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[confused456]

Not sure if I have anything important to say, but I am gonna blab away anyways. I have come to realize more and more about myself in the past few weeks and I am not sure what to think about it all. Its day 19, and I just started a bunch of Aminos yesterday. Last night, I felt like dying. I still feel pretty crappy physically today, and now my lower back is KILLING me, but to be honest, I am pretty sure that is because it's time for my monthly "friend" to come for her weekly visit. That always causes back pain for me. I have been wanting to post about what I have learned about myself, but I am one big chicken-$h*t. Well, don't really know what else to say, so guess that's it.

[confused456]

Thanks everyone.
Rosebud: that is so sweet, I am glad that I was able to help out a little, and I am no queen!! I just know what I want and I am not willing to quit. I repeat several things over in my head daily to remind me why pills are not worth it. It is hard and I stuggle, but I am also very strong willed. Thanks again everyone!!!

[toxictome]

GREAT WORK!!!   Progress, not perfection......

I tell you ...when you can start being HONEST, OPEN, and WILLING...good things start to happen. This is hugwe growth...an disn't it freein gto come clean....you know...i 'm sure  we ALL lied (yes every single one of us, cuz that's what addicts do).

I remember one day my dad was riding home from the lake w/ me...and i had to stop and p/u my pills from my  girlfriend, and i told him i owed her $$ for a jewelry party..of course, i wasn't going to tell him io was pickin gup drugs.....I felt like such a LOSER...But boy, was i HAPPY to get those pills..and of course i had to pop a few before i went back to the car....

YOU are doing a great job...IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT.     <3

[usarmymedic1]

that was not you that was the pills and the addiction this is you now not on the pills even though you were like will taking them it was the DRUG being Bit*hy about everything it is how the drugs control people. Drugs make you go into a visious cycle of getting depressed so you more drugs to make you happy then you depressed and stressed so more drugs see the cycle. you broke the cycle and you became you agian.
Great Job hugs

and when you get stressed out just remember what stressed spelled back ward is lol

chris
stay strong

[rosebud66]

you have pills in your possesion and are not taking them?  please give yourself more credit as this is huge!!!  it shows just how dedicated you are and strong too!!  i bow to the queen and stop second guessing yourself.  you have done some great things  for your life this past three weeks not to mention your daughters life.  and oh yeah how about talking to us sad people and making them feel so much better.  i was one of the ones crying on saturday until you talked with me and sunday was a really good day for me just because you listened and understood me.   give yourself a big ol pat on the back.

[confused456]

Thanks......I actually feel awesome about it. It is like it finally hit me that I have come this far and it feels soooooo good!!!!

[GoingToMakeIt]

22 days. Shout it on the mountain top!!!!!!!!!!! You deserve to be thrilled.

[gizzy32]

time flies, i remember when you were just a couple days clean and now it will be a month soon. you have done well. even had to flush pills. good job

[confused456]

Whoo-hoo....what a day!!

[confused456]

On a serious note, it was hard for me to finally be honest with myself about all of this addiction stuff and I am happy to say that today is 22 days for me. I feel great about that!

[confused456]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha....at least u admit it Opi!!!!

[Firefaery1023]

Thanks are we hoping to kill my husband with food posioning? lol  Yeah I don't think males often think past their penis, no offense opi, your great.

[opi]

males have some kind of chemical imbalance....i think the sientific term is...stupidity''

don't cry fire,,,,it's all good...we will all get through this.....i'll send you a plate of ham to make you feel better

[confused456]

LMAO....OPI.....listenin to ur wife!! Smart move if ya ask me.....tell that to all males!!!

[Firefaery1023]

You always seem to provide some comic humor in the posts.  I was just sitting here crying at my desk and you just put a smile on my face.

[opi]

congrads,,,,,i to feel rough today...not the time of the month....probably should not have went sleddin testerday.....it gave a great high....but today i regret it(kinda)...i feel crippled......i also ate bad ham late last night and am still ejecting it orally...doh!...i am stupid for a smart guy,,,,i tnink i am 2 weeks clean....ham makes it feel like day 1-2.....
wife warned me bout the ham...and drugs and all kinda of other stuff....should listen to her....it is my new thing....if the wife says so...then it is so

[confused456]

By control, I meant that I had them......and could count them and so on, no that I was in control of my addiction....just thought I should add that.

[confused456]

Fire.......yes I think you should write in your journal!! I am sorry. I know how you feel and I always had control over the pills cuz I carry them in my purse. I too said my hubby had a bigger prob than me. Now that I have been clean 22 days, I still have his pills and I do monitor what he takes because he is not all the way ready to stop and I do not want him to take more than he is prescribed. If it becomes an issue, well, that will be my next hurdle........thanks for the support!!

[Firefaery1023]

I feel for you.  I hate the person I was or am on the pills.  I lied and stole to get them.  I stole them from my husband's stash and then would lie to him about going to the doctor or that I wasn't taking any medications.  Most of all I would lie to myself and tell myself that I didn't really have a problem, that my husband had a bigger problem than I had.  I hate myself for the person they have made me and I know the only way to change is to stop.  But my husband the hypocrit gets pissed at me for lieing to him then I catch him in a lie and he tells me that it isn't as bad because he doesn't lie to me all the time.  He does though, I just don't point it out to him everytime he lies to me.  I don't know what to do anymore, I think I should write this in a journal.

[swtbreezie]

Hang in there I have had back pain for the last couple days too I think it is due to the weather and my friend left so wont be coming around. lol funny I never called her my friend (breezie is laffing)  thanks girl I needed this I am not laffing at you just at what you said.  I felt kinda crappy this morning to and you wonder is it all worth?  YES it is. STAY stong I know you can do it.    We are here if you need us!
hugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
swtbreezie

[confused456]

This is from the day there was a LOT going on here, so I am bumping this to the top because it took a lot for me to write this and I feel it plays a big part in my recovery. Thanks.

[confused456]

Hello again. I folded and put away the laundry, and still doing more. YUCK! At least I'm gonna have clean bedding again!! My daughter came home crying so I had to hold her and talk to her about her "problem." I have learned several things. I am not proud with the things that I have learned and have been thinking of posting on it for about a week now, but haven't had the guts. I have learned that I have been lying to myself. I did not realize or want to realize the extent of my addiction. As I stated, I had never taken more pills than prescribed, but I would sell them when I needed money and then I would buy more when i ran out. Makes sense, right?!?! I realized when I had to buy them, I would lie to hubby, for instance, we both got 6 per day prescribed, but if I could only buy 8 pills to get through a day, I would tell him that I only got 6, and gave him 3, and kept 5 for myself. I also have realized that the pain I was taking them for is really there, and although it hurts bad, I can handle it without the pills. I was a big bit** while on them, and that is not like me. I have always been a person that speaks her mind and if u don't want the answer, don't ask me the question cuz I will tell u straight up! But, this was a different kind of bitchiness. I was also very depressed from them. I lied to get them. I was not a good person. So, that's part of what I have realized thus far.

[confused456]

I will enlighten ya all. I am currently on phone with Jacqui....be back soon.

[toxictome]

yes confused..enlighten us!!!  :D.
.isn't this a great learning process about ourselves??...
well...maybe NOT!! I have found that I don't necessarily LIKE everything about me....but if I embrace it...I can become a better person , change the things i don't like about myself,and do the next right thing!

Also..I think back pain hit me a couple of weeks out for about 3 days..an di remeber someon esaid tha tcan be from the wds....
Hang in there girl..

[flmagi]

Chocolate ice cream always helped my pms. Or chocolate and ice cream...lol
So what have you learned? Don't leave us in suspence.