Lose yourself

[Tina6444]

To all of those who are fighting a daily battle with yourself…. You are not alone in this fight. I am still fighting but it remains mentally tough. I am further than I ever have been but yes it is difficult. Internally my mind wages a war against this addiction while externally I put on a brave face.  You all know what I mean.

I am posting to hopefully describe to some degree what has helped the absolute most in this fight.

I am going to attempt to describe how I feel during my most bright areas of my day and what I do to achieve this.

I begin on walking on a treadmill going at a relatively slow pace thinking god I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life.
My muscles are not firing and feel like dead weights sinking me to the bottom of an ocean. I want to cry with the  anxiety and regular stressors of my day.

I begin to blast my music to whatever tunes that inspire me for the day (sometimes Katy Perry though my new favorite is Breaking Benjamin). It depends and changes just as my freaking crazy self does hourly.
Not to sound cliche but I seriously lose myself in the music… find something YOU can relate to or connect to and think of only the music.

I begin to channel all my frustration, anger, aggression, anxiety towards walking faster…faster…faster until I am sprinting. Yes I know this is not attainable for all of the ppl with pain (what got most of us here anyway) but a fast walk is still activity and beneficial.
I am so connected to the music that I forget about feeling so terrible. I forget about feeling "abnormal" for a little bit.  I honestly lose myself so entirely sometimes that I get goosebumps from the rush. No not just the withdrawal goosebumps ya'll :)))

And the endorphin rush is nothing short of amazing folks. This is how we begin to repair our vulnerable and unprotected brains (along with the dreaded time aspect).
I never had that kind of workout on pills.
This wonderful incredible life changing experience lasted until I walked into the locker room and realized I did not remember my combination:) LOL  and then comes the anxiety again. But bottom line it did go away for awhile and I am a huge proponent of exercise!   Love to you all my posse and 3 Musketeers!  

[Tina6444]

Charlie! I hope you have a GREAT day today my man! Enjoy this freedom!

[Tina6444]

Oh friend:( My deepest sympathies. You are so very strong !

Have a great day today. I am going to the gym and jumpstart some endorphins:)

[Nomore2]

Thanks, Tina. My daughter was only 25 when she died in a car accident. I miss her every day! Have a good day today, my friend!

[Tina6444]

I didn't know about your daughter nomore2. I am so sorry to hear that. I would most definitely think that would help in a time like that.

I don't think I can do anymore Paxil. yuck.   My MD just sent me a message back that yes those are typical side effects and to wait til the GI stuff subsides then start again. And call Monday if it happens again. YEAH RIGHT LOL!!!

You know don't feel bad at all about taking an anti inflammatory girl!! Seriously that is amazing you can do with just that after your surgery and your crazy intense workouts lol. I would need a morphine drip after one of your workouts Lol. Don't I wish:)
I know we must give our brains time to heal. But I am sooooo impatient!! I am stocking up on the natural mood boosters tomorrow:).

[Tina6444]

I know I need something gnarly; I have been on the fence about this for awhile.  Do you think one on one counseling could work for me? I am truly considering the NA after the week I've had. It is worth a shot you are right. Thank you for your advice and suggestions. I am interested to hear how it goes for our new friend tonight!

[Nomore2]

My doctor prescribed Zoloft for me last year after my surgery when I was so depressed because I was having so much pain and they couldn't figure out why. I took it for a week and had to quit taking it. I had the same kind of reaction to it that you did to Paxil. I also took Wellbutrin for about 2 months after my daughter died (that was 12 years ago). It seemed to help me at the time. I don't remember having any bad reaction to it. So, it might be a matter of finding the right one. However, I'm inclined to agree with VIC. We need time for our brains to get back to normal. I know I would like to be able to not take anything anymore! But, I still need that anti-inflammatory for my darned arthritis! That is the only prescription drug I take. It works better than the Norco ever did.
Goblin, I remember waking up one morning during my w/d and hearing a bird singing outside my window. It was awesome! It just gets better and better most days. Sometimes it is two steps forward, one step back. But, it's still forward! Tomorrow will be one month for me. Woo hoo. I need to celebrate.

[gnarly_1]

Hi Tina ....been following the 3 of you and you asked a question that asked will I always desire these pills....the answer is no if your will ing to try N/A it wont happen over night but with time and working the steps the desire to use will go away  I dont remember when it happened it is suttle but I have lost the very desire to use....something I thought was impossible  I was one that craved to get over a stressful day  craved to get celabrate a good day  craved that sleepy noding narcotic buzz  and it was a obsession for me  today I get a craving once in a wile  and it is usually short lived no longer like it was  it is one of the main reasons I suggest N/A to everyone  if it will work for a old dope fiend like me it will work for everyone  try to get over the apprehension and fear of going  trust me you will feel right at home  with what has been going on with your recovery you could really benefit from a safe place to share with people that are going to understand  after a wile you start to learn the names and make new clean friends  it is a lot more then just a meeting  I look forward to hearing from you after you attend one  it is always worth a shot..........Gnarly

[Tina6444]

Yes Vic I am inclined to agree with you on that one. Okay I will try the Sam E and anything else you suggest (L tyrosine help any?). Contacted my MD and stated I am a little worried about taking another one of those.  I know I need to be patient with my brain as I have chemically screwed it up but oh how I wish it were normal now:) I guess I have to accept both the extreme highs and lows of this process still.

Welcome Goblin!! It is pretty cool to have those spiritual experiences! Hold onto them in weak moments!!

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

My job IS to make you smile. Hope you're doing better. Monitor all side effects with the Paxil. Don't know if there is a break in therapeutic level issue involved like VI mentioned. I would stay in touch with DR. office and see what they say. Don't do anything to affect your recovery. Always love.

Goblin, welcome. If this pack of crazy folks can do this, so can you. Glad you are hearing the birds. You'll start feeling different things as well. Every day is not going to be great, but you can and will get through this if you want to. hang in there, post and let us know how we can help.

[Goblin666]

I am starting day three and am realizing how blunted I have been...  I was walking to work today and heard a single bird chirping.  I focused in on it and then I heard another, and another, and another until all I could hear was the songs of the birds.  It was a pretty spiritual experience for me.  Reminds me how important this is if I want to truly enjoy my life.  Just try to stop and listen.  I'm going ot hit the treadmill this weekend!

[VICourageous]

Yes some of those types of meds will do this. Sometimes you have to try a few and see how it goes. Most of them take weeks to kick in or adjust right.
How about trying some Sam-E or the natural mood enhancers.

Also just know that it does take many, many months for your Brain Chems to adjust after using mind-altering substances. Maybe just give your Brain a break and let it heal..(Just my opinion).

Congrats on your hard earn time so far.
Bless

[Tina6444]

Charlie you make me smile

So I took my first Paxil for anti depressant /anxiety last night and I had some really bad side effects. Does anyone have experience with this?  Felt like I had a lump in throat , burping , heartburn, insomnia,  hands shaking, nausea , and this am I vomited.  Good god I feel like I just ingested poison      I might take my mood disorders over that.  Guys any thoughts?

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

You, my friend are an absolute ROCK STAR!!! You are A #1, TOP OF THE HEAP, KING OF THE HILL!. You are, have been, and will continue to be an awesome leader. Thank you.

[Tina6444]

Charlie ----You are destined to be an inspiring leader my friend. I am so proud of you !!!!! 30 days buddy!!!!!!!!! Those weird anxiety filled urges are going to go away eventually but man they suck!!!

[Tina6444]

Oh nomore I just got goosebumps reading that!! And this sick excited pit in my stomach for refills lol. sick.
I am so proud of you not checking that box!!!!!!!!!!! It would have been so easy but then you would have been back here to day 1 not too long from now.  We know deep down its a vicious cycle that has to be broken.  But that desire can seriously come out of the blue!  It's scary to think of all the hard work we have put in going down the drain out of 1 moment of weakness (or for me lots of moments of weakness).  I am so proud of you my wonderful friend:). It feels good to say no. I love Jlannspr's quote " Do you have the power to let go of the power?". You DO!!

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Hello, angels. Day 26 down working on 27. Yeah!!! And you two are fantastic. Not ordering online and telling your doctors NO.   WOW!!!! Would you believe we were going to do that just 4 short weeks ago. Everyone needs and deserves a support system like we have set up here. God knows it helps to get through these rough days. Don't know where I would be without the POSSE!!!

Back to my day, I did pretty good. Still having some anxiety and urges. Handling pretty good and getting really excited to hit the 30 day mark Monday. Been very involved with NA and AA meetings, just got back from a big one, and that has really helped me to focus with some real live people
who are dealing with this addiction and illness every day like us. Church activities are helping a good deal as well.

Also still drinking lots of water, working out 3- 4 times a week, and walking the legs off my little dog every day; sometimes twice a day. Relapsed briefly on my smoking for 2 days and then just stopped again. Only had a few, but still don't know why I started or stopped. All good though. One day at a time. I have learned that I cannot deal with tomorrow or next week today. I can only pray and let God walk me through just this day. And it's working and getting better.

To anyone starting this journey, know this. It has been one of the toughest decisions of my life to stop this horrible addiction to pills. It turned out to be one of the toughest things physically I have ever done. No, it didn't kill me. It won't kill you. But it may make you feel like it will. It won't. But don't try to do this alone. Reach out and grab the help that is here. Reach out to your family and your doctors. Be honest with them and yourself. And once you start, don't turn back. You can do this and you will love the freedom that we are just now starting to enjoy. Live, Laugh, and Love.

JUST FOR TODAY!!!!

[Nomore2]

I forgot to mention that I went online yesterday to order a refill on the anti-inflammatory medicine I take and it had a list of my current and past medications there. Well, of course, Norco was at the top of the list. It said last refill was April 28 and that it was available for refill. I always ordered it online and then I would go pick up the hard copy from my doctor to have it refilled. Oh, my. I was so tempted. It hit me out of the blue! It would have been so easy to just check that little box. God, I used to count the days until I could have another refill! Anyway, I didn't do it. But, wow.

[Nomore2]

Thanks for the link. Interesting. I hope it works! Congrats on a month! You are doing so good. I know the mental part is hard. Anxiety just makes everything worse. I think all the physical exercise I am doing right now really helps me with that. It's one of the perks of being retired. I have the time to devote to myself. I took an awesome yoga class yesterday. It really helps to calm me. So, I am right behind you! Almost a month. We are doing great. One day at a time.....

[Tina6444]

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/07/150706114133.htm

I don't know if it's for me but maybe it will help treat my anxiety, panic attacks, and help me sleep? Maybe give me some strategies to cope that don't involve taking pills.  
Anyone have any experience with this?
I haven't taken the paxil yet; I am worried about possible side effects during the day. We will see how the day goes.

[Nomore2]

Btw, what is cognitive behavior therapy?

[Nomore2]

I knew you could do it. You want it too bad. I know what you mean about leaving empty handed. I always looked forward to that doctor appt! There is a part of me that misses the euphoria I got from the pills. But, then I remember how I would abuse them, Have to take more and more to get that rush and then just be numb. That's no way to live. I'm proud of you, girl!

[Tina6444]

I am going to try CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) next week and possibly start this paxil. But most importantly I will stop moping around and get back to my more strong self.  I really sucked this week.  New post tomorrow…new attitude:) And I am still ahead of you by two days only because of your support friend.

[Tina6444]

How are you today charlie man?

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Way to go!!! I am so proud of you and us.