Need Help With Relapses

[133113]

I need some help and suggestions. Since I got clean in June of this year. I have relapsed 3x. The most recent lasting 45 days.  I'm now on day 2. The physical part is not that bad but the cravings are what get me

I have been seeing a therapist for a few months and it had helped me to figure out some of the underlying issues that have caused me to want to be numb.   I usually get to day 7-10 and then decide to relapse and take a few

I have tried NA but it's not for me. Any other suggestions on these cravings and relapses?
Now it's such a mind f*** I sit here already figuring I'm gonna relapse in a week or so

[rnangel]

That's freakin awesome! Can't wait to hear more. Take care.

[avisg]

Have you ever heard the phrase.. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over ,over and expecting a different outcome . Not having any recovery program hasn't worked .So now is the time to try something new .recovery care doesn't have to be aa/na it can be many choices therapists ,addiction therapist,smart recovery ,addiction dr ... Its just finding the right fit for you and you will .Hang in there.

[Bkitty]

~I had the same experience,,I was soooo afraid to go/ask for help,,but when I did I felt sooo much better. Now I ask "why did I wait so long to take this step?" I waited 8 years. Congrats on going!! ~Bkitty

[dominosarah]

Good for you on going to that meeting!!  Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[133113]

Well guys I went to my first NA meeting today and actually stayed through the entire hour.   Wow I gotta tell you the fear I had walking into the meeting but it was well worth it. To hear people say things out loud that have been my thoughts for years was shocking to say the least.

I can now see the benefit of a program like this. My family is compassionate but just do not understand

Thanks for the help guys

[dominosarah]

No matter what type of recovery care you receive the bottom line is it works if YOU work it.  When you finally give up the fight, you will find peace~~sara

[rnangel]

It sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction. Now you just have to step into a mutual support group of some sort and make a solid plan for aftercare. You will get plenty of help with this part once you find a sponsor and meet new friends. YOU CAN DO THIS! Think of how much better you will feel a week..a month..a year from now. Not to mention all the sickness and money you will save yourself.

Check in daily with how you are doing emotionally. Are there any thoughts an attitudes that need adjusting? LOL. If you plan to avoid a meeting then you are already on the brink of relapse! Missing a meeting is a full blown relapse and means you need to get back on track asap. This is a great time of year to fellowship with members as there are holiday events happening in most communities. Make a point of getting out and meeting new people. Social isolation never has a good outcome. Take care and keep us updated :o)

[133113]

You are all very right. It's like I feel that the withdraws are done and that I feel good why not feel better and take a few.  It always starts the same way.  Take a few for a day or two. Take a day or two off then bam back on for a few weeks. Then back to square one.  

I've always had a difficult time wanting to control everything in my life and now as I've gotten older I've realized there are some things I cannot control. This addiction seems to fight me the hardest.  I always think I can control it.  I've deleted all the numbers from my phone and recently moved so the people I knew are too far to get some.  

[tommm70]

When you say NA is not for you, what do you mean? 12 step programs are the best way to keep sober. The mental health community, doctors, and psychologists back this up.
The first step is admitting you are powerless over your substance. Which means surrendering to the fact we have a disease with no known cure.

I relapsed 5 times, and never gave meetings a chance. Until i took step 1 seriously, and told my rehab i will do whatever they tell me. I have been sober for over 2 years, and would not be if it were not for my sponsor and the friends I have made. I got to AA, because I feel more at peace with these meetings.

Do not just dismiss this, as it does work. I can't stress enough, that we cannot pick and choose our recovery, If we listen to those with long term sobriety, we will learn how amazing life can be.

[OxyAdict]

Right on!  it's good to see a little tough love from someone in this forum :) hehe.. but in all serious, gnarly i think you hit the nail on the head.  I'm rounding day 4 coming off oxy and i have a box of morphine instant release tabs in my closet.  I knew they were there and already decided before my script for oxy was over, that I wasn't touching the morphine.  Addiction is crazy like that...I've relapsed so many times, but yet i can find the willpower to not touch the meds and withdrawing.  If I feared I might take the morphine, I would throw it away.  You should do the same..as others have suggested, cut off your connections to drug(s).  Delete #s in your phone, stop spending time with users, get support..if you keep doing the same thing around day 7 - 10 (i'm guessing around the time you're really feeling better) then you feel like it's ok, you've already kicked the drug, and it's ok to use again now,...because you've proven to yourself that you are in control...right?  Thats why you allow yourself to relapse as your just feeling the sunshine of being clean.  But the truth is, you've just proven to yourself that you are NOT in control.

[gnarly_1]

HI.....as addits we need to change the very way we think and reason ....I read your words and you have already relapsed in your mind you need to work on the negative thoughts and fight the craving with positive thoughts distract yourself when your craving go fishing or hiking get outside of the 4 walls of your room go out and rent a funny movie or go to one at the theater  its not so much about having craving its more about what you do with them if you nip it the bud early you wont start obsessing on it this is a key factor here a ver wise man on her says the desire to get clean must exceed the desire to get high
its time to start using your head and the powerful brain in it to overcome this deiese YOU CAN DO THIS   but you got to want it bab or it wot work good luck and God bless........Gnarly  

[Hollaatme]

Isnt it amazing how much writing and reading can help? I feel like I know alot of u personally. This site (more importantly the people who r in the forums) have given me the strength and courage to taper, and now finally get off my 5 yr methadone addiction. Thanks to everyone here and never forget the power of yourself, and the power of your words!
       Thanks, ------Max

[KMdelune]

Hello
            My name is Kevin. My drug of choice like alot of you I see was vicodin.rnengel. Wow, is all I can say. Thank you for sharing its people like you who keep me (atleast) clean another day. Thank you for sharing. I just started on this board and can see quite a few very cool people.I dont have many friends its just My wife,son and I up in the mountains of a small town in CA. I am very thankful to have found this site. I am going to counsiling and group therapy. but only three days a week still got the other 4 to get thru. It doesnt help that the pills are still in the house my wife takes em (She abosutly needs them to function with alot wrong) she has them locked up too and doesnt take them around me . but it still runs through my head that they are there. addiction is very powerful and I have been struggling on and off for a year now. I am on like day 46 now for this time and live one day at a time. Its all we can do. I look foreward to alot of good post and friends from here ( I need more friends to be able to talk to) Hope everyone has a blessed night.

[rnangel]

Thanks for reading my posts. I always start writing with the intention of making my point short and sweet but it never turns out that way LOL. I'm so happy to be a part of this community and have genuine love and understanding for all members and visitors.

I have struggled with addiction for many years. Whether it be dilaudid, cocaine, exessive spending or dieting..it's all the same. I had nearly a decade of abstinence from drugs only to shop like a maniac or diet my way to self-acceptance. Only recently did I realize that I was moving from one addiction to the next. I spent last Christmas in rehab away from my family. It was a very lonely time and my anger and bitterness impeded any healing for heartfelt transition to take place. I was clean for just over a year then BAM! Full blown relapse! To say I was heartbroken and disappointed with myself was an understatement.

I found this forum while I was in the active phase of a serious cocaine addiction. I couldn't even explain why I was using. My friends and family don't use, I love my kids, my husband, my job and the list goes on. I was my own worst influence and it scared the heck out of me. I struggled and struggled. I relapsed time and time again. The depression became so frightening that I could not see life without sadness and pain. I hated myself. I felt weak and powerless.

Then I realized, I AM POWERLESS over this drug. That's why I'm an addict dammit. This is what addiction looks like. I'm a 'normal' addict and there is hope for me to recover. I am not able to take ANY mood altering substances because I am an addict.

For years, I tried to rationalize that somehow my achievements could spare me the addict label. I spent 7 years in university and made the Dean's list every semester...and I am an addict. I work with highly respected Doctors and Surgeons...and I am an addict. I can't escape it so I need to embrace it. I pray for humility daily and seek teachable moments.

I attend meetings with a different outlook now. I mobilized every resource I could think of. I talked openly and honestly with a select few and was willing to take any kind of help I could get. I have a sponsor who calls on me nearly everyday. I gave my atm card to my hubby. I continue to post here and share openly at meetings because my sobriety largely depends on it. I hope to share my thoughts and experiences so that others don't feel like the freak that I did for so many years.

Surrender and Serenity to all

[133113]

You guys are very right. It's a choice and I can't just do it my way.  It's very bizarre how you give into the cravings even though you really do not want to. It's obvious therapy is not enough. Does any one suggest any books that have helped them?

[stacey1979]

No Matter what it is a choice! And that choice has to be made by you and me and every other addict!!

[lulu747]

I second that.  Surrender has been a big theme in my life-and I don't think that it is exclusive to addicts.  This is the human condition and we need to dig deep for compassion for others and for ourselves every day.  Nobody does it alone.

[ImDONENoMore]

mangel - WOW.  I continue to learn from you and I am so grateful you are here.  :)

[rnangel]

ImDONE gave you some sound advice. I know that NA meetings are not for everyone. I strongly believe that this is why not everyone stays clean.

When I initially chose to get clean, I went to several NA meetings. I didn't really enjoy them much. I felt like an outsider. I was in the early stages of abstinence. I was cranky and didn't want to be around anyone. I was tired of hearing everyone talk about decades of sobriety. I thought, "why the heck are you still coming then?" I was so naive and had much to learn about addiction and myself. I thought I could fight this battle without NA or any after care at all.

For several months I was doing ok. Staying clean without thoughts of using...Then I relapsed. The intensity of this relapse was more severe than I ever experienced. It quickly progressed to a life and death situation.

Now I'm 20 days clean. Of course it was a difficult struggle. Cravings kept bringing me back. No amount of love and support from my family was able to keep me from using. If you read through some of my posts you will see an addict who bounced from good days to bad days. I had accepted long ago that I was an addict but I was still wanting to do it my way. Catching the occasional meeting was not enough. My best thinking kept bringing me back to the life I HATED.

Consistent aftercare was the only thing that worked. Staying clean is not a matter of willpower. Thinking that you need to be stronger will only lead to feelings of hopelessness and disappointment in yourself. We are not addicts because we are weak. The whole concept of addiction is that we are powerless over our drug of choice. We cannot do it alone.

Finding the power to overcome the cravings comes in the guise of our willingness to surrender. One sure way to safeguard our recovery is to surround ourselves with people who share our heartfelt desire to quit using. Those people can be found here and at meetings.

All addicts self-medicate to cover up some kind of emotional pain. Even if we can name the cause of our emotional struggles it does not change the fact that we have developed neuropathways that favor addiction. Therapy may help us to understand the reason why gravitate toward addiction. Genetics may further explain this. But can we change the phenomenon of our lived experiences? Can we change our gene pool? Nope. Not at all. We can alter how we preceive our trauma, but it doesn't change the face of our addiction.

I strongly suggest that you explore your reasons for not wanting to attend meetings. Have you had a bad experinece? Did you not connect with a certain group? Please keep mutual support groups in mind. Try a few different meetings until you find a group that is a good fit for you. All groups have different dynamics. Anyhow I just wanted to share. Nobody is here to pass judgement. It's clear that you choose life. Unfortunately there is no magic answer. Recovery is not a matter of luck. Successful recovery is the consequence of your willingness to follow through with a consistent pattern of new behavior...with new people. That's the key. That's my story.

Peace and hugs

[ImDONENoMore]

Sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy to me "a week and I'll relapse" - it's that kind of thinking that will keep you falling.   And one you need to BREAK right now.

So no, you do NOT need to do like you've done before, by relapsing after a week. You CAN keep going if you choose to - that's the point.  YOU are in control of what you choose - not some stupid pill or drug.  So find a way to believe that and you'll be half way there.  And that, I think, means continuing your therapy and not believing you can find all the answers in a few sessions.  Yes, addiction is a lifelong battle, but much easier, I mean MUCH easier, to handle when you find a new way of thinking about who you are and what you KNOW you can accomplish.  Living life on drugs isn't living and you know that.  It's an escape and NEVER ends well.