I think yhou should just dump them - and start over at day # 1. You can do it!! You're better then the pills!!
As Wildewoman said, if you have any more pills, dump them. And honestly, I really find it hard to believe that you just happened to find 10 Rs at the bottom of your desk. When I used I knew exactly where every single pill was at every moment of the day. Still, I guess it could happen. My concern is what would have happened if you'd found 20 or 50?
Take a moment and read through your post. It is all BS. Your head is still in control and thus all of the excuses and attempts at justifying what you did.
It happened to me, it happens all the time when people are in the early stage of detox - your mind never stops talking to you..."Just one won't hurt. Just one and I can get some rest and then be really ready to stop. Just one, just one..."
You relapsed. The first day you don't take a pill will be day one. And weather or not this "round" will be easier is not the point; it's not what should be concerning you right now. Even though you claim that you took 45 minutes to decide to take a pill, and you needed it to get through the very important meeting (how convenient - you find the pills and happen to have that very important meeting coming up the same day), then why take the rest? You got through the meeting, so why not dump the left overs? I think that you really have to look at this - are you ready to quit? I wonder.
Haha! I loved when your Boss told you dayquil works! Too funny. Dude, you didn't disappoint us. You were just in a sh!tty situation. You weren't feeling good and found 10 pills, early in your detox. That would have been hard for me too. Ummm... As fou round 2. It could go 2 ways, a little easier w/d or worse. Prolonging w/d, yes. That's why everyone tells us to go cold turkey and get over it. I did a taper awhile back and all it did Was prolong w/d. Than, I did cold turkey. My physical w/d lasted about a week. Mental, longer... Anyways, we are here for you and support you. Hope you have a nice day xoxo
Kyle, you have no idea how many pills I have purchased in the past 2 years. I actually figured it out this morning; I prolly spent over 60K in the past 2 years. Thats not an exaggeration and in fact its most likely a low estimate. I used to buy 200 at a time, I would give my dealer 2K every bonus day. So as far as finding some pills, Im not surprised I don’t have more hidden. I would have them in my car, office, home.. I even had a stash in my gym locker. I made 90K last year and I do not have $1 to show for it. That being said, I totally agree with you Kyle!! I didnt just find them, I looked in a place that I would normally stash them. So your totally right!
Thank you - I appreciate the encouragement. Like Kyle said, am I really ready to quit. It’s such a crazy cycle. Not just the pills and detox. But the position the pills put me in as far as my job, it’s almost like a calculated move by the pills. So like I said, I made about 90K last year, no savings and I still created some debt that I currently have to resolve quickly. I also take care of my mother financially, but that’s another story. Anyways, on one hand I will say “ F- It” I don’t care if I miss work, my boss will get over it etc. On the other hand, it’s extremely hard for me to miss a day, let alone a week. I work on commission, if I had vacation time and got paid, that would be a different story. I know, it’s all BS, I’m sure I could always find a reason not to quit. But I have to be able to work and detox at the same time… I don’t know if I can get around that aspect.
Its a good question buddy! I think Im ready, actually I know Im ready. I did a few things to help myself. First off, Ive never actually done the math as far as the money wasted. Ive always known, I just never wanted to even try to compute it. And my addiction would always find a way to justify it anyways. So, Im going to keep the number in front of me...everyday I do not to pills, I will save around $120. I will add it up everyday. I also wrote a list this morning of all the reasons why I want to quit and all the ways my life will be better. And Im just going to try and detox at work again. I dont know how else to do it.
You sound like a young man...And because you have accessed your meds via a dealer, then the temptation will be strong, and get stronger as detox continues. Then there's the mental battle that never stops. When we're young we don't often think about the future, only the now. Even the money thing will eventually be justified by your head.
I don't know what to suggest at this point. I can only tell you that as you get older, the withdrawals get much, much worse, plus there's alway the possibility of death at the hand of your addiction. It's all up to you.
Being able to perform at the level it sounds like you need to would be hard if you quit cold turkey today. Can you take a long weekend this weekend (take off Friday)? If you taper the rest of the week (2 pills a day) and go cold turkey on Thursday afternoon, that would give you 3.5 days. I realize that most people would say that you should go cold turkey today but I realize the work situation may not work for you. Most people can take sick days etc.
Since you aren't buying pills, you will have more money so taking off Friday should not affect you financially. In the end, you will be doing better off financially. Think about that rationalization for a minute and see if it makes sense to you. Let us know what you decide. We will be here for you and I appreciate your honesty.
I’m 35 years old. Is that young? lol... I feel old. I appreciate the honesty and the advice Kyle. I know I want to quit and I know it’s not going to be easy. I also know that I’m an addict. I only recently admitted that. I don’t smoke and I don’t drink much, I’ve never had an issue with anything so it was hard for me to admit that. I do have a very addictive personality thou, even good things – I overdue them. I really wish I would have just toughed it out, I guess I was tricking myself into thinking this would make it easier on myself. You think this next round will be at least a little easier considering I made it 4 days and had minimal amounts the past few days?
This round will be easier. I can tell you that.
Being able to perform at my job is the hardest part for me. And honestly, I dont even know if I can do this job at the level I have been doing it without the pills. Thats a whole other aspect, Ive never done this job without them. Isnt that crazy? Like I said before, I went 30 years of my life without pills and now I feel like I cant fuction without them. It doesnt even make sense when I say it, but thats how I feel.
Could be...And yes, 35 is young. I'm older than you, failed for over 15 years, and I didn't even have an illegal source. My last (and final, I pray) detox almost killed me. Thus my comments to you; when I was your age the withdrawals were tolerable - uncomfortable, pain in the butt, but I managed.
The last one 21 months ago was hell; first day on the bathroom floor in a ball.
THAT never happened before. I have high blood pressure (which I manage just fine with mild BP meds), and even thou I'd doubled the dose I had some symptoms that scared the crap out of me. On and on.
Hopefully you've learned a lesson, or at least understand now that your head will always battle for control. You'll come up with reasons, excuses - ways to rationalize yourself back to the meds. The battle never ends; we just manage the "voice" better the longer we're clean.
All the best.
And to comment on your post to Ann - a perfect example of rationalizing your using..."And honestly, I dont even know if I can do this job at the level I have been doing it without the pills. Thats a whole other aspect, Ive never done this job without them."
There you go. It's starting already.
Hey, I just come off the same amount as u plus I was taking 2 80mg oxycontin a day...I'm on day 8 today, and let me tell u, it was the hardest thing I've ever been thru...I even came off methadone & it was NOTHING compared to this. Not trying to scare u, its doable, but u have to really want it. day 4 was the hardest day & I was so ready to give up, but if wasn't for all the sweet, caring, people on here I would NOT have made it...I think u need to flush those pills, I flushed mine it was so hard, but we love flushing parties around here!! every pill u take is just setting u back! grab it by the balls & get it done! feel free to PM me if u need to talk...rooting for ya! xxoo :))
lol.. didnt even notice it. I guess what I really want to say is that it would be nice if I could at least remember doing this job without them. Unfortunatley, I started them before I got this job, so Ive always been on them. I used to do them on my desk while I was working. But, I know Im capable of working without them. By the way Kyle, thank you for sharing your story. Thats the kind of things that motivate me and stick in my head.
Thank you. I come across a little harsh sometimes, but I really want you to be successful and not waste all the years like I did. No one could tell me anything; I didn't care. But then again, I didn't know about this forum.
Life clean is really remarkable. I never thought I'd get here. Every moment of every struggle was worth it. Good luck.
Harsh is fine with me.... I can handle it and I know its what I need. Thats what I respond to. I will update with day 1 tommorow. I actually feel alot more confident this time. I cant wait for the fun to start again...lol.
Just wanted to lend some support....i was the same way about working without the pills...but I was lucky enough to do acute WDs at home around Thanksgiving last year. Went back to work at both jobs...it was tough and kinda weird at first but it does get better....and I can tell you, it's SO much better off pills...no worry about getting more pills to last the week...or to take a trip. I work out of town alot and now there's no stress about having enough to last...you can do this....just hang tough...you're alot younger than me and you will make it...you just have to want it bad enough...and I agree with Kyle and others....it DOES get harder the longer you use and the detox is harder the older we get. Hang in there! we will help you thru the bad days and nights!!
Thank you for the support. I will be starting "Round 2" tommorow. Let the games begin..lol. I appreciate the support, I find coming on here helps me out way more then I thought.
well good luck tmrw! you can do it..just push thru....yes this place is awesome for support....it got me thru some really tough days...hang tough...you will get thru it!! post when you need support...