Aa
Please Help - I just can't do it
I have been "lurking" in this forum for a couple of weeks as I am trying to withdraw from heavy hydrocodone use (10/500 - 20 per day). This forum is filled with amazing, supportive people whose posts I have read and re-read over and over again, desperately holding on to your words of wisdom and encouragement.
But now, I am at the point where I need you and hopefully someone out there can give me the much-needed kick in the a$$ I so desperately need.
Here's my story:
I am a 43 yr old professional woman, highly educated who has had a fantastic career. I resigned from my position 2 years ago to stay at home and raise my two step-children. I began taking hydrocodone 4 years ago, using them responsibly at first, but then taking more and more and more. Now, despite my education, career, what have you, I am nothing more than a junky.
My prescription was for 180 per month, which I filled religiously. To me, that was a perfect day - a new bottle of pills and life was perfect. One day, on a regularly scheduled visit to my doctor, I was informed that my prescribing physician was no longer there and I would have to see a different doc. Well, he had some concerns about the quantity of medicine I was taking, so he said he was going to taper me down, starting with a script for 150 - then next month 120, etc., until I was pill-free. I argued with him that I did not have a problem and needed the pills for my pain. He said no. Either taper off, or leave his office as a patient. So, I walked out with a script for the 150 and sat in my car and cried. But I cried because I realized what had happened to me - I was an addict.
So, I started to taper, but it did not go so well and I ended up taking all of them within a 13 day period.
Then, I moved and my back went out. I called my regular doc but they were fully booked for at least 3 days and if it was an emergency, I should go to the urgent care. Which I did. I crawled in to this other doctor's office, with legitimate pain, and he made me give a urine sample and took x-rays of my back, and asked me about previous medications. And I lied. I did not tell him that I had a regular doc who was already prescribing meds for me. But guess what? He knew. And he confronted me about it. He showed me something called a RPMD (I can't remember exactly what it's called) but there it was, in black and white, the amount and frequency I was taking narcotics. He literally threw a script at me for 20 hydrocodone, yelled at me for lying to him and thre me out of his office. Two days later, I received a letter from his office saying he was terminating me as a patient. I have never, ever felt so humiliated.
I have not been back to my regular doctor and don't know if I should. I have 1 pill left and I took half of it yesterday. The withdrawal I am going through is horrible, much worse than any flu I have ever had. I am taking B-12 and L-T every couple of hours, but nothing is helping. I have felxerall I take at night so my legs stop shaking, but I have to take at least 2 before they have any effect.
I simply can't do this. I know my post is rather long, but here I am, baring my soul to everyone out there because I am too weak to do this by myself. No one knows about my addiction. No one. I have no one to talk to, no one to confide in, but if I don't kick this addiction, I know things will not end well for me.
Please, please someone out there help me.
Thank you.
Dani
But now, I am at the point where I need you and hopefully someone out there can give me the much-needed kick in the a$$ I so desperately need.
Here's my story:
I am a 43 yr old professional woman, highly educated who has had a fantastic career. I resigned from my position 2 years ago to stay at home and raise my two step-children. I began taking hydrocodone 4 years ago, using them responsibly at first, but then taking more and more and more. Now, despite my education, career, what have you, I am nothing more than a junky.
My prescription was for 180 per month, which I filled religiously. To me, that was a perfect day - a new bottle of pills and life was perfect. One day, on a regularly scheduled visit to my doctor, I was informed that my prescribing physician was no longer there and I would have to see a different doc. Well, he had some concerns about the quantity of medicine I was taking, so he said he was going to taper me down, starting with a script for 150 - then next month 120, etc., until I was pill-free. I argued with him that I did not have a problem and needed the pills for my pain. He said no. Either taper off, or leave his office as a patient. So, I walked out with a script for the 150 and sat in my car and cried. But I cried because I realized what had happened to me - I was an addict.
So, I started to taper, but it did not go so well and I ended up taking all of them within a 13 day period.
Then, I moved and my back went out. I called my regular doc but they were fully booked for at least 3 days and if it was an emergency, I should go to the urgent care. Which I did. I crawled in to this other doctor's office, with legitimate pain, and he made me give a urine sample and took x-rays of my back, and asked me about previous medications. And I lied. I did not tell him that I had a regular doc who was already prescribing meds for me. But guess what? He knew. And he confronted me about it. He showed me something called a RPMD (I can't remember exactly what it's called) but there it was, in black and white, the amount and frequency I was taking narcotics. He literally threw a script at me for 20 hydrocodone, yelled at me for lying to him and thre me out of his office. Two days later, I received a letter from his office saying he was terminating me as a patient. I have never, ever felt so humiliated.
I have not been back to my regular doctor and don't know if I should. I have 1 pill left and I took half of it yesterday. The withdrawal I am going through is horrible, much worse than any flu I have ever had. I am taking B-12 and L-T every couple of hours, but nothing is helping. I have felxerall I take at night so my legs stop shaking, but I have to take at least 2 before they have any effect.
I simply can't do this. I know my post is rather long, but here I am, baring my soul to everyone out there because I am too weak to do this by myself. No one knows about my addiction. No one. I have no one to talk to, no one to confide in, but if I don't kick this addiction, I know things will not end well for me.
Please, please someone out there help me.
Thank you.
Dani
Just wanted to share some words of encouragement on your journey and appreciation for your willingness to express yourself about issues we all are face or have faced in the past. This is a very interesting and meaningful thread with a lot of good posts worth reading and thinking about. I really like the open attitudes and clarity in terms of the reality of recovery. I think a good balance of faith and work is best for overcoming any challenge.
My past experiences with addiction and recovery have really provided opportunities for me to deal with myself in ways that no other situation could. I have to believe that is an the ultimate test of will and self-belief.
My past experiences with addiction and recovery have really provided opportunities for me to deal with myself in ways that no other situation could. I have to believe that is an the ultimate test of will and self-belief.
Hi, I to have had a very haevy addiction to loratabs and the withdraws are pure hell! I am a professional and of course started taking them after a back Injury and then became addicted to them. I tried very hard to stop but could not get threw the withdraws cause I had to work and witout taking them it was impossible to do that. I did all the research on methadone and other medications to stop but didn't want to replace one addiction for another. I have read everyones suggestions for what has helped with there withdraws and I think it depends on the person really, what worked for me was waiting until my withdraws started to kick in full blast then I would take my regular dose and I reapeated this until it got to the point my withdraws stopped because I had such a low amount in my system. I waited usually until the 3rd day cause that's when the withdraws for me became the most severe with the sweats the runs restless legs stress and stomache pains. I would recomend you trying this and I pray it works for you like it did for me cause lord knows I know the hell you are going threw right now and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone
The doctors want.to.keep you coming back.for more more more. Each visit you go.to they get paid. I went to my pain management doctor and.told.him what i did. And was doing. I told him about the fill ins i was buying. And he told me id never be off oxycontin. That my body and pain needed them. He even tried to convince me i changed my brain chemistry.
While i.was waiting to.see him for nonnarcotic pain meds ie lidoderm patch cream mobic. There was a lady who was in her 50s who looked like a skeleton and death worn over. She looked ill. Shakey, sweaty jittery. I asked her if she was alright and she hung her head and said ill be ok.when i get my medicine. She was obviously in withdrawls. And i thought that could be me in ten years. And i deffinatly don't want to look like that.
When he wrote me that script. I ripped it up in front of him and put it in the trash. I told him.i won't be back. He said well see.
This confirms he's a quack. I knew he lost his licence once. That's why i went to him. When i saw him in the beginning i was already addicted to loratabs. I was taking 10 plus. I convinced a very kind doctor i needed pain management. And gave him the doctors name. I did my research before hand.
When we get to pain management we are already addicted. Plain and.simple. Doctors pass us off to the next guy in line. And if you have a valid issue the skys the limit in pain management.
Anyways i wanted to.share the deep dept of heavy addiction with curropt doctors. Im proud of your willpower. Don't you feel.so.strong and.proud of yourself? You deserve to celebrate. Splurg on yourself.
While i.was waiting to.see him for nonnarcotic pain meds ie lidoderm patch cream mobic. There was a lady who was in her 50s who looked like a skeleton and death worn over. She looked ill. Shakey, sweaty jittery. I asked her if she was alright and she hung her head and said ill be ok.when i get my medicine. She was obviously in withdrawls. And i thought that could be me in ten years. And i deffinatly don't want to look like that.
When he wrote me that script. I ripped it up in front of him and put it in the trash. I told him.i won't be back. He said well see.
This confirms he's a quack. I knew he lost his licence once. That's why i went to him. When i saw him in the beginning i was already addicted to loratabs. I was taking 10 plus. I convinced a very kind doctor i needed pain management. And gave him the doctors name. I did my research before hand.
When we get to pain management we are already addicted. Plain and.simple. Doctors pass us off to the next guy in line. And if you have a valid issue the skys the limit in pain management.
Anyways i wanted to.share the deep dept of heavy addiction with curropt doctors. Im proud of your willpower. Don't you feel.so.strong and.proud of yourself? You deserve to celebrate. Splurg on yourself.
Thank you - although I really did not want to make you cry!
I smoke, so that's gonna probably induce a stroke and kill me soon enough, but I seriously doubt not taking any more hydrocodone will finish me off... and actually, once I calmed down somewhat, I decided for myself that the doc can go eff himself. Ok, so he has the medical degree, and knows more about medicine than I ever will. BUT, I do know my body and if have been off of the pills completely since the 16th and I really have no desire to start taking 4 a day, just to go through the same stupid s***t I have already gone through. So stuff it - I am not following his direction because at this point in time, I know that if I pick up the script, I will be right back to square one... and I can't allow that to happen!
Dani :)
I smoke, so that's gonna probably induce a stroke and kill me soon enough, but I seriously doubt not taking any more hydrocodone will finish me off... and actually, once I calmed down somewhat, I decided for myself that the doc can go eff himself. Ok, so he has the medical degree, and knows more about medicine than I ever will. BUT, I do know my body and if have been off of the pills completely since the 16th and I really have no desire to start taking 4 a day, just to go through the same stupid s***t I have already gone through. So stuff it - I am not following his direction because at this point in time, I know that if I pick up the script, I will be right back to square one... and I can't allow that to happen!
Dani :)
can i just tell you that i read your original post above and cried like a little baby as i read the words you typed out? you sound like you went through the same thing so many of us have. but reading it, from and by someone else, really plays a toll on you.
my doctor tried to do the same thing with me, in giving me a script for a certain amount and taper me down slowly once i was honest enough with him AND myself about being an addict, but i did what you did and went CT off the pills. i am not sure about the seizures and what not, but i didn't go through them. but then again, i am also not a physician of any sort.
stay strong and do what your heart and mind tells you is best.
my doctor tried to do the same thing with me, in giving me a script for a certain amount and taper me down slowly once i was honest enough with him AND myself about being an addict, but i did what you did and went CT off the pills. i am not sure about the seizures and what not, but i didn't go through them. but then again, i am also not a physician of any sort.
stay strong and do what your heart and mind tells you is best.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
