Oxy abuse - my story

[fordfanatic]

I started using recreationally in College about 3.5 years ago, during my sophomore year. Dose started off at half a 30mg pill. I would usually split it with somebody else. That habit went on casually for about a year or so. Towards the later years of undergrad, I started using a 30mg pill all to myself. Several of my friends developed nasty habits when being in school around them and selling them. They were basically always around. Surprisingly for me, my occasional use started to turn into more of a serious habit within the past year, after graduation. The stress of my graduate school program led me to the pills to relax and escape. I would go to my friends house on the weekends, and eventually started doing them every single week. At least 2 pills. This became normal. I then progressed into stopping by during the week as well to look for a nice relaxing mid-week break. Basically, you guys know that this is the point where I should have stopped. I must have started to use them to the point where when I was not doing them, I started feeling that lethargic, mentally tired and an overall "shot" feeling. As a result, I started doing them more and more, because I felt like they were "waking me up" and allowing me to do lots of my graduate school-work in the late hours of the night. It would have been impossible to stay awake without them at this point. I was doing maybe 90-120mg a night the past few months, at least 3 days of the week, and they days in between when I would skip I would feel really tired and completely wiped out from the beginning to the end of the day. I have been managing to keep afloat at work, since there is really not that much supervision and as long as you get your work done, nobody says anything. I finished my grad degree, and the only people that know I use are my friends at this point. Family, girlfriend and co-workers are unaware of the situation, although I have told my girlfriend over and over how I feel depressed, tired, weak. Obviously, I know why I feel the way I do, but I cannot get myself to tell her because I am afraid of admitting to this addiction. I know at this point, that is exactly what it is. I am ashamed of myself for putting myself in this situation. I tried to stop using two weeks ago, I managed to go 6 days without any pills and only one suboxone strip, and felt like I "earned" myself to use for just one more night. I ended up doing 4 30 mg pills that night, and then picked up and did another three the next night. Afterwards, the next day I was feeling good until I felt the withdrawals begin again. I picked up another sub strip to help get through this again, and at the end of today, it will be 5 days without any pills. I spoke to a mental health counselor yesterday, and told her everything I said here and more because I am committed to getting better. I also want to use these forums as another way of speaking my mind and talking with people who have dealt with this problem. I am sorry for the long post, but I wanted to get the whole story out. I do not want to deal with this addiction any more, and need to learn how to effectively deal with the voice of the "devil in my ear" telling me it is okay to do one more, that it'll make you feel better, have more energy, just one more night...

I'd love to hear from some people. Thank you.

[Bigdaddy1313]

I read your first post. I usually don't read really long posts but you write very well so it flowed. I just wanted to say congrats. One thing I read was about telling your girlfriend and maybe future wife and mother to your kids. I have a great relationship with my wife and for a long time I couldn't tell her I was taking anywhere from 300 mg to 560 mg of oxy's a day (I know I'm lucky I'm not dead). Living this lie was the worst of the worst. I wanted out, I wanted to be healthy again but I didn't know how to do it. The fear of detox had me paralyzed. I finally drove to her work and asked her to take a walk away from her desk. I broke down and told her my ugly secret. She was also really pissed  because I blew 100K on drugs but more so because I lied. She felt like I cheated on her. Not wit another woman but with a drug. In some ways she was right because that freaking pill became all I thought about. Anyway Your gal will forgive you and she probably will admire you for your strength to get out. I started out wanting to take opiates cause I felt great but I ended up absolutely need opiates to get through every hour of the day. Your on the right track. Be careful that you lose sight of the road you were on. Make yourself remember every day the road to hell that you were on. Peace

[Junip]

Ford, I am SO happy that you told your girlfriend!  Trust me, I know how difficult that conversation was for you and how much it upsets you to see her hurt. She will get past it. Isn't it funny that she knew something wasn't right?  When we are in the grip of addiction we do not realize that others may perceive something is amiss. Give her some time to process things and tell her you wanted to tell her but you needed to be ready. Trust me, you made the right decision because you will be more accountable and you also see how your use affects the ones you love the most and who love you the most. It literally broke my heart when my husband found about my most recent relapse and told me how sick he felt because he feared I would not wake up one morning and what would he tell our beautiful boys?  I am really proud of you.

[refills]

Hey ford. A couple of things. Great move in deciding to get well. Congratulations!

So you took a pill, that's over and done with, so don't go worrying about it too much. Recovery only gets harder when you dwell on the past. Get back up and dust yourself off. Do you know the Serenity Prayer? Also, smart move by telling people what your problem is and how you plan to deal with it. One of the idea's I've found is that by speaking out loud about my problems gives me a stronger foundation to build the truth on. I feel that by not telling the truth is the same as a lie. An important part of recovering is accepting that you are an addict and the realization that your brain thinks like one. Being able to tell that what sounds good at the time may be your addict mind dictating to you that one is ok.

I wish you the best ford. The beginning of a long journey that only gets better as time moves forward. One day at a time....ike

[fordfanatic]

Sorry last post got combined with the previous post.

[fordfanatic]

Hey Junip. Well, I told my girlfriend last night the truth. I told her I have been abusing this drug for an extensive period of time and that I have a problem with it. She is really upset with me and doesn't know what she is feeling. She is mostly upset that I have been lying for so long and that she knew something has been wrong for a while but never thought I could lie to her like that. I feel really bad about this, but I know at the very least this is what I needed to do to make sure I never go back to using again. I finally have the feeling that I am never going to try those evil pills again. Hey Junip, I know I really messed up and put my life in danger for a stupid high. I am very serious with my girlfriend. We've been together since high school. Way before this ever happened. We do not live together yet, but we really love each other. It kills me that I haven't told her. I know that I need to go to these NA meetings. It would be a good thing for me.

[Junip]

Just give a meeting a try. I really was scared and it was a very emotional experience. Everyone was so kind, compassionate, supportive. And as for your girlfriend, it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship.  Her support can really make a difference.  We have all messed up; we are human. The important thing is to learn from it and move on. You can do it!

[fordfanatic]

Hey Junip, I know I really messed up and put my life in danger for a stupid high. I am very serious with my girlfriend. We've been together since high school. Way before this ever happened. We do not live together yet, but we really love each other. It kills me that I haven't told her. I know that I need to go to these NA meetings. It would be a good thing for me.

[Junip]

Oh Ford, so sorry to hear that. And you scare me, that dose, even spread out, could be lethal in a day. You just never know, that is the most frightening part. Let me ask you; I know you told your cousin but not your girlfriend. Are you serious with your girl? Do you live together?  If so, I really think you should consider telling her. It really does help keep you accountable. In your case, you have friends who use and easy access; that is TOUGH. I think, as difficult as it is, that you should tell her. When I told my husband, he was upset that I did not come to him sooner and it was like a weight off. Dust yourself off and try again. Also,  NA is wonderful.  I was TERRIFIED when I first went. Let me tell you, it was AMAZING.  So much love and support and no judgment.  Give it a try.

[fordfanatic]

Thank you. I told the guy I pick up from to no longer text me when he gets them. Even though he is my friend and has been since before I started doing these, I am going to delete his number. It is just one step more I would have to go through to get in contact with him.

[Sonrissa]

Hi Ford,  I'm very sorry to hear about your relapse.  It's time to get yourself back on track. In order to avoid another relapse, you need to do a few things. You must cut your sources for pills. Tell your dealer no more, no matter what. Delete phone numbers, change friends, change habits....  Getting counseling is a great form of aftercare, but it may not be enough. I strongly suggest you go to AA/NA meetings. You will get in person support from people who have been or are in similar situations as you. Plus, you will get tools you need to help prevent a relapse. Please give it a try.

Take care, I wish you all the best. Keep posting for support.  

[fordfanatic]

Last night I screwed up and did 120mg of oxy over the course of the night. I thought I would be able to get through the weekend. I am very disappointed in myself for giving in. The only thing I can do at this point is to not give in during a craving, be honest with my counselor on Tuesday and move on from here. She said that if I could not make it til Tuesday that I would most likely need to look into attending NA meetings. That may be my next step. I feel terrible that I gave in.

[Junip]

I get it 100%.  I have used pills for so long, for so many reasons, that the thought of facing life without them feels like walking around naked.  When I have to speak in front of a group of 50 attorneys, I could pop an oxy and no sweat. Crazy day at work? Pills will get me through.  But that is the addict inside of us.  We need to learn to live the "new normal".  Life on drugs is living with blinders on, even though we feel normal on them.  One day at a time...and we can never have another pill.  If we did, we would just escalate again and progressively increase our use.  All of the vets on here tell us that we will be much happier once we get through this and we have to trust them.  Life without chasing a high, without lying to our loved ones, without worrying about whether or not we have enough pills...that is not living.

[fordfanatic]

I have another session coming up with my psychologist on Tuesday. This will be my second time meeting with her. Do you think this is a good form of aftercare?

[jifmoc]

Ford- The cravings dissipate when you start aftercare. I never would have believed it myself but what "they" all say is true. The cravings, obsession do go away, when you work on what's underneath. Removing the drugs is just the beginning.

[fordfanatic]

You are right. I do not want to do undo the progress, but the more I go without it, the more my mind keeps telling me that I am okay to do one now. I know this is the addict in me saying that, but the thought of not using anymore scares me. And the thought of starting to use again scares me too. Such a hopeless feeling...

[Junip]

I am so glad you confided in your cousin, it is very important to tell someone close to you.  You have come so far, hang tough, keep busy and stay the course.  Post whenever you need to!  Just don't use..do not undo all of the progress you have made.

[fordfanatic]

Thank you for all the advice. I told my cousin, who is basically my best friend, the truth about what I have been up to. He knows that I messed around with oxy, but honestly had no idea the extent because I hid my drug use from almost everyone. He was surprised to hear what I had to say, but it felt good to get it out. I really wanted to use tonight, and still right now, want to. I really hope the urges slow down a little because I just want to get high. I can tell getting through this weekend is gonna be harder than I thought.

[Junip]

Great advice and true!  I love the "new playground" bit!

[jifmoc]

Hey Ford- if you stick around you'll see that every new person has the same fears, the same issues, the same doubts. It's amazing how we all think we are the only ones, come to find out, as far as addiction, there's nothing special about any of us!:)

I've been around here for quite a while, too. And I cannot agree w/ jugglin more. We see so so many people come back in a few weeks or months saying they relapsed, or disappear completely. So what jugglin listed as the keys to success are right on. I wish I listened to that advice much earlier myself.

So, I urge you to cut off contact w/ your "buddy" who has pills and whoever else. And look into aftercare now (meetings, etc.)

Keep posting!:)

[Junip]

Ford, awesome job!  Kudos for not stopping and picking up those evil pills. Keep your eye on the prize. I agree, I work long hours in a stressful job and the pills helped me work a rock star, or so I thought.  When I tried to stop, my work actually began to suffer because I became ill and I knew I was in trouble.  It is funny because my husband says the pills have the opposite affect on him, but he is using them legitimately, responsibly and for pain. You got this!

[Real180]

Great job!! Keep up the good work and stay strong.  It will be worth it -- I promise!!!

[fordfanatic]

Thanks for your response. Yes, today is my 6th day clean. I cannot remember the last time I have had a weekend without using, and although I keep having thoughts of using again, I know I can get through this weekend without any pills, and in a way, I am excited to hit the major milestone of going through an entire weekend without using.

[jugglin]

Congrats for admitting your addiction and for your 5 (maybe 6 now?) days clean. Getting into counseling/aftercare is huge cuz it isn't just about stopping the drugs...it is about addressing your addiction.
I've been around here over a year now and will tell you some key pieces of advice that really ring true:

You have got to cut your sources
You have got to change your playground and your playmates
You need to come clean to your spouse
You need some form of aftercare

Know that this crazy, amazing, wonderful journey will have ups and downs, but your worst day clean is so much better than your best day high.
One day at a time and keep your eyes on the prize.
Congrats again - you can do this!

[fordfanatic]

And stay strong staying sober. 13 days is so good, you must be feeling so great.