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Avatar universal

My demons

This is my first post here let me talk a little about myself. I'm a 26yr old depressed opiate addict. For the last 3 years i've been in a pretty vicious drug cycle with opiates. I also haven't had a job in over a year, which i blame on the drugs but, its really my fault. As i sit here writing this my head is pounding, my stomach churning, nose running down to my chin and  most of my morning has been spent on the toilet, and pretty soon i'll be throwing up bile. I've already went through the medicine cabinet 5 times looking for relief i can not find, but i guess that's the life of a junkie. the last time i got high was monday, i took 3 norco 10's and snorted half and oxy 80 and i barely felt it. i have managed to keep this a secret from my parents and family but i'm getting tired. I'm being treated for depression, but i will not take anti-depressants(sri's) while withdrawing because i can not handle the anxiety it gives me. I also smoke a lot of weed everyday, but weed is not the problem. You're probably wondering how do i afford get high if i don't have a job, the answer is i don't pay anything. It's so hard to quit something i can get for free, but when your high you never think of the outcome. I also can get suboxone but i abuse that just as much as anything.

my probelm is i receive health care from the state for anti-depressants that i can't afford, and they have asked me if i had any drug/alcohol problems and i denied it from the gate. I feel to quit at this stage i need to go somewhere to detox and try to stick to a methadone or subutex/suboxone regiment. would you tell your doctors you've been lying to? also temptation is right around the corner and on friday i'll be able to get whatever i want.

would you tell your doctor? i can get suboxone and i have been thinking about stockpiling it, but i'm not sure this will do any good unless i detox in a medical facility.
12 Responses
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Avatar universal
you CAN say no. you just need to say NO!  lol.  newgirl286 is so right.. think about how terrible you feel and use that be determined to never have to go through this again.  you will be so proud of yourself if you just say no to him and continue your detox and it will put you one day closer to feeling GOOD.   lifestyle change is a big thing and if you really want this to work, your going to have to have to cut ties with this friend and try to focus on other things in life.  good luck - you can do this!
Helpful - 0
740886 tn?1233717443
Just think about how bad you'll feel next time you try to quit....  Your already into it and the worst will be over soon.  Blow your friend off and tell him your quitting.  You can keep in touch but you should avoid him...  Go to a NA meeting instead and make some new friends, there are some of the most bad *** people who end up there, like you and me...  I know you can do it and your so young, you don't want all of your 20's to be a blur...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you everyone who posted and for making me feel welcome. another day has gone by and although i feel like ****, i do feel better than yesterday.. I believe i won't be able to quit without methadone or suboxone. i'm going to try to stay clean for 2 weeks until my next doctors apt, but it won't be easy. my friend has already texted me saying tomorrow he's gonna have 90 oc80's, 120 norco 10's, 60 8mg suboxone and he has off all next week and wants to get ****** up all week starting tomorrow. i hope i can say no, if i can't i'm going to try to take just the subs. I'm really not trying to think about it but it's so hard when you feel so crappy, hopefully tomorrow i will feel better yet and i will blow him off.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
ive been an addict for 10 yrs i recently started taking 24mg of suboxone a day i abuse them just the same asany other drug.ive been in and out of jail for prescription fraud also meth clinics.my insurance just changed it will not cover my apptts for the doctor for suboxone or script it runs about 700 hundred for the suboxone so im back where i started at wanted to use its very hard to just stop the suboxone but what can u do when all chooses run out. my best advice to you is to go to long term rehab dont lie be honest its the only way out you need help get it before its to late i wish i could go back and ask for that help and told them the truth now im in violation of probation and faceing 15yrs for a drug addiction i couldnt even be honest with myself about my drug abuse but it would be alot easyier if i was just honest and said yes i need alot of help i have to leave 4 kids behind who dont deserve the pain  i made them feel it effects more then what youll ever no be honest and get the help you need before your facing all your demons in jail. something that starts off making you feel so good will never be able to control
Helpful - 0
736475 tn?1281259327
Tell your doctor. i told mine and i brought him a copy of the Thomas Recipe, and he was all for it. it wasn't much of a surprise to him that i had been lying to him for so long. you will need some good aftercare plans. you need to keep busy once you start feeling better. communicating with others in your situation is a MUST, cuz earth people don't understand us other planet types. keep coming on this site even if you screw up. you won't be judged, at least no one has since i've been coming. good luck!    sway
Helpful - 0
617167 tn?1221158353
sorry! I meant to say "and always know that you're NOT traveling alone." My bad! :(
Helpful - 0
617167 tn?1221158353
Hey buddy. Just wanted to offer a little advice. You've at least made the first step, which is admiting it to yourself. That's usually the hardest thing (at least it was for me) so in that regard, congrats. Now comes the second part. Being honest with your doctor, as well as your family and friends. I too am an opiate addict, and have been for twelve years. I started at 15, and pretty much never stopped. At my worst I was averaging about 8 oxycontin 80's a day. (usually 4 chewed up, and 4 snorted.) If you do the math, that's about 64 percocets a day! It was easy to get hooked in the begining because I'm a musician, and pills were being constantly passed around at my band's gigs. When I joined the band at 16, I had already took painkillers before. Everyone else in the band was twice my age, and they had a strong following of bikers. They got a kick out of seeing such a young bass player, and when they found out I liked pills, they made sure to keep me hooked up. Back then, everything was free. But when the band broke up, I realized how bad off I was. Whereafter, I tried EVERYTHING to change my ways. Weaning myself off, cold turkey (big mistake), detox centers, long term treatment, as well as getting locked up for stealing my dad's debit card to support my addiction. I was locked up for nine months without anything and thought that I was finally strong enough to stay clean for good. As soon as I got out, the first time I came across some opiates, I snatched them up and had taken them before I even thought about it. Thus it started all over again. I finally got my priorities straight, and joined a methadone clinic. That being said, I agree AND disagree with mtgoat911. I believe that for some people like myself, methadone or suboxone is neccessary. I was on opiates for so long that my brain may never fully recover. Even after the withdrawls cease, my brain was so used to having endorphins provided for it that it pretty much shut down its own "factory". Even after nine months, my body hurt so bad that I could barely get out of bed sometimes. I didn't have chronic pain....my brain simply could not deal with the slightest ache. Maybe it will return, maybe not. But, before you start on methadone or suboxone you have to be 100% confident about your ability to stick with the program, and not abuse it. You do sound like a high-risk case, but then again so was I. Only you know what's right for you. But I beg of you, don't start it if you think you can't handle it. These clinics are very much a privilege to us addicts. Regardless of the scientific proff that it works when done right, the government could just as easily outlaw them because so many people abuse or sell their medicine. Also, I hear of people dying all the time because they couldn't live without thier fu*king xanax's, and took a triple dose of methadone too. For me, methadone is the only way I can live a close-to-normal life. My histroy has proven that I will f**k up without it, no matte how long I stay clean. But I am very dilligent about making it work. All I'm saying is that it's not meant to be played with. Do it right, or don't do it at all. Sorry this was so long, but I REALLY wanted to get my point across. I wish you the best of luck on this long journey, and always know that you're traveling alone.

Peace, Kyle
Helpful - 0
498385 tn?1362449404
j34
Oh ya the detoxing is not fun, I used to detox then go right back at it!! What helped me was writing about my last 90 days and then when  I wanted to pick up dope I would read the last 90 days of my life, The delusions, loneness the despair, the suicidal thoughts etc. on and on. I was so sick mentallly, spiritually and physically I went into a treatment center,then after my head was cleared a bit. I started to work on myself and what was wrong with me.I quit blaming people, places and things and got down right honest.I tell you it was scary...but I made it through it and today I am one day away from 7 months clean.One day at a time.all the best to you. Hope this helped.Have a great day,you can do this....
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Avatar universal
thank you guys for the advice. i absolutely agree that staying clean is the harder part. i used to snort at 320mg's (4-80mg oc's a day) i was able to detox my self off those with suboxone but relapsed about a week later because i thought i could keep it under control if i didn't do much. i was wrong and i've paid for it. i think i need to move away.
Helpful - 0
340590 tn?1290952141
welcome to the forum.  while you can get alot of support here, it is up to you to do the WORK.  it is hard, none of us will tell you it is easy....refusingbondage is so right when she says its staying clean that is hard, get some type of aftercare going.   N?A or therapy, it is often the difference between success and relapse.  we cant stay clean alone...good luck and keep posting.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi there. First, its a really good thing that you are aware of and admitting your problem, at least to yourself and this site.  Here is what I think -- IF you are on day 2 without and have to go until Friday without - that will be day 4.. You should be starting to feel better by then.. and I would think definitely by 5 or 6.. Esentially you are detoxing right now.. without a medical facility.. we all know how hard withdrawal is and your super sick right now, but I doubt it will get any *worse* than what you are already experiencing.. so what about just waiting it out.. with some help from the wonderful people on this site for support?   About the getting them for free part.. I only see it one way and that is to tell the person you are getting them from that you do not want any ever again..it really is the only way.. as an addict - it is almost impossible to ever turn it down when its in your face... you should make yourself accountable to someone...  As far as talking to the doctor, I am not sure because of the state benefits angle.. I would probably still talk to my doctor about what is going on and definately if you do decide the suboxone or methadone route and you should be under doctor's care when taking.  Either way, detox now, in a facility later, using suboxone, using methadone - -the bottom line is you have to really work hard every single day at staying clean.  Getting clean is the easier part - trust me- (I know that seems crazy now), but staying clean is the part you have to work.  But it IS possible and many people, many addicts are in recovery and working it.  Have you thought of a recovery program?  Thearpy, NA meetings?  I think it would be very helpful to work through the issues as to why you use and the support of NA or some kind of group -even this site - is so IMPORTANT.  I know YOU CAN do it, you just have to want it bad enough. I hope you do.  Best of luck and take care.. keep posting!  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
find out what day your mental health center accepts walk-ins
go down there and ask them to refer you to a treatment facility
you are a high risk patient, because you have a history of depression, and the actual detox is very depressing, so it is best to ask for medical help
suboxone and mehtadone are opiates, if you are trying to quit opiates this is not a good option for you
most people who get on these matinence drugs stay on them for years,
and many addicts cannot control how much they take, if you cannot control your opiate use, then you will probaby abuse the matinence drugs
and a body on opiates is a body on opiates
trading one denile system for another is not getting clean
but thats not what a suboxone doc will tell you, and certainly not what the methadone clinic will tell you
these two are great sales men
if the mental health center will not help you, goto an na meeting, tell them you need to talk to someone who know about h&i
hospitals and institutions, they will know more about treatment centers, than your local drug and alcohol commision


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