Unfortunately, like many others I am not new to this board. I have been on here many many months ago asking questions with the intent to quit this long overdue dependence on pain meds.
I refer to myself as an internet addict, I dont have a dealer I call, I have random internet dealers from whom I order from what might seem like lower level meds to some but they are still just as hard to quit. Somewhat of a functioning addict, have been able to hold jobs at least but the rest of me life has went to sh*t.
Started off on tramadol (why couldn't the US ban it sooner!!), then got into dihydrocodeine and regular codeine (DHC was my DOC). What makes my situation unique is I am currently working a job outside of the US with ZERO comforts in terms of daily living and I put in 6 12 hour days a week with no days off besides the one per week. The reason I am writing this message now is because I am finally at a point where I get my one 2.5 week vacation for the year. This time around I HAVE to use it to get off these meds because I am absolutely terrified I will be forced to do it while I am here at work from running out. It takes a long time to get any mail here and I dont like the fact of sending that type of mail here regardless, plus the DHC supplier went down for awhile once before but I was lucky to have lots of trams to at least kill the physical stuff.
RIght now I have "tapered" down to using regular codeine which is almost out but I also have about 150 50mg trams. It wasn't will power that got me to taper at least off the DHC, it was simply a case of not having access.
Here is my dilemma, do I go to a somewhat closer country like Thailand (5 hour flight vs. 13 hours) and get a nice hotel for 20 days and stop the meds in the comforts of a hotel and rambling on these forums for support (I have valium and even a very small amount of Suboxone to help). Another option, do I fork over $8-10k to go to a rehab center in Thailand (paying out of pocket). Or do I just fly all the way back to the US and tackle the issue there? I guess the reason I am unsure is because I dont know what my state of mind will be after 2.5 weeks, if its pretty fragile and I am depressed and hating myself for what I have let myself get into then I might not even be able to return to my current job, this means another plane ticket from Thailand to the US and about a total of $10-13k of money spent on this "vacation", which of course will depress me more, not to mention I won't have a job lined up in the US. Or do you think after that amount of time I should be able to return to work overseas which at least would allow me to recoup the money but endure the crappy living and long hours of work? I am afraid the depression might be too much.
To get an insight on my usage, I was taking anywhere from 1200 to 900mg of DHC per day on and off for 2 years. For the last week after running out of DHC, I am now on about 600-700g of Codeine along with maybe 400mgs of tramadol (I take it as I need it so I haven't really set a schedule yet). Like I said I have valium, some clonidine, and 2.5 8mg sub strips. My biggest weakness when it comes to withdrawal is waking up when that daze is lifted and realizing the situation you are in, it seems so beatable when the meds are in you, but once you get that first taste of withdrawal you feel like a defeated soul.
Sorry for the long post, I know going to a rehab is always the best choice, but I also hate spending the money that I have sacrificed many good years working in shithole countries trying to get ahead. Plus the reason I picked Thailand and not going to the US for rehab is because its close and I guess the thought of going to the US to try and kick this and knowing I won't want to see my family in that condition (I have still kept it a secret) just seems like more mental torture than being in a tropical foreign land.
Once again, sorry for the rambling, as many of you know your mind is flooded with emotions knowing withdrawal is just over the horizon.