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Avatar universal

My bf is a cop, I have relapsed, I'm living a lie and I need SOMEONE to talk to.

Hello, I discovered this website, by chance, and I believe it was fate. 10 minutes ago I closed my eyes and prayed, and the next thing I know, I am here. I'm not even sure this is what I'm supposed to do, or where I'm supposed to post, but I just need SOMEONE to talk to. I have no one in my life I can be open with, as I am living a lie. 5 years ago I became addicted to Roxicodone. I grew up in a home with a police officer, which was a great source of inspiration for me, he was an incredible role model. When I was 22 I discovered the roxys, and became hooked. When my mother passed away 2 years later, I decided to check myself into rehab. Which went great. A year later I met the man of my dreams, he too was a police officer! I thought to myself, now I have a REASON to stay clean, someone to motivate me, because obviously, I can't have him, AND the drugs. I told him all about my past and he accepted me. He is hands down the most incredible human being to walk the earth, the moment he wakes up, his goal is to make me happy. I don't deserve him. He fell in love with the clean sober happy me. 6 months into the relationship, I relapsed, for a few months. I broke down and told him- he got down on his knees, prayed, and asked me to chose, and of course I chose him. I remained clean for a month, and when I was drunk at a party, upset because id just recieved word my father is now dying as well. I let my best friend inject me with dilaudid. And for anyone who has done this, the amazing rush you get isn't easy to forget. So like the idiot I am, I let the drugs take ahold of me. And for the last year, I have been doing dilaudid. I have tried to quit so many times, but I know, if I tell him, he will leave me, my life will be over, I will have nothing. And it's pretty much impossible to secretly detox in the house with a cop, which is why it's been IMPOSSIBLE for me to stop. It's to the point where I feel like I am too far gone, I FORGET what it's like to live without them. Every morning I open my eyes, my first thought is to end my life, i constantly think of ending my life, and how i will do it, because the guilt and realization of what I have been doing hits me at once. This was not the plan, this was not how things were supposed to go, i cant believe i ended up in this situation. I know deep down I am a great person, in there somewhere. I put on a happy face everywhere I go, but I am dying inside. I CANNOT tell him, because he is a gift from heaven, he will be heartbroken, he loves me more than life itself and it will KILL HIM. I want to be with him forever, I will never be loved more or better than he loves me. We just bought a house, and I want to start living a happy life, and garden, and be the happy go lucky full of life person he fell in love with.  I am lost. What I really need now, is someone, just one person, that I can talk to, who can support me and give me words of encouragement. I am on day 4 of no drugs, and every minute is a struggle. I know everyone who is reading this probably thinks I am a heartless person, and while that's not true, I do have a heart, I have to agree that I am a horrible person, making horrible decisions. I have began taking the steps to get clean, while 4 days doesn't sound like much, it's a start. Even if nothing comes of this post, no one responds, or I get mean responses, that's ok, because I already feel so much better, relieving some of the stress of my chest. I am sorry this is so long, I hope this website is what I think it is, a place of support. I have NO ONE ELSE. And I feel sad and alone. Smiling and kissing my boyfriend, pretending like everything is ok is so hard, but I do it, every minute of everyday. I hope this is the start of the end of these things for me, and if anyone who has been through it or is going through it would like to join me, it would mean the world. Thank you again so much for listening, it means more than you know!
Best Answer
Avatar universal
First off, you are in the right place, you are not heartless, and nobody will judge you hear. Many of us here have lived a lie. It's embarrassing and we beat ourselves up over it. 4 days is a huge accomplishment, especially in your situation. I hope you have cut your sources. Can you go to an NA meeting? You have relapsed a couple times, just like many of us, so you need some kind of support. Maybe you can tell your man that you are feeling those old feelings and want to get support at a meeting. I say it all the time, addicts are some of the most tolerant, loving, generous people on the plant. That's why so many of us escape from this messed up world or some traumas in our lives. I just want to let you know that you are on the right track and will get your life back. You will get a lot more response in the morning. Keep praying and holding onto your God, nothing can defeat you with His help. Welcome to our community, please keep posting.
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Avatar universal
"Hello, I discovered this website, by chance, and I believe it was fate." You said it. Let us know how you are doing, no matter what happened. If you are sick, if you used, doesn't matter, don't leave us wondering how you are? A couple words will do. I'm high, I'm okay, anything, just stay with us. When people get their blood levels down and then use what they used to is when people overdose, please keep us posted.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
How are you feeling and what are you thinking today? The lack of sleep and sick starts to play tricks with your mind. Stay with us and keep posting.
Helpful - 0
4149717 tn?1389503561
Hi Teej! I know your struggling now emotionally and from first hand experience, I know how devestating Cancer can be to a family, but like some others have said it is a trigger, but you have to fight it! DONT let it win. It was my last trigger when I was clean, I gave in and my addiction spiraled drastically out of control! Your father needs you more now than ever, and needs a SOBER you.

Stay strong and keep fighting! Your doing great!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You need to remember that addiction is a chronic recurring illness. Your man sounds awesome and you need to trust in the relationship and the bond that you have. You clearly don't want the drugs in your life anymore and you clearly want him. I suggest to come clean. I have NEVER heard of anyone saying "I am glad I kept that hidden" or anything like it. Good luck and you have my complete empathy. I lived a lie for so long in a similar position to you and I lost everything. I just wish I had turned to my partner. Mail me anytime if you need to talk
Helpful - 0
4058337 tn?1351046153
I read your post this morning and you have been in my thoughts ever since.  I didn't have the state of mind to read through everyone's comments but I am so glad to see you getting such a good response from everyone.  You are an addict but definitely not a bad person honey.  In fact I think addicts are usually very good people that have a very hard time dealing with bad things so we self medicate.  It sounds like your husband really is a great guy and if he fell in love you then he must see something equally great in you.  I am only on day 4 so I can't really claim to be able to give great advice right now.  I will just say that I believe you can do it.  Congratulate yourself for every thought you have that is anti-drugs instead of beating yourself up over the drug seeking, addict thoughts.  I am figuring out that those take "training" to get to shut up.  :)
Helpful - 0
954005 tn?1304626605
I know how you are feeling....about not wanting to tell your boyfriend....the worry and shame.  I was the same way.  I just want you to think about talking to him...or somebody else who is close? But if he is your best friend, think about it.  It was so hard, but when i told my husband, it was like the weight of the world on my shoulders was lifted.  It was such a huge difference to have his love and support.  Especially with this new development of your father being ill....it is a lot for you to deal with alone.  I was only able to begin dealing with my addiction wholeheartedly after I opened up about it to my family.  It really helped so much to not have to keep that secret any more.  You need support from your loved ones, so please think about talking to your boyfriend.
You are doing so well... you have reached out here, and have gotten some great advice and support...you are moving in the right direction:)
Helpful - 0
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