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Loving an adict

I think I'm being pulled to the end of my rope, trying to refocus and decide how best to survive. I know I'm supposed to take care of myself first, but neither do I want to just walk away from him.
My BF is an addict. He used heroin and Oxycontin for almost 2 decades, but following several arrests and many rehabs, he's been clean for almost 2 years. He is however using 4mg xanex (prescribed for 1 mg) a day (which means he's also having to stay connected to people who can get him the extra pills) and I know he struggles every day with wanting to use again. The stress of daily life has increased with every passing week that he's been unemployed. The addiction itself doesn't bother me, I'm in love with the person. He warned me before we met that this was a part of him, and I was and am willing to work with it.
When he's happy, he is the most generous and thoughtful person I know. There is no one I would rather be around. He's witty, savvy, damn sexy, and he dedicates himself to helping other people in pain as a way of repaying karma.
But when he's not, it's like I'm talking to a completely different person. He's angry and accusatory, but what hurts the most is the withdrawing. He just stops talking and hides from the world.
I know I can't fix him, but I'm not sure anymore where supporting him and being there stops, and hurting myself by pursuing him begins. He doesn't NEED me, I am not responsible for his happiness, I know this. But on the other hand, I want to be there. I want to share my life with that wonderful person I know he is. I'm just lost on how to get there. It feels like I only have two options, sit and wait until he hits bottom (inevitably putting myself in the line of fire) and then rebounds and apologizes (maybe), or walk and hope he can help himself. I'm posting because I want another option I'm not seeing, and maybe because it's just therapeutic to write. I love the guy, but it's tearing me to bits. Some days I'm not even sure we're in a relationship, and then he's sweeter than sugar and I think I've been a fool to doubt him. The ups and downs of a bipolar relationship, I'm getting seasick.
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Avatar universal
Welcome to the forum.. I really do not have a lot of advice to offer as it seems you know what you are in for.. You honestly just described most of us addicts that are in a relationship.. I can say for both of you.. Nothing changes if nothing changes.. I wish you peace of mind as you have to rely on yourself for this.. for his emotions are driven by the meds and there availability.. wish I had more to offer.. I wish you well.. lesa
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Avatar universal
Thank you for the welcome Lesa. Always nice to hear you're not alone.
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Avatar universal
No you are not alone.. my Husband has loved me for over 28 years.. his life has not always been easy and I'm sure at times he wished he was anywhere but by me.. He stuck it out thank goodness but the price he paid emotionally only he really knows..I do know the price I had paid it was extreme and difficult.. getting clean I had almost lost myself and in the process my family's respect and placed such fear I will never know for certain how it had changed them..  I will say a prayer that your trials are not as long and hard as my husband and children's were.. spoken with warmth...
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