Life

[Dane74]

Hi all, I am pulling myself up from my slump.  After my relapse, i became very depressed and anxious to say the least.  I am doing all the nessary things i need to do to take control over the situation.  I went to my primary care dr, confessed to him about my love affair for the pills told him about my relapse and wow, the saying goes"the truth shall set you free"!!  Well i felt better getting that off my chest, and as a result i was put on an anti depressant, i am not liking this idea but i do believe its necessary.  So, hopefully in 2 weeks i will notice some improvement.  I am currently on day 8 clean now, i would have been around 80, but its time to forget that mark and just work from day 8.  I cannot begin to stress the importance of AFTERCARE, i found an addiction therapist, she is a blessing, and i see her once a week.  Not going to lie, after one hour in that session, i walk out of there drained.  We all use or used for a reason, basically to escape reality, well, now i am in the learning stages of coping.  The only way  i know how to cope is to take a pill so i really look forward to embracing life and see what its all about clean and sober.  YES, its scary, but its a fact of life.  

[vicki595]

Dana-  Where are you?   Check in or send a PM...

[ImDONENoMore]

dane - vicki's right here about the wanting to get high one more time thing.  Relapse starts long before you actually take that pill.  It's the thoughts that bring you to that place.

Which is why I think it's a great idea to talk to the therapist NOW.  Reach out and tell her you need help - that you're feeling vulnerable and that you want to use.  A.  She'll think it's great that you chose to go to HER and not the drugs to deal with these feelings, and B. YOU'LL feel better.  You just will.

I think, at least for me, it was the helpless feeling I felt ALL the time while using that kept me there  -  it was like "to hell with it - I'm an addict and always will be so why suffer"?  Only I found that after I opened up to those around me (hubby especially) I suddenly felt this power that I had not felt EVER while taking the pills.  That I - ME - was finally in control of my behavior and could face what I needed to to get clean.

Now come on girl - we KNOW you can do this - like I said before - give yourself time to believe that.  DON'T let the one slip determine who you're going to be TODAY.  That's the great thing about life - as long as you're not using you have a chance each and every day to be well.

:)

[vicki595]

Debbie-  Yes, actually you're closer but you can swing by PA and pick up IBK...Oh...and "ImDONE"...she's closer to you and she can take the train south to meet you!

I have the LONG ride from NM to MN to get Sara....Man!! This sounds like a campaign trail!!  Then on to Arkansas!!

Okay...Now...Miss DANA! Listen here!  KLONOPIN is a downer; a BENZO and you should know that!!  Now,I'll tell you ANOTHER story:

You know this guy Thomas who has that old recipe that's posted everywhere???   Well, Thomas was a brilliant guy. Brilliant. Used a lot of opiates. Detoxed a thousand times and was the guru of detox!  He did get clean more or less and was having a more normal lifestyle....
One day he took a little Xanax...A LITTLE....(A BENZO)  and later had a little wine ( true freaking story) and fell asleep that night FOR FREAKING EVER! He's DEAD!  GONE!  

So knock that **** off!  I mean it. And don't start crying!   Take a Benadryl and go to bed!!!  In the morning, call your therapist and tell her you are about to relapse...no offense taken but if you want to get high one more time...you will.

Love,Vicki

[atthebeach]

i will just meet you all there i am closer. i will leave tomorrow morning.
yea, cant wait, i love road trips.

[Dane74]

YES, Sara and tramhater, come on the bus too, we can eat and be merry, but Sara, you have to be promise to be nice to me...LMAO....Just kidding Sara, i love it that you dish it out to me..XOXO

[Dane74]

I dont think my little screw up mentally doesn't freak me out as much anymore, the guilt is there but i am getting over that.  It's more about the way i feel now after the mishap.  I was feeling great when i was 70 days clean, very little cravings stamina came back and life was pretty good. I was not dealing with depressionat all, for that matter i NEVER did.  I personally think i screwed with my head and feed it the opiates that it wanted and i am physically back to the beginning.  Not sure if i should say this or not, please dont take offense to anyone reading, but i just want to get high one last time....  Is this normal? I hate to even say it but its true.  As for the klonopin, it's a downer? i will do some research on that, but YES, i am taking to many of them thinking it will help, so i dont even know if it does or not, my mind thinks it helps im sure.  

@HEY YOU, yeah your name is way to long to type, so for now on it's HEy you!!!!! LMAO  I get what your saying completely, and i know i had this, but thats past tense now, now i dont have it now, and its driving me crazy.  One more week and then the AD should kick in, maybe that will help.  I have to get passed the urge to use so bad and thats knocking me out, so thats why i have been turing to klonopin and wine. Thanks for the confidence in me, but please dont have it now, i dont want to let anyone down even more than i have already.

@vicki, You always seems to know just what to say, i swear you know me like a freaking book, it is scary how well you know me!!!!  YES, the word addict is not something i can get over right now and i even question if i am or not.  LOAD up the bus come on, i will make the chocolate cake...LOLThank you so much it does amazes me how well you know me and yes "HEY YOU" come hop on the bus too we can all chow down on some cake...LOL   I love you guys to pieces, thank you....Guess what, i actually have a smile on my face right now...XOOXO

[LeaAnn807]

LMAO..........not to hijack the thread, but how is the temp down there, Vicki?  I mean, I'm up in the 5 ft 6 in altitude!!! : )

Girls weekend? Wouldn't that be SO much fun??  OMG!

[vicki595]

Okay...great...you're on the bus,too!  It's good because you know I have trouble reaching the pedals!!!

I'm thinking this: It's time for a "girl's weekend" !!!    SARA???

[LeaAnn807]

I wanna go too!  : )

Get on with life now, and stop living in gloom and doom.  Don't tread on it any longer!  Mistakes happen.  Don't obsess!

What would you tell me if I had done this?  To punish and torture myself because that is so beneficial and helpful?  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[vicki595]

Hey little girl...I agree with everything "ImDONE...." said. (As an aside,I'm sick of having to write out her screen name!! It's too hard!!   So,HEY YOU!!
Can we use your real name here???   Please??? LOL)  I don't dare not ask her first...she gets so cranky!!   LMAO!!!

Okay...Yes!!  The relapse got to you and now it's just time to get over it!!  I think the "label" is bothering you A LOT!!   You already have some low self esteem going on and now to tell yourself you're an addict is pretty distasteful to you. So, here's what we'll do: You're not an addict. You're a woman with health issues/concerns who got caught up in a VERY COMMON TRAP.  You have what I like to call a "Prescription Medication Situation".  You no longer have it. You've detoxed. You're healthier. You took a couple of pills recently. BIG DEAL. You'll take pills again because that's the reality of YOUR life and YOUR chronic situation. In the mean time, you know you have what I also like to call a "proclivity toward taking extra pills."  That's not good and you know it. That's all. You know it and you'll always be mindful of that...

You have an excellent therapist. You're lucky!!  She cannot be a friend and that's a good thing!!  I had a great therapist but I had to fire her. She exhausted me! She had too many problems and thought my little use of a drug that was just "so benign" was nothing in comparison...Now I have Paul and he's perfect!!  Anyway...

Maybe going to that AA meeting is freaking you out! (I know it is!!)  So, don't go!!  There's no law here...you can design your very own aftercare...I can give you some ideas...

So,buck up here. No klonipin for you!  It's a downer and you're already down!!    I'll give you some ideas there too...

If I have to load up the bus and come out there...well...that would be fun,huh???   But, I can yell if I have to...instead, I'll just love you to death...that works too!!  

I know I have "what's-her-name" right with me...LOL!!

[ImDONENoMore]

Well I definitely don't think you're DOOMED.  There's a way out of this and you know that.  I just want so much for you to give it the time it deserves without relying on anything - that's all.  And I know how hard you're trying and I respect that.  And I KNOW you can do this I just wish so badly that you would let yourself believe that too!

Seriously dane you had this - and the one slip up you had is totally screwing with your psyche - so don't let it.  It was one stupid mistake - big deal we all make them - the more you acknowledge that the less power it has over you.

I won't lose faith.  And neither should YOU.

[Dane74]

Well, the klonopin is for anxiety right?  And that is through the roof!  i dont know what else to do, i am not really a drinker so i am not concerned about that but the wine does take the edge off.  I am nervous about the klonopin myself , but i am hoping the AD med will kick in and then i can toss those away.  I do find myself reaching for a pill and i know its bad and i  am and just falling apart.  I am having a worse day today than yesterday and i HATE to be such a whiner here, but i am just being honest, IMDONEMORE you know that about me:)  So yes the klonopin scares me too, and i am doomed, i will talk with the therapist all about it on Monday.

[Dane74]

I do go to church regularly, but i am the one that sits in the back and keeps my mouth shut, i do love my pastor, but he does not even have a clue as to who i am.  I am not involved in the church, i just show up for worship.  I did look up the info you gave me and i will do it again tonight, i cant go at nights because hubby is home, so i need to go during the day.  I promise i will look into it again, to be honest i forgot what i even read about it.  The ENEMY, is more powerful right now and i am fighting against him but im losing:(  I am going to my therapist on monday AM and she is taking me to AA, i dont want to go there at all!!!!  I heard the cliental is not for me...I am trying here and just feel like im at a loss.

[ImDONENoMore]

The wine and klonopin is making me a little nervous for you girl.  A benzo can make you feel down (xanax was mine for over 12 years and I was constantly depressed) - and adding wine?  That scares me a bit.

You've come so far - WE see it in you to get past this - only now it's your turn to start to believe that.  It doesn't happen overnight so I totally get why you're feeling down - it's a process and a long one.  Most of the time I was NOT in a good mood and yes, I was sad - just mourning the loss of my "best" friend (the most deceitful AND hateful friend I ever had) and yet I mourned.  Believe me - this passes - it just takes TIME.  A word all addicts hate - we want what we want and we want it NOW right?  Only I'm finding out that real life doesn't work that way.  The good stuff kinda sneaks up on you when you least expect it.  Well, anywho....

Hang in there honey - and please - try to stay away from the klonopin - I think that drug might be triggering you more right now.  Just my opinion.

You know how I feel about you so please I mean this from my heart.  Just trying to look out for you - you remind me so much of myself...and I KNOW you can do this.  :)

[atthebeach]

dana,
it happened and there is nothing that can be done now. we only have today. dooming and glooming over it yes will only set you further back and into a downward spiral. the mind is very powerful. you need to speak positive thoughts to yourself constantly. dont let the discouragment set it. get rid of it. now. there is no condemnation  to those in CHRIST JESUS. dont believe those lies of the enemy. he is there to steal,rob,destroy and kill. dont give him a foothold.
you rise up and stand firm.
you are still healing. did you look at the celebrate recovery website?
did you go to the meeting yet, that is close to you?
have you counseled with your pastor and been going to services on sunday? do everything you can to help speed along the healing process.

[Dane74]

Does this depression or guilt ever go away?  Today was an another doom and gloom day, and i am freaking out that i am already setting myself up for failure.  Why do i want those darn pills so bad?  Is it the chase im looking for or what?  My mind is all over the board here.  When i was clean for 70 plus days i did not feel this way its ever since the relapse and now its worse than ever.  Most of you have said the detox is the easy part, and the mental part of it all and staying clean is the challenge.  Well, back then i thought y'all were just full of it, and now i get it completely!!!!  I am a slow learner i guess, and i have to experienced for myself to really understand it all.  So my question is this, does relapse make you feel this way? Sorry to all my friends that brought me to where i a today, i see myself heading back to the way i use to be back in Jan.....UGGG sorry for all my issues but it does help me to post and get the feed back from yall. Sorry guys, i know i am the high maintenance addict. sometimes i doubt if i even am an addict, you see my mind just loves to play games with me:((

[dominosarah]

Walk thru those doors with your head held high.  There will be other women there.  Sit and listen.  You will feel an energy like no other.  Let us know how it goes.

[Dane74]

attthebeach, thats for all your words of encouragement, i just pray i dont see anyone, its a small town for sure, i am traveling 30 minutes away so i can avoid running into someone.  But you are right, they are there for the same reason, i just dont trust people, and i am afraid it will be all men in there, i feel it  is more excepted for a man than for a women, i know i have warped views....

[Dane74]

Hi Vicki, i know i was in shock that she said she will go with me, she wanted me to go today and i told her i m am too chicken poop to walk in a room filled with people, another issue i have among the many.  But, she made it clear that this is beneficial for my recover and she knows i wont go alone at first, but made it clear that we cannot be friends as it is to detrimental to the therapeutic process so she  won't cross those boundaries, sad becasue i really like her.  Leave it to me that i want to be friends with the shrink... We are the same person from the same mold but i get it, but as you know the truth hurts at times.
   Yesterday was just a day from down under and who knows why, i did take Klonopin i was so anxious all day and came home after dinner and had some wine to unwind a bit, it did help. So, hopefully today is a better day, i am just so blahhhh, and now im freaking out over Monday going to AA.  Im confused with AA and NA?  Why AA, shrink says i will like the place she is taking me too and there are people there like me, but im not an alcoholic. Thank God, i have enough issues to deal with.  

And Vicki, i wish you could take me, you would kick my a$$ through the door and say sit down and listen!!!!!   XOXOOX

[atthebeach]

hi dana,
that is great your therapist will go with you. sometimes it is good to have that arm to lean on. that will be a huge step for you. as i said the other day if you see someone you know, they are also there for help and the meetings are confidential.
please keep your head up. GOD loves you. you are moving forward in the right direction. you are healing. HE is faithful to sustain you.
sending hugs and prayers
debbie

[vicki595]

She said she'd go with you???  WOW!!  That's great!
You'll be fine. You walk in and folks are gathered around...everyone says hello and welcomes you here and there...it's very casual and laid back from my experience...
Another story...years ago, one of my Uncles had to go to AA. He was getting older,pissed off,couldn't drive there(no license for a few months)...not happy! He was,also, in the early stages of Alzheimer's...

We arrived at the meeting place and folks started coming up to him with warm greetings,"Great to see you", etc...and he was so happy to see so many "friends"!!  He felt right at home (and invited everyone back to the house for a beer!!  UGH!!!)  He thought they all knew him and he felt like the Mayor!!      My point is...I had to drag him kicking and screaming and after that he was dragging ME!!  It was all good...I've been several times more recently(in my home town) and it's still the same!!

Don't worry!!   If we lived closer...I'd go with you!!

How are you today?

[Dane74]

Hi gnarly, thank you for asking, i am hanging in there, going one day at a time, somedays i cant wait for it to be over, this way that is just another day i made clean.  Waiting patiently for the AD med to kick in, the emotions are all over the board.  I reached out to my addiction specialist via email she told me anytime i can, and she is going to take me to a AA meeting on Monday.  I am scared as poop to go through those doors, and i wont go alone, so she says i need to go and is willing to take me, so i would be a fool if i gave up that opportunity.  I dont have a clue as to whats it all about and i hate the unknown, but hey thats "LIFE"   LOL
Thanks for the concern

[gnarly_1]

HOW  you doing tonight Dane//??

[Dane74]

Sara, I appreciate all that you did and still do for me, and sorry it consumes you, but put yourself first before others.  I know you care deeply i was just in a deep dark place back then and thought everyone and everything was out to get me, i now see that you only wanted the best for me, and i so appreciate that.  Never hold back your feeling to me, i need to hear it loud and clear....