Im in desperate need of some advice.

[maria920]

I know it's been a very long time since I've posted anything here but there are no excuses as to why I haven't. I have been on the Suboxone program for almost 5 years in my opinion it isn't doing what it's supposed to anymore. Recently over the past few weeks or so have the urge to use more everyday although I'm fighting that urge I'm petrified that I'm going to give into it. My Suboxone doctor wants to lower my dose to see what happens. But I know exactly what's going to happen the urges are going to get stronger and I'm going to cave. I don't want to use but I would be lying if I said that some part of me didn't want to. Is there any advice that anybody can give me to help me out with this? I have had a lot going on over the past two maybe three years that has contributed to this. My son husband diagnosed with autism and is in a special school for children like him but needless to say he has developed some very undesirable habits or behaviors. The school has been thinking about kicking him out because I just can't handle it anymore. The more overwhelmed I get the closer I am to saying to hell with the Suboxone picking back up the needle. I'm not even sure what my question is I'm thinking I just need somebody to talk to or who can relate to my situation in any way. My husband doesn't understand what I'm going through because he has never used before so he doesn't know how to help me and when he thinks he's helping me really all he's doing is pushing me further and further away. I have tried to tell him this before but it's not working and I love him more than anything as well as my children. I know that my children need a mother who is addicted to heroin and who isn't contemplating I'm throwing everything away butt I'm just not sure what to do anymore. Any advice is welcome thank you.

I'm sorry for any typos I'm using voice text to make it easier and faster.

[ImInAwe]

Aftercare for sure! I was in a suboxone program for 5 years, and they preached aftercare was the only way to do it, and now that im over a year clean from it, i know they were right. As long as your on a substance, your addiction is going to tell you you want/need more unless your fighting it with aftercare of some kind. It ***** to hear it, but your doc is right, tapering down your dose is the way to go. But it will only work if you get a support system, like AA, NA, Celebrate Recovery, a therapist, something. There you will find people you can talk to that understand! Praying for you!

[gnarly_1]

Hey Maria...been a wile but I remember you.... you have been given some great advise  aftercare is critical in order to recover.....just because where off of our drug of choice does not equal recovery....where still left with the addict in your head that is alive and well...I was on methadone for 7 yrs so I no what it is like to live on a maintenance drug....now aftercare comes in many forms and what works for 1 doesn't necessarily work for the other...I have tryed most ...first the pastor of our church...then a substance abuse counselor..then a addiction therapist...all worked to a degree but it was the rooms of N/A that gave me  my life back.....it is free  the meetings are only a hour long...it will give you some place that is safe to share where the people will understand.....for most of us myself included I had to step out of my comfort zone to go to my first meeting....that is normal...just go and sit and listen with time most addict feel right at home and you realize your not the only one that thinks the way you do ....Na treats the addict.....the behaviors like the obsessions the compulsions  the guilt and shame most addicts live with until they seak help  the real mirical....by working the program doing the steps with time you will loose the very desire to use.....something I always thought was impossible.....this is the only program that I know of that can offer that to you......and for this addict it was God sent...  just know this.....nothing changes if nothing changes  recovery takes work but it is less work then using 24/7...Maria I work with addicts on this forum for over 6 years now...your at a crossroad here....your only one bad dission from ruining your life again....please please seak help google a Na meeting near you and go I promise if it will work for a old dope fiend like me that used for 35yrs it will truly work for any one that is honest with them self  p/m me if you would like more info
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Gnarly<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

[jifmoc]

Maria- reread the posts of Motye and Dominosarah.

You are the living example of what happens when we think a maintenance drug will save us. Get into aftercare immediately. Good luck to you.

[dominosarah]

You are setting yourself up to use again.  Why not set yourself up to succeed and to get some help.  I heard alot of excuses and you speak of the guilt you feel.  Getting some help will allow you to free yourself of that.  You need to realize you are worth this fight and beating yourself up everyday isnt helping any.  It's time to reach out and start living again~

[Ben727]

Hey Maria, there's a lot of conflicting ideas in your post. You're on a Suboxone program but it doesn't appear to include any effective counseling. You love your husband but he's pushing you away. You have the urge to use but you know what will happen if you do.

I agree with everyone else, you need real-life support. My best advice is that before you make any drastic changes like starting to use or quitting subs, you need to get serious about getting some support. If AA/NA works for you, great, you need to throw yourself into it. There are other alternatives like SMART as well that you can look into. An addiction counselor would be a real benefit to you as well. That's where I personally would start.

It would be great if your husband was a big help to your effort to get clean. If he's not, he needs to at least be a net-neutral factor. If he's actually pushing towards using, you're going to have to make some changes there as well.

You're at a challenging stage in your life. Going back to using heroin is going to make everything 1000X worse and you know that. It's not an option. So get focused, get out of your rut, and start making some phone calls and doing some research on support options. You can do it!

[maria920]

Thank you, that is something i really needed to hear. My husband tries to be supportive but he just doesn't understand.  At first I didnt think i needed counseling but after reading all of the posts here and really thinling about it i think it would helpe to speak to someone. The thing that gets me is after all this time I still cant forgive myself for the things I've done to my family. Ie stealing lying and being a complete disappointment. Everyone forgives me but i still cant let go of the guilt. I know my posts are all over the place but thats how my thought process is right now.  I did call today to make an appointment with a counselor im just hoping when it comes time to go i know what questions to ask and what to say. I did go twice before bit because i felt judged i didn't go back. They probably weren't judging me, I just felt as if they were. If that makes any sense?

[Ben727]

It's important that you have a good connection with a councilor or therapist. It's absolutely ok if you don't have that connection to find another one. The first addiction councilor I had said some pretty judgmental things to me that were tough to swallow. Rather than let her get me off track or internalizing it, I just went to another one. The second one really helped a lot. Don't let one bad experience define the process. I'm really glad to hear you're going to look into it again. Stay focused and stay strong. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

[motye51]

I'll have to second what Danny just said.....I was on the Suboxnne program for 7 years and was not told that aftercare was just as big a part of the plan as the medicine.  To me, it sounds like your scared that your not going to be able to handle life without the use of SOMETHING to help you.  This is where aftercare comes into play because it teaches you how.  5 years is well enough time to have been on the subs and it really IS time to start tapering.  The tapering process, if done correctly, is a very LONG, SLOW process so it's not like your going to be removed immediately.  Start searching your area and see what's available for aftercare.  We ALL have issues and we ALL have things in our lives that are hard......still not a reason to keep using.

[maria920]

I have been tapering down, i started at 16mgs and now im down to 6 but im so scared to go any lower bc im petrified of relapsing but then again lately its all i cam think about. I keep telling myself that if I do use i will lose everything good in my life. My husband would definitely leave me with the kids if i ever went back to using.  Dont get me wrong if i stumbled a bit he would be there for me but if i were to go back to the place i was 5 years ago he would leave, and i dont blame him.  The holidays are the hardest time of year for me.

[Danny111]

Hi Maria,
Have you been going to any sort of aftercare?  NA, AA, addiction counseling etc?  

[maria920]

I haven't been to any sort of aftercare. I didn't think i needed it but now im thinking i definitely do.

[Danny111]

Almost everyone that I see on here who has extended clean time swears by aftercare.  I don't think it matters what form.  AA, NA, seeing a counselor, whatever you're comfortable with.