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5792946 tn?1382372153

Im so scared

I'm not gonna lie to ne1 on here I came here looking for how much kilonopin I needed to mix with wat methadone I might still get in order to fall asleep for good cuz I'm so scared of what's about to happen....

Been on methadone bout 5 yrs steady not messed up 99 mlgs for past 3 yrs til bput month ago I started weinin( I live in Sacramento n don't qualify for media Cal at 27 so I'm forced to pay $285 a month) I got down to 75 in like just under 2 mos n want to continue to taper BUT I'm out of money bad leg and shattered my heels bout 3 years ago and outta money living at home with mom who already makes me feel icky just when she looks at me so I hide away... now I'm outta money n ways to make it n am not gonna steal have n have NO coming in to pay fees.... I'm barely at a steady 75 mgs still having bad Mornings... and they are gonna put me on a 21 day detox(10% of my dose every 2 days til 21 pass) nobody understands in my family that I try to talk to so now all I wanna do is end it before this HORRIBLE 25% of pain Im feeling from wein already turns into 150% unlivable pain in a couple weeks.... I keep saying I need to just get 3 more months to wein and then they can put me on 21 day but I'm outta money can't make any and they want $285 a month but I don't have the money nor way to make it nor the family to pull together n help me thru this rough time.... I'm shaking scared and there is no way to prepare myself I mean I am terrified I need more time to we in..... idk this isn't even me to come to this place n write this but I saw no stories like ,one where there hand was being forced into withdrawals... I'm scared and now I'm gonna lay in bed for a month unable to move according to one guy n I believe it... of course the phyciatrist there gave me kilonopin for my anxiety like 2 months ago so now I got that addiction too and I haven't been high in idk even how long..... I don't wanna end up in emergency room with them saying there nothing they can do but try an find a state bed for ya.... it all honestly doesn't seem worth it nor do I deserve it I've been doin nothing wrong not goin n getting high so that makes it even harder to accept... if anyone out there can give me he ideas or words of wisdom that understand where I'm at or even California laws n ways around gettin on media Cal for sure please let me know.... this starts this Tuesday and I'm terrified sitting in room just idk I don't think I can do it.... IM SO SCARED AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS AND THE STIGMA PEOPLE PUT ON U FOR BEIN ON IT UGH IDK LET ME KNOW NE1......
195 Responses
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5792946 tn?1382372153
Nutty thats the way! and everyone that found this post inspiring thank u.... I re read earlier n got it re posted hope I can help like everyone here helped me become the stronger guy I am that can in return help u all be stronger too..
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It's interesting to follow this post from the beginning. It's like watching a life change right before your eyes. Seriously, you should stick around here. It's prob good for you to stay on track, but it would prob also help others taking the first steps on the road you just went down. Congrats and good luck!
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Avatar universal
this rocks. You done it. It's downhill from here. It's not all peaches and cream, but you wanted it and you kicked it. This message board is a life saver. For me, it put everything in context.

I'd have proly given up if i was the only one with insomnia. You inspired me to stick it out. Clean is better than sleep. but even that, it's slowly working out. I got like 8 hrs last night (for once in a long time)

Hang tough!
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4341997 tn?1514588688
Hi and welcome Dede!!  congrats on wanting to kick your demons as well~!  If you need some support you can always go to the top of the page here and hit "ask a question".  It doesnt' have to be in question form....you can say what ever you like....this site is awesome for support and info....just hang in there....I am also from MS originally   :))  
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Avatar universal
Im new here. Battling my own demons but ran accross your post and was instantly drawn in due to your cry for help. Kudos to you. Dont really understand all the terminology you all are throwing out there but I get the main idea..Im an old lady..what can I say..lol  just wanted to say, Im inspired by YOU..and if you can kick this..I should have no trouble with my demon. I wish you much continued success. BTW..I was able to pick up on some of the over the county remedies. Thanks for the ideas. Stay strong. You are worth the effort.
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5792946 tn?1382372153
Thanks weaver... Means a lot coming from u esp...
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Avatar universal
I remember these first days, I am amazed at your progress. From 0 to hero in a week in a half. Yet another miracle.
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5792946 tn?1382372153
Wow my status today is def not guy that started this post.... Thanks for idea rosy.... Wow... I really have came  long way... I almost don't even wanna bring it back up lol... Wow u guys helped save me... Wow... I'm tripping out right now...
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5786666 tn?1374494531
How are you doing?? Hope still going strong like the ox you are!!
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5792946 tn?1382372153
Wow mojo I am bad right now n can't sleep but I feel like hell n u got me crying like a baby like I haven't even heard of u n u went thru that for me n to let me know..... AND to tell me u been watching me thank u thank u so much I'll try an find it.... Wow thank u....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'll be right here!  Yell out and I'll probably appear!  Lol. Everyone here has done me a world of good!!  I would probably chime in more if I were on the laptop, or if I weren't still trying to run the world while I changed my life!  I'll rear my head again! And Digger?  Thanks for the warm welcome!  You've made me feel quite at home!
WantANewLife??  I've been routing for you since you appeared and scared me to death!  You've made incredible strides!  I'm so proud!  Keep pushing! I know you can!  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Well its nice of you to drop in, you should hang about my friend, we can only do good for each other on here. With you liking your music you will fit in just fine, lol. I'm always looking for new music to chase down, i have the Mojo album playing away now, thank you for that.

WantARealLife/WARL you are doing amazing by the way keep it up mate, just think a couple of weeks from now, everything will be improving, not long to wait for a new life and a new outlook on EVERTHING!!! Your rocking it!!!
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Avatar universal
Hi digger and thanks!  I feel great!!!  Amazing even!  I really really just that badly wanted WantARealLife85 to get tuned in on that song. Lol.  That's the newest "album" and most people haven't heard it. That song got me through some struggling moments. I just felt compelled to pass it along to him!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm listening to "I won't back down" now, so good haven't heard these in age's so cool!!! Cheers for the pick up!
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Avatar universal
Hello Mojo, love the track you suggested. Glad you dropped in, how are you feeling, you sound like you have your headphone's firmly planted on your head, i am abot 10 weeks clean now and i'm still sitting with mine stuck to my head, lol. You should try starting a new thread for yourself to get the support needed. Or you can piggy back, you lurker you, lol. I lurked for a few days first, i think we all did. Best of luck to you, keep it up my friend!

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Avatar universal
what song is playing?
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5347058 tn?1381188426
Just hang in there and try to go with it. It *****, but it will pass. You are doing great! Getting your life back from the beast! Music helps a lot BTW. Definitely got me through some rough times.
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5792946 tn?1382372153
My body's so pissed off at me o man..... Took bath but still.... Wow....
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5792946 tn?1382372153
I have music blaring from tablet on headphones..... I ain't sleep in.... Melatonin helps lol...
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Avatar universal
I'm a lurker. 78 hours clean from hydros.  I just went thru a crazy mess to create a username because that's how bad I wanted to tell my fellow Tom Petty enthusiast to try the Mojo album. Preferably "I should have known it".  There's you some motivation! You got this!  I knew it when I saw you use Tom as motivation!!  Keep on singing!  
Plus. It's getting very time consuming for me to check on you trying to load this many posts on my cell!  When can we move to a fresh thread?  Help an old woman out!  
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Avatar universal
I'm not to sure Weaver, Anybody, anybody? Someone must know, i like hearing new stuff..
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Avatar universal
I bought the soup dragons version in Austin, '87 or so. They did another cover if I remember right. Anybody?
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Avatar universal
Soup Dragons - "I'm Free"  Love this track, have a listen if poss!!!
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Avatar universal
I found that emotions returning, made the music more Alive. Free Falling, I'mmmm Freeeee!!!!!!!! Free Falling! I can see you on the open highway. Imagine!
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