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Need to vent about loving an addict

I apologize ahead of time about my long post but I need a place to spill it out.  I'm a single mother of two and have been divorced for years. I started dating early last year and thought I had met a flawed but wonderful man. He was down to earth, loving, hard working, kind and never criticized. Very skilled at all types of jobs and helpful around the house.
The first signs something was wrong is that he never had money even though he worked a steady 40 hours every week. He didn't even have a wallet. His car broke down and I even signed to help him get a used one. He was grateful and I was in love.
After 6 months, I started to notice a pattern that he would be unavailable the days after getting paid. One night I smelled weed in his place and I questioned him and he denied using that drug.
Months later and lots of suspicious disappearances I was informed by his ex wife that, "no honey, he doesn't smoke weed, he smokes crack". The floor went out from under me. I was never raised around drugs or people who used them and didn't see the physical signs. I tried to end things more for the lies than for the drug use. I know that he wasn't sleeping around because that's not his MO
In the last four months, we've been on and off many times. He says he wants help but doesn't move in that direction. He lost his job last month and has been taking small jobs but is smoking whatever he makes every night now. He put himself on a waiting list for rehab but don't know if it will even help.  
I know I've enabled him a lot because I was giving him money whenever he asked because I didn't know. But then I go and get him a phone so he can do deliveries for work. Yet all I see that calls after work are to his dealers.  And of course he hasn't paid the car in months.
I'm getting so tired of worrying about him because I love him like no one else. I want to leave him and just dedicate my life to my kids, school and work  again but that's so difficult.  I feel if I leave him he will never get help and will let his life get even worse since he's so sensitive to depression.
I really dream of having a normal life with this man. But am I just fooling myself? I don't know if there's anything I can do?
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Avatar universal
Sorry I wanted to add that he's been wonderful and loving with my mother and kids. That what makes it even harder. I've never let anyone into my life this way. And my mother, who is so hard to please, has a soft spot for him too. Her stepfather was a morphine addict but he was also kind and loving. She has hope for him but I also haven't told her his drug of choice
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Avatar universal
I was in the same situation. It was so painful, my heart aches still when I think about it. Here's the truth...nothing you do will help this man. He MUST help himself. You can't control an addict. But...I'm  still with the guy, happily married and we both have been clean and sober for a long time. The ONLY reason we worked is because he ended up in jail for two years. We had that time apart to get well. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I know that it hurts. Pray hard. And please put those kiddos and yourself first. Let God deal with your man. It will all work out , it just might hurt a bit or a lot, but definitely, get him out of your healthy life. You get back to good and let God take care of your man.
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Avatar universal
" But am I just fooling myself? I don't know if there's anything I can do? "

Yes, there is something you can do: go to an alanon meeting asap. You are extremely enmeshed w/ an addict. You are an enabler and you are not focusing on your own life and your own NEEDS. Alanon teaches you to detach from the addict, and learn, not only why you chose who to love (and yes, it wasn't an "accident" that you chose an addict) but mostly how to feel calm regardless of what the addict does. Like the above poster says, there is absolutely nothing you can do to get someone clean. You CAN stop enabling (money, place to live, co-signing things, etc) because you are helping keep the addiction going.

Every single person who posts on here says that the addict they love is the most wonderful, caring, supportive person. None of that matters when that someone is truly unavailable, broke, and in chaos because of their addiction. You deserve better:)
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Avatar universal
Thank you very much to the both of you. Jifmoc, you are so so right when you say it isn't an accident I chose an addict. I must stop trying to save the world. I will pray hard, which I've stopped doing for a while, and find support at an Alanon meeting to get over my own addiction to this man.
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