Just scared.

[dixeechk]

Chronic pain. Almost 14 years clean from meth....2004 bad accident. Surgeries, injections, pain meds...still hurting, but functioning until a few months ago....the doctor upped my dosage to 10/325, they made me sick, and were too strong so I told my doctor at the next visit....he lowered me back to 7.5/325. Something changed. It's like the monster has risen...I told doctor at last visit, that the 7.5 didn't work now....I ran out early. He saw me, but since I had broken my finger, he just let it slide.....but I'm scared. I know addict behavior. I worked hard to stay clean, then after the accident in 04 I just thought, hey I don't even like downers, and my doctor knows my history with addiction, so I'm safe. How stupid am I?
This little voice inside me started saying, be careful....I guess I thought since I was in so much pain, that as long as I took as prescribed....and my doctor knew, that I was okay. But I'm afraid. I don't think I'm okay, and I can't tell anyone. I feel so super scared. I ran across this site after searching for answers.....now I'm not even sure what to ask.

[ouchie1987]

I went completely cold turkey. I couldn't wean or taper, I'd end up exactly where I began, I too live with chronic pain but I've found the last week my body can handle no pills!! It's the pain receptives that block all pain, but when you stop they become "over receptive" hence why u think u need more.
I hope ur doing well, n it's all under control. It sounds like you've barely started the wd symptoms

[dixeechk]

Did you have to take pills for chronic pain? If so what do u do for the pain?

[dixeechk]

So did you just stop? I'm not there yet. I just don't want to be taking this crap other than as directed or less! I took someone's advice and waited as long as I could....I was amazed that I didn't even hurt bad enough until 8:30, and even then I only took half of a pill....waited to see if I needed another one, and low and behold I was fine until like 4, so I took the other half.....now I'm still sore...but it's raining so I'm always sore when it rains....but honestly I think I was hurting more....or thought I was when I was taking 5 a day. That's crazy. I don't pretend to think I have this under control, but I'm also living with chronic pain....now I just need to figure out what's the smallest amount I can take, be honest with my doc about what I was doing and see if I can continue to wean off....luckily other than being a little anxious, I didn't have any of the wd ppl talk about getting when they go over a few hours without. I went from 4-5 a day for the past few months to just one pill today....so far so good....now I just have to deal with the monster in my head that is telling me, hey you are allowed 3..... You could take 2 more.....now that's just stupid....scary, but I'm not in horrible pain....I actually think I hurt less today than I have in weeks....let you know more later....

[dixeechk]

Oh my God that is so my life for the past two months! Counting....more counting. Living on the sofa...I live alone so no one can notice, but I know, and in want more. So, last night after falling asleep so sick to my stomach from taking obviously too many, I told myself I would actually see how I felt this morning....you know, since if went to bed at 10:30, and I get up at 6:00, to truly ask myself how bad am I really hurting. Well it's 6:24 and I haven't taken anything, and I don't think I'm hurting...which is a little odd, because if you had asked me, I would have said I take my first dose because I'm in so much pain.....now the mind f@&k. I have to get off the sofa, get ready.....no promises...I'm only putting 2 in my purse, with the fear what if I get sick at work.....why am I so afraid? Jesus, here goes....please no judging, trust me I'm judging myself enough for everyone....rain is coming and that usually is hell for me....pray pray pray.....

[ouchie1987]

I too used to count my next Dr. Appt and count how many pills were left to stretch it out. It's absolute torture u deserve better for yourself!! I'm only 6 days in but jus the whole "non counting pills, gotta get more" weight is lifted off my shoulders. I know you can do it, u deserve a great life, not one spent on a couch

[Whollymolythathurt]

Dixeechk welcome. Like you I just found this site and it has been very helpful.  I had 18+ surgeries from 1990-2001 from football and baseball & never had an issue. I get a recurring back issue at 42 and I get hooked on these damn things.  What an idiot I am!   I had back surgeries and 3 knee reconstructions never once did I say "yum, these are nice".  Sigh.  So like you I'm fighting the good fight. Day 5...feels like 50 though.
I would mention to your dr...I just told mine no more.
Keep checking in on the site...great info.

[dixeechk]

Hey thanks....I think I feel a little better just saying something out loud...even if only by writing. The thing is, I have someone, a good friend....best friend who has been clean and sober for 25 yrs....we are like sisters.....but I am too ashamed to tell her I may have a problem.....I know this is the cross road.....I know I can get off wherever I want, so what am I afraid of? Should I tell my doctor I am worried and see if he can help me?

[dixeechk]

Thanks for responding. I know I can't go from taking 5+ a day of hydro 10/325 to zero. Heck I've taken these every day pretty much since 2004. I see my doctor on the 15th. I'm not due a refill until the 20th. I have 42 pills left. I don't want to go thru the hell I've read about....I am single and have to work, I also am afraid of the pain I will be in if I'm doomed to live with it....I can't even get out of bed or walk for an hour after I take my meds. I'm so pissed at myself.  But I also don't want to keep spending friday -Sunday on the couch taking meds....I'm such a fraud. I will make myself get up to go to work, pretend life is good, then pray for the day to be over so I can take more pills and just sit? Who lives like this? I need to figure out how not to run out, then maybe just tell my doctor I'm in trouble....he's very nice, but I'm very scared he may just say too bad, now u get to live in pain.

[Kbusymom]

Glad you are here and welcome.  We are all in this together.
I've been off heroin for 15 years, thought I was ok, and started taking pain pills about 4 years ago.  The last year the pills took hold strong.  This disease is cunning, baffling, and most of all patient.  It waited for me to let my guard down and came back full force.
I'm on day 14 and still struggling, but there's no turning back.  I've cut my sources; or more specifically, my dr. cut me off.  I want and deserve a life that does not revolve around chasing pills every waking moment.  
Keep posting and sharing, this site is amazing- filled with great supportive people.  We are with you.

[ouchie1987]

Hi and welcome!! I'm glad you are on here. We ate here to help!! I'm only 5 days clean and feeling the wd but ppl on here are amazing with support and advice. I have kidney problems and I thought I would need to be on pain pills my whole life, but it's crazy the pain is manageable right now n the same as if I was actually pills. I swear the pills make u more receptive to pain n u think u need em more than you do. I've been taking ibuprofen for pain.
I believe in you. You got this, day can and WILL be day 1 of no pills. No more after reading this k??? Get ur vitamins, minerals and start counting your clean hrs and days!!