Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

My bf is a cop, I have relapsed, I'm living a lie and I need SOMEONE to talk to.

Hello, I discovered this website, by chance, and I believe it was fate. 10 minutes ago I closed my eyes and prayed, and the next thing I know, I am here. I'm not even sure this is what I'm supposed to do, or where I'm supposed to post, but I just need SOMEONE to talk to. I have no one in my life I can be open with, as I am living a lie. 5 years ago I became addicted to Roxicodone. I grew up in a home with a police officer, which was a great source of inspiration for me, he was an incredible role model. When I was 22 I discovered the roxys, and became hooked. When my mother passed away 2 years later, I decided to check myself into rehab. Which went great. A year later I met the man of my dreams, he too was a police officer! I thought to myself, now I have a REASON to stay clean, someone to motivate me, because obviously, I can't have him, AND the drugs. I told him all about my past and he accepted me. He is hands down the most incredible human being to walk the earth, the moment he wakes up, his goal is to make me happy. I don't deserve him. He fell in love with the clean sober happy me. 6 months into the relationship, I relapsed, for a few months. I broke down and told him- he got down on his knees, prayed, and asked me to chose, and of course I chose him. I remained clean for a month, and when I was drunk at a party, upset because id just recieved word my father is now dying as well. I let my best friend inject me with dilaudid. And for anyone who has done this, the amazing rush you get isn't easy to forget. So like the idiot I am, I let the drugs take ahold of me. And for the last year, I have been doing dilaudid. I have tried to quit so many times, but I know, if I tell him, he will leave me, my life will be over, I will have nothing. And it's pretty much impossible to secretly detox in the house with a cop, which is why it's been IMPOSSIBLE for me to stop. It's to the point where I feel like I am too far gone, I FORGET what it's like to live without them. Every morning I open my eyes, my first thought is to end my life, i constantly think of ending my life, and how i will do it, because the guilt and realization of what I have been doing hits me at once. This was not the plan, this was not how things were supposed to go, i cant believe i ended up in this situation. I know deep down I am a great person, in there somewhere. I put on a happy face everywhere I go, but I am dying inside. I CANNOT tell him, because he is a gift from heaven, he will be heartbroken, he loves me more than life itself and it will KILL HIM. I want to be with him forever, I will never be loved more or better than he loves me. We just bought a house, and I want to start living a happy life, and garden, and be the happy go lucky full of life person he fell in love with.  I am lost. What I really need now, is someone, just one person, that I can talk to, who can support me and give me words of encouragement. I am on day 4 of no drugs, and every minute is a struggle. I know everyone who is reading this probably thinks I am a heartless person, and while that's not true, I do have a heart, I have to agree that I am a horrible person, making horrible decisions. I have began taking the steps to get clean, while 4 days doesn't sound like much, it's a start. Even if nothing comes of this post, no one responds, or I get mean responses, that's ok, because I already feel so much better, relieving some of the stress of my chest. I am sorry this is so long, I hope this website is what I think it is, a place of support. I have NO ONE ELSE. And I feel sad and alone. Smiling and kissing my boyfriend, pretending like everything is ok is so hard, but I do it, every minute of everyday. I hope this is the start of the end of these things for me, and if anyone who has been through it or is going through it would like to join me, it would mean the world. Thank you again so much for listening, it means more than you know!
Best Answer
Avatar universal
First off, you are in the right place, you are not heartless, and nobody will judge you hear. Many of us here have lived a lie. It's embarrassing and we beat ourselves up over it. 4 days is a huge accomplishment, especially in your situation. I hope you have cut your sources. Can you go to an NA meeting? You have relapsed a couple times, just like many of us, so you need some kind of support. Maybe you can tell your man that you are feeling those old feelings and want to get support at a meeting. I say it all the time, addicts are some of the most tolerant, loving, generous people on the plant. That's why so many of us escape from this messed up world or some traumas in our lives. I just want to let you know that you are on the right track and will get your life back. You will get a lot more response in the morning. Keep praying and holding onto your God, nothing can defeat you with His help. Welcome to our community, please keep posting.
55 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
I know this is a rather old post and I hope by now you are well on your road to recovery.  I am sat here reading this crying my eyes out as I am in a similar situation and feel lower than low... right now I would say dirt is more worthy of happiness than I am.  I too struggle with addiction, and have had some clean time thanks to rehabs and NA/AA.  But a year or 2 ago, after yet another relapse, I did the opposite of what was suggested, I was fed up with the program and feeling like a failure and walked away.  And for a while everything was ok.  And now, I just don't know any more.  I have a job, my family, a nice home, a lovely boyfriend who all, for the most part, think the addiction is just a part of my history but not a current problem.  Well I am here to say the addiction is very much alive and kicking.  I go 2 months or so swearing it off then the urges take over and before I know it I am high once again.  Im really struggling with trying to keep up the facade of being ok for fear of losing everything, but fact is I am not ok.  And this charade has ultimately resulted in incredible loneliness, having no one to speak to about it is the worst. I've just today signed up for a local service to get some treatment, something outside of working hours.. and am considering giving NA a try again even though I despise the thought of it.  That being said, I despise the idea of losing everything, possibly even my life, more...   as I said. I hope you are better and things are going well for you. All the best, you are not alone.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know this is a rather old post and I hope by now you are well on your road to recovery.  I am sat here reading this crying my eyes out as I am in a similar situation and feel lower than low... right now I would say dirt is more worthy of happiness than I am.  I too struggle with addiction, and have had some clean time thanks to rehabs and NA/AA.  But a year or 2 ago, after yet another relapse, I did the opposite of what was suggested, I was fed up with the program and feeling like a failure and walked away.  And for a while everything was ok.  And now, I just don't know any more.  I have a job, my family, a nice home, a lovely boyfriend who all, for the most part, think the addiction is just a part of my history but not a current problem.  Well I am here to say the addiction is very much alive and kicking.  I go 2 months or so swearing it off then the urges take over and before I know it I am high once again.  Im really struggling with trying to keep up the facade of being ok for fear of losing everything, but fact is I am not ok.  And this charade has ultimately resulted in incredible loneliness, having no one to speak to about it is the worst. I've just today signed up for a local service to get some treatment, something outside of working hours.. and am considering giving NA a try again even though I despise the thought of it.  That being said, I despise the idea of losing everything, possibly even my life, more...   as I said. I hope you are better and things are going well for you. All the best, you are not alone.
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Just checking in to see how you are doing~
Helpful - 0
4202953 tn?1377183506
Hi Teej, I just wanted to check in on you. You motivated me to get going and get through my Day 1 and so come on back. Nobody here will ever judge you or condemn you no matter what. Please come back and let us know how you're doing.
Helpful - 0
3517260 tn?1388877193
Just checking back in wondering how you are doin.I know kicking drugs is hard we all have done it.I am pulling for ya
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Teej,
many people on here pulling and praying for you. You're not alone. Hang in there.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
"Hello, I discovered this website, by chance, and I believe it was fate." You said it. Let us know how you are doing, no matter what happened. If you are sick, if you used, doesn't matter, don't leave us wondering how you are? A couple words will do. I'm high, I'm okay, anything, just stay with us. When people get their blood levels down and then use what they used to is when people overdose, please keep us posted.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
How are you feeling and what are you thinking today? The lack of sleep and sick starts to play tricks with your mind. Stay with us and keep posting.
Helpful - 0
4149717 tn?1389503561
Hi Teej! I know your struggling now emotionally and from first hand experience, I know how devestating Cancer can be to a family, but like some others have said it is a trigger, but you have to fight it! DONT let it win. It was my last trigger when I was clean, I gave in and my addiction spiraled drastically out of control! Your father needs you more now than ever, and needs a SOBER you.

Stay strong and keep fighting! Your doing great!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You need to remember that addiction is a chronic recurring illness. Your man sounds awesome and you need to trust in the relationship and the bond that you have. You clearly don't want the drugs in your life anymore and you clearly want him. I suggest to come clean. I have NEVER heard of anyone saying "I am glad I kept that hidden" or anything like it. Good luck and you have my complete empathy. I lived a lie for so long in a similar position to you and I lost everything. I just wish I had turned to my partner. Mail me anytime if you need to talk
Helpful - 0
4058337 tn?1351046153
I read your post this morning and you have been in my thoughts ever since.  I didn't have the state of mind to read through everyone's comments but I am so glad to see you getting such a good response from everyone.  You are an addict but definitely not a bad person honey.  In fact I think addicts are usually very good people that have a very hard time dealing with bad things so we self medicate.  It sounds like your husband really is a great guy and if he fell in love you then he must see something equally great in you.  I am only on day 4 so I can't really claim to be able to give great advice right now.  I will just say that I believe you can do it.  Congratulate yourself for every thought you have that is anti-drugs instead of beating yourself up over the drug seeking, addict thoughts.  I am figuring out that those take "training" to get to shut up.  :)
Helpful - 0
954005 tn?1304626605
I know how you are feeling....about not wanting to tell your boyfriend....the worry and shame.  I was the same way.  I just want you to think about talking to him...or somebody else who is close? But if he is your best friend, think about it.  It was so hard, but when i told my husband, it was like the weight of the world on my shoulders was lifted.  It was such a huge difference to have his love and support.  Especially with this new development of your father being ill....it is a lot for you to deal with alone.  I was only able to begin dealing with my addiction wholeheartedly after I opened up about it to my family.  It really helped so much to not have to keep that secret any more.  You need support from your loved ones, so please think about talking to your boyfriend.
You are doing so well... you have reached out here, and have gotten some great advice and support...you are moving in the right direction:)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Please please please don't go back to the pills. Uve come so far and it would be the worst decision ever. Ur life will become sooo much better just give it a few more days I promise it will be the best decsion u ever make in your life. Your bf deserves the old you and he will understand that your doing this for the both of you. I am so sorry to hear about your dad. This is gods way of testing your true willingness to get clean. Prove to him and yourself that you are not going back to the drugs. U will be stronger and better fit to be there for your dad. We are alll here for you night and day. Do not give in. Please. PM if you want to talk anytime.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know the first thing you want to do is grab a couple of pills to numb yourself, I understand. BUT, that lasts how long, an hour tops, then what? You crash and sadder than before and probably mad at yourself for caving! You can do this! Stay strong honey! I know you are scared about your dad and I can imagine especially your mom losing her battle with cancer but know, cancer does not always mean death! So much treatment and meds, works miracles! What type is he diagnosed with? Hang in there sweetheart! The day is almost over! Another one bites the dust!!! Keep it up!!
Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
Survivors are SO COOL!!

Warriors and winners!!
Helpful - 0
3225128 tn?1347133998
Hi Teej ,  I am a father . I had cancer and needed my family . I got thru it with their love and support . needed them .
Dr's fight cancer today with new drugs . I am proof cancer can be beat ...Ron
Helpful - 0
4204073 tn?1361831476
The fact that you Dad will be on pain meds for cancer can be a major trigger . Please be careful.  ;)  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Ahhhhh you are SO right!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm so sorry to hear that, but don't let it be a trigger. It is a motivation. He needs you to be you and you need to remember this time with an open heart and clarity. It's more important to get clean than ever. I really hope everything turns out and you have the strength to respond with love and sincerity rather than escape. Like I said in my first post to you, "Addicts are some of the most amazing, loving, generous, people on the planet." Pull up that goodness and be with your dad as you are, as you want to be. You can do it. Surrender this to your Higher Power.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm reading everyone's posts over and over and over. While I can't respond to each one cuz I feel like shiz, they mean the world!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Just got a call from my dad. He has cancer. My mom passed from this 3 yrs ago, I'm 27, the thought of both parents being gone before I'm married or have kids is devastating. TALK ABOUT A FRIGGIN TRIGGER!!! gggggggrrrrrrrrrrr  
Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
Welcome to you!  Now you have A LOT of "someone's" that understand you and you can talk to.  I pray you will continue to talk to us.    

I did not find this forum until I was almost 60 days clean.  I did the w/d's
without all the knowledge available here.....and the love and support.
I knew if I "caved" I would have to start ALL over again.  I was really sick and knew nothing about opiate addiction....going into this recovery process.
.
I had been bedridden for a long time prior to getting off pain pills.  My body was truly unable to shower, go for walks or anything else.  I watched the clock incessantly.  I used to take my pills by the clock even tho I was taking two 10mg lortabs every hour!!  So the clock was what I watched......I was unable to read, concentrate, hadn't typed on a computer for 2 yrs, and didn't know WHAT to do with myself?.  You have the advantage of a lot of good experience here......what works for each one of us.  You will NOT be judged as you have found out.  
Each of us have a different history, age, drug of choice, etc. but our struggles and patterns are pretty much identical.  Nothing works the same for each and every one of us.....but the pitfalls are pretty much the same.

I hear the immensity of the love betwn you and your BF.  IMO, he WILL know anyway......and it will hurt him to think you don't feel safe trusting him with your truths, struggles, burdens.....that you are deceiving him.  The deception will hurt him way worse than the truth.  Sounds like he truly has an understanding and forgiving heart.....he will surprise you.
And if he is even a little bit "aware".....he'll know something is not right with you anyway.  I sure hope you choose to cry, share and love on him.  My hubby has stood by my side thru a lot of very difficult times......my lack of honesty is the MAIN thing that has hurt him.  I am a very direct, brutally (at times) honest person.  Anytime I was deceiving him.......it was connected to these addictive pain pills......then he became cautious and didn't know if he could trust me!  I hated that.....and who I had become.
It only put distance between us.....and I SO needed his love.

When I was in the throws of my w/d's.....since I didn't know WHAT to do,
I just simply did what I could.  I "listened" to a variety of things that helped me....I couldn't read or concentrate or process information yet....
I would lay with a body length hot pad on top of me and surrounded myself with pillows.  I started a little notebook by my bed that I wrote down my symptoms in......then I could look back and see what was getting better each and every day. (that little notebook has come in real handy even at 123 days clean......I re-read it and am SO grateful.......I AM progressing even tho it doesn't seem like it some days)
Even if it was only ONE thing.......I knew I was going in the right direction.

You CAN do this girl!!  And you are open to NA which is a fabulous plus for you.  The world is literally full of addicts......many of us find something to "do" that masks our feelings.......the obvious ones of drugs (legal or otherwise) and alcohol, but then cigs, food, gambling, sex, cutting, shopping spending && that is not there to spend....and on and on.

What I realize now.....is I get to choose what to replace one behavior with for another.  Is it healthy?  In excess does it harm me?  or my loved ones?  You know there is a lot of judgement of drug and alcohol addicts....also a small group I went to thru my church (don't go anymore) were full of BIG time judgemental people both male and female... about my nicotine addiction.  People can and will make you feel like yours is worse....sometimes.....but as we grow, love and strengthen ourselves....we realize many people are in a similar boat....they just are in denial about it.  (oh yeah, work.....workaholics can destroy themselves and their families)  My dad was an alcoholic and a workaholic so I NEVER saw him growing up.
Because it is such a normal and typical way to deny a problem, many say "well, I don't USE or DRINK that much!"
The answer I heard for that comment was powerful.....

"A man drank 3 times in his entire life.  The 1st time he lost his leg.....
the 2nd time he lost his wife......and the 3rd time he lost his life"

I'll quit runnin off at the mouth......sorry about that.....just so much inside of me that gushes out......You are in the right place.
AND JUST FOR THE NEXT FEW HRS.......AND THEN THE NEXT FEW after that.....you WILL SUCCEED!
Blessings to you!    
Helpful - 0
4202953 tn?1377183506
You're doing great! I'm so impressed that you've made it so far already, especially since you're feeling so bad. My husband takes Melatonin for sleep and it works so well! Just know that you'll start to feel better soon and it WILL get better! You're an inspiration to me since I'm only on day 1, so please keep pushing though. It will be so worth it in the long run! Oh, and go for a walk! I know that you're probably laying there in misery but do it! You'll feel so much better and it's so pretty outside these days!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
"I know I SHOULD get outta bed." There's no should for now. Give yourself a break, we are only making suggestions. There's no wrong way to get clean. If you just lay there and do nothing but cry, you are healing, as long as you don't use. You will get through this and have the rest of your life to live, a real you life. Remember what it was like when you first got with your bf? You have so much to look forward to and you are on your way. Post as much as you need and stay with us. We are all routing for you.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community

Top Addiction Answerers
495284 tn?1333894042
City of Dominatrix, MN
Avatar universal
phoenix, AZ
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.