My husband: substance abuse question

[Alisa2014]

Dear All,

I am so thankful for this community. It is truly wonderful. I have been married to my husband for 3.5 years. We have a 2 year old boy together. I will try and be as impartial as possible. Where to begin? My husband and I have been together for a long time. Approximately 15 years. Looking back, we have always had a victim-rescuer relationship. My husband is the victim and I was the rescuer. This dynamic persisted for a long, long time. Something happened after my son was born. He is truly the best gift given to me in my life. I started going to therapy as I was so anxious about making mistakes with my son. This was the tip of the iceberg. Long story short, for the past year I have worked on my self esteem, my family of origin issues, and I now know that I deserve love and happiness and that I am lovable. I have compassion, I give grace, I listed and I can control my triggers. I am no longer a rescuer. Enter my husband. He is still a victim. He has cheated on me...a number of years ago now but I didnt believe I deserved better. He uses marijuana....alot. And, most recently, I have discovered cocaine...2 weeks ago almost. And, 2 nights ago, I found Adderall. I told my husband I have had enough and that I am done. I deserve love, happiness, safety, security and fun and that he does not provide these things to either myself or my son. I told him that he has a choice. He can continue down this path of drug abuse or he can get help and move on from his victim mentality and process his family of origin issues and learn to be in relationship. I gave him 1 week to figure this out and, if he decides he wants to continue down the path using drugs he can leave the house because I am not interested in this kind of a life. I will follow through on my bottom line. I have a therapist and I still see her 1 time per week. But, I want to know from others, do you think my husband has a substance abuse problem? Did I do the right thing is giving out my bottom line? I think I did (but this is me)...I am not willing to sacrifice my 1 life or my sons 1 life for this nonsense. It is complete and utter nonsense. I have given too many years away because I was not aware of my own issues and now that I have moved on and am ready to accept love I cannot put up with this anymore. I would love to hear your thoughts.

[Alisa2014]

Thank you all so, so much! You are all so kind and compassionate. I have a little time right now and wanted to just get a little more off my chest, if I may. To begin, I realize that none of this is HIM...I know his brain is just not in the right place right now. I think he is really an awesome person and think that he has so much going for him. He is smart, fun, and I have seen his kindness. This is what I held onto for so many years....ignoring the dishonesty, the lack of respect and the unkind words said to me. He was so cold last night when he was talking. He said to me that he was sorry...but in the most non-emotional way...as though he stepped on my foot by accident. He then went on talking to me about our past and brought up events such as when I asked him when he was going to stop getting drunk and 'grow up'. This happened like 12-15 years ago. I can see now how substances have always been an issue with us. Alcohol is just more acceptable to me in the sense that it is socially acceptable and something that I also consume on occasion. All of his 'complaints' were about specific instances. He fails to see the big picture of what he is part of. He has no connections with his family. They are of a most conservative culture which he has not followed and so there is no connection there for him. He was molested as a child. His mother ignored him when he went to her.This literally breaks my heart and I cry every time I think about it. How could she ignore him? How could she be so cold? I wish I could hold that little boy and tell him how is he is the most amazing thing on earth and that I will protect him no matter what. He has never dealt with these issues. He says they do not bother him. I have such a hard time believing this. I denied my own pain of my parents chaotic divorce and it has wreaked havoc on my life until I finally took responsibility for my actions because I wanted happiness. I cannot imagine how being molested and ignored cannot effect a person. I just cannot imagine this. I soooo soooo wanted him to heal. I tried so hard. I wanted to save him. But instead he used substances to cover up his pain...or this is what I think. And even last night he was talking so coldly....he was in that place. Completely dissociated and just wanting to run. I asked him what he values. He told me he values 'live and let live' above everything. How this is something that is more important to him than anything else including honesty and trust or anything else. And how his current addiction...which is corrected to obsession...is to make lots of money. I cried inside. This is not what I value. I value family, health, alone time (I am an introvert) and love. There is no way I can change someones values. There is no way we can come together on this. There is no foundation to build anything on. Not once did he mention me or my son. Not once. He then said that he needs to know how to 'financially uncouple' from me. It was so cold. So unloving. No emotion. None. At the end I asked him how he felt. He said nothing. That he had thought about what he needed to say to me and he delivered his speech. I asked him if he needed a hug. He said he has no need for one. I needed one. So I gave it to myself upstairs in my room. The adderall I found. Turns out he turned it around and sold it for 30-40 dollars to 'some schmuck he doesnt care about'. He said he just wants money. So I asked him...so now you are dealing drugs? He said, is 1 time considered dealing drugs? I said everything starts with 1 time. He said well he has no where to store it and no where to manage it so no he is not dealing drugs.

I dont know to be honest. I have always valued a drug free life. I do lots and lots of yoga and try my best to feel my emotions (now). This has all been so much for me to bear. So much. It is just beyond my comfort zone. I feel so sad for him. He is in such a bad place. But no one can help him until he decides he wants help. Of course I love him. He is my husband. He is the father of my son. But he is just not the man I need him to be. It just rips my heart out to let him go. But last night I realized that I had no choice. I have to let this man, and my dreams of a connect happy family go. For now, it is my and my little guy. And that is enough. We are good enough together. I love him so much I cannot explain in words. I will do anything in this world to make sure he is safe and that he knows he is a worthy, loved, lovable and loving human being. Like we all are. But we need someone to tell us this...it is learned. I want my loving words to be his inner voice.

Well, I have cried my eyes out writing this. Thank you for listening. I will definitely still go to that meeting. The pain that drug abuse brings is unfathomable. There is so much suffering. Again, congratulations to you all in your fight. Be kind to yourselves and know that you are doing amazing. xo

[NeverAgain127]

Hi honey:  I just read through this entire thread...sorry I missed it initially.

You know that the person who said he wanted to move out and make lots of money is not your husband, its his disease (the addiction), right?   I feel very badly for him; this will not end well unless he decides to choose his family first.

He is the father of your child, and I'm sure that even with the difficult decision you've made you still wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him.  I hope you DO go to support meetings, and that you also let him know that if he ever changes his mind, his family will be to support his decision.  

He isn't going to make a lot of money unless he starts dealing drugs, and that is a very bad road.   He's going to have to pay child support, possibly alimony, and also support himself.  I'm positive he doesn't realize all this now.    

Leaving someone who isn't willing to face their substance abuse problems is very difficult, and I commend your bravery.  Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  

Hugs,
-Robin

[jifmoc]

Alisa, yes please still go to the meeting. You will need LOTS of "in person" support right now.

Of course, I don't know what's in your husband's mind, but from the info you gave his statement of "I wanna make lots of money" sounds like a euphemism for "I want to do drugs w/o having to feel guilty about it."  He is in a really confused, effed up state right now. And one of the many things I've learned from meetings is that what's happening TODAY does not reflect what will happen. It's just for right now. So, if you can, try to look at your husband as a sick person, who doesn't know what to do. It is NOT personal. Drugs are first for him...right now.

Good for you for taking care of yourself. Keep focusing on YOU. And even if the meeting feels "weird", keep an opened mind. You will start to get comfort:)

[bama88]

Sorry to hear your husband wants out.  I laughed when I read that he wants to make a lot of money, how is he gonna make a lot of money when it drugs cost a lot of money??  sorry to laugh at your pain....really.

I feel sorry for your husband.  I think you are so smart and have so much to offer.  I was so proud that you could be so strong in your convictions.  I am so envious of that.  I'm so proud that you went to therapy to get help.  It's a huge gift that you gave yourself.  Amazing. Awesomeness.

Please still go to the meeting tho, it will help you even tho hubby walked out.  You'll get support that you need right now.  

Hopefully your husband will realize that he is throwing away so much.  I hope he can see that.  And I hope he can  realize it very soon.  The life he wants to lead will go nowhere fast.  

I'm proud that you can recognize the roles you play.  Your not the one who needs to rescue victims all the time.  It's not healthy.  You need a partner.  A team mate.  I wish many good things for you and your son.  You deserve love and peace and happiness.

Your spot on making your home a safe place.  In the world we live in with all the daily stress, you deserve a place that is safe.  Your son needs that.  And so do you.

I think you did the right thing by having the deal breaker talk.  It's a hard topic.  But a must have discussion.  And, your husband showed you his character.  He sounds immature and selfish.  To just walk out of his sons life.  And yours.

I'm here if you want to talk.  Much love and support....cyber hugs.....bama

[Sonrissa]

Hi Alisa,  I am so very sorry to hear this.  I guess your husband has made his choice.  I do think that you gave him every opportunity to change. Something had to, because you certainly could not continue with the way things were. I hope that you will be able to move forward and find happiness for you and your son. Keep up with your therapy. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care, I wish you all the best.

[Alisa2014]

Dear All,
Thank you very much for all your support. I wanted to let you know that my husband has decided to move out of our house. In the end he told me he just wants to be independent and 'make lots of money'.

In a strange way I feel sadness of course...but also relief.

I appreciate all your insights and wish you so much strength in staying clean. Reading some of your stories has really been heartbreaking for me. You all deserve peace and happiness. Xo