I think i am in big trouble and need help.

[dude22]

Hello, i was looking for some help online and i came across this site, please i implore you to give me your honest advice on my situation.

I am addicted to pain meds but not by choice, i have been taking percocets and oxicontin for 7 years now for pain due to back surgeries i have had done.

am up to 5 10mg perc a day and 2 20 mg oc a day, not bad to many that do it the normal way.
last year i started sorting my oc's because i was depressed and they made me happy, but then they suitched to op and now that cannot be done.

so i turn to percs and now i think i have a bigger problem than before.

ok here we go.
past 2-1/2 months my head started to burn and hurt, just the side of where i snorted the pills.
now my face feels a little numb aswell, nothing bad, but i am really scared.
it burns dab enough that the only thing that can stop the burning is more snorting of percs.

am afraid to tell my family doc cus i am also going to a pain clinic and i dont know if my family doctor will tell on me to the pain clinic.
i cant afford to do that since i cannot function without meds, my back is really in bad shape :(
so i still need the meds, i started taking them oraly, but the burning wouldt go away unless i snorted them, so i am stuck at snorting atm.

i was told that it could be nerve damage and that a pain management could take care of it, but i dont want to tell my pain clinic cus i am afraid of being labeled an addict and not being able to have my meds to be able to at least functions due to my bad back.

i hope i can get some answers to help guide me in the right direction.
again i dont mind taking them orally like am supposed to, but it burns if i dont.

please oh please help.

thank you very much.

Dude22

[dude22]

thanks you all.
Thanks for the kind words and great suggestions, i do appreciate all the insight that is given, please dont think for a second that it has no effect on me, i can get so much from this :)

Also another day without snorting, and another day that i feel better than the day before, still burns a little bit, which i think sadly I might have damaged some nerves :(

but i will check into that soon enough.

Thanks

[quitinoxys]

I just read this post and I am sooo glad you didn't decide to leave. I am glad to hear you stopped snorting as the acetaminophen (Tylenol) can destroy not only your nasal cavity but your liver as when you snort you get all of it at once in your bloodstream.  There are many people here that started taking opiates for chronic pain, I being one of them. I was on oxys for 7 years due to a serious spinal injury from a bad fall. I had several serious spinal surgeries and I know how you feel about not being able to function w/o pain meds.

As far as the addictive behavior it is a sign that things are getting out of hand. I myself started at a low dose of oxy 20 mg 2X/day and after a while it didn't help anymore so my PM up the dose. By year 5 I was taking 80 3X/day plus 10 mg percs 3X/day for breakthrough pain. Well at that stage I had no life I was just living in a drug haze. I wanted my life back so I made a decision that I would rather find another way to deal with my pain. I went C/T and it wasn't easy but I have been clean for almost a year now (320 days).

I now am opiate free and have found alternative ways of dealing with my pain such as exercise, acupuncture, yoga, herbs amino acids, and spices. I am not saying I am 100% pain free but I can now control my pain w/o opiates.  I know this may sound far fetched but it works for me. I am just telling this so you can explore these options and maybe you can live without opiates. I truly know how scary it is to commit to stopping the things (opiates) that make you able to function but I am living proof that it can be done.

I don't know if you are religious but one other huge thing that has helped me is prayer. But that is a personal thing. So I hope I was some help to you and hope you keep posting here as the people on this forum are truly amazing and without them and support of my grat family I may not have made it. So once again please keep posting and I will pray for you and will ask God to guide you. God Bless---Rick  

[tgtiffany]

Love your post.  All of it is so true.  Keep your head up and you will get where you want to be.  And always smile!  You're amazing, don't lose sight of that :)

[mellie4]

There are lots of pain patients here.  Some have slid into addiction, others haven't.  Like Ashelen, I've decided to see where I am without pain meds, though I'm doing a taper.  And it *****.  I never misused my meds or ran out early.  I didn't even take as much as I was supposed to.  And I was on a BOAT LOAD ... Fentanyl, oxycodone, Cymbalta, clonidine, prescription gels, 9 surgeries, countless procedures.  The pain clinic doesn't really want me off my meds either.

You cannot know until you get OFF EVERYTHING where your real pain is.  Yesterday I thought it's lucky we don't have guns because I would have blown my head off with the pain.  The weather affects me and it was rainy and cold.  Plus, I just dropped down on the morphine (I switched over from the oxycontin to a lower dose.)  When you taper, you get continuous withdrawals but milder than CT.  I know I could have taken extra morphine or even taken the oxycodone as I have some from my last prescription.  But that would defeat what I'm trying to do, which is see where my REAL pain is.

Like Ashelen, I may need to be back in pain management.  The likelihood is I will.  But I want to be on my terms.

I don't know what to suggest about being honest with your pain doctor or primary care.  I know my pain doctors would help me taper down if I was addicted; they wouldn't boot me out the door.  Same with my primary.  But not all doctors are like that.

And I agree with Vicki.  If you've got an acute infection going on, it needs to be treated.  The chronic issue can take a backseat at the moment.  But not for long.

There are loads of people that get through this.  I wish I could go CT but I can't.  I have some underlying health issues and 4 kids that I have sole custody of.  Plus an 83 year old dad.  And huge financial issues.  Personally, I think I'll handle all these things BETTER when I GET OFF these meds.  Or at least get down to a really low dosage.

I don't want to take my pills by the clock to "stay ahead of the pain."  Sometimes in life we have to deal with some pain.  I truly believe the people here who say their pain lessened when they came off the medications.  There's just too many of them who've done it and say that to not believe it.  I'm hoping I'm going to be one of those people.  I don't know yet.  It's a hard road to get off narcotics, whether you're addicted or just dependent.

You're doing great by cutting back and not snorting anymore.  But you really won't know what your pain is until you're off them.  Maybe you can get there now or maybe not.  That's up to you.  The thing is, if you do get off them and you find you can't do without them you can always go back on them.  In your heart, don't you want to know where your pain truly is and what the minimum medication is that you can get by with?

Remember, someone is making money off you ... my medications used to come to over $3000 a month.  When I realized that, I realized I'm a cash cow for these doctors.  Why would they want me off them?  Meds, procedures, surgeries ... and I'm worse off than I was when I started.

Like I said, I'm not one to talk since I'm still tapering, but you can do this.  Since lowering my dose my head is clearer.  Yesterday was brutal for me.  But you know what?  Today is a new day and my pain is significantly better.  Do I still have bad pain?  Yep.  But not as bad as yesterday.

Good luck.  And please stay on the forum.  You need this support.  "Take what you need and leave the rest," is good advice.  Don't get offended if someone says something you don't like.  The support you get will always outweigh any negatives.  And even when someone says something negative, you can usually find some value in it.

[tgtiffany]

haha.  Everyone to Ashelen's house!!!  Our pond is super low, so no fishing lately :(  Hope you catch something good!  Have a super-fantastical day :)

[Ashelen]

I think you're doing great, dude...hang in there.  and I agree - I couldn't tell that English wasn't your first language!

Everyone can come fishing at our house! Until we build the boat ramp into the water you just kinda have to haul whatever you're using down there...or come help us build a dock and then you can just sit and relax, lol.

[dominosarah]

Way to go on no snorting!!  Keep it up!!

I want to go fishing.........

[vicki595]

Fishing???   I'm jealous!!!

You should feel better!!  Call the doctor tomorrow morning if you're still feeling the same as today!  Okay??    You might need a stronger antibiotic...

I'm proud of you for not snorting!!  I know it's hard!  But...you just can't!

[dude22]

another day goes by, another day i didnt snort woohoo lol
sadly i dont feel any better than yesterday, but i still feel better than when i was doing it.

:)

now i go fishing :D

[tgtiffany]

YAY!  That's so good!  Keep it up :)  

[dude22]

will do :)
its amazing how everything is starting to normalize as soon as i stopped, wish i knew better about this before :(
trust me i would have done so a long time a go if i did.

will keep you all posted, least i can do for the great help you all have provided :)

[dominosarah]

I am glad to hear you are feeling better.  Make sure you take all the anitbiotics.  Keep us posted~~~~sara

[sudie58]

thats really good that the numbness has gone, also the head pain, it was very lucky you didnt get an infection, as you say, the antibiotics wont hurt either, glad you kept us updated, please dont snort again!, god bless.

[dude22]

doing really good, nose still irritated but thats to be expected iguess, my facial numbness is gone, and my head pain and burning have toned down about 50% :)

so am hoping that with me stopping snorting and the antibiotics will help out a lot.

thanks.

[tgtiffany]

Wow!  You're English is pretty good though, never thought for a minute it wasn't your native one!  How are you doing today?  I hope well :)  I'm off to bed now as it's 1:52am and I'm wasting precious sleep time while the kiddos are sleeping haha ni-nite!

[vicki595]

Hey Dude!  You're doing great!!

[dude22]

I am puerto rican actually, can not cant :P lol
i grew up all over the place, from the island to the bronx to chicago to, and back and forth lol, tho i have been now where am at for 20 years.
i try to do ok with my writing, not perfect, but i least id like to think i can be understood :)

[tgtiffany]

Thanks!  And I would never have guessed English is not your native language!!  What is? If you don't mind me asking...

[dominosarah]

Im glad you are sticking around dude~~~sara

[dude22]

thanks hon, is people like you and others that have shown their support via public and private that has made me reconsider :)

this is why i started to post, i saw many threads where peoples words alone was having an impact on some one else, that i find very powerful, i really do.

again, i will keep you updated on this thread as to how am doing, still in shock as to how much people want to help, is a nice change of scenery from my daily life so called friends.

also please excuse my bad grammar at times, english is not my native language :)

[tgtiffany]

You better!!  Otherwise we might start fighting again and talking about vacuuming and sweeping...lol

[tgtiffany]

Wow.  Amazing post.  It made me cry :)  So true though.  I think you've said what a lot of people think and just don't have the words to say sometimes.  :)  As you said a lot of people think they can't do it without pain meds, but they can, it just might be a little harder than before, but it's possible :)  I really think that you are truly amazing for doing this "just for you" even though you are dying in pain.  That shows a lot of self control and I really look up to you for that!!!  You're awesome :)

[dude22]

LOL thanks, i will continue reading the forums, not much of a poster, but i will post when i think i can help or share my experiences with some one :)

@Ashelen
thank you for sharing your story, and i appreciate your thoughts and concerns.
I have tho, i have cut back on the intake before and it just wasnt going to work.
I did it for a month straight and i cut them by less than half, just wasnt happening.

about the addictive behavior, i started last year due to depression from a failed marriage and i was left to take care of 2 of my children full time while being unemployed due to my back problems.

after i got my depression under control for the most part, i continued doing it cus it was doing the same effect as orally and if i didnt snort them, my nasals would kill me, i didnt see nothing wrong since i didnt have any issues till lately.

now that i see that those issues came to light, i stopped and wont and will not continue to do stupid things like that, my kids need me now the most, i cannot fail them like i fail to myself.

i really didnt think i was doing any harm, i just merely continue what i was doing and didnt think nothing of it, was it wrong and idiotic of me to do so? absolutely, have i learned my lesson? hell yeah.
will i do it again? hell no, as stated it became to the point of just working as if taken orally and was not giving me any extra mood swings at all, so i really was only or i should say i only continued to take them like that cus i noticed my nasals where very irritated lol

thanks for sharing, is always nice to hear where people come from and what took them there, and most importantly, what made them come back ;)

[Ashelen]

Hey - I was interested to read your post, and I'm really glad that the crisis seems to have been averted.

Mind if I share? Hope you don't; I rarely take the hint to shut up and in this case there's no chance for preemptive editing so...here I go!

I'm a chronic pain patient too. crippling back/neck/head pain. Been taking pain meds on and off (mostly on) for the last 5 years. No trouble with addictive behaviors...took my meds as prescribed, even lowered my dose from time to time voluntarily to keep my tolerance from sky-rocketing. About 3 weeks ago..maybe a little more...I woke up one morning and felt crappy because I hadn't taken my pill yet. And so I took a pill - I didn't hurt too bad, certainly not enough to need a narcotic pain pill - but I HAD to take it, or be sick. That was a HUGE slap in the face. I saw a future of sliding and slipping and a cycle of dependence and looming addiction that scared the crap out of me. I could've used the excuse of "you have serious problems, you have 2 small children who you caretake for 24/7 almost completely alone, and you have a pain management doctor who is happy to throw medicine at you and in fact refuses to support you stopping the meds because your issues are so serious"....I could've. but I didn't. I stopped taking the meds 2 weeks ago....I've stopped them before when I was pregnant, or when the pain was at a low, but I've never stopped taking them in the middle of a flare "just for me" before...and I'm glad I did. I needed to get REAL. I need to face the world for a little while and get to know my body and its limits without the meds. Yes..I'm in pain. as I type right now I'm gritting my teeth because my neck hurts so bad, but I saw a scary future that I needed to avert.

now...I may end up in pain management again. I realize that. But taking control of my life again was more important to me than being pain free. I'm only 25 and the thought of living with this pain the rest of my life brings me to tears pretty much instantly..it's depressing and overwhelming, terrifying and frustrating...but the thought of living from pill to pill just to be able to function - unbearable.

I know that our stories are somewhat different, but really - you need to be in control of your life. saying you can't function without the pills may be true - for now...but you never know what you are capable of until you try. I think as pain management patients, we think we are so hard and so tough living with such incredible pain ALL the time (and yes, it's exhausting being in pain all the time) but the truth is...and, sorry if I offend anyone, we are WIMPS. big fat wimps. that's why we take pain meds. I know people with far more serious problems than I have who don't take pain meds. for years I didn't understand how. I'm still learning to understand...but I hope I can. I hope I"m the person that when people say "why don't you just take a vicodin if you hurt that bad?" I smile and say "because I'm tough as h$ll, that's why." and I hope to really MEAN it.

pain meds are an amazing tool to manage acute pain...and chronic pain for many many people MUST be managed with narcotics. but you have to realize that there comes a point at which you lose control of your life to the pills - and then what's worse...what's REALLY worse...the pills, or the pain?

when you make up your mind that the pills are worse, you'll make a change. or you won't...really, it's your life, and I am NOT judging you - just sharing what happened with me. And yes, I freely admit that I"m a wimp and may someday end up on pain medicine again. I can't even lift my daughter to "fly her" because it hurts so bad - but if my doctor says "take X number a day, every day" I'll throw the script in his face and walk out. that is worse to me than a little pain. (and yes, I want to qualify again...some people MUSt take pain medicine all day every day...I have family members like that, and as someone who was recently in that situation, I understand the mentality, I understand the need, and I support anyone in that much pain no matter how they cope with it - as LONG as they are NOT misusing their script...and that's the key. and yes, everyone processes pain differently and some people do well on pain pills chronically - but people who are displaying addictive behaviors MUST, in my mind, find a different alternative. it was enough to scare the crap out of me just CONSIDERING that possibility).