My addiction is always going to have control over me.

[NoOC123]

  I've been using about 300mg of oxycontin a day and im a small 20 year old girl. I've got that feeling of frustration, like you just want to throw your hands up in the air and say "F-u-c-k it"Been to rehabs, been to AA, cold turkeyed millions of times, tried suboxone detoxes, But i always end up back on oxycontin. I don't have anyone to blame but myself, some days its like im up above watching myself going through the motions of my life. I see myself come to each decision, each fork in the road, and then I watch myself make the bad decision, knowing its wrong, but making some excuse to justify it. I can see myself doing all the things that people told me will happen if I stay down this road, pushing away people that care about me,spending all my money, all my time, it becomes the only thing I care about. Ive got no control, everyday i've said okay this is the last time I will do it, and hte next morning I wake up in the worst wirthdawals and go buy more. SPend about 300 dollars a day as well. I feel hopeless. Im trying to stop again, but im trying on my own, and It's like i know this will end with me going back to using but somehow ive convinced myself in my mind that this time will be different. It's like my disease is literally controlling my using and my so called attempts at recovery. Im so mad at myself so mad at this disease, I hate the pain I cause others, I feel like im in so deep, I wish I could just step back and let go of everthing. I just want to slow down and enjoy my life and make decisions based on my true desires not around where the drugs are, when I can get them, where theyre the cheapest. I want to just enjoy each day and the people in my life and appreciate all that I have and all the people I love that i'm letting slip away now, by stealing money from them, lying to them and myself, only caring about getting to my dealer as fast as possible to stop the withdrawals. Ive got two voices in my head, one that writes this begging for help, telling myself everyday im doing the wrong thing, I shouldnt smoke that pill, I shouldnt spend that money, but all it takes is one milli-second for the other voice to chime in, the addict voice, and the games over, before I can even stop myself im half way to my dealers house.

That was a long rant, I just want to know to anyone out there that has been in this cycle for so long, and everything seems impossible and hopeless and far away, how'd you finally get out for good?? Whatd u do that was different.

[NoOC123]

Hey, thanks for the response. I feel like every part of my body is in pain, sweating, nauseas, depressed, hot and cold, all of it, but I am used to that I know exactly what I will feel, this is probably my 25th time detoxing. But i've been through it so much that it's not the physical part that scares me as much, its the mental-the depression, anxiety, cravings, that go on for weeks sometimes longer, that always gets me. But im just taking it a day at a time and just trying not to use today.

[LeaAnn807]

Hey, congrats on your second day!  That's something, ya know??  You're almost there as far as the physical stuff.  I definitely know what you've been though.  I had tried a million times, a million different ways and never stayed clean!  You have to SO have your mind made up.  That is the only way!  

How are you feeling today?  Pretty rough?

[NoOC123]

Thanks for your response I will look at some of those alternatives. I am just going to take each day at a time, its my second day sober which isnt much but the longest ive had in a little while. Thnx.

[hellc@mst]

Hi there. I can really empathise with your frustrations. Like you, I also tried all the 'traditional recovery modalities"shilled by the lucrative recovery industries to no avail. I found that the whole "addiction as a disease" premise counter intuitive and unproductive (for me) and was unable to make progress untill I admitted that I was responsible for my drug use and that I was the only person who had the power to eschew narcotic consumption.

I suggest you read Proff Stanton Peeles "The Truth About Addiction and Recovery",
"7 Tools to Beat Addiction" and "The Meaning of Addiction". All 3 books are extremely compelling and helped to reaffirm my own burgeoning belief that I was responsible for my own recovery and noone or no-thing could do it for me.

The following list is of some evidence based therapies that I did not see listed in your impressive resúmé of previously unsuccessfull treatments. Afterall, isn't the definition of insanity doing the same stuff over and over again expecting different results. Based on your own accounts, I suggest you try something completely different to what has already filed you once before.

-SMART: Self Management And Recovery Training.
http://www.smartrecovery.org/
Rational, sane, common-sense recovery techniques. Based on Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, the brainchild of Dr. Albert Ellis.
SMART online chat groups, http://smartrecovery.infopop.cc/paraentry.php, and
SMART message boards, http://smartrecovery.infopop.cc/eve/ubb.x

-WFS( women for sobriety) http://www.womenforsobriety.org/news_conferences/chat.html

-SOS, Secular Organizations for Sobriety, a.k.a. "Save Our Selves".
SOS is an alternative recovery method for those alcoholics or drug addicts who are uncomfortable with the spiritual or superstitious content of widely available 12-Step programs.
Another web site: http://www.sos-rochester.org/

LifeRing Secular Recovery (LSR)
LifeRing provides live, online meetings on the Internet, and they are also starting meeting groups in various cities.
http://www.unhooked.com/chat/Chat.html

Rational Recovery
http://www.rational.org/

Harm reduction, Abstinence, and Moderation Support (HAMS)
http://hamsnetwork.org
HAMS is peer-led and free of charge. HAMS offers information and support via a chat room, an email group, and live meetings — as well is the articles on this web site.
http://hamsnetwork.org/chat == chat room
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/hamshrn == email group
http://hamsnetwork.org/live == live meetings


                    I wish you all the best. Kind regards Jeremy( ex addict)
                              3 years 6 months drug and alcohol free.