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Cocaine questions concerning parenting and vanity...
Hello,
I am 25, mom to a 6 year old daughter, a full-time student and also work full-time. With a busy schedule (my daughter is as busy as me with sports and school) I have to stay on top of things, and normally love doing so.
However, I have been dealing with a messy divorce for the past few months, and depression is getting the best of me. I should add that my X put me through HELL for the past 9 years. I recently withdrew from my classes because lack of motivation was resulting in horrible grades and I need to maintain a high GPA, I've literally lost my drive or concern for my future. I call in sick to work, as I just have no motivation or energy to get out of bed. Recently I slept almost 15 hours and went right back to bed exhausted a few hours later, I'm just always sooo tired. My daughter is feeling the effects of my depression. She is sad when I'm sad, I notice a huge change in her. I don't pay enough attention to her when I'm in that state. I become messy, careless, I don't cook or prepare for the day ahead. Good thing, I have a huge and very close family and I make sure she's around good company if I'm not well, so she doesn't see me that way... but, even when I'm not with her, she still worries about me, we are connected like that. I don't fool her, even when I pretend to be happy, she knows. Besides, a daughter needs her mother, even if she has the best aunties and grandparents in the world.
I'm telling you my life story because I'm trying to weigh my options, and I know I could be making an excuse for my habit, so I need an outsiders opinion.
So, when I first tried cocaine a couple of months ago, I was instantly energized. I feel much better on it. I do 1 gram per week, starting in the morning (before work) and sniff little bits throughout the day, last sniff is after work in traffic on my way to university, (night classes). I understand I will build a tolerance to it ... haven't really yet. I am happier, more outgoing, I can get my butt in gear and get things done (with a bit of cluelessness of course).I HATE the comedown, but I'm used to feeling like hell.
I know the **** is bad for me. I am a rational, smart, educated woman. I've done some research, I know the general consequences of cocaine use. I do not think that I would let this drug take over my life, never been the addictive type. But I do want this drug every day.
My main concerns are;
1) My daughter. I don't want to be a drug addicted mother. But I also don't want to fail the life I've built for us.
2) My beauty. Vanity is my sin. I am currently youthful and I think I'm beautiful.
3) My mental health
Questions;
1) Am I being a selfish, horrible mother? What is worse, my doing drugs or depression sucking the life out of us?
2) Will small amounts daily or every other day up to a gram a week, cause my nose to decay?
3) how much/long does it take to permanently damage my nose, in general? I have light amounts of blood when i blow my nose. I use saline nasal spray once or twice a day, and always q tip my nose.
4) how does cocaine effect my skin? Will it age me fast? i drink tons of water, eat well and don't smoke or drink.
5) I have no appetite, I have lost about 6-7 pounds, was only 115 lb. healthy. Will it eat my curves away even if I force myself to eat lots?
6) Does cocaine have irreversible effects on my brain or organs? Will my mind and body suffer long term?
LAST question;
Can i successfully use cocaine for a short time period ( a few months) to help me get through this ruff period in my life? I have been to my doctor, she gave me Ativan, but that DOESN'T help me keep up with life, as it is a sedative (she doesn't even listen to me).
I should add, that i had blood work done, and am seeing my doctor this week to check if I'm low in any levels, and we are going to discuss anti-depressants. But I'm asking these questions under the assumption that my blood is fine and anti-depressants wont help my energy deficiency.
PLEASE be honest with me, I cant afford these answers to be sugar coated, or pitiful. My entire family and all friends always sugar coat things, I've kind of grown up as a 'princess'.
Thank you so much for reading this, sorry for the NOVEL, but I'm on cocaine, hence the reason i even had energy to write this!
With love,
....
I am 25, mom to a 6 year old daughter, a full-time student and also work full-time. With a busy schedule (my daughter is as busy as me with sports and school) I have to stay on top of things, and normally love doing so.
However, I have been dealing with a messy divorce for the past few months, and depression is getting the best of me. I should add that my X put me through HELL for the past 9 years. I recently withdrew from my classes because lack of motivation was resulting in horrible grades and I need to maintain a high GPA, I've literally lost my drive or concern for my future. I call in sick to work, as I just have no motivation or energy to get out of bed. Recently I slept almost 15 hours and went right back to bed exhausted a few hours later, I'm just always sooo tired. My daughter is feeling the effects of my depression. She is sad when I'm sad, I notice a huge change in her. I don't pay enough attention to her when I'm in that state. I become messy, careless, I don't cook or prepare for the day ahead. Good thing, I have a huge and very close family and I make sure she's around good company if I'm not well, so she doesn't see me that way... but, even when I'm not with her, she still worries about me, we are connected like that. I don't fool her, even when I pretend to be happy, she knows. Besides, a daughter needs her mother, even if she has the best aunties and grandparents in the world.
I'm telling you my life story because I'm trying to weigh my options, and I know I could be making an excuse for my habit, so I need an outsiders opinion.
So, when I first tried cocaine a couple of months ago, I was instantly energized. I feel much better on it. I do 1 gram per week, starting in the morning (before work) and sniff little bits throughout the day, last sniff is after work in traffic on my way to university, (night classes). I understand I will build a tolerance to it ... haven't really yet. I am happier, more outgoing, I can get my butt in gear and get things done (with a bit of cluelessness of course).I HATE the comedown, but I'm used to feeling like hell.
I know the **** is bad for me. I am a rational, smart, educated woman. I've done some research, I know the general consequences of cocaine use. I do not think that I would let this drug take over my life, never been the addictive type. But I do want this drug every day.
My main concerns are;
1) My daughter. I don't want to be a drug addicted mother. But I also don't want to fail the life I've built for us.
2) My beauty. Vanity is my sin. I am currently youthful and I think I'm beautiful.
3) My mental health
Questions;
1) Am I being a selfish, horrible mother? What is worse, my doing drugs or depression sucking the life out of us?
2) Will small amounts daily or every other day up to a gram a week, cause my nose to decay?
3) how much/long does it take to permanently damage my nose, in general? I have light amounts of blood when i blow my nose. I use saline nasal spray once or twice a day, and always q tip my nose.
4) how does cocaine effect my skin? Will it age me fast? i drink tons of water, eat well and don't smoke or drink.
5) I have no appetite, I have lost about 6-7 pounds, was only 115 lb. healthy. Will it eat my curves away even if I force myself to eat lots?
6) Does cocaine have irreversible effects on my brain or organs? Will my mind and body suffer long term?
LAST question;
Can i successfully use cocaine for a short time period ( a few months) to help me get through this ruff period in my life? I have been to my doctor, she gave me Ativan, but that DOESN'T help me keep up with life, as it is a sedative (she doesn't even listen to me).
I should add, that i had blood work done, and am seeing my doctor this week to check if I'm low in any levels, and we are going to discuss anti-depressants. But I'm asking these questions under the assumption that my blood is fine and anti-depressants wont help my energy deficiency.
PLEASE be honest with me, I cant afford these answers to be sugar coated, or pitiful. My entire family and all friends always sugar coat things, I've kind of grown up as a 'princess'.
Thank you so much for reading this, sorry for the NOVEL, but I'm on cocaine, hence the reason i even had energy to write this!
With love,
....
Best of luck to you fishyrabbit. Make sure you have road blocks set up so you don't fall back into that "hole."
FANTASTIC!!!!!!
Not to sound like I'm giving you another lecture, but sweetie, you haven't learned about addiction to understand what it is, what relapse is (there are several stages, the early ones you would never recognize unless you learned about them). Addiction is cunning. There are people who have walked away from their DOC and been clean for decades, only to relapse one day out of the blue.
If you want to have the BEST chance at staying clean, you'll seek out some professional addiction help. How about the depression? Have you addressed that? That was the underlying problem that started your addiction, therefore, if you don't work to improve that, you will be at high risk for relapse.
The facts don't lie....relapse in addiction is frequent and common, especially with cocaine, because of the really really strong mental component. You came here before with a certain mindset (and quite stubborn...lol)...but you allowed yourself to let the wall down and really LISTENED to the advice here, and you discovered everything we said was true. We wouldn't lead you astray.
Do the same thing again, really LISTEN to what people are telling you...this isn't about people pushing meetings...you can seek help lots of places, including through a private therapist. This is about the STRONG reality of relapse.
Read this about relapse from CA...and see if any of it rings true. I would bet a whole bunch of it does.
http://www.ca.org/literature/suggestions.htm
Your progress is great....amazing. But you want LONG term progress...you want security in your sobriety. You can have that if you work on learning more about the whole process, and doing the things you need to do to stay vigilant. Your addict mind VERY well will try to betray you at some point, and when it does, if you haven't armed yourself with the tools of recovery, you'll be using before you even know what has happened.
Just give it some thought, okay? SO glad you came back to update us, and so glad you're doing well. When it comes to sobriety, you can NEVER do too much, but you can definitely NOT do enough.
Take care...best wishes to you!!!
Not to sound like I'm giving you another lecture, but sweetie, you haven't learned about addiction to understand what it is, what relapse is (there are several stages, the early ones you would never recognize unless you learned about them). Addiction is cunning. There are people who have walked away from their DOC and been clean for decades, only to relapse one day out of the blue.
If you want to have the BEST chance at staying clean, you'll seek out some professional addiction help. How about the depression? Have you addressed that? That was the underlying problem that started your addiction, therefore, if you don't work to improve that, you will be at high risk for relapse.
The facts don't lie....relapse in addiction is frequent and common, especially with cocaine, because of the really really strong mental component. You came here before with a certain mindset (and quite stubborn...lol)...but you allowed yourself to let the wall down and really LISTENED to the advice here, and you discovered everything we said was true. We wouldn't lead you astray.
Do the same thing again, really LISTEN to what people are telling you...this isn't about people pushing meetings...you can seek help lots of places, including through a private therapist. This is about the STRONG reality of relapse.
Read this about relapse from CA...and see if any of it rings true. I would bet a whole bunch of it does.
http://www.ca.org/literature/suggestions.htm
Your progress is great....amazing. But you want LONG term progress...you want security in your sobriety. You can have that if you work on learning more about the whole process, and doing the things you need to do to stay vigilant. Your addict mind VERY well will try to betray you at some point, and when it does, if you haven't armed yourself with the tools of recovery, you'll be using before you even know what has happened.
Just give it some thought, okay? SO glad you came back to update us, and so glad you're doing well. When it comes to sobriety, you can NEVER do too much, but you can definitely NOT do enough.
Take care...best wishes to you!!!
So glad you're here,
I'm not going to repeat a lot of the good info posted above.I've been through it and yes, it can wear your looks down quick, fast in a hurry. The fact that you're sneezing blood is a sign. What I wanted to add that no one else addressed is that the D3 deficit might definitely be linked to your depression and low energy. Get yourself a good supplement. Read up on it. Lack of sunlight and D3 deficiency have been linked to mood disorders and SADS. That's why there are so many suicides in Scandinavia. One other thing I'd tentatively point out to you: you must have achieved good grades in order to get to where you are w/o cocaine. So, it's possible for you to get back to that place. You don't need to take anything to get through rough patches. I know you're feeling physically and psychologically spent. I know how euphoric cocaine is. This doesn't last. Eventually you'll up your dosage and the euphoria will last a shorter time -- the crashes will be more sustained and powerful. You will start to experience paranoia and possibly psychosis. I know it's sounds extreme but this IS the end result of Cocaine use. I didn't even use Coke every day and that's where I ended up w/ it. It takes three days or more for Cocaine to come out of your urine. If you're using every day -- even what you think are small amts. it's a real violence to your body/brain. The net result -- the eventual returns -- will be negative. Period. That's the LIE of Cocaine. It's an extremely seductive and therefore havoc-wreaking drug. I know you're very aware but intellectual knowledge and actual understanding/experience/wisdom are two different things. That's something I only came to understand gradually. I wish you all the best and every success. You've got too much to live for and you and your child deserve better! I wish you every blessing and success in your battle. Keep posting. We're here.
I'm not going to repeat a lot of the good info posted above.I've been through it and yes, it can wear your looks down quick, fast in a hurry. The fact that you're sneezing blood is a sign. What I wanted to add that no one else addressed is that the D3 deficit might definitely be linked to your depression and low energy. Get yourself a good supplement. Read up on it. Lack of sunlight and D3 deficiency have been linked to mood disorders and SADS. That's why there are so many suicides in Scandinavia. One other thing I'd tentatively point out to you: you must have achieved good grades in order to get to where you are w/o cocaine. So, it's possible for you to get back to that place. You don't need to take anything to get through rough patches. I know you're feeling physically and psychologically spent. I know how euphoric cocaine is. This doesn't last. Eventually you'll up your dosage and the euphoria will last a shorter time -- the crashes will be more sustained and powerful. You will start to experience paranoia and possibly psychosis. I know it's sounds extreme but this IS the end result of Cocaine use. I didn't even use Coke every day and that's where I ended up w/ it. It takes three days or more for Cocaine to come out of your urine. If you're using every day -- even what you think are small amts. it's a real violence to your body/brain. The net result -- the eventual returns -- will be negative. Period. That's the LIE of Cocaine. It's an extremely seductive and therefore havoc-wreaking drug. I know you're very aware but intellectual knowledge and actual understanding/experience/wisdom are two different things. That's something I only came to understand gradually. I wish you all the best and every success. You've got too much to live for and you and your child deserve better! I wish you every blessing and success in your battle. Keep posting. We're here.
If you've been around it since you quit you aren't doing recovery right. There will come a time when you are tempted, will do some and then you're right back where you left off. I am being honest and blunt. It sounded to me early on like you were looking for approval to do coke and when you didn't get it you somehow stopped. If you aren't going to NA or even AA, if you still associate with users, if you aren't completely honest with yourself and everyone else you will start using again. Think about being desperate for coke, having no money but having a beautiful face and curvy body and how you can put those to use getting what you want. It happens every day and you aren't immune. Get to a meeting ASAP and get serious about staying clean, otherwise you have a long, bumpy road ahead of you.
So glad to hear this fishy
Don't ever go back.It is not worth it,by any stretch of the imagination.
Good for you !
Don't ever go back.It is not worth it,by any stretch of the imagination.
Good for you !
Just an update,
Proud to say I have been clean since the end of December, I have been around it a few times and have no desire. If you are addicted to cocaine don't conclude you are doomed and the drug runs you, you are in control and you can quit as soon as you make the decision to. I didn't go to rehab, counselling, I just picked myself up out of the hole I was in and decided. Nothing is more powerful than the mind and nothing can help you better than yourself.
Proud to say I have been clean since the end of December, I have been around it a few times and have no desire. If you are addicted to cocaine don't conclude you are doomed and the drug runs you, you are in control and you can quit as soon as you make the decision to. I didn't go to rehab, counselling, I just picked myself up out of the hole I was in and decided. Nothing is more powerful than the mind and nothing can help you better than yourself.
WOW.....you have come full circle since I posted here last night!!
Good for you!!! Yea team (as we said in school). And that's what we are here, a team. Addiction is addiction, but coke and amphetamines differ in some ways. I have two loved ones addicted to methamphetamines. One of them has been doing them since she was 12 yrs old. Today.....this minute, she's in trmt. I don't think she has another relapse in her. And her kids are not in her custody right now.
She told me that she really relates better when she goes to a CA (cocaine anonymous) meeting. If you have a lot of ways in your city to GET coke,
you also have a CA meeting somewhere in the same city you can get to so you can soak up the experience, strength, hope and love of other recovering coke addicts. You will NEVER regret it.....they are actively living the life you want to live. Clean and helping others. That's how it works.
So glad to see your openess......see how much can happen in 24 hrs??
Blessings to you~
Good for you!!! Yea team (as we said in school). And that's what we are here, a team. Addiction is addiction, but coke and amphetamines differ in some ways. I have two loved ones addicted to methamphetamines. One of them has been doing them since she was 12 yrs old. Today.....this minute, she's in trmt. I don't think she has another relapse in her. And her kids are not in her custody right now.
She told me that she really relates better when she goes to a CA (cocaine anonymous) meeting. If you have a lot of ways in your city to GET coke,
you also have a CA meeting somewhere in the same city you can get to so you can soak up the experience, strength, hope and love of other recovering coke addicts. You will NEVER regret it.....they are actively living the life you want to live. Clean and helping others. That's how it works.
So glad to see your openess......see how much can happen in 24 hrs??
Blessings to you~
Don't beat yourself up. I'm glad you found this site. Keep posting and seeking help. I can tell just by the way you write about your daughter how much you love her and want to give her the best life possible. Just make sure you don't put your future in jeopardy with her. I'm sure she she would prefer a temporarily depressed mother versus a long term addict mother. IMO, you already subconsciously knew you needed to change. Sometimes, we just need a little push in the right direction. Life sometimes can throw unexpected challenges our way but we have to keep pushing forward. Don't look back to what's done. Look forward and work hard for that life you so want and deserve. Never think you are alone. I've learned there are so many caring people on this forum. Someone will always be willing to answer your questions. Best of wishes.
Thank you for your support you can do it I can do it this form is a special place
Your story really hit home I am truly sorry for your struggle and I thank you so much for sharing it with me you could potentially be saving my life
Don't beat yourself up. We have all fallen and gotten back up with the help of each other. The best thing you can do is get rid of your connections and stash. If you know you can score, you WILL. If you tell yourself this is NOT an option for you and that you are ready to accept life on life's terms (being tired, etc) then you are moving in the right direction. The anti-depressants take a little while to kick in, so don't give up on that. You just have to be willing to hunker down and do the best you can until then. I've been going to work in opiate w/d the past couple days and while it's not easy, I feel good knowing I didn't use to get through my day. If you feel you HAVE to have it to accomplish anything, then you are hooked and need to walk away from it before it's too late. That's how we all got started.
Have I lost control? Am I on my way to being in your position already? I feel like it might be too late? Will I find a way to get my dealers number again? I have money... And searching for a dealer in my city is so easy. I am scared that it's already got me.
Thank you guys for sharing your stories. I guess you all felt
You would have control at first. It's only been two months so
I really have no idea what it will be like after month 6 or 7 or indefinitely.
Today I did use a little in the am because I was falling asleep
At work and I have tight deadlines to complete client accounts.
The anti depressants aren't kicking in yet.
I am flushing my stash.
And deleting my dealers number. I'm scared and hating myself.
You would have control at first. It's only been two months so
I really have no idea what it will be like after month 6 or 7 or indefinitely.
Today I did use a little in the am because I was falling asleep
At work and I have tight deadlines to complete client accounts.
The anti depressants aren't kicking in yet.
I am flushing my stash.
And deleting my dealers number. I'm scared and hating myself.
u really need to just stop..coke is a horribe drug..u think ur depressed now just keeeo usin n see how depressed u get when ur daughter getts takin from u , u lose ur home n car..it will happen,eventually.ur poor baby needs u.even thogh u say its only 1gram a wk that quickly will turn into 1gram a day than more n more.please just stop while ur ahead. addiction is an ugly thing.so post above u wont feel any wds so dont worry about that,ull just have to over come ur mind n thoughts.i myself have used coke n heroin for a long time n have to say gettin awy from cke was a hella lot easier. bein clean is awesome,make ur own happiness,dont need a drug to do that..get ur butt to the dr n tell him how u feel, sounds like u need aint depressants n maybe a mood stablizer well good luck n flush ur stash..its really hard but its the first step
I just want to second the last few posts made. If you are relying in any way on the coke, then it IS a problem. We all started out thinking we had control. In the early stages of my addiction I was your age with young children. Once in a while I used something to cope. Within a few years it was daily, then several times a day, then I became physically, then psychologically dependant. After my first rehab 6 years ago a year later I was hooked on another substance and here I am today...20 years later regretting all the years I lost out not being fully present with my children. All the times I put them at risk of losing their mother, driving around under the influence or with them in the vehicle with me. All the times I didn't feel well and missed out on time spent with them. It does start where you are. Addiction isn't about willpower alone. It is about surrendering to the fact that we don't have control over the drugs. Especially if we feel we have to have them. Please get rid of what you have and don't look back. Look forward to the future.
You are very smart and insightful, and to be totally honest, you ARE trying to rationalize what you're doing in your mind...weigh the pros and cons in a sense. You do that when deciding to take an antidepressant, or try therapy...not when you're deciding to use cocaine to combat your depression.
Someone earlier in the thread said something that is SO true, and SO important. One of the biggest problems this will cause for you is an actual exacerbation of your depression. You think you were depressed before? You already have experienced the "come down". That will just get worse and worse...and coke addicts have such a severe mental addiction that words like "fiending for" are used to describe the want to use. You will experience very severe bouts of depression in between using.
Physiologically, you won't become physically addicted, like you would with an opiate (like heroin). The addiction is all mental. For this reason, people were correct in saying that your doctor didn't really do right by you. There is no need to "taper" off cocaine. There are no physical w/d's, only mental ones. I get what you're saying, about the doctor's approach, but I don't agree with it. Did your doc recommend any therapy? That's a must for sure!
The BIGGEST risk from cocaine is a serious, life threatening medical event. Cocaine is the WORST possible drug you could imagine as far as how it relates to the impact on your health. It does and can cause heart attacks, strokes, internal bleeding (in the brain also). It can cause you to have high blood pressure that will never go away...the list is a long one. You may say, "well, I'm only doing a gram a day". It doesn't matter. People with minimal, occasional recreational use have dropped dead from cocaine. Am I exaggerating? Trying to scare you? NO. The effect coke has on the cardiovascular system is terrible...it's a dangerous, dangerous drug. Not to mention, you never know what's in it...it's commonly cut with all kinds of things....including toxic household chemicals.
There's only ONE option here, and I think you know that. Stop using, flush what you have, and cut your sources...never look back. And, dive into some serious professional help for your depression. If you address the depression, with meds, and therapy....you CAN get yourself back, start enjoying life again, and start being the GOOD Mom you know you are.
I'll be very honest with you...with the way you were suffering before, with your daughter, you were being very neglectful of her...and like you said, it was already affecting her. You are desperate to change that, I understand. But, making the decision you did just put you over the top in terms of poor parenting choices. You risk taking yourself away from your daughter tragically, and if you continue to use, you will spiral out of control...and parenting won't be something you'll be able to do.
The most precious thing in the world to you is your daughter...I'm sure of that. So, pull yourself up by your boot straps, quit lying to yourself, trying to convince yourself this is a reasonable answer to treating your depression...and get the help you need. Say goodbye to coke once and for all...it's the ONLY solution in this situation...and you're smart, you KNOW that. There's no way you can even SORT of find a way that this is okay.
Once you get the right help, you'll be able to be the Mom you want to be, the great Mom you are.
Lastly, NONE of us here are trying to JUDGE you, or just purposely trying to scare you. This is a forum FULL of people who have struggled with their own addictions. You couldn't have come to a better place for advice. The best thing you could do, hon, is learn from THEIR mistakes and head this off at the pass, before you end up in a bad, bad place.
Prayers to you...very best of luck. I hope you can enjoy the holiday season, knowing you made the right choice, for you and for your daughter. You both deserve that!
Someone earlier in the thread said something that is SO true, and SO important. One of the biggest problems this will cause for you is an actual exacerbation of your depression. You think you were depressed before? You already have experienced the "come down". That will just get worse and worse...and coke addicts have such a severe mental addiction that words like "fiending for" are used to describe the want to use. You will experience very severe bouts of depression in between using.
Physiologically, you won't become physically addicted, like you would with an opiate (like heroin). The addiction is all mental. For this reason, people were correct in saying that your doctor didn't really do right by you. There is no need to "taper" off cocaine. There are no physical w/d's, only mental ones. I get what you're saying, about the doctor's approach, but I don't agree with it. Did your doc recommend any therapy? That's a must for sure!
The BIGGEST risk from cocaine is a serious, life threatening medical event. Cocaine is the WORST possible drug you could imagine as far as how it relates to the impact on your health. It does and can cause heart attacks, strokes, internal bleeding (in the brain also). It can cause you to have high blood pressure that will never go away...the list is a long one. You may say, "well, I'm only doing a gram a day". It doesn't matter. People with minimal, occasional recreational use have dropped dead from cocaine. Am I exaggerating? Trying to scare you? NO. The effect coke has on the cardiovascular system is terrible...it's a dangerous, dangerous drug. Not to mention, you never know what's in it...it's commonly cut with all kinds of things....including toxic household chemicals.
There's only ONE option here, and I think you know that. Stop using, flush what you have, and cut your sources...never look back. And, dive into some serious professional help for your depression. If you address the depression, with meds, and therapy....you CAN get yourself back, start enjoying life again, and start being the GOOD Mom you know you are.
I'll be very honest with you...with the way you were suffering before, with your daughter, you were being very neglectful of her...and like you said, it was already affecting her. You are desperate to change that, I understand. But, making the decision you did just put you over the top in terms of poor parenting choices. You risk taking yourself away from your daughter tragically, and if you continue to use, you will spiral out of control...and parenting won't be something you'll be able to do.
The most precious thing in the world to you is your daughter...I'm sure of that. So, pull yourself up by your boot straps, quit lying to yourself, trying to convince yourself this is a reasonable answer to treating your depression...and get the help you need. Say goodbye to coke once and for all...it's the ONLY solution in this situation...and you're smart, you KNOW that. There's no way you can even SORT of find a way that this is okay.
Once you get the right help, you'll be able to be the Mom you want to be, the great Mom you are.
Lastly, NONE of us here are trying to JUDGE you, or just purposely trying to scare you. This is a forum FULL of people who have struggled with their own addictions. You couldn't have come to a better place for advice. The best thing you could do, hon, is learn from THEIR mistakes and head this off at the pass, before you end up in a bad, bad place.
Prayers to you...very best of luck. I hope you can enjoy the holiday season, knowing you made the right choice, for you and for your daughter. You both deserve that!
Hi! I can answer your questions 1-6 you asked about in your post/ The answer to all of them are YES. You are playing with fire and right now trying to rationalize continuing to use. But oh the mind does its wonderful tricks-you will lose this game. You know what you need to do. Youre an "smart beautiful educated woman". So am I. I still became an addict. Drugs don't care about that all they want is your life and soul. Get out now while you still have "control" or do you? I wish you the best. ~Bkitty
I just wonder why you came to a substance abuse forum, if you weren't concerned that you had a problem?
I don't believe anyone is judging you or assuming they know what's best for you. Only you can know and decide that. I believe that everyone, in their own words, is trying to tell you to reconsider while you DO have control over this. Most of us here didn't even start using narcotics to "just get a little energy". Many of us were prescribed legal drugs to deal with legitimate physical pain. If you have the time, maybe, you could read some of the other posts. People being involved in terrible crashes, painful surgeries, broken bones, burns, etc. It started out as a method of pain relief, given out by a prescribing doctor. Most of us hadn't even healed from the pain before we became addicted. Also, most of us come from educated, professional backgrounds. My point is, addiction doesn't spare ANYONE. It doesn't matter how old or young you are either. I became addicted at the age of 24. Six years later I'm still fighting to stay clean. Physical dependency is a piece of cake to get over versus the psychological dependency. Yes, the WD symptoms are awful to go thru. Yet, they END. The body gets over the need in a short period of time. The mind on the other hand, NEVER does. Once an addict, always an addict. I'm not saying we haven't gotten clean. I'm just saying, if given the chance, we knew for a fact that we wouldn't face any consequences, I'd say a good majority of us would NOT say no to the drugs. Most of us only quit because we hit rock bottom. My rock bottom? Using multiple doctors and pharmacies to get my DOC and still running out. Taking five times more than I was prescribed, yet never having enough. Counting pills and always worrying about running out. I only quit because I knew I would eventually die of an overdose. Even that didn't matter. What mattered was I knew I would die, and the pain it would put my mother and husband thru. If not for them, I know I would still be at it. Like you, I too have a very close knit and loving family. I also have an incredibly loving husband. Yet I lied to all of them for the sake of my habit. Let me also say, I've NEVER smoked, drank ANY alcohol or used any type of drug whatsoever before my addiction. I'm educated and make a six figure income. Yet, I'm a drug addict. Even though I'm not using right now, it's taking so much will power not to. It's taking a whole community of caring people to help me get thru this. I don't even have the luxury to ask support from my own family because I'm too ashamed to tell them. I'm not trying to preach to you or tell you what to do. And, who am I to judge? All I'm saying is don't fool yourself into thinking your invincible. Your body builds up tolerance so fast, you don't even realize it till its too late. I only hope that you don't have to go thru what any of us have or are going thru. I figured since you have already done the scientific research, you don't need me to tell you that aspect of it. I thought I'd rather share my personal situation so you could better get an idea how much life changes by using narcotics. What started out as pain relief from two incredibly painful surgeries back to back quickly turned into full fledged addiction. I wish you the best and hope you don't take my message as being judgmental. I'm only trying to state the reality. Good luck to you.
It seems that you are just trying to rationalize using a dangerous and illegal drug. You know the answers to your questions.
Yes, i can't deny the sentence does scare me a little. Your right, it is a part of my current routine. I get that the routine may be the hardest part to break.
But, I cant let fear get the best of me right? Fear is like a disease, you worry, stress and over analyze to the point of self destruction, I think fear of many things in my life is what made me start doing coke. I am going to wake up tomorrow and tell myself I am in control and that this drug will not run me.
You have a good point about justifying and defending myself. I tend to do that a lot. But I can't argue this one. I realize that if I do I am not winning anything, only destroying myself. Axeman, thank you.
But, I cant let fear get the best of me right? Fear is like a disease, you worry, stress and over analyze to the point of self destruction, I think fear of many things in my life is what made me start doing coke. I am going to wake up tomorrow and tell myself I am in control and that this drug will not run me.
You have a good point about justifying and defending myself. I tend to do that a lot. But I can't argue this one. I realize that if I do I am not winning anything, only destroying myself. Axeman, thank you.
You have control over your actions right now. You stopped for one day. Try the next five. If any part of that last sentence gets you worried, you have a problem. The drug has become part of your routine.
Forgive me if I am making an incorrect assumption.
It sounds a lot like your trying to justify your use by defending your reasons. While I know every situation is different, most follow a similar outline.
Forgive me if I am making an incorrect assumption.
It sounds a lot like your trying to justify your use by defending your reasons. While I know every situation is different, most follow a similar outline.
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