Karma

[Bubulous]

I have been thinking a lot of how I was going to say this and I have put it off for so long that I didn't think I would.  However today I got tired of hiding from my friends on here and I got tired of the negative karma that I was carrying around with me.  I have taken a few pills over the last month.  I did really well when I first got out of treatment but slowly started losing my grasp on sanity.  As I said in my earlier post I have gotten the answers to a lot of questions wrong.  The first question was whether I should get in a relationship or not.  The right answer would have been "no."  My answer was "why not?"
The next question was whether I should come off of my bipolar meds or not.  The correct answer was "no."  My answer was "I think it would help."
These answers caused me to cycle in and out of mania and depression and before I knew it I was cutting a lot.  I went from cutting to taking a couple of pills.  I don't feel like I hae lost control of it because I did not take may and I never took more than 2 in one day and I didn't take them long enough at any time to cause any w/ds.  I don't know how many times I did this over the last month but it was enough that I started to feel like my old addict self.  I can't tell you what tomorrow will be like but I can tell you I didn't cope with them today and I am fighting as hard as a person can to shut the door on yesterday.  This cycle is not knew but I am not the same person that I was in 2011.  I am better equipped to get back on track and let go of regret than I was then.
I appreciate those who have checked on me and I missed everyone.  I don't act like I need help much and I don't like asking for it but I will ask for two things from my friends on here:
1 Pray for me.  I can't do it on my own.
2 If you see me not on here for more than 2 days in a roll without letting you know where I am.... I am likely isolating and am not in a good place.  I come on here to help others and I come on here to help myself.  This is my main support and where I feel like I belong so if you don't see me around drop me a message- I would really appreciate it.

All that being said, I am doing really well.  I have a lot of people in my life that love me and I have told them about what I did.  Not one of them turned their back on me or judged me and for that I am truly grateful.  I am looking to get my social security soon and will be out of the military later this year.  Through everything I still continued writing and reading.  I have started 4 books and have finished multiple poems.  The only days that I didn't have any energy or motivation were actually the days I used.  

Anyway, missed Medhelp and my friends.  Got a few things to get caught up on tonight but I will be on in the morning and let everyone know how I am doing.

My firend just told me my leprechaun name is Stumpy Mcsmelly lol

[YesLife4Me]

Good to see you on here again.  Missed your thoughtful input.  Its not the fact that you relapsed, but that you reached out for help before it took control of your life again.  You recognized it and are taking steps to get back on track.  Im proud of you for that.  It is never easy to admit we need help or that we f'd up.  Hope to see you around more and wish you all the best.  

Btw...how do you find out your Irish name?  :)

[Overwhelmed10]

I will be praying for you, and I agree with what Sara said.  Very brave of you to come on here and admit you slipped.  I did it too!  Its not an easy road, its full of bumps.  I love that we can come here and be truthful and not get judged and be welcomed back with open arms by the wonderful people here.  Acknowledging and getting reorganized as you said, sounds like you are on your way in the right direction.  Again you are in my thoughts and prayers!!  :)

[Bubulous]

Thanks toothfarie,
I do feel I am back on track now.  The next few days are going to be the hardest because I have let a lot of things that I care about go over the las month and it is going to take some time to get them back in order.  I stopped writing in my journal every morning because I had nothing positive to write about the day before.  I stopped working out because I just lay around watching Netlix all day with little spurts of inspiration to jot a few lines down for a poem or for my book.  I stopped coming on Medhelp and of all the things I let go that was the worst one.  I can't tell you how happy I was multi-tasking on Medhelp while I listened to music and wrote poetry.  I didn't lose that much time and I didn't fall back hard into the addiction so I guess you could say that I have grown....awww look at Larry, he is getting so big.  I want to be a writer when I grow up lol
Thanks Andie,
I am back on my meds and I actually never stopped the Lamictal, just the Seroquel.  Thank you for your kind words and your prayers.  It is amazing how you can feel like the strongest man in the world some days and as brittle as a twig on others.  The best thing is, like I said above, that the over two hundred thousand dollars that has been spent on my treatment has finally paid off and I have grown.  When I let my guard down in 2011 I relapsed hard.  I lost my grip early in my recovery and I didn't gain it back until I went to treatment last year.  I let my guard down for a little while this time and lost myself but this time I found myself quick and I know what I have to do to pick up where I left off and keep trucking on.  Like I said these first few days will be hard-not because of w/ds or anything-because I have to listen to the voice inside my head that says "workout," or "put that cake down." lol
Thanks Connie,
It is good to be back.  I sooo missed this place especially the addict forum.  This is where I started before I knew that I was bipolar or anything else.  I found it in 2010 and I have always loved it and the people on here.  Sadly it has always been a relapse (or a woman lol) that has pulled away from this site.  I guess the common denominator in both of them is the obsessive thoughts and behaviors and I have learned what those behaviors do to not only my addiction but to my relationships.  These days the main things I fight are the obsessive thoughts and behaviors because they seem to be what starts the addiction back up or ends my relationships.  I have to love myself and stay centered in order to not let women or drugs take me away from the things that I truly love like this site, writing, and spreading positivity.  Anyway, thanks again and don't worry about if you don't catch me slipping every time. lol My memory stinks as well.  I have a system for everything and at 33 I am still having to learn the hard way to write things down or organize things in a way that I can quickly find them before I forget what I was looking for to begin with lol.
Thanks nursegirl,
Like I said over the last month I have kind of isolated from most of the things that were keeping me clean and happy.  I didn't get on here anymore, I wasn't writing as much, I wasn't working out or eating right, and I have been socializing.
Now that I am picking up where I left off I am talking a lot with my friends and family and I am going to start back on my old rountine in the morning that was working foor me before.  Everyone is different and everyone's reccovery looks different but for me it is staying healthy and spiritual as much as possible.  I have to be able to constantly let go of regret, negativity, and anger so that I don't cause too many ripples in my pond.  I have to come on here because I need to be reminded of certain things so that I don't feel like the storm is over.  I don't go to AA but it is because I don't have a vehicle and I don't really care for the one in my home town but I do see a therapist and a psych dr so I have that covered.  I never have to worry about running out of meds or paying for treatment because the military takes care of me.
To be honest the thing that got me last time was my obsessive behaviors that I didn't know I had.  I fell for a girl in treatment and it ended up being the climax of my recovery.  We met at the end of the 90 days I spent there and she actually came to pick me up when I got out.  (I already know that was a bad idea but hey, I am impullsive and a hopeless romantic lol) Anyhoo,  I gave her all of my soul and I trusted her a lot but she wasn't as honest and genuine as me and I took the breakup a lot harder that a person should take a break up of a relationship that only lasted 2 months ;)  The point is...
That is when I found out about my obsessive thoughts and behaviors and as I worked on the grief of the split up and the stress of this military retirement board that I am going through I had little time to focus on the obsessive thoughts and behaviors and ultimately those lead to the cutting and then the relapse.  I appreciate your kind words and your encouragement.  I look forward to seeing your inspiration on here and the depression website.
Thanks Sara,
I may have told you this before but when I posted my first post on here back in Jan 2011 you were the first person to greet me and made me feel welcome. I checked into treatment for the first time on Christmas night in 2010.  I stayed there for a couple of days and when I got out I thought that was it.  I thought I knew what I needed to and I would be free from addiction for the rest of my life.  The truth was I learned very little from treatment because I went in on Christmas night and stayed until the next night....apparently no groups are held on those nights because well...it's Christmas.  I started learning about my addiction and the steps to recovery on this website and that is why I will always come back here to get support when needed and give support when I can.
Thanks Sara,

Larry

[dominosarah]

The important thing is you have gotten honest with yourself and realized what caused the relapse and are willing to do what needs to be done to move forward.  

[nursegirl6572]

Sorry to hear you've relapsed.  I'm sure you know that's pretty much expected for most people, whether once or many times.  It's an unfortunate reality of addiction.  Nothing at all to do with "karma".

So, now you've done some self exploration, pin-pointed some areas where you may have went wrong, or could have done better...so what is the plan from here on out?  I think it's GREAT that you're being so humble and honest, and coming to us for help.  You KNOW your MH pals will never fail you.  HOWEVER, of course you know that isn't enough.  What are you doing in your life to address these issues, the bipolar, the isolating, the cutting?  Have you been going to therapy?  Do you have a support system of friends and family?  You need real, IN PERSON support, both from professionals and from your loved ones.  How about meetings?  Have you gone to any?  Have you cut your sources?

The MOST important thing to do after a relapse is to regoup, and reevaluate where things went wrong, and what is needed to fix those things.  Just like anything in life, this is a constant state of learning and discovery.  What you did before obviously either wasn't enough....or you simply didn't acknowledge the importance of addressing some of the issues that keep you using.

Time to fix that...brush yourself off and start anew.  And, asking for help IS hard for a lot of people to do...well, my dear...get over that!  ;0)  Seriously though...it takes a brave and courageous person to admit things that are hard to admit, and to ask for help when they can't go it alone.  NO shame in that at all.  Quite the contrary actually.

Prayers and support from me coming your way.  Hang in there...keep posting!  You are now a little wiser, and have a little more insight into your addiction.  That in itself will help you so much.

XOXO

[clean_in_ks]

Hey Stumpy McSmelly.......Warty McWoozy here.....hahaha!!!

And a Happy St Pat day to you tomorrow as well me friend~

On a more serious note.....it's REALLY good to see you back, Larry.
I was wondering about you the other day....checked around a bit...saw you in some other forums......and hoped you were hanging in there.

I'm so happy that you are back on track.....poor decisions are how we learn to make good ones, huh?  I'm really glad you are back on your bipolar meds and have people that love and support you (besides us, of course!)

I can promise you to do at least one of the two things you requested, lol
I WILL pray for you for sure.....and I'll attempt to rally you when I don't see you around and posting.....but you gotta know this ole girl has damaged brain cells and I do good to remember what I'm getting out of the refrigerator these days hahaha!

Knowing you are going to be getting on SS later this yr and getting out of the military should give you some new goals to look forward to for sure.
And I'm so glad you have continued with your reading and writing.....a therapeutic outlet to be sure.
Blessings to you~

[Andie015]

Well Stumpy...you're back and that's what matters. It sounds like you've been having a rough time but you have a good support system. Use that to your advantage when you have those down days and don't feel bad about not telling anyone about the pills you took. It was very few and as you said they just made you feel worse. I hope things start looking up for you and you start to feel better. Are you back on your meds?  I too am on bi polar meds and find they help me to stay even minded...I hope you are back on track with that because it will help you greatly. My prayers are with you and I wish you an uplifted mind and spirit. Keep putting those pent up feelings on paper to clear your soul...what a wonderful outlet. And finally....thank you for your service to this country...that alone should make you feel like a success because you are. Good luck and let us know how you're doing!

[toothfairie]

glad you posted!  so sorry you went thru all that.....but it sounds like you are back on track now....and we will be pulling for you and praying for you!  stay strong....we are here for you Stumpy....haha  :)