OK SO HERES THE TRUTH

[frustrated431]

i am one day off prescription pain killers see i have a chronic pain condition but my DR's are just being jerks and there is nothing i can do so now into detox mode igo i wish i could say that my boyfriend was supportive but he is at his wits end with all the mood swings and bitchy ness so now i feel alone and lost like i am in a cold dark room with no one or nothing i just had to finally vent this and tell someone thanx for listening
Steph

[Cherie762]

hi Stephie....big hugs  love prayers and good wishes,,,,,,did you know that you are

a smart..deep thinker..who has a wonderful talent for writting...di ya know you are a good mom who plays games and lets her boys win,,,did you know you are popular and have lots of friends.....theres so many good things about Stephanie...your a great person...rise above the pain of a break up...do something good like you do on here...goodness always wins Stephanie and you are good,

[star641]

hi stephanie how are you today ?...i see you have lots of support and its not going away
we are here to stay with you ,. i see what20s has giveing you some very good advice  
about talking to a psychologist i go to talk to one and she is very good she has helped me to see things in such different ways to the way i had been seeing them ,.
she has even helped me to cope in my marriage ,after loosing two children it wasnt easy
as far as my marriage was concerned she has been just great with me ,.
please give it some thought and try one out ....
i hope your are ok ,.....bernie

[aws01]

Hey,  I know how you feel,  when I first started detoxing, my fiance was very
unsupportive too.  I felt alone and scared, and was very moody.  You can't help having those feelings, thats part of addiction and withdrawing.  But if you need to talk, come back here, there are SO many people here that are more than happy to listen and try to help you thru these hard times. Please don't give up, and I hope your boyfriend will
wise up and realize you really need his love and support right now.  Vent anytime, we are all here for you.

[want20s]

Stephanie,

I have read all your posts and see that you are in a bad place still. I understand that, I too lied to my wife about my pk use, she didn't want me to use them, but because of pack problems that led to surgery, I chose to use them. She was pissed at me and still is, but for me she is giving me support because she knows I am still in this body that is all screwed up from the pk's. I am almost off them (next will I am off them completely) and while that part *****, you can get through that easier with the intestinal fortitude that you have. The other part of your story is the mental aspect, during my problems with my back my mother went through 2 major depression disorders and we think she is bi-polar. If part of your problem is mental then you need to see a psychologist.They can help rebuild and reshape your life and it will help with the addiction part too. Building a wall around your heart is not a good way to live life. Unfortunately, heart breaks are a part of love, but if he couldn't deal with it then that was his choice and HE did not love you like you loved him. The way you talked of him it almost seemed you wanted to marry him. Just think of that and him saying he would love you for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part. I think the answer is obvious, you could actually do that for him, but he would be lying if he said that. I am like you, I am addict, I let a drug take over my life for awhile, but slowly you can get your life back and just remember you have a lot to offer someone. With the ability to love God has given you, someone worthy of you will be there in the future. In the mean time learn to love yourself and everyday you have. Just try to hang in there and find some positive things to focus on, even if it means writing them down and posting them so you can see what you have.

[star641]

Stephanie its no prob to talk to you ,..you are in pain and talking is good if there is anything you want to talk about then you just pore out you heart ,...
i know you feel like you could just die but you wont your body wont let you ,.
we are built to withstand the toughest things that happen to us ,..
how do you think I'm still here ,...Ive had my fare share of broking hearts ,..
i do know how i never took a heart attack you will survive this i promise ,.
the ache in your heart will go away ,...and by you saying you will never let no one get close to your heart again means your already getting stronger ,..but you will love
someone else i know you will because you are a girl with a bit heart ,...Stephanie that is life and i know you are hurting but dont let him take away all that love you have inside of you ,...when your better you will know yourself ,.....
om ok you just look after yourself for now ,.....i will drop by to see how you are doing is that ok ,.....take care hun xx,........bernie .

[frustrated431]

Thank you for your kind words and telling me some of your story right now i just feel as if i could die from this  heart he broke i understand what your saying the only thing is i have to go there all the time and it kills my heart just a little more each time sometimes i wonder if the heartache will ever go away or if the heartache will consume me completely i know one thing i will never ever let some one that close to my heart again the wall is up and its made of brick and it wont EVER come down i can promise you and everyone else that
thanx for your help in this time of need i only hope i can help you in your need of trouble
thanx so much
Stephanie

[star641]

i know your heart hurts i really do i had my heart broke just like you have ,and I'm not talking about my kids this was a long time before my kids so i do know what that kind of hurts feels like ,but it will ease with time im telling you it will ,....just look at it this way you said he had your stuff  packed the night you went in to the psych ward so what does that tell you what kind of a man he was .?he couldn't tell you because he hadn't got the guts to ,i just hate it when men can just walk away and leave the women to pick up the piece's ...hes not worthy of you dear .remember that .
let him see if he can find someone with a heart as big as yours ,....this hurt will take some time for you to get over but it will make you stronger please put yourself first now .
and as Ive said someday your prince will come when your strong enough .
and just try one day at a time to get on with your life ,...I'm rutting for you mind yourself
and take care ,.....bernie [[[[[[[[hugs]]]]].

[frustrated431]

i think the best thing is to just walk away and chalk it up to another leason learnded and go on it just hurts so very much my whole heart is torn in two

[frustrated431]

thanx for taking the time to comment and read my post it means alot it's just so hard to let him go i only wish he could understand about  THE PILLS AND THE MOOD DISORDER I HAVE AND GIVE ME MORE TIME TO GET BETTER BUT HE FOUND SOMEONE ELSE AND I HAVE TO RELIZE THAT AND GO ON WITH MY LIFE

i only wish that he had told me this before sending me into the funny farm can you believe he had my stuff packed that same night i went into the psych ward ?????

oh well i will get over it someday right
talk to you soon

Stephanie    

[star641]

hi frustrated431 I'm so sorry for what you are going through my heart goes out to you
i have been reading all of these posts and my god you do have some support ,
hun you must do this for you and no one else you are number one here ,
its your life that is at stake here not you boyfriends ,try and  take control of it yourself ,
can i tell you a little about my life ,..i had 4 beautiful children two boys and two girls ,
two of my children took there lives and i how have one son  and one daughter  left ,
my daughter seen her older brother and younger sister die from suicide but she is still with us ,...Lisa ,now Lisa is a recovering heroin acidic she had an addiction to drugs  
she lost her brother and we thought she would go back on drugs but she didn't it was so hard for her not to when i know she could have just to forget what happened but she fought it ,.
3 years later her sister died from suicide we thought this is it now Lisa will go back to taking drugs and we will lose her next god only knows i even wanted to go on heron to forget my two children had died never mind Lisa ,...now there was a big gap in lisa's life what will she do now
she has lost the two most precious  people in her life ,...
oh she needed help i wont say she didn't she is on anti depression meds but he fought
going back to the life of drugs ,..I'm so proud of my Lisa for her courage in staying of drugs after the worse thing she had to face in her whole life ,...she did it hun and i know you will fight this thing also you will meet the man of your dreams some day also, just like Lisa did but first you must help yourself to get better ,..i will never give up on you please don't give up on yourself ,someday your prince will come ,....take care [[[[[[[[[hugs ]]]]]]]].

[frustrated431]

i got out of the mental hospital on friday and he already had everything packed and refused to let me come back he only told me it was my last chance with him so he could get me help i feel like i have wasted a whole year of my life on nothing but i didnt need rehab or anything this time all i needed was to get psych meds fixed not a need for any controled drug now i am desperatly in pain about losing chris but as they say there are many fish in the sea and that if you love something you have to set it free if it comes back it was meant to be if it doesnt then go on whith your life and try to make the best of this tuff time he still wants to be friends and insists that he lied for my own good but i think its just a cop out for finding someone else she ids young and can still have children if that is what he wants and i cant give it to him then by all means i guess i have to let him go it hurts but i guess it will get easier every day at least i dont feel so uncontrolable all the time now
thanx to all again
Stephanie

[boogieman]

hi there. good advice from these folks and remember, things may not be alright at the moment, but you will be. take care,   gm

[freebird227]

WOW!!!!!! These women have really soursed you with so much love and support. Try to take the focus off him and what life will be like if he leaves, and  focus on your next plan of action as to how you are going to get clean.To the best of your ability stay out of your head in writing your life's script. You don't know what the future holds,and everything you are sayin to yourself are life depleating thoughts..First things first call someone and get some help. Keep posting here to get support and don't use no matter what.
        1. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction.
                                                                                     blessed be

[Cherie762]

rj is right well said  RJ

[RJ233]

I have lived with others with addictions.I have seen it from the other side.You can not base your life on anothers reactions.People can't be your reason to work for control.It has to be you.Getting drunk does not make the problem go away.Tomorrow when you wake up it will still be there.You will feel bad because you got drunk.I have seen the destruction of people from addiction.You must think about tomorrow and where are you going to be.Are you going to give up because someone failed you or are you going to be your own person and use every ounce of your strength to help your problem. There is no single person that can do this for you, it is only you.Until you really desire to be addiction free, nothing will change and you will face a future of the same repeated life. You can beat it.I know one person, that I never thought would make it,do it.He had the desire and a strong one. You have admitted you have a problem and this I know is the first step.Concentrate on you and what difference it will make in your life. I do not pretend to know all about the subject or to judge anyone,just to share what I have seen and lived in.You have a lot of people on this forum that care and are there for you. I wish you the very best

[backagain11]

This is why we dont base our recovery on another person rather then ourselves. Ultimatly it will always come down to doing it for yourself and again, everybody benifits. Also doing it for yourself doesnt mean doing it alone,from the forum to 12 step programs,to counsling and more an addict is only alone if they choose to be.

[frustrated431]

he has been talking to someone else and now its over i cant do this again not alone i just cant

[avisg]

awwwe hun,what happened ?Give yourself both some time you are going threw a really hard time but it is going to get better .

[frustrated431]

its over hes gone and its all my fault i cant get him back

[j34]

What did you do when you stayed clean for 7 yrs?? Go back to basics Do what you did before !! You can do this....

[dominosarah]

Getting drunk wont help one thing at all right now.  It will only make the situation worse.  You have to think about you right now and have to get yourself better with or without him.  I know this hurts but if you want that chance for the 2 of you you have to get your life in order.  Would he be willing to come on here and look around?

[frustrated431]

because what if he just doesnt care or understand then what? the whole point is to make him relize that i have changed and can change i just dont want to lose him in the mean time i know that what i did was wrong and i should have been mopre sensitive to his feelings he has told me its to late he is at his wits end there is nothing i can do but try to move out and hyave somne time apart but i am to scared that he will just give up and find someone new he says that apart of him still loves me but what if that is not enough? i think its hopeless  and maybe i should just give up on everything including myself right now i just want to get drunk and forget what i have done

[backagain11]

If one of your concerns right now is your boyfriends frustration then what better way to give him confidence then being clean and getting involved in na if just going to meetings. After a while you"ll realize that you MUST do this for yourself and everybody around you benefits anyway.

[frustrated431]

thank you all for all your support but the thing is i have been absolutely horrible and a couple of weeks ago i told him that i would get help and well i never did and now he says that he cant trust me i know he loves me cuz if he diidnt he wouldnt still give me a place i would be out on my butt but he is all i have now and without him i know i cant do this i need him more than anyone or anything before i want so much to tell him and make him understand that i can be that person that he fell in love with but he jas never had to deal with anything like this before i KNOW that when i get clean i will be that person again im just so scared that while i am getting help he will find someone without all this baggage he does deserve to be with someone that can make him happy and not have all these problems that i have its just so hard to trust that our love is that strong and i have been so horrible to him lately what if its to late how can i live without him or live with myself knowing that i am the reason i lost the only man who has ever loved me unconditionally?
Steph