Please, anyone - my sanity depends on it

[bemis]

Hello - I've been a user of 5-6 30mg oxy/day. Only ever took them at night. Financially, this has become a huge problem, and I've had enough. I took the next week off work, and today is my first day taking a significantly reduced dose (only 1 30, and I'm going to bed). Tomorrow, I'm hoping to take nothing at all. From what I have read in other posts, day3 or 4 is the worst. I was hoping to confirm this. I have access to Valium, Lomotil and Phenergan, thank goodness, but I would like to know that I'll be okay in 8 days to return to work. I know that after this week of hell - and any info on the circle of hell I will be in would be nice, too - the real work begins. I was self medicating depression and profound unhappiness, until I realized that the self medicating was becoming responsible for what I was trying to escape. The shame, the guilt, the lack of money, the lack of quality time with my wonderful children are now bigger than me. I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE. I want to be free. To travel without worrying whether I had enough meds to 'enjoy' myself. The positives outweigh the negatives for getting off this horrible stuff. Anyone with info on what to expect in the next week and month, both physically and emotionally, would be really appreciated. Please help me - I want to do it. I believe I can win this fight. This sight has so many great and sympathetic users. Thanks for your support and advice.

[bemis]

I slipped. I'm so ashamed. I took two vicodin for my migraine, which at the time, seemed preferable to sticking a butter knife through my eye socket. I feel like such a butt hole. Is it all undone now? It can't be. Please tell me it's such a tiny slip (from 300 of oxy to 15 of hydro - that's gotta be something!!!). Does this mean I have to reset the clock? Am I back to day one (with detox - I know I am back to day one for clean)?

[Kbusymom]

Sorry, I didn't see your post to me until now.  I'm still dealing with the wanting to be numb at the end of the day too.  My happy floaty pills were my me time until they turned on me and stopped working.
Now I'm trying to focus on being the mom my girlie deserves and that means being present.  
When I get the cravings I post here, call my sponsor or call other people from meetings.  I try to stay busy and also remember how bad I had gotten.  I don't like the person I had become.  
You did the right thing in posting and sharing; it's our secrets that keep us sick.  Each time I tell on myself I feel a little better about myself.
Hang in there; we are all here for you.  We can do this together.

[bemis]

Thank you all - that's a relief. I struggle with depression as well, but am being treated for it, so I am hoping if anxiety and depression get the better of me, my PCP (not the doc who knows what I'm doing and is helping me with side effect management - nausea and diarrhea treatment God bless him) will assist me in finding the adjustments to AD meds I need, and this will help along with my counseling sessions. I got so scared about not being able to think about anything but getting numb, and thinking that every day for the rest of my life was going to be that way just took the wind out of my sails. Time will heal, I know, I just wanted to make sure that "time" wasn't defined as "everyday until the day before you die."
I appreciate the sentiment about the BDZs, although honestly, I don't get any "buzz" from them - it's for severe muscle cramps and is necessary - and getting off them, I know (as a clinician myself) would be bad juju. Can't have a seizure that lands me in a hospital - I can't imagine a worse way to endure detox than in the county ED, ugh.

On a brighter note - I have decided that with this experience, and my training as a clinician, that I am going to find some way to use these to get into R &D with some company, to find that genetic/brain chemistry key that cripples us into being unable to deal like those more fortunate than we. This is a psychiatric issue, no doubt about it - our brains are plastic, and reforming those pathways is difficult, particularly around stress and trauma (and it sounds like everyone here, like me, has had their unfair share of those). It's just an idea, but it's a motivating one.  

[digger1976]

Ric is so right, don't fear the long term sickness, it's so doable, ups and downs are part of normal life. I suffer with bouts of anxiety and low motivation. But its nothing compared to early detox, once you get through the first few weeks you'll see this for yourself! The trick is to keep busy! Work will help more than you realise, it might be hard at the start but it will help keep you focused, you'll do fine I'm just sure of it, ;)

[ROSYouralright]

You can totally do it cold turkey if your in good health just as I and so many others have done. Benzos, NO! Pain pills YES! Be careful that you don't trade one addiction for another! Its very easy to do! Hang in there and stick with us! We will help you through it! Be strong and keep as busy as possible! Often, the FEAR of wd's is worse than the actual experience!

[msdelight]

Yes ricart is so right. I have almost 2 months.  Sometimes I get bad days but I also have a lot of good days! I feel so much better. You will too! Especially compared to how you feel right now. Stay the course! You can do it!

[ricart70]

Hey  !  Great job friend  ;)   There will be a point in the near future where you can start enjoying life.  AND let me tell you ...the people who have months clean and are feeling bad are not feeling anything like they did on day 2 or week one ,and I am sure that they would tell you that. They are just having bad days,which we all have.  Just keep doing what You are doing and I guarantee that in 20 days you will feel soooo much better than you do right now.    I , myself have depression and I have had it for a long time. I manage it with diet and exercise and it is fine.  The dpression I have is a walk in the park compared to those first days of withdrawal.  You will heal mentally if you stay clean.   When people say the mental is harder than the detox it creates so much confusion for the mew people IMO.  The mental that they are mainly speaking of is TOTALLY DIFFERENT AND NOT NEAR AS INTENSE as detox malaise.  The mental struggle that happens later is more related to cravings and the things we need to do to deflect our attention from them and identifying triggers etc.    Just try to take it one day at a time and go with it. There is no reason to believe that you will not get better and be happy. Hope this helps friend  ;)

[bemis]

Not that I'm counting - but it's been 48 hours with nothing. Yesterday was terrible. I could barely move. Begged someone for a pill, but then refused it (thank goodness). All in all, I went to 10% of my 'normal' dose Saturday night, 5% of my normal dose Sunday night, then nothing for the last two. Holy crap, this ***** more than anything that has ever sucked before. I'm reading these posts from people months clean who are still feeling this bad, and I am truly freaked out. Seriously? I knew this would be a lifelong thing, I really did, but I did assume that there would be a point in the near future when I could start to try to enjoy my life. The physical stuff STINKS, don't get me wrong, but the emotional and psych stuff - months? years? I feel like I'm already losing the battle, this frightens me so much. Words of wisdom?

PS I have a great substance abuse counselor who saw me last night. Warned me of the whispers "Just one is okay". Also bought Mag supplements (250 mg) and have the uber mega vitamin with so much B6 I almost laughed. When should I take those. given I can't get to any amino acid supps?

[Pat1956100]

You should start counting the days from when you are completely clean.  Yes Day 3 and or 4 are usually the worst.  For me it was Day 3 and the really bad part only lasted about an hour and then it seemed to come in waves. I knew it would pass so I got through it.  
Everyone is different so we can't tell you how you will be feeling in a week but I do suggest you stop all opiates now or you will prolong it.
Drink plenty of fluids.  As soon as you can get out and walk.  The more you exercise, the quicker you will recover.
Start taking vitamins and eating healthy.

Good luck and keep posting for support.

[bemis]

Oh, and by the by- I don't have access to the the evil pills - they're hidden, and I have a very strict keeper who knows my plan. Only half of what I was given yesterday, and that means tomorrow, half or nothing. I am going to opt for nothing.

[bemis]

Thank you all for your good advice, input and support - it is comforting, I can't believe it. With the valium, I have been on that for over a decade. I'm not at the point to get off that - it doesn't do the magic oxy does, anyway - so it's a tool in my kit that I and my counselor are comfortable using. I've had achiness all day (day 2), cold as if I were wearing nothing in a Minnesota winter, and some cramping. I am in the health profession (more specifically, a pharmacy related one, but NEVER took advantage of that position, thank goodness), and I'm not too worried about the Lomotil. If anything, it will push my detox faster, as it only partially binds those oxy receptors in the gut - not so much in the brain (though I understand it does something if you inject it- I HATE IV). I confided in a physician, and they said that those three - phen, val, and lomotil, would not slow my recovery, so I feel okay about it. I have been incredibly thirsty, and (this is weird) SUPER hungry. Is that a comfort thing? The bath (don't have any epsom salts, yet - the boyfriend is bringing them to me in my detox house tomorrow) helped a lot with the aches, as did ibuprofen and tylenol. But I'm really scared about the week from tomorrow. Will I be able to function at work? Will I be a total basketcase? And how did you guys survive that need to be numb at the end of the day? I cried today thinking about it. I love my kids, more than anything, but &*%^, I really want to stop feeling anything when I get home at the end of the day. I know that this is where the real recovery is hardest. I hope that I can find another way to cope. But to ask the specific questions... when you guys detoxed, what was the worst day physically? Is it 3 and 4, like I read so often here?

Again, everyone, thanks so much for all the posts. I'm so glad I joined up.

[Kbusymom]

Welcome!!  Everyone has given you great advice, so I don't have much to add.  You can def go cold turkey off opiates, we are all living proof.  You might feel like you want to die, but you won't.  I did CT from Vicodin and am doing a taper off Benzos.  Those are not safe to do CT.  
I can totally relate to you on the guilt and shame.  I have an 8 year old and I feel I have missed so much and want my daughter to have a mother who is present and can enjoy things with her.  I'm always physically with her, but the pills keep me from being present.  Like you, they started to cause all the things I was trying to escape.
Keep posting, we are here for you and are all in this together.  You an do it!!!

[Teri9498]

I agree w/ricart & ouchie!!..if that was the case I would be dead!!..I did it cold Turkey!..like ricart said, u might feel like ur dying, but u wont!!..the fear of it is actually much worse than the actual withdrawal..just take it one day at a time!!..u will be just FINE!!!...

[ouchie1987]

Oxy won't kill you if you go cold turkey. Ricart is right, it's only the benzos you have to worry about.
Good luck bemis we are here for you, you are lucky you're taking a week off work, I had to work full time n take care of a baby and household. If I can do it.. and I'm a wimp... Then you can too!

[ricart70]

I hate to disagree but if you are in reasonably good health then you have nothing to worry about with going cold turkey. It will not kill you . You may feel like it is but it will not. I have detoxed with nothing at all many times. I have also detoxed with comfort meds.  Countless people have also quit opiates cold turkey .  The benzos could kill you if you go cold tukey on them so don't get hooked on those.  

[jenn8880]

Please be careful.  don't ever go cold turkey!!!  This could actually kill you!!!!  I've not only been on this stuff for three years myself and for the same reasons you are plus physical pain, but I've had horrible withdrawls.  Are you getting them from the doctor or on the street?  I've done both plus I've ordered online.  I'm not proud of any of this so I know exactly what you are going through but no one around me does.  I feel so alone.  From what I know about this, you really could die if you go cold turkey.  Taper as much as you can.  Each week, drop your dose by one pill.  Where would your kids be if something happened to you?  This is serious.  If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here and going through this with you.

[Teri9498]

I agree with ricart!..its totally doable, but u have 2 really want it!!..I was taking 10 30mg oxy a day, plus 2 80mg oxycontin, it was the HARDEST thing I've ever done, not trying 2 scare u!..I was on a much higher dose than u, but I did it!..if I can do it, anyone can!!..u will feel soooooo much better having that evil stuff out of ur body!!..I'm still not feeling right, at 22 days clean from oxy...some days r good, some r bad..but the bad r getting further apart...good luck 2 u!!..u CAN do this!!  xo ;)

[ouchie1987]

Congrats on wanting to stop!! I was on almost the same amount as you, u couldn't taper tho, I ended up taking more... If you want to be ok in 8 days you will have to go cold turkey right away. Look up the Thomas recipe which is in the bottom right hand corner-minus the benzo.
I didn't take the extra valium, etc I didn't want to prolong my wd. Or replace one addiction with another.
Buy lots of poweraide, stay hydrated! Buy some melatonin for sleep (it's natural) buy some Epsom salts b take tons of baths.
This site was my saviour, when I couldn't sleep (I didn't sleep for 5 days straight) I jus read everyone's posts n talked to everyone on here. I also found a tv series to watch to keep entertained. I started counting my clean hrs n would make goals for myself ie 100 hrs, etc.
Good luck, we are here for you!! I stopped mostly cuz of finances also, it feels so good to have my paycheck in the bank, not in some dealers pocket.

[ricart70]

Hey welcome to the forum . You can do this friend but I would get rid of all of the pills so you don't cave. Lomotil is an opiate and you should get rid of it also. It will just drag things out. Get some imodium and plenty of gatorade and coconut water and pedialyte. Stay hydrated and post on here whenever you feel each symptom and we will help you deal with each of them one symptom at a time. It is not good to anticipate symptoms because everyone is different and you may not experience some of the symptoms. I for instance,did not have rls at all. Anyway just stay hydrated at all times and take it hour by hour at first and then day by day.  Again welcome!  and again,You can do this ;)