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Please Help - I just can't do it
I have been "lurking" in this forum for a couple of weeks as I am trying to withdraw from heavy hydrocodone use (10/500 - 20 per day). This forum is filled with amazing, supportive people whose posts I have read and re-read over and over again, desperately holding on to your words of wisdom and encouragement.
But now, I am at the point where I need you and hopefully someone out there can give me the much-needed kick in the a$$ I so desperately need.
Here's my story:
I am a 43 yr old professional woman, highly educated who has had a fantastic career. I resigned from my position 2 years ago to stay at home and raise my two step-children. I began taking hydrocodone 4 years ago, using them responsibly at first, but then taking more and more and more. Now, despite my education, career, what have you, I am nothing more than a junky.
My prescription was for 180 per month, which I filled religiously. To me, that was a perfect day - a new bottle of pills and life was perfect. One day, on a regularly scheduled visit to my doctor, I was informed that my prescribing physician was no longer there and I would have to see a different doc. Well, he had some concerns about the quantity of medicine I was taking, so he said he was going to taper me down, starting with a script for 150 - then next month 120, etc., until I was pill-free. I argued with him that I did not have a problem and needed the pills for my pain. He said no. Either taper off, or leave his office as a patient. So, I walked out with a script for the 150 and sat in my car and cried. But I cried because I realized what had happened to me - I was an addict.
So, I started to taper, but it did not go so well and I ended up taking all of them within a 13 day period.
Then, I moved and my back went out. I called my regular doc but they were fully booked for at least 3 days and if it was an emergency, I should go to the urgent care. Which I did. I crawled in to this other doctor's office, with legitimate pain, and he made me give a urine sample and took x-rays of my back, and asked me about previous medications. And I lied. I did not tell him that I had a regular doc who was already prescribing meds for me. But guess what? He knew. And he confronted me about it. He showed me something called a RPMD (I can't remember exactly what it's called) but there it was, in black and white, the amount and frequency I was taking narcotics. He literally threw a script at me for 20 hydrocodone, yelled at me for lying to him and thre me out of his office. Two days later, I received a letter from his office saying he was terminating me as a patient. I have never, ever felt so humiliated.
I have not been back to my regular doctor and don't know if I should. I have 1 pill left and I took half of it yesterday. The withdrawal I am going through is horrible, much worse than any flu I have ever had. I am taking B-12 and L-T every couple of hours, but nothing is helping. I have felxerall I take at night so my legs stop shaking, but I have to take at least 2 before they have any effect.
I simply can't do this. I know my post is rather long, but here I am, baring my soul to everyone out there because I am too weak to do this by myself. No one knows about my addiction. No one. I have no one to talk to, no one to confide in, but if I don't kick this addiction, I know things will not end well for me.
Please, please someone out there help me.
Thank you.
Dani
But now, I am at the point where I need you and hopefully someone out there can give me the much-needed kick in the a$$ I so desperately need.
Here's my story:
I am a 43 yr old professional woman, highly educated who has had a fantastic career. I resigned from my position 2 years ago to stay at home and raise my two step-children. I began taking hydrocodone 4 years ago, using them responsibly at first, but then taking more and more and more. Now, despite my education, career, what have you, I am nothing more than a junky.
My prescription was for 180 per month, which I filled religiously. To me, that was a perfect day - a new bottle of pills and life was perfect. One day, on a regularly scheduled visit to my doctor, I was informed that my prescribing physician was no longer there and I would have to see a different doc. Well, he had some concerns about the quantity of medicine I was taking, so he said he was going to taper me down, starting with a script for 150 - then next month 120, etc., until I was pill-free. I argued with him that I did not have a problem and needed the pills for my pain. He said no. Either taper off, or leave his office as a patient. So, I walked out with a script for the 150 and sat in my car and cried. But I cried because I realized what had happened to me - I was an addict.
So, I started to taper, but it did not go so well and I ended up taking all of them within a 13 day period.
Then, I moved and my back went out. I called my regular doc but they were fully booked for at least 3 days and if it was an emergency, I should go to the urgent care. Which I did. I crawled in to this other doctor's office, with legitimate pain, and he made me give a urine sample and took x-rays of my back, and asked me about previous medications. And I lied. I did not tell him that I had a regular doc who was already prescribing meds for me. But guess what? He knew. And he confronted me about it. He showed me something called a RPMD (I can't remember exactly what it's called) but there it was, in black and white, the amount and frequency I was taking narcotics. He literally threw a script at me for 20 hydrocodone, yelled at me for lying to him and thre me out of his office. Two days later, I received a letter from his office saying he was terminating me as a patient. I have never, ever felt so humiliated.
I have not been back to my regular doctor and don't know if I should. I have 1 pill left and I took half of it yesterday. The withdrawal I am going through is horrible, much worse than any flu I have ever had. I am taking B-12 and L-T every couple of hours, but nothing is helping. I have felxerall I take at night so my legs stop shaking, but I have to take at least 2 before they have any effect.
I simply can't do this. I know my post is rather long, but here I am, baring my soul to everyone out there because I am too weak to do this by myself. No one knows about my addiction. No one. I have no one to talk to, no one to confide in, but if I don't kick this addiction, I know things will not end well for me.
Please, please someone out there help me.
Thank you.
Dani
Hi Osage - don't, whatever you do, give up! Hope, encouragement, love and most importantly love, is what you will find here on this message board. I am a heavy hydrocodone user (even though I am not currently using, I will always refer to myself as a user) - and if it had not been for people here posting their experiences, along with words of encouragement, I would not be where I am today. Hence my name "Lost All Hope" (I was so upset, I couldn't even spell it correctly...) - Bama, Lulu, TheAddict, every single person who has responded to my initial post are the ones who have brought me to today.
You have to stop when you are ready and resolved - not because someone is telling you to. This is probably one of the most difficult things you will ever do - if you read the post by "Beenthereandback" you will know exactly what to expect - and it isn't pretty, to say the least.
You are honest by saying you are not ready - so lurk by all means, gather all the information you can/want - and then when you are ready - and only when YOU are ready, we are all here for you. And will be here for you every miserable step of the way.
Hugs,
Dani
You have to stop when you are ready and resolved - not because someone is telling you to. This is probably one of the most difficult things you will ever do - if you read the post by "Beenthereandback" you will know exactly what to expect - and it isn't pretty, to say the least.
You are honest by saying you are not ready - so lurk by all means, gather all the information you can/want - and then when you are ready - and only when YOU are ready, we are all here for you. And will be here for you every miserable step of the way.
Hugs,
Dani
Hi owesage.... I read your post and could relate so much. In the height our both myself and husband we were eating loratabs roxies morphine pills oxycontin . Anything we could get form doctors on the street. We were a complete mess. My detox was very hard. And i was so scared to let go. I had a knee replacement. With complications. The pain was bad for a long time. I got so sick of counting planning..using.more and more....its not a pleasant feeling.to.realize you've got a problem.
Im.glad you came.forward and posted. It takes courage to admitt your problem. But smart to want help. This will be the best decision you've made for yourself in your life.
Im.glad you came.forward and posted. It takes courage to admitt your problem. But smart to want help. This will be the best decision you've made for yourself in your life.
My story is very similar to yours except I am about 10 years older and have been on lortabs for almost 12 years now. I too am up to 20 a day and just took my last three about an hour ago. Now I'm at that point every month where I'm out and start scrounging until the next refill etc. You know the drill! My husband is so fed up with me but he's part of the problem too. He not only gives me his script every month but gets them for me thru other people! Also he's an alcoholic and former cocaine addict so I feel he has no right to talk bad about my addiction but he does. Anyway I've always known that no addict will quit until they're good and ready and today I'm not. I'm just mad at myself for letting it get this bad! I wish you well and will pray for your success and 'lurk' here also so I don't feel so alone.
I think I understand your logic, but even if I didn't, I'm so glad that you are resolved to stay off of this crap! I finally threw away my last bottle! I kept the bottle from my last script. (No pills in it) I just wanted to remember the exact day of my last script. It was November 15 for the Norco and Sept. 15 for the methadone.
First of all - Thank you, EVERY ONE, for all of your kind and very supportive words! I know I could not be as far as I am without all of you.
And now to what happened today:
I received a call from my doc at 9:47 this morning asking me to please come in. I asked him why and he told me that he knew I had not picked up my prescription from Walgreens and, as a result, he needs me to come back to his office and sign a "refusal of Treatment" waiver. I asked him why. And he told me that if I was not going to follow his direction and taper off something I have ALREADY weaned myself off of, he was not going to be held liable should I have a stroke, seizure or whatever the eff he thinks I am going to have, and he wants this in writing.
So, what do I do? I tell him I was actually on my way to Walgreens to pick up my script, so it would not be necessary for me to sign any waiver or release form. He then asked if I was going to "finally listen to him and do this the right (his) way", and I told him yes, I will (Jahwohl, Herr Commandant...). So, I hung up the phone, drove over to Walgreens, gave the pharmacy tech hell about patient privacy and who do they think they are telling my doc that I hadn't picked up my prescription yet, and left with a bottle of 120 hydrocodone.
When I came home, I took the full bottle, minus1 (I don't know why...?) and poured them into a bowl of bleach - again, I don't know why I didn't flush them, or why I chose to dissolve them in bleach.... and then took my dogs for a walk, giving my doc the mental finger.
Yes, I will go back next month and I will play along - but no, I will not start taking the pills again because this is bullcrap and there is no way I am strong enough to do this a second or third time...
Dani
And now to what happened today:
I received a call from my doc at 9:47 this morning asking me to please come in. I asked him why and he told me that he knew I had not picked up my prescription from Walgreens and, as a result, he needs me to come back to his office and sign a "refusal of Treatment" waiver. I asked him why. And he told me that if I was not going to follow his direction and taper off something I have ALREADY weaned myself off of, he was not going to be held liable should I have a stroke, seizure or whatever the eff he thinks I am going to have, and he wants this in writing.
So, what do I do? I tell him I was actually on my way to Walgreens to pick up my script, so it would not be necessary for me to sign any waiver or release form. He then asked if I was going to "finally listen to him and do this the right (his) way", and I told him yes, I will (Jahwohl, Herr Commandant...). So, I hung up the phone, drove over to Walgreens, gave the pharmacy tech hell about patient privacy and who do they think they are telling my doc that I hadn't picked up my prescription yet, and left with a bottle of 120 hydrocodone.
When I came home, I took the full bottle, minus1 (I don't know why...?) and poured them into a bowl of bleach - again, I don't know why I didn't flush them, or why I chose to dissolve them in bleach.... and then took my dogs for a walk, giving my doc the mental finger.
Yes, I will go back next month and I will play along - but no, I will not start taking the pills again because this is bullcrap and there is no way I am strong enough to do this a second or third time...
Dani
First of all, I would like to see you not judge yourself so harshly. We are all in the same boat, and your story sounds VERY similar to mine. My use is very much like yours, and I also have the same huge secret. I can relate to the feeling of fear and desperation. I admire your openess and honesty. You are reaching out for help, and should never be punished as you were by any MD for doing so. You are in this situation because your MD assisted in creating it.
May I suggest a pain clinic - they are very experienced with your situation, won't belittle or judge you, and will help you with your legitimate pain in a responsible way.
You are a good woman, and can do this. There is hope for you. It's a nightmare ( at least this is how I feel about all of this), but I believe you can conquer it and come out the other side stronger.
Again, keep faith, remain honest, and HANG IN THERE!!! You are not alone, and you can succeed!!!
I wish all of the best for you and yours!
May I suggest a pain clinic - they are very experienced with your situation, won't belittle or judge you, and will help you with your legitimate pain in a responsible way.
You are a good woman, and can do this. There is hope for you. It's a nightmare ( at least this is how I feel about all of this), but I believe you can conquer it and come out the other side stronger.
Again, keep faith, remain honest, and HANG IN THERE!!! You are not alone, and you can succeed!!!
I wish all of the best for you and yours!
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