Off to the doctor, Time to get honest.

[Pat1956100]

I am so tired of doctoring myself.  I have managed to achieve feeling so sick, depressed and lots of anxiety so I guess it's time to listen to my doctor.
First time I am going not seeking opiates.  Hopefully I took my last today.
Had to take something just to get out of bed and be able to go to the doctor.
Day 1 will begin again tomorrow, no matter what.
Really, really sick and tired of all of this.
Rock bottom?  Yeah I think so.

[Pat1956100]

So nice to hear from you 2.
I have missed both of you so much on this forum.
We need you!!!
I know you're busy but still.  I'm back so you should be too.

Sara, glad I could make you smile.  It didn't make me smile :(

[conhall]

Pat I Think going to group therapy would be great for you. I go to group therapy and it has helped me more than anything. Its a small group 4 of us. I look forward to my group every week and the 4 people in it are my lifelines and I have learned so many things that help me stay clean.
Give it a try :)))

[kyle505]

You will look back and feel proud; and then you can start looking forward again. In a strange way my days in detox hell were something that I really needed to experience. During my 15 years of using I had gone through some bad withdrawals, but nothing like my last one. I think age had a lot to do with it, plus the amount and strength of the drugs I was taking.
Hundreds of us have done it; there's no reason why your name can't be added to the list. You've already shown the desire and the backbone - all that's left is taking the first step.  We are here for you.

[dominosarah]

Nothing like feeling the "burn"!!!  Sorry Pat, but this did make me smile a bit!!  lol

[Jade59]

Best of luck, Pat!  Really!!  I could be wrong, but I think Bkitty has a 'chili' story somewhere in her journals also! lol  

[Pat1956100]

haha, what a dummy I am.  I didn't even think about it and I knew I was going to start my detox.  
I am feeling excited about this.  Just starting day 1 and hoping for the best.

[Brightfutureahead]

I'll remember that Pat lol. I read thru this thread....just wanted to say seems like you are doing great :)

[Pat1956100]

I managed 3 hours sleep.  Here's a tip I have never read on medhelp.
Don't make a huge pot of chili  and eat it for 3 days before starting withdrawals.
Yeah you heard it from me and I had to test it before I posted it.
It's now a proven fact.

[Pat1956100]

144 days sound like lots to me.  When I get 144 days I will feel like a champion and I'm not kidding.  Seriously that's fantastic and you are doing something that works.
Please pm me with anything that you think I am missing.
I want to do it right this time and my mind is wide open.  I appreciate all your advice.

[clean_in_ks]

Well, babe, I don't have LOTS clean time, but I'd be happy to share with you anytime, anyhow........I'll PM you if you please??

And crunched.......I'm with Pat.....enjoy your movie and see how it goes tomorrow.  ~~

[Pat1956100]

Aww sweety, stay strong.  You don't need pills.  Snuggle up with the dog and enjoy the movie.  Tomorrow will be a better day.

[Pat1956100]

Ugh I didn't know you had to deal with the benzos as well.
I will be very careful.  
Thanks for you support and congrats on your clean time.  I know you have battled this for awhile and I know how hard it is to get there.
I am so disgusted with myself for having so start over again but I know I don't have any control over them.
It's nice that they aren't around me anymore calling my name and I don't have to think about her next script coming in.  She even offered me 40's before she left and I said No.  Just pack your bags and go please lol.
I had gotten percs off of her and really went to town with them so I am going to suffer the consequences now.
I think I have finally reached the point of being done with them.

[smiles4eva]

I have told you from day one I will always support you and I mean it. It must be a huge weight off your shoulder to be getting rid of that tenant!
Be careful with the benzo, I never knew what people meant and then I learned.  It's a whole nother mental battle that you don't need!  Wishing you all the best!

[Pat1956100]

Let me know what doors you don't think I'm ready to close because I am willing to do whatever is necessary to stay clean.
I have tried to do it my way many times and it hasn't worked so I am ready to do it the right way now.
I have to get through the withdrawals and I know that's the easy part but I am still afraid of them.  I am also afraid of what happens after but I can't overwhelm myself of I will start with the anxiety issues.
I am very open to any suggestions or help that people with lots of clean time have.  
Thanks for your support.

[clean_in_ks]

Glad I didn't get on here until tonight.  Now I'm up-to-date on your news!  I've had you on my heart constantly knowing you were seeing the dr. today.

You've been hangin here for long enough to know what was missing in your recovery plan b4. And I already hear you becoming willing to try things that scare you.  The drug addiction therapy AND going to NA sound FABULOUS!!  "Fear will NEVER be our friend".  

You don't have to share at an NA mtg your first time, or ever for that matter.  You just need to "suit up and show up" and let God take you from there. You will be encompassed in LOVE!  The therapist can help with the grieving and deep seeded stuff and the NA group can help with 12 steps and friendship and laughing and on and on.... skin on support and new friendships with people who want to stay clean, too.  You definitely will stop feeling so ALONE.

When I read your posts above, I still picked up on a few doors you aren't ready to close ALL THE WAY.....progress not perfection, right?   I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT PAT!!
Love & hugs to you dear one~

[vicki595]

Sarah gives us all strength Pat!!

I'm proud of you for making the attempt to get this recovery going!  The devil we know is ALWAYS easier to hang out with...

[Pat1956100]

Yes I have finally learned that it is necessary and you can't hide from it.  It just won't go away.
You give me strength lady.  

[Pat1956100]

No I can phone tomorrow and get an appointment.  Hopefully it will be soon.  I shouda woulda coulda done this a LONG time ago but I really freaked when they said the first time was a group.  I guess I still wanted to hide.  I don't know if all of the therapy will be in groups but the initial assessment is.  I didn't go any further when I heard that so I don't know what all is involved but I think it's what I need to do.
I think this will help overcome my fears and then I will be able to go to NA.  Even if I can get to a meeting and sit down without shaking like a leaf, it will be progress.  

[dominosarah]

We will both get thru this Pat.  We both have the strength and the willingness to do deal with our losses.  It is a painful journey but oh so necessary.

[vicki595]

Some therapists really love the group dynamic as a therapy...give it a try, most people feel the same way you do.  When are the meetings held? Can you go tomorrow?

[Pat1956100]

Yes we do and I need some counseling.  I was thinking today about the drug addiction therapist that is available.  I checked it out before but freaked out when I found out that the first interview was in a group.
For some reason that doesn't scare me anymore.
I am thinking that would be a good start????
I hope you are letting out your grief sara and have people around you that support you and try to understand.
Remember it's okay to cry and feel the pain.  
I am going to try and take my own advice.

[dominosarah]

Pat...When are you going to check into some type of counseling?  Putting down the meds is a start but we gotta get to the root of the problem.  You and i have some grieving to do.......

[vicki595]

You DO have so much insight Pat...you always have. Now, how are you going to "learn how to handle life without drugs"?  It requires a plan and a commitment for every, single day. It requires many personal changes and behaviour changes...AA, of course, is available to you and there are other groups and things you can do but you have to do something, just as I did...

I'm glad you're on the lower dose of Ativan and just reserving it for panic times...

[YesLife4Me]

Sounds like my Gramma.   She died last year at 94 years young from cancer.   She was very strong in her faith, lost her husband and one of her oldest daughter a few years prior to alcoholism.   I know they say it is a disease that runs in the family, and oh boy, does it run in my family!     I had a rough childhood too.  Always felt like something was wrong with me, not quite normal, even though people say I am very intelligent, pretty and have a lot going for me.   I still struggle to see what others see in me.  

You have the right mindset...one second, one minute, one day at a time.  That's all we really have anyhow.  :)