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4614494 tn?1368356385

Please help!!! Tapering off of methadone (again)

Hi guys.  I am tapering one again off of methadone.  I'm at 4 mg and my anxiety is sky high.  Had a cup of coffee this morning (big mistake).  Won't be doing that anymore while detoxing.  Anyways those who know me know hubby is still taking them.  He talks about getting off of them.  But I can't focus on his recovery.  Only mine.  That has been a huge problem of mine the last few years.  
I should be jumping here in the next week or so.  Just needed you guys for support.  You guys are the most caring group of people I've ever met.  I am actually finally admitting or surrendering to the thought of reaching out for external help / counseling or meetings.  Something!!!  I'm desperate.  I want to be a good momma of my two precious boys (5 and 3 yrs old ). They deserve the best!!!
Luckily I just cut back working to only 2 days a week.  So that will help w wds.  
I was no anxious to pair on the public forum again as I have failed so many times.  Feel like I may have lost the support of many friends.  About to call my pastor and talk w him.   I will be back later and check in
Love Chris
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4614494 tn?1368356385
Thank you Tony and Mary.  Yes I rem my friend from celebrate recovery.   Although she was going for different reasons than I would be.  Her husband is an alcoholic and she isn't an addict.  So slightly different situation.  I will follow where God leads me this time.  I will be better for our children they deserve that.  
Thanks guys love you Chris
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Oh yeah, he thinks you don't need outside help, but he hasn't quit, so he really is not qualified to make that judgement. Almost everyone who has quit disagrees, if that tells you anything. For years I didn't think I needed help either, but was never able to quit. Anyway, I am really cheering for you this round, those boys really need one of you to be sober at least. You will be teaching them coping skills by example, they will be old enough to figure out your current methods before long. It would be nice for them to have one parent that is dealing with life on life terms, without drugs to cope.
Helpful - 0
1855076 tn?1337115303
Please don't let your husband talk you out of meetings.  All your hard work is worth preserving by meetings or counseling.   Hopefully he'll come around but if he doesn't, you cannot let him jeopardize your recovery.  Keep the prize in mind.  You have a lifetime of memories to make with your boys.  The years go fast.  Believe me, my second oldest, my Joey, graduated high school last Sunday.  September he leaves for the Marines.  It seems like yesterday I was bringing him to school.  You have years to make forever memories.  Vacations, Boy Scouts, baseball.  One of my favorite memories is when I took my kids to disney.  Watching them watching the fireworks over Cinderella's Castle made me get teary-eyed.  All those things will be nearly impossible if you let your husband get in the way of your recovery.  You can do this.  Don't let it slip away.
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Avatar universal
I hope so my friend. I was just reflecting on the day that you felt God had led a person from celebrate recovery into your work. The inspiration was flowing, you felt lifted up and ready to tackle addiction with all you had. Then, the same kind of reasoning you mention above stopped you from doing what you believed God had made available to you. It seemed each time a new opportunity was presented by God, your husband was able to convince you to follow his opinion, rather than God. It hasn't really paned out doing it his way, so I am glad you ready to do what it takes.
Helpful - 0
4614494 tn?1368356385
I know tony.  You are right!!!! I will do what it takes!!!
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Avatar universal
"He thinks my job will be in jeopardy. Stupid. I know. That's why I was thinking of private counseling first." He thought, that's why I thought. His thoughts are still controlling your decisions about what is best for you and your recovery. That was what stopped you last time. The only thing I would fear is staying on drugs, the rest will work itself out. Do what it takes, that's what it takes. Don't let his fear make you afraid.
Helpful - 0
4614494 tn?1368356385
Hey Mary and ms d, he def knows I'm quitting.  He just doesn't think I need to go to meetings.  For several reasons I'm sure.  He doesn't want the secret out that he's taking anything.  :( also he days he's afraid of people in the community knowing what my problem is and judging me for it.   I'm a hygienist and he thinks my job would be at jeopardy.  Stupid.  I know.  That's why I was thinking of private counseling first. Then easing into public meetings.  To be honest it's all scary to me.  I know I need to do things differently this time around.  And I will.   Just feel some serious oppression right now from the enemy.  Need to go do some praying.  
I just heard "Big Daddy Weave" just the way I am!!!!  Oh wow has that song spoke to my heart this morning.   Such a great song.    He loves me just the way I am!!!!;)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Absolutely tell him the the truth! Be his role model and Muse! Show him what happiness really looks like! God will do the rest! Stay strong in love and recovery no matter what he says. Holding you close mama!
Helpful - 0
1855076 tn?1337115303
Tell him the truth.  It will be good for him to see you taking care of yourself.  Is he supportive of you but just doesn't want to get off himself or does he try to get you to stay on it with him?
Helpful - 0
4614494 tn?1368356385
Wow ladies.   Thank you all for the feedback.  I am taking this all in.  I know I can't make hubby do anything.  Just praying as a shellofme said and by me doing the right thing maybe he will want what I have.  I just have to stick w it.   Supposed to be getting a call back from my pastor to see which Christian counselor is rec for my situation.   Just need to find out how much it is....  Also there are celebrate recovery meetings in my area on few days all at night and some have childcare.  So that would be great.   Just not sure what I will tell hubby I'm doing.  Guess I should tell him truth.  Just wish thee were some meetings during the darn day while he was at work:(
Thank you all for the support!!!  
Love always Chris
Helpful - 0
7284346 tn?1402238725
Hi there girl~
so... I haven't read through every comment... but I did catch on to the counseling "thing" and to the pastor thinking perhaps it might be a waste of time if your husband is still in active addiction...

Don't know about your Celebrate Recovery group at your church, but mine always had sitting services available... you might want to check on that honey.

I completely agree with clean_in_ks... you should do this for you... and yes, pastors are well meaning, but they can be "off" sometimes too... not meaning to be, of course, but they just can be.

So, because you are a Christian I am going to speak freely on this for a moment... 1 Peter 3:1-2 speaks to something I think is important for "us' wives to take into consideration... "if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives."  
IF that is possible, THEN isn't it ALSO possible that by moving forward with HEALTHY choices and setting an EXAMPLE of sobriety through your ACTIONS such as going to counseling and seeking out meetings... your husband could possible SEE all of this beauty in you and desire that for himself?  It seems so to me....

Just something to noodle on. I find God's Word to have several layers - always. The top layer - what's right there in front of us - the basic story. Then many layers beyond that... the analogies... the parables... the connections to our own lives today... and on and on...

Anyway, last bit. I see a Christian counselor. I chose him specifically because he's got a background in addiction "issues & recovery"... He's a recovering addict.  In other words, he gets it. He knows how my wacky brain works... for me, that was important. What's REALLY important is just having SOMEONE to HEAR YOU... help you sort your stuff out... learn some new skills for life.
Praying for ya girlie :)
Remember you don't have to do EVERYTHING right now... it's ONE day at a time. HUGS!!
Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
You know what?  Pastors are people just like me and you....they are not infallible....some I know are recovering addicts!  BUT.....just because they are pastors doesn't mean they understand addiction....in fact, many even give very "codependent advise", in my humble opinion.

To say counseling would be a waste....is simply a foolish statement.  My husband and I have been married a LONG as s time...and we have been separated two times during our many years.  The last time....(and addiction was NOT an issue here) that we separated...I had already begun counseling for MYSELF.  My hubby was not "open" to going AT ALL.  I went to counseling alone, on my own, for me... for 6 months.....and at some point....I KNEW that one of us had to have the courage to get off the merry-go-round we were on....so I chose to move out and work on myself.  The "D" (divorce) word was NEVER mentioned....but I DID say...."if you care about this marriage...you WILL show up for counseling Monday at NOON!!"
While I realize this is NOT your situation.....it's an example of stepping out and getting help for ourselves regardless of what our mate is willing to do at the time.
I only share that to let you know that counseling for YOU is NEVER a waste or the WRONG thing to do.  It can only HELP you to uncover and resolve issues within yourself.  Even if you don't have the "perfect" counselor....it doesn't matter.....it gives you a way to share what's inside of you with an "objective third party".

You have your own plan about tapering...and you are looking for NEW answers this go around, Chris.  That's GOOD.  My question to you is.....why can't you find someone to watch your boys one night a week?  SOMEONE in your life will watch them.....if your hubby isn't willing....a friend or family member sure would be.  Then you could GO to the Celebrate Recovery group in your town.....you could do private counseling too....but the process and the comfort of the Celebrate Recovery program is HEALING and would REALLY help you....even if your hubby never chooses to participate.  You lead the way....you change and grow....you risk your reputation in your community by taking care of YOU.  Then let God have ALL the pieces.....and have faith that the future will be SMILINGBRIGHT!  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Aww sweetie...you are NOT a wuss! I couldn't do ct either. It scared me too bad. Lol. I tapered all the way down to 1.25 and I know you did too before. If you did it once, I have faith you can do it again. Tapering is something that takes someone strong and determined. And that you are!! So happy to see you're trying this again. I'm sending out some big prayers for you. I love you girl. You got this!! :):):)
Helpful - 0
5347058 tn?1381188426
I am with Mary on this. You definitely can't love someone sober.  My ex husband was an addict and an alcoholic. So was my father. I literally almost killed myself trying to 'save' both of them. It didn't work. My father died from his alcoholism, and my marriage died from all of the resentment and neglect. Don't you ever feel weak for being tempted by him having your DOC in the house. Any one of us would feel tempted in that situation. It's not a question of willpower. It's just not a very healthy environment. Not conducive to your recovery. I hope that your husband is able to get his act together and have the spirit and determination that you do to quit. If not, please don't let him jeopardize your recovery in any way. You are going to do this girl! Just keep your head straight, keep the faith, and keep fighting.
Helpful - 0
1855076 tn?1337115303
You can't love someone sober.  I sure tried.  But all i really did was enable him to keep drinking and drugging.  You can't take care of anyone else unless you take care of you.  Resentment ruins your soul.  It took me years to let o of that.  Prayers, counseling and learning about addiction helped me let go.  You sound so ready for this journey to take your life back.  Don't let anything or anyone get in the way of that.  You've got lots of people here who have gone through what you're  and will help you all the way through this.  And you're helping others as you're going through this, some who are doing it now and some who will come through here later.  Don't lose your momentum.  I'm praying for you.
Helpful - 0
4614494 tn?1368356385
Thanks ricart.  You know I probably don't even realize how clouded my thinking must be at times.  Shameful to say. I'm looking forward to being free and not chained to pills anymore.  Trying to keep myself from being fearful of how flipping hard it will be though. I made the mistake by trying to ct last weekend off of 15 mg had that was heck.  So I decided to take 5 mg and taper from there to make it little easier.  I'm sure you guys think I'm a wuss bc of it.  But I made a plan and will stick w it this time.  Should be next week to jump.  Please no fussing for this one.  I was in pure freakmode last weekend    I'm hoping this will ease it a little.  As I'm pretty sure it will to some degree.  I've tapered down to around 3 mg bf and it was doable for me.   At least till about 1 month mark and all heck broke lose w mental cravings and the thought of it being in my house and I didn't have the tools I needed to stay clean.   Or maybe I wasn't quite ready yet.  Idk.

I will need all the support I can get this time as I don't want my children to have a mom who is an active addict!!  I refuse to do that to myself or my boys.  I owe them the best me I can give them.  (Clean and free)!!!!
Helpful - 0
1827057 tn?1397520277
We all have to want it for it to work. We have to want it more than we want to get high. Sometimes we have to go away to get our head clear and get clean so we can think straight. We have to be willing to do what it takes to stay clean and if we don't want to there is no one in the heavens or on earth who can do it for us. I know addiction happens to fit the disease model but I had to admit that getting high was not just something that "happened" to me magically. It was something I wanted to do and something I did. It was a two step (or more) process which I could have stopped at any time but I did not.
I had to stop getting high and stay stopped and things got clearer and until I did I suffered from muddled, magical and improperly focused thinking because I really believe that the addict brain that lay behind the scenes used all of these cloudy and magical thoughts as a convenient way to keep me using while I tried to think my way out of the problem. I instead had to live my way into better thinking. We are NOT truly connected to anything while we are still using and that is a fact. I am with gnarly on this one in that you should jump and start to move forward. Wishing you the best friend
Helpful - 0
4614494 tn?1368356385
Basically the pastor told me I definitely need counseling. But next I needed to work on hubby to get him to quit.  
Which I have been trying to do.  It won't work in my own strength.   He has to want it for it to work.  
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4614494 tn?1368356385
Wow marycarmel, this really hit home w me.  
I agree on not really listening to everything my pastor said.  He doesn't get it!!! Thank you so much for telling me this story.  I will get help and continue to pray for my hubby to get sober!!  I don't want to resent my hubby    That has happened to me in the past. That's incredible your uncle remained sober for 50 years w someone his wife still using at hm.  That's incredible strength and courage. I pray I will overcome this no matter what hubby decides.  
Helpful - 0
1855076 tn?1337115303
Please don't listen to your pastor.  I hate saying that.  I'm sure he means well but you need to take care of you.  Of course it would be easier if yournhusband wanted to stop but he doesn't.  I don't blame you for being resentful. I had huge resentments against my ex-husband because of the chaos his addiction caused.  I had an uncle whomwas a very bad alcoholic.  He married a woman who was also an alcoholic.  They were a mess.  Eventualy my uncle went to a state detox.  He had been on a plane to Ireland, drinking the whole way.  When helanded, they put him on the next plane back to Boston.  When e landed, they took him by ambulance to the state hospital.  He came out after 30 days addicted to pills and started drinking again.

At some pointhe started going to AA.  I think it was court ordered.  But at one of the meetings, something clicked.  He died two years ago withover 50 years of sobriety.  His wife never got sober.  He went to three AA meetings a week until he got sick aout two years before he died.  Every time he opened his fridge, there was a case of Bud Light staring back.  He never relapsed after that last icident and he really worked the steps.  Eventually the alcohol didn't tempt him.  He had so much sereity.  I don't know why he chose to stay with his wife but he did and his initial resetment went away.

You need to take care of yourself and counseling won't be a waste of money if you have a good counselor.  I'll be keeping you in my prayers.  I thik you sound ready to do this.
Helpful - 0
4614494 tn?1368356385
Ok so I'm feeling defeated right now.  Just talked to my pastor and he asked if hubby was going to get off pills too.  I told him I can't be so focused on his recovery. Only mine.  He said he feels like if I don't get hubby on board then counseling will be waste of money bc there will be too much temptation.   Omg!!!   Seriously
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4614494 tn?1368356385
Thanks sweet Vic.  You girls are all so precious to me.  I've been watching you all go through your journeys the last 1 1/2 yrs and God has been with you all!  I know He will be with me too!!! I trust that He will reward those who diligently seek Him!! We are doing just that.
Helpful - 0
4522800 tn?1470325834
Good One! Remember to have FEAR is to have No FAITH & to have FAITH is to have No FEAR! You do not have to talk until you are comfortable. You are going to be just floored and love it..I can see you Yacking now..lol Every time you go you will pick up more & more..Not just what others say, but all of them readings too..You can also get a temporary Sponsor until you have gone to enough to find one that suits you..I am a Bull Headed person so I needed a Tough Ol Biitch! lol You also do not need to rush into doing those 12 steps at once..Some people take it like homework that has to be done in one day. A sponsor will work slow and easy with you.You will be going over & over them steps as you grow and things change too. I need to do these again myself..Been through alot the last 6 or so months so I need to work this with my sponsor again. Having a Dr on board too has been one of my best support besides my Hub. Well the HUB is the BIGGEST of them all..Chris, I really think this will be so good for you for so many reasons..I think it will really help your social anxiety too..OH! I wish I could take you to a few..lol I also think you should just stop now. You are on a very low dose and many of us had Jumped off a bigger mg then that..Just do it--get it over--and be done--as you hit those Meetings!!!
I will be praying for you my friend..Send me a PM if you need to talk private too. I have been really busy and have lots of things to get done while it is summer, but I will get back..Going to send you a PM right now..lol
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4614494 tn?1368356385
Hey gnarly, thanks for the info and support. Luckily I have all the recommended vitamins and protein.  I have about everything I have heard you guys talk about the last year and half.  I'm pretty preapred when it comes to that.  Now time to get enough courage to jump ship.   You are right.  I was never at super high dose of dones.  But it was high enough for me.  This last bout I was about 15 mg.  I'm 34 yr old about 120 lbs 5'9 and this isn't getting any easier to quit w age.  
One thing I've never had a problem w is sleep while going through detox.   Thank god for that.    But my biggest things is anxiety, cravings and lack of energy.    I Know in time it will get better. If I just give myself time to heal!!!!!  
Helpful - 0
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