Little Double Back

[qwerty9090]

since i feel like ive been completely honest, i wont start keeping secrets... i took 2mg of vicodin. i was more frustrated then ever at the time, i even through my floor length mirror to the floor (its broken of course) along with other things in my bedroom. There has been some family issues going on with my fiance that effects me and my household and i just couldn't take it!!!

I caved, a little out of spite, but mostly out of my exhaustion from the withdrawals and alot of emotions from the issues that are taken place in our lives right now.

I felt like a un-withdrawal person taking a deep breath and exhaling once i did take it. I calmed down a bit and stayed that way a good while. I know it means i have to try harder and all that jazz but this is a real battle.

[ariley13]

Thank you for being honest. Don't beat yourself up too much over this. Just brush the dust off, get back in the saddle, and keep going. This is the reason everyone has been stressing to get rid of your sources for the pills. There will always be stresses in life, and as addicts we tend to turn them into excuses to use. If you don't have pills available, then you are less likely to turn to that when things get rough. Plus it's just a total mind f**k to know that you have them, or have them available. Chances are you will cave. Time to revise your recovery plan and get rid of what isn't working. Now...back on that horse!

[OpenMind24hours]

It's not about trying harder. We have the disease of addiction. It causes us to use to escape our thinking and worst of all we end up using to escape from ourselves. But using is simply the tip of the iceberg. We need to recover from the entire disease in order to get better.

Aftercare programs are designed to deal with our entire disease. We learn through aftercare to accept life on life's terms. Acceptance is truly the answer. But it takes willingness to really work the steps and change our thinking. When I was using, all it did was muddle my thinking further. I spent years trying to control people places and things. Sadly I never prevailed.  I finally had to give myself a real chance to heal by stopping my using, and then work on staying that way. I found my own thinking will never change my own thinking. So, I had to surround myself in the atmosphere of recovery by hooking up with other addicts in recovery and listening to someone else's thinking instead. The recovering addict is my addiction's worst enemy. It's "I can't but WE can".  I go to NA and AA. Lately it's been more AA then NA. I'm cross-addicted. But, there are lots of other programs out there also. Find what ever works for you. Just don't try this alone.

Great that you're so honest about this. It shows you're aware of what you need to do. Keep on trying. Your miracle is right around the corner!

[qwerty9090]

you're absolutely right, however, it just got really hard to deal with the emotions from the issues and triple the emotions from the withdrawals, so i caved. my sources are all cut off, currently in the hole 200 as well with no way to pay them back. It is true what they say, getting on this site does help, talking about it does help. Im glad i have opened myself up to plenty of people to keep me on the right track even if i do slip a little. I accept no one is perfect, and this journey is hard, so yes! I am back on the saddle, im back on for this ride to get my life back.

[ariley13]

Almost every single one of us has been there with the slip ups and relapses. It's part of the process. You are doing great. I know how hard it is to not only go through the hell that is detox, but also have stress and emotional baggage while you're doing it. Just look at this as a learning experience. As long as you are able to gain some wisdom from the mistake, it's not a mistake. Just keep moving forward. You can do this!

[Merri123]

Yep and now you pick yourself up and start again. Day 1 girl!! You learned a lesson.

Throw away the rest of it now please. Get to meetings. Pray. Read. No more excuses. We will find anyway to justify why we took something. Anything. And convince ourselves it is ok.

Not anymore. Do it for you. Do it for your fiancé. Do it for your future.

[qwerty9090]

I really like how you said "I cant, but WE CAN". You really can not do this fight alone, you will lose. It makes you be open if it is something you really want to do. I am learning you can not change people or situation so you have to adjust yourself. I learned that evolving into a woman, but now i need to learn to do it sober. Need to learn to live my life soberly.
  
I think i havent sought after NA's or AA's because it makes it so surreal. Both my parents are addicts of harsher things most of all my young and teen life so I just never thought I would end up in the same spot even if it is for something different. I need to accept it, just not sure when I will.

[qwerty9090]

aww man! do i really gotta count it as day 1 all over again? :/ lol

[Merri123]

You know though that 2 mg may not put you into huge wds. No worse than before right. And you are right, you can deal with problems sober. And you will find it is not all that hard. In fact you will make better decisions sober.

You're ok. We have all done it. We wouldn't be here if quitting and wd were easy right? Just a bump in the road.

[Bigdaddy1313]

Hey, I read your posts here but I have not read the other folks post. I will do that after I finish here. You are not starting over! You messed up and caved. No Big Deal. What would be a big deal is if you would have said "Well I just took 2mg and so I might as well take 80mg more. You made a mistake. It was just a bump in the road. IMO You still have all your time minus just a few hours that the 2mg went through your system. Your body is STARVING for opiates so IMO your body ate those 2mg up like a shark who has not eaten in two weeks and just ate a hot dog that someone dropped off their boat. Put that mistake in the past. Just don't use that as an excuse to take anymore. It will become a viscous cycle real quickly.

[qpatty]

I'll hang in there if you will. Let's do this thing together. Let's both be success stories and stay here and help others join us.

[Bigdaddy1313]

You are showing your true character. Failure Isn't Falling Down Its Staying Down and you are standing up getting back in the fight. Please keep fighting. I think I said this before but if I could take the physical WD's away from you and put them on me for a few hours each day so you could get some real rest I would and I would bet a ton of folks here would jump in and do the same if they knew that by doing so you would get your life back. The addicted girl needs to die so that the real you can come back and live a happy, happy life. Keep posting and keep fighting. You can do this!!!!!

[Bigdaddy1313]

Thanks for posting back. I'm glad you are still moving forward. You are Awesome!

[Bigdaddy1313]

You need to know that you are helping me as much as I am helping you. You are making me stronger by me witnessing your strength. 16 months sober and I have to take steps forward every day. If I stand still I will ultimately step backwards so thank you for helping me step forward with my own sobriety.

[Bigdaddy1313]

Sorry I am not trying to dominate this board but you said something that I wanted to comment on. You said both your parents were addicts. It has been medically proven that their is an addiction gene that can make you more susceptible to addiction. Your parents could pass that gene down to you. I'm not saying that if this is the case you will be an addict no matter what but it plays a big role. When I was 7 years old my brother Craig was 19 years old and lived away from home with friends. He started with pot and worked his way to LSD and everything in-between. He got so messed up he didn't think there was a way out and he drove his car out of state to a little town in Wyoming and put a shotgun to his head and pulled the trigger. I was pretty young and since he didn't live at home I really didn't know him but I wish I could tell him now there is a way out. Life is worth living and he doesn't need drugs to be happy. Sorry not trying to bring anyone down Qwerty you are doing the right thing for the right reasons. Sorry for so many posts but I hate those posts that are really, really long.

[qwerty9090]

I'm doing girl, I'm doing it. We are going to do it together. I find going to the gym mixed with melatonin and talking is taking the cravings away. I find myself not really craving it but wanting it bc its routine. What are you doing to cope?

[qpatty]

unfortunately not coping real well at the moment. But not giving up either. It has been raining and freezing where I live and it has made it sooo much harder. Feeling like a caged animal with no one to talk to. Going to a NA meeting for the first time tonight. It normally wouldn't be my thing but I am at the point where I know if I don't get help I'm gonna cave and Lord I don't want to do that.

[qwerty9090]

I like the post that are really long, it gives me something to read to help me through, to help me keep pushing. Sorry to hear about your brother, and probably if he had the help things would have been different, but what I like is how you can and are helping others. And i love your analogies to the opiates and bits of food to animals lol that exactly how it is. Gotta train our bodies and mind and to function happily with the unnecessary bs.

[Bones216]

hows it going lady? Ive been thinking about you?