I failed the second test

[opiateswon]

I'd like to begin by apologizing to everyone I've let down on here. Yesterday my bro ended up working overtime and asked me to pick up his pills befor they closed. I really didnt think it would be a problem even though it was my worst day physically so far. I brought the bag to him without lookin inside. He was on break and we were just talking when he reached in and handed me 1. They're perk 10's. I felt relief just being near it and didnt think I would take it. Anyway I had put it in my cigerette pack and forgot about it for a few hours. My whole body was killing me and just walking to my car was a serious feat. I broke down and broke a small piece of it off and took it. I immediately felt shame and mentally abused myself over it. I got sooo sick from taking it I was in worse shape afterwards then before. I flushed the rest of it already, but I'm beating myself up so bad over the relapse that I cant focuss. We are our own worst enemies. Maybe my detox was too easy. I really dont know what went wrong. I've beaten these tests before, but just wasn't strong enough this time. Again, I am truly sorry for letting everyone down.

[Jebs317]

You are by NO means a disappointment!!!  I relapsed after 21 days and took 90 pills!  You broke off a piece and flushed the rest.......what an accomplishment!  You were tempted and the fact that it made you sick.........that will weigh on your mind the next time too!  I am so proud of you for flushing it!  I have been off for 20 days and I have read your posts....you are such an inspiration to me!  I am just so glad that you flushed it and came right back on here.  The reason I am clean today is because of people like you!
Kristen

[witsend0603]

wow.. I know how you feel... I did the same thing when I slipped up and it made me sick too... funny how those little boogers turn on you isn't it... so take it as a lesson and learn from it... if it made you sick to just take part of a pill, imagine what would happen if you fell off the wagon and did alot of them again... see what I mean?  You can take this experience and learn from it to convince yourself to never do it again .. I am thanking God right now that you didn't feel good from it cause that's what would cause a major setback... I beat myself up too when I slipped but then I realized without that slip I may have always wondered if they would still make me feel good ... now I know otherwise...

[Zenpariah]

If it was me...I would've probably taken the whole thing....ok so, look at the facts...you did it....you were instantly aware and ashamed of your choice and you flushed the rest...even if you didn't flush it and took the whole thing, the fact is you realized!!  That is A HUGE STEP!  So where do you go from here?

You, start back at day one...tell yourself, wow yeah I messed up and took one...but it was JUST ONE!!  Next time I'm presented with this challenge, I'll be stronger. YOU CAN!!  YOU WILL!!

Is your family member aware that you're trying to get off of pills?  I'd think if they were aware of your choice, they'd honor your choice.  If they aren't aware, then that puts more pressure on YOU to make good choices!

In closing, let me say...it's ok!  No one will give up on you here....NO ONE!! You will beat this...one day at a time!!!  YOu can do it!!  We all are rooting for you!

[pharma9]

Hey..hey...those sour moods accomplish nothing.Think POSITIVE...even if you tripped up a little...you are back on track and a valuable lesson learned.
I thoroughly understand the disappointment in yourself,but let it go and continue with your healing.
Post often and let us know how you are doing

[vicki595]

Hey~  I know exactly how you feel. I'm there!  But learn and move on.That's what I'm trying to do. I'm pretty po'd at myself right now but I do know that I have to forgive myself
in order to get out of the hole.  I didn't have a major lapse either...but it was a lapse.Now I know of a major trigger for me and I can thwart it!  You can,too.
Vicki  xo

[opiateswon]

Thanks Sarah, but I feel I let others down. I pushed myself through the 8 days of Hell only to fall on my face. I encouraged others right there with me only to fail myself. Hard thing to let go today and boy is my mood sour. Thanks again for all the posts.

[opiateswon]

Thank you for the positives my frustration fails to see. I'm just confused and heartbroken about the whole thing. I should've seen myself stepping away from here and my support and taking a chance like that. I'm scared to death of my proceedures next month now cause I was thinking I could handle radiation without anything and I cant even handle the normal pain without something. GRRRR I'm so frustrated.

[opiateswon]

Thank you. I think I'm a little too overwhelmed right now to see this experience outside the box and will beat myself up mentally today for all that hard work to be for not. If it had been my husband, I probably would've screamed and yelled a bit. I let myself down. Recovery was MY choice and I let myself down. I am very ashamed and feeling negative about starting from today all over again.

[dominosarah]

You didnt let any of us down.  You only let yourself down.  You are going to have to stay away from these "tests".  As an addict we dont usually pass.  Gotta stay away from any or all opiates and people who have them.        sara

[iknowicandothis]

Don't beat yourself up...actually you should be commending yourself for not even taking the whole one and flushing the rest of it...you just have to get back on your horse and ride it out! How many days were you clean before this happened? I have relapsed off and on myself, and if nothing else it re-affirms that you don't REALLY want to take any, it's just your addiction talking. You have it in your head that if you just take one, then everything will be happy-go-lucky, b/c that's the way they used to make you feel. But that's not the case, as you said it made you sick. The age old adage still holds true "Just Say No!" But that's one statement that's MUCH easier said than done! Like I said, don't continue to mentally abuse yourself over it...there are positives in everything we experience in life, even if we can't see it right away. I think in your case it made your realize that those pills cannot be counted on any longer as a relief...time to start living life naturally!! Oh, and get some exercise!!! Pump yourself back up about being clean, and don't let this one little mishap stop you from achieving your ultimate goal! Don't wallow in the past...look forward to a bright and clean future! :) Keep moving forward!

[tellit2her]

Its pretty normal for someone to themself up after failing a mental test. The real question is what are you going to do about it now. You cannot beat yourself up to much or too long, and as long as you feel that you really did not gain anything out of this, then let this be a lesson for things like this in the future. I think that you learned something from this experience and now you know another trigger, and this was a trigger. Write it down in your journal too as this being a major trigger as going to the store and getting scripts for someone. You are not that strong yet as to do these things. We learn, and we grow, move forward and your honesty has much to say about you as a recovering person. You have grown,,, god bless, mike in nc

[opiateswon]

Thanks for your post. I just keep wishing I could have said that I flushed the whole thing! But no, I put that crap back into my body and am sooo upset and angry I just cant think straight. Flushing the rest was really easy! Moving forward feels hopeless today.

[pharma9]

You flushed the rest of it....so don't feel so bad.
That took a lot of strength and you will pass the next test.
Just goes to show you how easy it is to relapse and how much strength and determination it takes to avoid failure.
Keep taking your vitamins and minerals and be proud that you flushed the rest and keep on.