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My bf is a cop, I have relapsed, I'm living a lie and I need SOMEONE to talk to.

Hello, I discovered this website, by chance, and I believe it was fate. 10 minutes ago I closed my eyes and prayed, and the next thing I know, I am here. I'm not even sure this is what I'm supposed to do, or where I'm supposed to post, but I just need SOMEONE to talk to. I have no one in my life I can be open with, as I am living a lie. 5 years ago I became addicted to Roxicodone. I grew up in a home with a police officer, which was a great source of inspiration for me, he was an incredible role model. When I was 22 I discovered the roxys, and became hooked. When my mother passed away 2 years later, I decided to check myself into rehab. Which went great. A year later I met the man of my dreams, he too was a police officer! I thought to myself, now I have a REASON to stay clean, someone to motivate me, because obviously, I can't have him, AND the drugs. I told him all about my past and he accepted me. He is hands down the most incredible human being to walk the earth, the moment he wakes up, his goal is to make me happy. I don't deserve him. He fell in love with the clean sober happy me. 6 months into the relationship, I relapsed, for a few months. I broke down and told him- he got down on his knees, prayed, and asked me to chose, and of course I chose him. I remained clean for a month, and when I was drunk at a party, upset because id just recieved word my father is now dying as well. I let my best friend inject me with dilaudid. And for anyone who has done this, the amazing rush you get isn't easy to forget. So like the idiot I am, I let the drugs take ahold of me. And for the last year, I have been doing dilaudid. I have tried to quit so many times, but I know, if I tell him, he will leave me, my life will be over, I will have nothing. And it's pretty much impossible to secretly detox in the house with a cop, which is why it's been IMPOSSIBLE for me to stop. It's to the point where I feel like I am too far gone, I FORGET what it's like to live without them. Every morning I open my eyes, my first thought is to end my life, i constantly think of ending my life, and how i will do it, because the guilt and realization of what I have been doing hits me at once. This was not the plan, this was not how things were supposed to go, i cant believe i ended up in this situation. I know deep down I am a great person, in there somewhere. I put on a happy face everywhere I go, but I am dying inside. I CANNOT tell him, because he is a gift from heaven, he will be heartbroken, he loves me more than life itself and it will KILL HIM. I want to be with him forever, I will never be loved more or better than he loves me. We just bought a house, and I want to start living a happy life, and garden, and be the happy go lucky full of life person he fell in love with.  I am lost. What I really need now, is someone, just one person, that I can talk to, who can support me and give me words of encouragement. I am on day 4 of no drugs, and every minute is a struggle. I know everyone who is reading this probably thinks I am a heartless person, and while that's not true, I do have a heart, I have to agree that I am a horrible person, making horrible decisions. I have began taking the steps to get clean, while 4 days doesn't sound like much, it's a start. Even if nothing comes of this post, no one responds, or I get mean responses, that's ok, because I already feel so much better, relieving some of the stress of my chest. I am sorry this is so long, I hope this website is what I think it is, a place of support. I have NO ONE ELSE. And I feel sad and alone. Smiling and kissing my boyfriend, pretending like everything is ok is so hard, but I do it, every minute of everyday. I hope this is the start of the end of these things for me, and if anyone who has been through it or is going through it would like to join me, it would mean the world. Thank you again so much for listening, it means more than you know!
Best Answer
Avatar universal
First off, you are in the right place, you are not heartless, and nobody will judge you hear. Many of us here have lived a lie. It's embarrassing and we beat ourselves up over it. 4 days is a huge accomplishment, especially in your situation. I hope you have cut your sources. Can you go to an NA meeting? You have relapsed a couple times, just like many of us, so you need some kind of support. Maybe you can tell your man that you are feeling those old feelings and want to get support at a meeting. I say it all the time, addicts are some of the most tolerant, loving, generous people on the plant. That's why so many of us escape from this messed up world or some traumas in our lives. I just want to let you know that you are on the right track and will get your life back. You will get a lot more response in the morning. Keep praying and holding onto your God, nothing can defeat you with His help. Welcome to our community, please keep posting.
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Avatar universal
I'm guessing you're in the middle of the worst of it. It will get better soon.  I came on here and posted the exact same cry for help a month ago. at my peak, I was crying and sad, depressed for everyone I had lied to, hurt and hid from. A few words of encouragement from the people here propelled me through the next few hours. Again I came back on here begging for someone to tell me it was going to be alright. They did. And I made it a few more hours. Eventually my wife and son would get home from work, and I was able to collect myself enough to get through the night. The next day was better than before. And each day has gotten better than the last. Feel free to come on here and cry, beg and plead. We've all been in your shoes and know exactly how you feel. It feels like the worst, but if you decide to give in and use again you have to go through this all over again. every minute you make it now is a minute of hell you will never have to repeat.
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Avatar universal
And everyone's comments are the only thing saving me. So thank you all
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Avatar universal
I keep coming back here because I feel like I'm losing my mind, it's racing and I would honestly rather die than feel like this. I can't imagine moving around and showering. I am shaking and crying. Part of my brain says go get some stuff you will feel better, but I know that will just prolong my pain. N I know I should get outta bed, but I can't aaaaaaaahhhhhhhggg
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3225128 tn?1347133998
Hi Teej ,  All normal W/D that everyone goes thru . Its ok to cry its your emotions trying to deal with life without the drugs .
The tired , no energy , no sleep , upset tummy , body aches & pains & crying are all going to ease soon ,
Go hour by hour , Stay 100% positive , Make yourself Move around , do little easy things to pass the time . Post &  vent its ok , it passes time.
It is really our choice . Be proud of yourself every day you CHOSE to NOT take drugs .
Next week you will post a different happier you getting better every day , it will happen ......... Ron
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Avatar universal
Insomnia is a top complaint, most of us have been there. I thought I was losing it, but it was worth it. What you are experiencing is completely normal. Sarah is right, the more you move around, no matter how hard it seems, the better you will feel. Just a slow walk, swim, and even stretching. You are getting better no matter how it feels. Keep you eyes on the prize and keep us posted.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey there. I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated. Just so you know, you're right on schedule. Don't panic and live one minute at a time. I remember being so uncomfortable in bed or on my couch. I couldn't focus on tv, music, life. I couldn't believe how my body just stopped regulating my own temperature. sweating, freezing, shivers, and clammy skin. it was horrible. I thought, how can possibly be so exhausted and not fall asleep? Just know what you're feeling is part of the process. You will hit a peak of this craziness and then you will start feeling better. Just when you think you can't stand it you will have a moment of clarity and realize that it will get better. Don't worry about tomorrow, or the next day, just take care of the next few minutes at a time. Soon you will be able to tackle hours at a time and before you know it you can approach an entire day. For now just know it WILL get better. If this old guy can make it this far, I'm sure a young strong women like yourself can win this battle. You are doing well, be proud and strong. You will be so happy soon.

Take care of yourself as best as you can.

Bad Co
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