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575529 tn?1217655794

My story

ok.  I am 29 and this is my first time.  I have NEVER experienced anything like this in my life.  It all started about 2.5 years ago.  I was healthy and fine.  I took a pain pill every now and then, my mom and grandma always had them for chronic conditions, but I never had a problem.  Then my mom, 45 had a series of heartattacks and strokes that left her completely paralized on the left side and in a nursing home permanently.  I then had my own son who was 5-6 at the time and my middle sister of 25 at the time who has down syndrome.  I became her caretaker, took care of my family, took care of my mother...basically everyone but me.  I would work 3rd shift and after work go straight to the hospital and then later the nursing home to help participate in my mothers rehabilitation, since it wasnt going so well.  I though I could help motivate her....boy was I wrong.  Eventually the gruelling schedule caught up with me.  Not to mention the pain (emotional and physical).  I would take my mom out every weekend...but it was such a physical toll on me.  She is 2-3 times my size, and paralyzed so anytime she had to move or go to the bathroom or get in or out of a car I had to transfer her.  It was physically demanding and I just kept on, never wanting to say...mom Im tired or mom I cant do all of this for everyone.  So I started using.  They made me feel like everything was ok even when my world was crashing down.  They also helped with the physical discomfort and gave me energy....for awhile I was superwoman.  Everyone would say, tina I dont know how you do it.  My mother has alot of anger and aggressiveness issues, anyone with stroke or brain damage has those kind of issues.  Somehow in her eyes all of it was my fault.  I could never do anything good enough or fast enough.  And god help me if I needed my space or a life of my own.  It all just became too painful to deal with, so I started using more...to make those feeling go away.  And they did for awhile.  Nothing is forever though.  Now here I am.  I just scheduled my first intake appointment for 450.00 for suboxone treatment.  Its more than I can afford really but, my life and sanity and my family that I have so let down is worth  more than 450.00.  The only people in my life that know are my husband and my baby sister, who has 3 kids and struggles every day in an abusive relationship that I cant save her from.  Right now I need to save me, I understand that.  My husband is great but he is at a loss as far as trying to help me.  He doesnt know what to do.  Everytime I look into his eyes or my sons eyes or my sisters eyes I just feel like a failure.  I dont feel human anymore.
13 Responses
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397118 tn?1219762250
Welcome and I want to say to you that you are  making the best decision of your life by stopping and getting help, I'm on suboxone my self and I thank God for pointing me to the  this site were I found out about suboxone because I don't know were I would be now if I didn't stop using.
You will be fine just pray pray and pray some more pray to what ever or whom ever just consentrate and focus on what you what to do GET CLEAN!
You can do it I'm here if you need to talk ok
Galdy
Helpful - 0
575529 tn?1217655794
thank you all so much for the support.  My appointment is in 3.5 hours, I am very very sick right now.  Hopefully I will feel better tonight. Maybe a good nights sleep?  Ill take what I can get at this point.  Last night was hell.  Reading your posts and stories has kept me going the last 24-48 hours.  As someone else put it....it is a ray of light in a very dark place.  I will post again later after my appt.
Helpful - 0
537285 tn?1217295900
i`am rick i`ve been here about 52 days on my 42nd day i broke and took 4 vicks and then i went for about 18 day and broke and took 6 now i`am starting over from a 1 it realy ***** to loose all your day it one day but thats what i get for brecking from the straght path.so stay in there and be strong it allways gets better around the river bend


                                         later rick
Helpful - 0
575529 tn?1217655794
I dont think it will be that fast for me...but hopefully I can be a success story too.  Definitley cant be worse than what I am now.  Or feel worse. Do you remember who she was?  maybe I can look her up
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey, there was a girl on this forum that did the suboxone. she was on it for like 2 or maybe 3 weeks and it worked great for her.
Helpful - 0
575529 tn?1217655794
I have my appointment tommorrow at 4 so hopefully this nightmare will start to come to an end. Im very nervous, but this is something I have to do.  For my life and for my family, I am worth more than this.  Hopefully I will not be one of the suboxone horror stories that I have read about.  Anything has to be better than what I am going through now.
Helpful - 0
575529 tn?1217655794
thank you all so much for your encouragement and insight.  Im balling my eyes out right now...but in a good way.  Its nice to hear anyone say that Im not a bad person, because i feel rotten to the core.  I have to sign off now...the shakes are just too bad to type anymore.  I will post tommorrow night, hopefully feeling worlds better.
Helpful - 0
557111 tn?1219712047
I totally understand where you are coming from.  I have never made it past day 3 either, i always got my refill.  everyone here says though that day 3 is the halfway mark so we were already almost to the other side..i definitely would not have thought that then.  my anxiety after going ct was within 7 hours of my last dose.  tapering isn't for everyone just like cold turkey isn't for everyone.  im trying both to see which one i can do.  have you talked to a doc?  i have a pain managment doc that is helping me.  if you don't, is that something you are willing to do?  Hang in there, and i promise, you are not alone.  we, here at this community, are all here for you. m
much luv,
britt
Helpful - 0
575529 tn?1217655794
My doc's are percocet 10's and vic 10's.  when I cant get those I will go for the 7.5 or last resort the 5s.  I dont take them to feel good anymore, I take them to be functional.  Its getting to a point where that isnt working anymore either.  I just wanted to take a minute and say that its wonderful how supportive everyone is here.  I cried when I read the post about not beating myself up.  I feel like I dont do that enough...maybe thats why im in these shoes now.  I am going to read up on the suboxone faqs.  At this point I will do just about anything to stop this insanity.  Even if it means trading one pill for another in the short run.  The idea is that they help to get me off the opiates, hopefully.  I have been taking this dose for around 2 years now, and for some reason my w/d's start really fast.  Maybe its my mind, but by the 12 hour mark I am starting to go nuts....not to mention extremely sick.  I have tried to quit cold turkey but never made it past day 3...and my god those 3 days were the worst hell Ive ever experienced.  I have tried alot of times, more than I could count.  I would run out of money, and say ok...this has to stop but by day 2 I was willing to do anything.  I even pawned my wedding ring, as ashamed as I am to admit it.  When I couldnt get them that is all I could think about.  I would start mentally making deals with myself.  Then I would say ok I will only get ten and take less each day...yeah right, that never worked.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yes, Nuggy is right.
you will have to think of long term here. it will help you while you are coming off to know exactly how everything is going to be for the after. Obviously, you will not be able to continue such a schedule. Who could? hah
so you may have to make some changes and this is a good opportunity to explain why and the situation you have gotten into.
Helpful - 0
551207 tn?1221462351
oh gosh...Please don't think you're a failure.....to do all this for you're family surely you sound like some kind of angel.
Juat stick with it,i know how you feel when you say you've let everyone down,but at least you have people there who love you(husband).
I'm trying to ACT short-term andTHINK long-term,if you understand that?
Don't try to rush things,but also think about you're final goals?

Nuggy

(one step at a time...water can destroy rock....drip by drip  haha)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Well first of all, you will have stop beating up on yourself. The drugs have done that enough. You are no worse than anyone else. So many have gotten caught up in this same trap. Proffesionals, nurses, doctors, exectutives, young moms, ect...... Life is so demanding and grueling schedules it is like a life saver to many at first. You are finally able to get everything done and you feel great. so what can the harm be?

No one sets out to get in this mess. But that is where we have all ended up. But you can get out. Many of us have. It will not be very pleasant, but in the end will make you all the more confident of yourself and proud.

You will need to research what is going to be happening to you and prepare for it the best possible. And we will all be here anytime to help you out with questions or struggles. You are very brave to be confronting this head on and so put your head back up!
Helpful - 0
557111 tn?1219712047
I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this.  One thing I can tell you right now is, you can't take care of anyone if you can't take care of yourself!!! Don't ever forget that!!  Next, what was/is your D.O.C.?  There are a lot of people on here who know a lot about sub so i am sure there will be more replys soon.  Just keep posting here, beleive me it helps.  Congratulations on wanting to get YOUR LIFE back:))

Britt
Helpful - 0
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495284 tn?1333894042
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