Just joined

[girly44]

I really don't have a question. I just wanted to put something out. My sister told me about this site, last night as I confessed to her, I have been addicted to pain killers off and on for the past 5 years. But, the last 6 months it got really bad. I was taking anywhere from probably 10 to 20 a day. Last week I actually felt suicidal and could care less if I lived or died. I have 3 kids and that really scared me. I confessed to my husband about my addiction last week and gave him all my pills, so I could taper off. I knew as long as I had them, there was no way I could have done it. When I start popping, there is no stopping. I went to my first AA meeting last night and it was really hard. I have never thought as myself as an addict. Alcoholism runs in my family, so I never wanted to drink alot, nor did I ever really like the taste. But, when I married an addict, I figured I couldn't make him stop, so I would join him. I smoked pot several times a day for the first 5 years, then I started my pill addiction. I really just want to go back 10 years ago, and wished I never started. I don't even think I am the same person. The old me stayed so far from people who even did drugs, just for the fact I knew that if I hung out with people like that, most likely I would do that kind of thing. I have never felt so ashamed of myself. I just want to be a normal person again. A normal wife and mother. But, this addiction almost has the better part of my brain. I think about popping all day long and can't stop. I can't even have a conversation with someone, because my mind is always on the pills. It makes me feel like superwoman. I am overweight, and when I take the pills, I no longer feel overweight. I feel I can run a marathon and that is all I have ever wanted is to be able to keep up with my kids, and they help me be able to do that. I don't even know what to do. In a way I want to stop and then in a way I don't. Should I consider going to rehab? I know I will never be right until I get off of these, but I just don't know how to stop..............

[girly44]

thank you, maria. good for you, on being clean. u will be in my thoughts as well

[merrymaria]

HI AND I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR.  ITS A TERRIBLE ADDICTION THAT HAS TAKEN MANY OF US DOWN.  I WOULD THINK OF PILLS ALL DAY LONG AND KEEP COUNTING THEM LIKE SOME KIND OF IDIOT.  I TRIED TO QUIT IN MARCH BUT FAILED.  I TOOK MY LAST DOSE OF JULY 4TH AND HAVE BEEN CLEAN.  WDS ARE BAD BUT NOT AS BAD AS BEING NUMB.  THE WORST FOR ME WERE THE TEARS AND THE NO SLEEPING, BUT IT GETS BETTER EVERYDAY.  HANG IN THERE AND READ THIS FORUM.  SO MANY GOOD PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU.   YOU RE IN MY PRAYERS   MARIA

[girly44]

thank u neverb4 and korley. i am hanging in there. my legs and hands are starting to shake pretty bad right now, but i am trying not to focus on that. i am at work, i am the property manager and i have so many things to do today, that i didn't get done yesterday, so i am really trying to focus on that. it is hard signing papers and my hands are shaking so badly, but i am doing the best i can at this moment. one moment at a time. not staying focused on the future really helps neverb4. i have a alanon program, for about 7 months, so i am trying to take things from that and remember to stay in the moment and not stress about anything else. good luck to u too never, may God be with us the whole day through. girly

[Korley]

It is a new day, remember just one day at a time! Remember to look at the thomas recipe!

[neverb4addicted]

Yes the taper does work if you have someone to hold on to them that will argure if you ask for them...my husband is doing the same..three kids the same to keep me busy.. The first day of my taper going from 200mg to 50mg was huge for me..it sucked as the day went on but when I woke up this morning saying oh my god I did it... made me feel really goood..I am going to try to taper even less today..same as you did I took something when I first got up..my taper says 20mg and I only took 10mg..half..so far I am not looking to take anymore yet..Hang in there..this gets easier they all say..so wait patiently for the easier like I am lol..you will be so pleased with yourslef when you are finished and dont need any..I am counting the days myself to be able to say so many days without Oxy..I know that day is coming..I am bent on making it happen..

[girly44]

Well, today is a new day. It is 9:30 and I have only taken a half. I have been very busy this morning. And I am actually surprised, I haven't even really thought about taking any, until now. I had to take the half as soon as I got up, because of dizziness and horrible stomach pains. But, I would usually take a whole one. So today I tried just a half and so far it is working. Please keep me in your prayers for the next few days. As these tapering sometimes still gets the best of me by the afternoon and I want to pop a bunch. I only have 2 at work and my husband is in charge of giving them to me. So I do feel confident with this arraingment. Thanks all for your support. Girly

[D30]

I am with you good luck and God bless.

[mr.lucky66]

I hope you can make the big change. Tapering and kicking going on sub or whatever is only a start. The real work is what do you do when you see someone's pain pills and you know you want them even if it's a dying family member. How to stop that monster is the change that is so hard. I don't crave much but still have a problem with this and have been clean for a while. Stealing meds sux and is lowdown and I live with these consequences and guilt because she died shortly after. Slowly, I'm getting past this 4 years later. I also had my gall bladder out but it needed to be out as it was killing me. No complications and stopped the meds (dope) after a week

[Korley]

Keep praying and it will go away, just remember it is only a craving and it will pass. YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS!

[girly44]

thank you all for your support. it is 4 o clock and i have already taken my ration for the day, and i am getting every cranky, knowing i can't take anymore, and my body is craving it. i am just praying this feeling goes away soon..........

[j33]

hey everyone, i am back. i've been on the pill taking mission.(you know, the one where you say nevermind, i really don't wanna be clean, let's keep going?) i don't know where to start. is it pathetic that i need someone to hold onto my pills and dole them out daily? i can't see another way. i am too scraed of c/t  any advice? i feel for you girly.i am hoping the first step is actually coming to this website.

[joann1975]

girly....glad you have found this site...you will get lots of help here!

have you read the health pages? their is so much info in there ... they are on the right side of the screen!

pm me if you ever want to talk ok?

[neverb4addicted]

I am in the same boat with wanttobeclean..and have been chatting back and forth..you do have to want it..you have to want your life back..its amazing once you realize how much we acually were taking..sorry I did put the wrong name in my first post..wasnt thinking very clearly either at the time and was alittle outta sorts I would say going through the w/d's..even tapering you get those..The people on this site are amazing and I dont know what I would of done without their help and advice..yes I do I would be still taking massive pills at a time...but I am not..thanks goodness..The hold that oxy can have you is unbelievable thats for sure..Now I am working on taking the control back .. This is the first time trying to get off the pills for me other than once when mine were stolen so I had withdrawls then but was quickin getting replacement pills..now this time its by my choice, my will power and my control..been along time since I have felt like I had control of anything..its a good feeling even with the w/d's combined..I know eventually they will go away and control will be all mine again...cant wait....

[wanttobeclean]

Hey there.  I agree wholeheartedly with prior posters.  You gotta be ready.  And if you are scared you are ready but just can't do it, maybe it is time to consider rehab.  I was on a ton of oxycodone for the last 2-3 months of my use....sometimes taking up to 5-8 30mg pills in one day.  I tapered a bit...cut out one pill a day and then stopped.  I initially kept around some "in case" the withdrawls got too bad", but decided to just flush them because I would just put off things.  But that's me.  So my last dose was 9 days ago.  Whatever your plan is, this site will help you through it.  I stumbled on it on day 2 of my withdrawls and the people here have been so kind and supportive.  If you're ready, you will get help here!  Hugs to you, girly!

[girly44]

Thank you, melissa. I needed to hear that. I know this is going to be a will power and completely committ, on my part. I hope this site can give me the inspiration I need.

[mimi1313]

Hi girly (I love that name)

Like desperate said, you have to really want this. You need to really make sure you do becasue you are more likely to relapse if you aren't 100% committed.

When you decide, post what you want to do, ask a lot of questions and do a lot of reading. It really helps. They're are ways to do this to make it easier.

Good luck,

Melissa

[girly44]

yes, i admitted that is pretty sick in addiction, especially for a person, who thought and acted oh holier than thou. I was so much in denial, even to myself. But I think when you get to the point you feel your life slipping away, you know you have to do something. I have prayed for kidney stones and had surgeries I didn't need, so I could be doped up. I am now walking around without a gall bladder and I stayed in the hosiptal for 5 days, just with a removal of that, so I could stay on the good meds.

[NautyOne]

Praying for Kidney Stones?.....Wow.....that is addiction.  I am not putting you down.  I admire your honesty.  Thank you.

Luv,
Nauty..........

[mr.lucky66]

I CAN RELATE TO YOU GIRLY AND HAVE ALSO STOLEN PILLS FROM MY MOTHER AND IT CAUSED BIG  PROBLEMS AND TERMONDOUS GUILT. THERE'S NO SUGAR COATING IT AS IT'S SLEEZY. IF I TRY TO EXCUSE THIS BEHAVIOR IT WON'T HELP ME CHANGE. BY STARTING TO REALIZE THAT ADDICTION IS SO SELFISH, IT HELPED ME BUT WAS PAINFULL, I ALSO PRAYED FOR KIDNEY STONES AND SINCE I HAD THEM BEFORE, I WENT TO THE ER AND FAKED THEM. THIS IS ALSO DISHONEST AND SLEEZY AND WAS TAKING RESOURSES FROM THE ER. I THINK REHAP IS MORE HELPFULL THAN AA OR SLOW TAPERS BUT AA HELPS ME STILL. ALL THE BEST

[girly44]

i think u put desperate in, but that was my post girl44. i just got through reading ur post from yesterday, and boy can i feel ur pain. i love the percs too. my mother just got through with knee surgery and i actually went over there and stole her pills. she then thought it was my step father who took them and they got into a huge fight. i feel horrible. i have a prescription of my owe for hydr, but i love taking percs. that is my pill of choice and i can only get those when passing a kidney stone. boy do i pray for kidney stones. thanks for ur comments. i have a feeling we will be really good chat buddies. seeing we r starting the tapering together.

[neverb4addicted]

Desperate..reading your story was like reading my own..same boat..pills pills pills..oxy acutally..five years of it..on day two of tapering down...was up to over 100mg a day..20mg Oxy IR's and perks...and it ***** and is hard ...there are some awesome people on here that can advise you..I cant be of much help as they are helping me at the moment while I shake it rough too but hang in there..I am same as you looking for my life back so my kids have their mom back..a normal mom with a life that does not revolve around pills..take care..willing to chat anytime your up to it..

[girly44]

Thank you for your comment. This is a very trying and difficult time for me. I spend hours thinking of pills or crying, because I want to go off the pills. I feel like a total wreck.

[desperate1111]

girly you have to want this. make a plan and stick to it. check out the helath pages here. the vitamins and aminos help so much. i let the stupid pills take so much of my life away. lots of support here. welcome and please stick around.