Oxy abuse - my story

[fordfanatic]

I started using recreationally in College about 3.5 years ago, during my sophomore year. Dose started off at half a 30mg pill. I would usually split it with somebody else. That habit went on casually for about a year or so. Towards the later years of undergrad, I started using a 30mg pill all to myself. Several of my friends developed nasty habits when being in school around them and selling them. They were basically always around. Surprisingly for me, my occasional use started to turn into more of a serious habit within the past year, after graduation. The stress of my graduate school program led me to the pills to relax and escape. I would go to my friends house on the weekends, and eventually started doing them every single week. At least 2 pills. This became normal. I then progressed into stopping by during the week as well to look for a nice relaxing mid-week break. Basically, you guys know that this is the point where I should have stopped. I must have started to use them to the point where when I was not doing them, I started feeling that lethargic, mentally tired and an overall "shot" feeling. As a result, I started doing them more and more, because I felt like they were "waking me up" and allowing me to do lots of my graduate school-work in the late hours of the night. It would have been impossible to stay awake without them at this point. I was doing maybe 90-120mg a night the past few months, at least 3 days of the week, and they days in between when I would skip I would feel really tired and completely wiped out from the beginning to the end of the day. I have been managing to keep afloat at work, since there is really not that much supervision and as long as you get your work done, nobody says anything. I finished my grad degree, and the only people that know I use are my friends at this point. Family, girlfriend and co-workers are unaware of the situation, although I have told my girlfriend over and over how I feel depressed, tired, weak. Obviously, I know why I feel the way I do, but I cannot get myself to tell her because I am afraid of admitting to this addiction. I know at this point, that is exactly what it is. I am ashamed of myself for putting myself in this situation. I tried to stop using two weeks ago, I managed to go 6 days without any pills and only one suboxone strip, and felt like I "earned" myself to use for just one more night. I ended up doing 4 30 mg pills that night, and then picked up and did another three the next night. Afterwards, the next day I was feeling good until I felt the withdrawals begin again. I picked up another sub strip to help get through this again, and at the end of today, it will be 5 days without any pills. I spoke to a mental health counselor yesterday, and told her everything I said here and more because I am committed to getting better. I also want to use these forums as another way of speaking my mind and talking with people who have dealt with this problem. I am sorry for the long post, but I wanted to get the whole story out. I do not want to deal with this addiction any more, and need to learn how to effectively deal with the voice of the "devil in my ear" telling me it is okay to do one more, that it'll make you feel better, have more energy, just one more night...

I'd love to hear from some people. Thank you.

[fordfanatic]

Hey Junip, I know I really messed up and put my life in danger for a stupid high. I am very serious with my girlfriend. We've been together since high school. Way before this ever happened. We do not live together yet, but we really love each other. It kills me that I haven't told her. I know that I need to go to these NA meetings. It would be a good thing for me.

[Junip]

Oh Ford, so sorry to hear that. And you scare me, that dose, even spread out, could be lethal in a day. You just never know, that is the most frightening part. Let me ask you; I know you told your cousin but not your girlfriend. Are you serious with your girl? Do you live together?  If so, I really think you should consider telling her. It really does help keep you accountable. In your case, you have friends who use and easy access; that is TOUGH. I think, as difficult as it is, that you should tell her. When I told my husband, he was upset that I did not come to him sooner and it was like a weight off. Dust yourself off and try again. Also,  NA is wonderful.  I was TERRIFIED when I first went. Let me tell you, it was AMAZING.  So much love and support and no judgment.  Give it a try.

[fordfanatic]

Thank you. I told the guy I pick up from to no longer text me when he gets them. Even though he is my friend and has been since before I started doing these, I am going to delete his number. It is just one step more I would have to go through to get in contact with him.

[Sonrissa]

Hi Ford,  I'm very sorry to hear about your relapse.  It's time to get yourself back on track. In order to avoid another relapse, you need to do a few things. You must cut your sources for pills. Tell your dealer no more, no matter what. Delete phone numbers, change friends, change habits....  Getting counseling is a great form of aftercare, but it may not be enough. I strongly suggest you go to AA/NA meetings. You will get in person support from people who have been or are in similar situations as you. Plus, you will get tools you need to help prevent a relapse. Please give it a try.

Take care, I wish you all the best. Keep posting for support.  

[fordfanatic]

Last night I screwed up and did 120mg of oxy over the course of the night. I thought I would be able to get through the weekend. I am very disappointed in myself for giving in. The only thing I can do at this point is to not give in during a craving, be honest with my counselor on Tuesday and move on from here. She said that if I could not make it til Tuesday that I would most likely need to look into attending NA meetings. That may be my next step. I feel terrible that I gave in.

[Junip]

I get it 100%.  I have used pills for so long, for so many reasons, that the thought of facing life without them feels like walking around naked.  When I have to speak in front of a group of 50 attorneys, I could pop an oxy and no sweat. Crazy day at work? Pills will get me through.  But that is the addict inside of us.  We need to learn to live the "new normal".  Life on drugs is living with blinders on, even though we feel normal on them.  One day at a time...and we can never have another pill.  If we did, we would just escalate again and progressively increase our use.  All of the vets on here tell us that we will be much happier once we get through this and we have to trust them.  Life without chasing a high, without lying to our loved ones, without worrying about whether or not we have enough pills...that is not living.