A brief synopsis: I dabbled in opiates for most of my 20s, but never got addicted. 2 years ago, at the age of 29, I moved from my Canadian home town to San Francisco to take a six figure job with a dot-com. The loneliness started to get to me and I gradually started using more. Despite generally being depressed and wanting to go home, my career continued to advance (even though I did everything possible to screw it up.) 6 months ago I scored a management position at what is perhaps the top digital agency in the world. It was lucrative, but extremely stressful, and that is when I really got addicted - started doing 40mg a night just to be able to sleep. 3 months ago, I realized it was making me more depressed and starting to affect my work performance and I quit without major withdrawals.
In the next month, being of a clear head, I got promoted, plus I took on a consulting gig on the side, bringing me up to an effective $250K annual salary. Then I fell in love with a brilliant but completely ****** up woman, who during the short six weeks we were together, took me to hell and back. She was an addict of a different sort - cocaine. And I found out that she was ******* her dealer. During the time we were together I started to use again - after each fight, which were frequent, I would go buy an 80 and chew "half" just to relax. Soon, I was chewing the whole pill. It started to seriously **** with my mood, I became annoying neurotic to everyone around me, and she dumped me for that reason. Probably a blessing in disguise, since she is in hardcore denial and not willing to make the changes she needs to to be a good partner to anyone.
About a month ago, I realized that I was way out of control, taking 80mg at night, and 40mg in the morning. I was in serious danger of losing my consulting gig, and wasn't performing great at my day job either. Without the morning dose I would be too sick to function at work - and with it, I would be slow, and do a bad job. I faked sick with the flu and quit cold turkey. The acute withdrawal lasted about 4 days, but afterwards, when I went back to work, I couldn't get anything done... I'm guessing it was PAWS that made me feel fuzzy headed and unable to concentrate.
What I wanted to do was go to an addiction medicine clinic and get treated with either Suboxone or with non-opioid medications to help normalize by brain, but guess what? Despite my income, I was down to my last 10 bucks, with all credit overextended. What I had been spending on drugs themselves had been the least of it - I was running up massive debts through sheer neglect - a few unpaid parking citations that turned into booting, towing, and a $2500 charge to get my car back was but one example.
So in my infinite wisdom, I though that perhaps if I took a small dose of a weak opiate, it would take care of the PAWS and allow me to function, and I could wean off it slowly. I spent those last 10 bucks on 5 Vicodins, took two of them, and what do you know? I had a brilliant day at work, and over the next couple weeks pretty much blew Silicon Valley away with my accomplishments. In just 2 or 3 weeks I went from $10K in the hole to $10K up, and moved into what is perhaps the most desirable condo building in Northern California, Of course, during that time, my use was escalating. Now I'm right back at 120mg / day and functioning poorly at the office once again - if I use in the morning, I make mistakes. If I don't, I am a total ******* and **** everyone off. And once again I am out of cash.
Not sure if any of you guys know the answer to this, but, I have a plan with Kaiser through work, and it includes psychiatry and addiction treatment. If I can't pay the co-pays (we're talking small amount of $20 - $100 here), will they treat me anyways and let me pay them in two weeks when I get my next check? I really hope so - because right now, I am in a very difficult situation... to detox cold turkey would mean missing a week of work, which at this point could get me fired, since I have not organized my projects well enough to run themselves when I'm not there. To keep using will probably also get me fired, since I am a total space cadet. So I believe that the appropriate short term solution here is to be treated with Suboxone or even Methadone, so that I can keep working, without being impaired, nor suffering withdrawals. After I get stable, I'll have to deal with the question of how to get off these damn opiates for good. I have no desire to be maintained on any opiate for the long term, since I DON'T EVEN ENJOY THEM - they have become like cigarettes for me, but cigarettes that are going to cause my life to collapse in a spectacular fashion, sooner rather than later.
OK. What is my first step here? Any help is appreciated!!!