So sorry your having to go through this. Addiction does such damage to families. Unfortunately theres not much you can do until he wants to get clean. It really might help you to go to an Ala-non (sp) meeting though. They will help you deal with this and give some great advise on things like.....enabling etc. Keep reading and posting we will help all we can.
hi. sounds like you are already managing the situation better than a lot of folks do. if you guys have an agreement that there is to be a zero-tolerance policy in relation to your son continuing to use, you are doing a lot. this unfortunately will not stop him from doing so, if he is not ready to stop, but it may hasten a decision on his part to change. it is important to understand that he is very ill, but his condition will never be successfully arrested without his willingness. as mary stated above, your best resource is to find al-anon in your area, as they are comprised of others going through the same situation. there you will find practical solutions to maintain both fairness and sanity, as well as prepare for when, hopefully, your son is ready. also, please don't hesitate to ask anything here---there are folks here who want to help! take care, gm
Well - - i think that we all know that its extraordinarily rare to come down with "food poisoning" three times consecutively..... Since you asked for opinions - - I will give you one. Bear in mind that I dont know you or him - this is just coming from a few years of experience. And first of all .... you have my full and total sympathy and I hope that everything ends up working out fine for you. It does happen that way sometimes. Your son isnt addicted to pot. Square that away right now. On the positive side - I dont think that he is withdrawing from anything either. Much more likely that he did have some access to something and used it. His tolerance isnt what it used to be and he got sick from the almost immediate affects of the heroin. A danger here is that he is at a huge risk of an accidental overdose. And the resulting death. I wouldnt expect you or your husband to enable him by providing money or anything. At the same time - - you and the husband need to be able to discuss things rationally. If there are emotional issues involved your husband isnt helping......possibly hurting. There is a difference between tough love and little or no expressed love. He needs to know that both of you love him. Thats it. Do your best to open and maintain some sort of dialogue with him. This doesnt happen fast - but it can happen. Communicate. You do need to protect the rest of the family - but as a father i would be crushed if I thought that my son was attempting to ask for help and I didnt hear him. And frequently the person trying to do the asking thinks that they are quite clear. But then they also think that shooting up some smack is a good idea. I would imagine that we both agree that the school of thought here isnt proper. UUhhhhh -- I just realized that I missed the part about him begging for help 2 weeks ago? Whats with that? Did you offer to assist him in finding some help? Maybe the husband didnt hear him beg for help. That happens. The down side is that you may only have a limited window of opportunity to work with him. Your husband doesnt understand either the motivation nor the culture that has your son in its power right now. I am guessing that he has no addiction problem or experience. Its very hard for someone with no exposure or experience to come to grips with the addiction issue. Almost impossible. That really does not make him bad in any way at all. Just no experience. You both may want to check out Al Anon for a few meetings. You may also want to keep reading through the forum and other online assetts. NA is even available at their web site. You are welcome to PM me anytime that you wish - - - no problem. Keep educating yourself on this issue. You will never be able to learn enough to deal totally with it.... but you should be able to get a leg up and start somewhere.........This isnt the time for any BS male pissing contests. Your sons life and future may well lie in the balance. Best of luck to you and with him. Its not a really easy thing to address. Get to Al Anon while your son is at NA and learn from some experienced people what you are trying to deal with. And best of luck to you. I am a father and a Boy Scout leader - and I have a soft spot for broken hearted mothers ...........
Can I be wrong? I want to be wrong. Even my husband never thought it was anything other than pot smoking every once in a while. I need to know if he could be on heroin and I just not know it. What do you act like while on heroin? And I don't understand how being so cold is suppose to help him. Won't he just end up on the street? When he left here he said well give me a hug mom cause im going to go do heroin now and end up dead in a ditch. How am I being a good mother by saying ok well matt that will be your decision. I just told him I can't have someone on drugs around kids who love him so much having to deal with this any longer. I'm freaking dying here with NO ONE to talk to cause my husband just doesn't want to hear a thing. What if my actions kill my kid?
my son has a broken heart as well but my husband can't see that. and when i try to tell him anything he just blames me for all that is wrong with matt. says it's because of my soft heart that my son feels he can do anything. my son has lived here for at least 6 months now and doesn't ask for money or clothes or anything from us. my husband had made him live in the car on and off for not coming home on time or not doing what hes told. like i said my husband is a hard *** with matt big time. my son has begged us to move. but we just cant. i really believe my son wants help. hes cried to me asking for it but my husband insist that he is just playing me. i just don't even trust my own feelings anymore. can i be so wrong? sorry to bother you its just so hard to tell family members when you think your son is on heroin cause in the back of my mind im thinking maybe he's not just maybe. and than my family well i only have one sister thats it but i don't want her thinking hes a bad person. hes such a sweet person. he ask us for nothing! and now i can't even give him a roof to live under.
hi. like eagle said, pot is a take it or leave it sort of thing. at worst there may be a bit of a psychological dependency, but it is nothing compared to heroin. and if he's like myself or most every other user i ever met, once he's done heroin, pot isn't going to do it for him anymore. what is imperative for you to understand, (and this is where al-anon is crucial), is that your son has a condition that will kill him if he continues to use. at best he might just end up in prison or a mental institution. enabling him, making it easier for him to use, providing him with things that he will only use to further his addiction will only prolong the descent. the hope is that he will get sick enough of living the life of an addict that he will decide to ask for help. do not let him play the guilt trip game either. an addict is like a wounded animal backed into a corner and will say or do anything to maintain their habit. some of us resort to worse things than others, but the guilt thing is common across the board. and YES, it is his decision. your actions have nothing to do with his choices. i'm sorry that your husband is not supportive---maybe you could get him to go with you to al-anon and he will realize what this is really about. my mom and dad had to do things like change the locks and even have me committed to a psychiatric hospital during my using days. was i hurt, mad? absolutely. but today i know they did these things because they loved me enough to do them. as far as indicators of heroin or other opiate abuse, sedation, nausea at onset, itching, pupil dilation and loss of consciousness are typical. heroin can be injected, snorted or smoked. i'm not a big fan of drug tests (because of inaccuracies) but a consumer grade urine test given under controlled circumstances (unannounced and observed) can be a useful compliance tool. i'm going to send a couple of links via private message that may help. gm
This whole thing has nothing whatsoever to do with you being a "soft" mom. Get that correct right now. I have been accused of being a hard as$ a few times myself - make sure that hubby knows this isnt that time to get masculine and stuff. I am a Nam vet and a skin diver/sky diver and a few other endeavors that many find quite stupid. But I did learn the difference between hard core and hard head. And I never pass up a chance to tell one of my sons that I love them. I saw too many die without either being able to say that to their loved ones or hear that from them. When was the last time that your husband told Matt that he loves him? When was the last time that Matt felt comfortable telling Dad that he loved him? If you can get these things straightened out you will have a much better chance of winning this battle. 20 yr old young men dont cry to mom and ask for help for no reason at all. And from your posts it sounds like he could use some good help. Get to Al Anon and get him to NA at least. And dont wait long to try and do it. You do have a fight ahead of you = but make it with the drug culture and not your son. Has your husband been interested enough to read your post or any of the other posts on medhelp? You have to start somewhere. Remind hubby that he is the alpha male - and his son needs his father. And again - best of luck - I also have a soft spot for young men with broken hearts. Dont write him off.
My son tells us all the time he loves us. My son even still hugs my husband. He's very loving. But my husband feels thats all bs. my husband recently almost ended this family with online stuff he was into and my son begged me not to give up on him. This from the son that is treated like **** by his father. My husband doesn't want me talking to anyone at all about any of this. He does not want advice he's too busy blaming Matt for everything in life. I can't even cry in front of him cause he will get more mad at Matt for being the reason. And if he knew I was on here he would say im ruining this marriage. I can't talk to him, family, friends not anyone and no crying or feeling sad. He says I need to wash my hands of matt. He says he doesn't care if he ever sees him again. I just found out my son did lose his job. they just called and he never showed up. it took him 5 months to find this job now he's out of a job again. that won't help things. my son has been hanging with the wrong crowd for a long time even though we always told him not to. he had done lots of different drugs. he has stolen from us. never anything huge but still. we did pay for his college only for him to drop out in two weeks i did pay off all of his fines a month ago so he wouldn't go to jail and now he's in trouble again. The only reason i bailed him out was because he had gotten so deep into fines that he was never going to get them paid and he had another warrant for his arrest. The whole court thing is from lack of showing up in court when he got a ticket for making a left turn against the traffic. We let the state take his car we never paid his fines but from his lack of doing what he was told by the judge it just kept getting worse and worse. So finally I said enough he's going to end up in prison over his stupidity. yes he has not been an easy kid at all. at times he has a mouth you would not believe and he does things that he knows will get him in trouble he just does not listen. but none of it is enough to make me wash my hands of him. i don't trust myself i never know if im right or wrong anymore. the whole thing is just too much. and im a very strong person and happy but this one is killing me. thanks for your time
Hello. I just wanted to say that as a Mother of three sons, I can honestly say that I feel for you. My youngest is 20 yrs old, then 23, and the oldest just turned 37, whew!! All with the same husband, married all these years! My husband is a good, hard-working man, but he is also alot like yours in the "tough love" thing. I, on the other hand have been the Balancer in the family. My boys know this too, and they are glad their dad was the way he is and also they are glad that I was there to help balance things out. I do honestly think that your son will not be well until he sees that there is nothing left, I say this because I am currently abstaining from opiate addiction to prescription lortabs. The only way I could quit was to see myself for what I am, an addict, prescription or not, I needed more and more to controll my "pain" . I am currently dealing with learning to live another life that is free from opiates. Your son CAN do this, he just is feeling so dependent and hopeless about how to go about doing anything, he doesn;t see anything but the need for the fix. I hope he will seek help, somewhere. I hope you can find peace in your heart with everything soon!! This has to be his decision, no one can make it for him. He's gotta want to be and stay clean.
My thoughts are with you.
Ella, opiate free since Feb. 16, 2009
First of all thanks for the kind words. I'm kinda losing my mind here feeling like im close to losing my son. Than i think about what his brothers are seeing and i know they have had enough. but i feel like im sacrificing one for the others. ive been with my husband since i was 14 hes the love of my life and last year broke my heart big time. i lost my parents when i was 25 and 26 and compared to this those things were nothing. i know i wasn't at fault for any of those things. how do you not feel like it's your fault when its your kid? you raised him! while he was on our insurance i should have got him into rehab. its not like we didn't see he had a problem with addiction. hes had horrible things happen to him because he was too messed up to do anything about it. i should have done something more than talk to him. when he told me he didnt need help i always said ok ill let you do it your way. What the heck that was not being a parent! he even tried to kill himself at 14 and yes we went and talked to people for a while but when he would say this isnt' helping i would say ok than we don't have to go back. hes the first of our four boys and i feel so horrible about being such great parents to my other boys but matt got short changed cause we were young and stupid.thats not fair! and my son is always telling me mom you guys are great with my brothers but boy u guys really messed me up. we were only 18 when he was born and had no clue what to do. we have never had family we have always been on our own. we were so busy working and building our lives that he got short changed. at 18 i didn't have the understanding that i have had with the other three. and never anyone to ask. my husband believes he always had a house food everything he needed and that should have been enough. sorry venting causes i don't know what else to do anymore. thanks for the ear and the thoughts! dawn
Good morning matthew1989..
I'm very sorry to read of your pain and frustration.. I'm also very sorry to read of your sons desperation when asking you to move.. I also understand that we just can not pack up a family and move like that.. I was wondering if you have any relatives that live out of state or even out of town.. as a former junkie myself I recognize the plea to move as with most of us.. we had to move from the town we were using in.. as junkies the only peps we know are other junkies and dealers as most had given up on us that were in any position to help.. I understand your heartbreak at having to remove your son from your property as it is important to protect the younger ones and keep some kind of harmony in the family.. You are really between a rock and a hard place.. please do not be sorry for venting here.. this is what we all do.. is help anyone effected by addiction.. addiction is not a character flaw nor is it a weakness.. it is a disease not caused by your actions our your husbands.. although it would help your husband tremendously if he eased up and realized as with any other disease it has symptoms.. unfortunately the symptoms are what you describe.. You son is redeemable and I bet he is wonderful young man.. loving and cares for his family.. these you instilled in him and are still there.. You are not killing you son.. you are trying to give him a chance to hit bottom so he can find his desire.. Support is very important and being in a home when dad is so hurt and angry himself is not conducive to support and getting clean.. I know alanon has been suggested to you but I would also suggest family counseling as you have other kids who are also going to grow up and make decisions.. as for matt.. all you can do really.. is tell him you love him.. you miss him.. and when he is ready to get serious about getting clean.. you will be there for him.. we really do have to fall to the bottom to pick ourselves up.. living the life of a junkie is very taxing on our emotions health and energy.. we all reach a point where we know we can not go on..I just hope he finds his soon.. warmly lesa
The emotional turmoil you are in is absolutely breaking my heart. I'm a recovering heroin addict and I can tell you that my story and your/son's story are identical. I was your son at one point in time and to a maximum degree. I'd like to comment just on you for one second tho. Please find an Al-Anon meeting and find one soon. Addiction is a family disease it affects more than just the abuser. Since you are in a position where you can't really discuss this with anyone, those meetings would help you as well. You'll learn a bit more about addiction by being around people who have gone thru or are going thru what you are going thru. Now as far as your son... it's pretty safe to assume he's using something. It is not your fault that he is an addict. Many factors play into what end up driving an addiction, but it is still nobody's fault. And as far as people saying it doesn't matter what you say/do until he's ready... I believe that's only partially true. Yes your son needs to want a change but sometimes situations come about where we as the addict, say hey - yea that person is right, and decide we actually do want a change for ourselves. Everyone is different and everyone gets this their own way - no way is right or wrong. All I can tell you is my own personal experience and after years of my mother helping me fight my battles, helping lessen the extent of trouble I got into, and generally playing the addiction game with me... the day she stopped and said no I won't play, is when I stopped using heroin. (it was actually everyone I loved that told me no) It will be 2 years this Friday which is a real miracle, you can trust and believe that!! Now I'm not saying that will work for your son cuz everyone has to hit their own point of revelation like Lesa said - but like I said above sometimes it does matter what the people closest to us say and do. Rome wasn't built in a day - this is a long process no matter what so the best advice I can give you as a woman, mother and person is to help yourself. Get to a meeting, get into counseling, hit the gym, call a friend, whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane. If you lose sight of who you are to drown in your son's addiction, well, that won't help anyone! Keep posting ~ Catt
My son overdosed last night on heroin. He was brought in not breathing. we just got home and my husband will not even look at him. Again i know that's got to kill my son. He tried to win my husband over with im sorry and im still going to move out in 5 days. but nothing from my husband. He won the hearts of everyone in that hospital. the nurses were crying for him. He so nice and sweet wishing everyone a happy easter. but not even a look from his own dad. sad!
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through! I have sent you a PM.
Oh boy... I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. Are you okay? The lack of communication with his father certainly does have an impact but you can't control other people's reactions. Is there any way to make a suggestion to your husband about possibly learning about addiction? Sometimes when something is hard to understand, it's easier to be frustrated and p'd off... So maybe introducing your husband to this forum maybe, or just info in general. Try the NA website maybe - other online sources. I can honestly tell you that I don't think your son is a bad kid, as a matter of fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that he is very much like those of us with a history of opiate abuse. We all have a tendency to have alot more in common than most people realize. Do you think your son would be willing to talk to any of us here from the site? If he's willing to talk to other heroin addicts I'm certainly here... Please bring it up ok? Also please try to drop some information on your husband about addiction. He needs to realize this is your son's life we're talking about, not just a "bad habit" that needs to be broken... Perhaps a little understanding of the disease will change his perception of the issue? Let me know if you need anything ok? I honestly mean that - check your inbox here when you get a chance. Hang in there.
I agree with catt.. if you could get your son on with us.. it may help. as addicts have traveled his path and may be able to reach him.. I'm very very sorry for the pain and fear you must be feeling.. the situation with your husband must be heartbreaking also.. if your son could just sit down and read the post and responses on the forum it may as it did me.. give him the support he needs to get clean.. Please take catts advice for yourself.. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers...
I too am a mother of an addict. He is about your son's age. We have gone through alot in the past 4 years. I am divorced from his father and we have not included him into the problem.
My best advice is not to give up! I think he has a better chance of recovery in a place that he feels safe and not the streets. If you have somewhere you can send him-relative, etc that is a good "solution" but the relative needs to know all the details before agreeing to your son moving in with them. And consider which is more important your sister thinking your son is bad or getting your son well?
Pot will not make him throw up from withdrawals! He may be crabby at best. He is coming down off of something. I am not familiar with heroin just pain killers and have seen my son very sick from withdrawals.
From one mother to another I know your pain. You are not alone. You have done nothing wrong. It was his decision to take whatever. It can be your decision to help him get better but you need boundaries if he stays at home because of the other kids. He needs to know that. He needs to know what you are willing to do and not do. I wish that I had taken a stronger stand earlier and maybe we wouldn't have taken so long to get to where we are now.
Always keep the lines of communication open with your son. If you can't talk with your husband please talk to someone. I learned many years ago that everyone has problems. No one has a perfect family. Just fine someone that you can talk to and preferably someone that knows the problems. Consider Al-Anon. That can help you with your decisions. You have to stay strong to help your son.
I wish I knew the "magic formula" to make everything better to help you but I am in the same boat. Remember there are always others that are in the same boat. You are not alone!
theeagle gave a great answer. My heart goes out to you. My son is 21 and in the Navy, lost his dad at 9 but by the grace of God stayed away from drugs as far as I know and I believe I am right. I wish I had his head at his age, I was a mess with so much potential.
I went into a hardcore long term drug facility that saved my life. There's no ***** footing around this stuff but I would say to see if they even have those facilities like they did in the 70's and before. These easy rehabs imo are a joke but the boy needs support too.
To the other mom who posted, my heart goes out to you. I can cry for you. I can't imagine how hard it is for you women and your husband's need to hug them back but also set them straight. God knows them and I will pray right now for their recovery and your peace. God bless you.
would be nice to hear from matt .................................
If your son is using Heroin then he is a Heroin addict. Qualifying the level is not really help full except in determining the help he needs. I suggest not kicking him off your property until you have actually done an Intervention with someone trained/ AND highly skilled in doing them.
It is maybe you will have stay away but do not do that until he is really offered the help he needs, and he turns down the help he needs during a planned intetervention, a plan for him. Turning him away is a last resort not a first resort. I realize you already did it, but go get advice on presenting a planned intervention.
there is no way my husband will let him stay here any longer. yesterday my 8 yr old found a pipe with pot in it. he asked my husband if it was a crack pipe. we have dealt with this stuff for a long time. and afterhis overdose the other night i really hoped he would see the light but hewent right back to hangin with the same drug addicts. Ive begged him to go to meetings withme and he swears he has no problem. I even asked him to just get on here with me to read what some other people have gone through and he says no way. we tried telling him if he is to live here you have to NOT hang with the drug addicts anymore. but the minute we turn around thats where he's at. When your old enough to not listen to your parents what so ever and to tell us how stupid we are and that we need to shut up and mind our own business well than its' time for him to live on his own. If it were up to me I would give him a little longer being that he just started his job and hasn't even gotten a pay check in but my husband won't go for that. Years ago when we found out he was doing drugs we should have gotten him more help. Yes we did go to meetings than and stuff but the minute he would say he didn't need it anymore because he would never do any of it again. I would believe him all the time. Huge mistake!!!! bad bad parenting on my part and believe me i will die with that being one of my biggest regrets. but i can't change the past. in 6 months when my son ends up dead of another overdose i will than more than likely see that making him move out was a huge mistake. you have your drug addicts out there and you have your good hearted people out there like me that seems to mean well but screws up all the time. Im in this position i have been with my husband since the age of 14 i love him dearly we have 4 boys together he's a very hard worker and its taken very hard times and work to get to where we are today. We provide a great home for my kids lots of family time lots of hugs and kisses lots of support in things they do. I stay home with my boys. So i could move out and not be able to afford to feed them and try to save my 19 yr old. which last year i did move out to a great place in the moutains where my son could have gotten away from all of his friends. He wouldn't even come with me. Well he said he would visit if he could bring his addict friend which I said NO. so it seems i will either lose my 19 or lose my whole family. I hate that it sounds like im choosing one over the other but i don't really know what the heck to do. If i leave my husband my other kids will not take it well at all. i just don't know if me leaving my husband will save my son. if i knew for sure he would move with me and start a new life i would do it in a heartbeat. but I just don't think he would. I think he wants me to move out of here but get a place close by so he could live wiith me but he would not stop hangin with the same people i have no doubt about that. so really thats not fair to my other kids are my husband. u cant' keep giving when all the other person does is take. when I had some control and could have made him go to rehab i choose to believe and listen to my son. stupid stupid stupid but i had never dealt with drugs and really thought my son would not ever be in this situation. i have no control any longer. i ask him everyday to get help and tell him how much i love him. i tell him about the stories ive heard on here. im not the only person parenting my other boys so i have to respect my husbands wishes. the whole thing makes me sick. thanks for any advice because every word helps, Dawn
D- none of this has happened due to bad parenting!!!!!!!!!! Stop beating yourself up!! You do what you can for people, including your children, but you can't control them no matter what. Addiction is a disease that is hard to understand, and hard to recognize for people when first dealing with it. It was NOT bad parenting. You hope and pray for the best for your kids but at the end of the day - it's not up to you what decisions they make, it's up to them.
Think about what I said to you - make a plan of attack. Although you're in a tough spot between Matt and your husband, that's not an excuse to flounder on this. You can do this, you will get thru this. Now go get a manicure.... lol :)
No, we don't have anyone that matt could go and stay with. i wish we did. its always been just us. it really ***** having no family. well i have a sister in la but she is an *** that believes i need to wash my hands of my son. and i have a brother in tenn. didnt grow up with him. great guy even sent matt a ticket once to go and visit but i think that was more about showing my son all that he has. hes a great guy just a little swollen headed rich guy. which hey he worked hard his whole life so hey he deserves it. two of my other brothers killed themselves over drug use. and my well off brother had to deal with all of it alone. so i think he's had his feel of dealing with what drugs do. he's already taking care of one of my brothers son that was left behind when my brother killed himself. bought him a car paying for his college giving him a monthly allowence. i don't think my son really would leave anyways. he always says he would never leave his girlfriend of 4 yrs. When my son asked us to move i think it was more so that he wanted to know if we loved him enough to move. i don't actually think he would move. when i got to the hospital the other night his first words were wow you do love me. he feels unloved because he feels like such a bad person. I tell him all the time that he is my world. and i couldn't live without him. we fight like cats and dogs always have but when we are done we hug and kiss and tell each other how much we love each other. We have a weird relationship kinda because we kinda grew up together. we were only 18 when we had him. we had no family no friends moved far away form my parents. so he was all i ever had. when my husband and i would fight i would talk to matt. would never do that today but being young and stupid i had no idea that was so bad. ive always talked to matt about everything and him with me. my husband blames me for whats happening with matt now because his whole life when he would come to me i would just listen and talk instead of getting mad and punishing. at 14 when i found out my son was having sex i went and bought him condoms and said that i wished he had waited. I went to the girls parents and talked to them. but that was about it. i guess i just never did the right thing with him. i can't telll you how many tmes we would talk about drugs and how they would ruin his life. and he was the perfect little boy that would tell me "mom i would never be that stupid". so now with the other kids dang i have no clue do i talk to them or do i not say a word? growing up my parents talked to me about nothing i knew nothing of drugs. and i just grew up scared to death of drugs. how do i get that??? Last night my 11 yr old was talking to my 8 yr old about what he found. i told them it was something used to smoke tobacco in. well they came back with but you could smoke meth or crack in it too. I was shocked! Heck I don't know. I have no idea how you do that stuff or what it even looks like. I asked my son how in the world would u know that. he said tv. ok sorry i think im rambling. my husband went back to work today. he's been home for like 6 days. so yeah today is the first day i can talk without him coming in and telling me i will cause a devorce. Sorry, take care, Dawn
Hey Dawn I'm with you.. I will be typing back I'm slow :) I just want you to know.. You are not alone.. more to follow..