My story

[fromtheshadows]

I've never told my story before.  However, over the past few days, I've read the questions and responses of others.  This has helped me a lot.  I guess I need to get this off my chest and tell someone -- even if its in the relative anonymity of the internet.  Thank you all in advance for caring.  I feel safe saying so here.

About 10 years ago, my wife was diagnosed with cancer.  We had two young children.  During the 18 months it took her to die, she received pain med prescriptions -- primarily dilaudid.  She gave me one for a headache once, and boy it made me feel good.  I'd take one here or there -- it sure was a good distraction from the hell of life at the time.  Then, once, she was hospitalized and there wasn't any more at home.  I didn't think a thing about it . . . until a day later, I was having a drink after work and couldn't figure out why I felt so uncomfortable.  I thought it was the flu.  I then realized I was in withdrawal!  Shortly thereafter my wife passed away.  I shouldered on and raised my kids pretty well for many years. Never touched pain meds in that time.

Of course, those first few months were horrible!  Not from withdrawal, but from grief.  I made some stupid decisions, wasted some time, but finally got it all back together.  Things started going pretty good!  I remarried (and remain so) to the greatest woman anywhere.  I have another child.  Family is great.

But about 3 years ago, my wife was prescribed vicodin.  I took some.  I took some more . . . .  I got hooked again!  At about the same time, my job took a downturn (consequence of the economy).  Two years ago, I lost that job.  It was at this point that I started hitting the scripts pretty good.  I remember looking at myself in the bathroom mirror as I popped a couple and realized, I had a problem!  A big one.

Since then, I've tried to withdraw and detox at least 10 times (like so many others here).  I don't think I've made it more than 6 weeks between binges during this time.  I'm not stupid.  I'm not weak.  I couldn't figure out why I kept going back, since the withdrawal symptoms sucked so bad.

Then, as I was fishing around on the internet -- 18 days ago during day 1 -- I found the Thomas Recipe.  Along with some of the posts related to that, someone mentioned PAWS.  Eureka!  Even after the worst withdrawal symptoms went away, I still felt bad . . . depression.  Obvious, right?  I don't know why I didn't realize it before.  

Since I've kept this all a secret, its no wonder why I keep slipping back.  There is much wisdom in after care support.  Thing is, I haven't had any luck with head shrinkers in the past, and I really, really don't want to tell my family. I'm obviously not the same guy on the outside that I was before, but I haven't fallen too far in their eyes.  There's still time to turn my Titanic around.  I also don't want to go to meetings.

I now know though that its going to take a bit of time.  Months, maybe a year or more to come out of this depression.  I know it has layers -- the top layer is the PAWS part, but other aspects include my change of job, my kids growing up, you know -- things in life that we all must deal with.  Its just the PAWS part handicaps me in dealing with the rest of my issues.

But I'm not doing this again.  So that's where this post comes in.

I've said something.  I'm getting it off my chest.

On the internet, I've found a group of people who don't know each other.  But at the same time, know more about each other than some of their closest family members.  So thank you for helping me through this.

[fromtheshadows]

Wow.  Thanks for jumping in so quickly for me!  

I'm sure you guys are right about telling the family and going to meetings.  That's just more than I can stomach right now.  Just posting here took everything I had.

If you could hang with me a few days here . . . I promise I'll keep an open mind as I progress.

The thing I'm really struggling with is motivation.  Gosh, I just can't seem to do anything.  I've been meeting my deadlines, but coming in just under the wire.  I used to be so proactive (on drugs or off in years past).

These days, its all I can do to type this.  But I force myself to keep working.  I have no choice.  Its hard as so many here know.  But they do it and I will too.

The thing about telling everyone and going to meetings is it dashes my greatest hope:  I was hoping that I'd just come through on the other side of this like nothing ever happened.  I'd return to who I used to be.  I liked that guy!  Sort of like walking away from a plane crash, ya know?  Even if that might never be, I'm not ready to give up that hope right now.

So hang with me a bit here and let's see how it goes.  Thank you so much for your help and caring!!!

[Tab57]

Welocme to this site and thank you so much for your honesty.

Your closing sentence as so true. All of us on this great site have a common bond and that is dealing with addiciton. While our experience with it varies widely the common bond is addiction. We know about the struggles of an addict and also their family members as they have to deal with the situation as well.

In your case I would hope that you would be able to tell your family about your problem. Changes are that they have figured it out anyway. In the case of addiciton honesty is the best policy.

You have to mend damaged realtionships and the only way to begin the process is to admit your problem to your family and also tell them what you did to harm them during the time that you were an addict. Please do this and aplologize to them and tell them how you plan on getting clean so you don't repeat your addictive behavior.

Good luck with this and please keep posting.

[janet19]

I go to NA not as regular as the past 4 months had been. I am not sure why you don't want to do meetings, I do get a lot of it. It is always  nice to know you are not alone. I relate to everyones stories there. they are not noisy unless you want to talk. But we all have our reasons.

I also like it here. You can be who ever you want to be and wouldn't know each other if we were neighbors lol. I hear a little of me in most of the stories here also.

You can do this others do and I am on my 12 days with suboxone. Life can be returned to us.

[udoschoices]

hey there - i know it took a lot to get that off your chest, and i'm hoping it did some good for you... the thing is, many if not most of us on here "didnt mean to get hooked" on the RX drugs. That's the kicker isnt it? I'm a successful businesman with multiple letters after my name and plaques on the wall with a beautiful little girl and money in the bank but still struggle with shaking it just like you. I've done what you have done about 50 times at least! Get clean, feel ok, just a few more, oops - here we go again, get clean - repeat. I'm still struggling with it.

one thing i realized it that before - i was like you. Didnt want to talk to shrink/counselor. Meetings not for me. The thing is - and i have more struggle and experience with this than you it sounds like recently - after a while there isnt any other answer BUT one of those. You say you dont want to go to meetings. Well, how bad do you want to stop? Because its VERY hard to not have support. If you cant tell your family - then what better people to tell then a room full of strangers just like you?

i have had to swallow my pride and suck it up and   go to those meetings because without them, i'm afraid of the consequences. Thinking you "can do it your way" wont work because the pills control you. They will talk you into thinking you are ok and can do a few more... then back on the cycle. Where does the cycle end? In some of my friends cases-  death. From the same pills.  Whats worse for you - talking to people you dont know about an issue you have? or not.. and not waking up one time. Your family will certainly know then..

i guess my point is that you took the first step... of many. Try to be open to the idea of meetings, its not just a bunch of crackheads  (no offense to the crackheads on here) and junkies and old winos. Addiction hits the entire spectrum...

hang in there, there are MANY great people here that can offer you better advice than me.. i'm just another addict struggling with the same things you are. Trying to deal with it each day...