.  Instead of feeling sorry for myself i began to feel pride. At first it was small....then it grew.  And the meetings were my safe place.  I didnt feel so alone and isolated. going let me see there were so many many people with the same problem. We dont have good coping skills. or is that just me?? and...i can remember a counsler telling me.....i bet your tired?? i was. Tired of counting. Tired of running. Tired of withdrawls then to do it again. All i thought about was pills pills pills.....a year and a half later i think of....what do i need to do today? I don't even think of reaching for a pill.

And, i would laugh in someones face when they would tell me i won't hurt as much.  Well, thats the truth. i dont really hurt. and i have ms and knee issues. i get kind of achy. i want to sit down and rest. but i dont have that nagging pain in my head.  really take the time to think about what it is that you want. You. You You.....put pen to paper. write it down. set goals. even if its a small one. and if you do decide to quit the pain pills put gold stars on every day you dont use. first it will be a day, then two, then a week, month, ect ect....then the next thing you know...six months then a year.  You have all the power with in yourself.......you know what to do.....do it.  It just may change your life

[HappyDays2Come]

76 days :)

[mamaamw]

Happy Days-- how long have you been clean??

[HappyDays2Come]

Hi and welcome back. I remember that I wanted to quit for so long but kept the cycle of use going. I remember when I reached the point that I was so tired of chasing pills, counting pills, and to the point where it required taking pills to do anything. From going to the grocery store, to work, to taking my child to the zoo, every single thing I did / planned required preparation around pills. The pills controlled my life, my every move, and my happiness. Every week I'd get low on pills and start to freak out (so add constant stress to the mix above). It became a living nightmare.

That point drove me to stop. I hated the pills with a passion and wanted to begin living my life without the constant stress, sickness, and hassle. I wanted to be healthy and free again. It took some time for me to plan a couple days off work and to buy all the supplies and to prep myself up for the w/ds but I did it. Was it easy? No, but it has made my life so much better. I love who I am now and I love my husband and daughter more than ever before. I was numb to life and obsessed with my addiction.

I'm not sure if you're to that point yet or maybe you'll have to hit rock bottom before you decide to quit for good. You have to cut your sources and you're going to have to get aftercare. Those two aspects are going to be key in your recovery.

I'm glad you're back and I really hope you stick to it this time. It's the best, and most rewarding, change you can make for your life.