Avatar universal

Please save my life

I'm 24, I have been addicted to painkillers for over two years. Started after multiple surgeries on my ankle/knee, then a torn Trapezius in my back.

Long story short- I sell the Norco I get to buy 80mg Oxy (I'm prescribed 30 5mg norco a week, and 60 10mg norco every two weeks- from two different doctors)

I take 5-7 80mg Oxy at once every day. I take 20-30 Norco when I don't have the money to buy Oxy. I routinely run out of money and have to steal to get my fix.

I do not appear to be a junkie. I'm a college graduate, I have two jobs- I hold a position as a property manager and as a guest services supervisor at the best hotel in town.

I have estimated I have spent upwards of $15,000 on drugs. I am an addict.

I want to stop more than anything in the world. The reason I don't is a combination of two factors- I don't want to go through the horrible withdrawals, and when it comes down to it I have horrible will power and if I have $200 to spare I immediately go to my dealer. I justify what I do because they are legal medications. I've never done heroin, meth, and I stopped using cocaine and ecstasy once the party stopped in college. I haven't had a drink in 13 months. But I can't stop this insane addiction to oxycontin. It's ruining my life.

All I want is to be a normal, happy, productive young man, but if I continue this drug abuse I will have ruined my life.

I NEED YOUR HELP. Whatever you can do to help me would put me in eternal debt to you.

First things first, with my 70/hr a week work schedule I can't afford to go through withdrawals but I know it has to happen.

What remedies do you have to recommend? I can't go to a hospital, because I can't let my family down by telling them I'm an addict.

This is my list so far of ways to curb the withdrawals:
Weed (spliffs, edibles)
Xanax .5 mg
L-Tyrosine w/ vitamin B6
Lots of water and fruits

How do I stop??? You need to save my life here. There have been times where I lie in bed knowing there is a chance I won't wake up, like tonight- I have taken 30 Norco and 400mg of OxyContin so I'm trying to stay awake as long as I can and only sleep a few hours at a time to have the relief of waking up alive tomorrow.

Please help me. Anything will do.

Mr. L
13 Responses
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Avatar universal
Hey there. You really brought back some feelings of my last years of opiates. I know exactly how if feels to not know if you are going to wake up. It's horrible. You didn't even mean to go that far, did you? On that level of opiate, it's hard to tell if you are awake or asleep sometimes. I could see what was going on, but like a dream, I had no control over what I was doing. I would wake up and realize I almost died, or someone would tell me they kept me alive. I say all this to tell you, it can be done. It took everyone I knew, plus had to meet some new folks, to get me clean. That level of loss of control is dangerous to you and others. I'm glad you are reaching out for help. Get help anywhere you can. Hit AA/NA, get lots of phone numbers. Put yourself in the middle of a circle of recovery. You have this window, where you had a moment of clarity, hold onto that with everything you have. Let us know how your appointment went. I firmly believe in having a plan and support to follow through. We are here to help with that in anyway we can. Read the Thomas Recipe and Amino acid Protocol in the health pages, learn about addiction, you will be free. Keep your eyes on the Prize, freedom and life.
Helpful - 0
1700643 tn?1464846682
wow.u r taking a scary amount.im thrilled u woke up.U need to get with a doctor and be honest.They r usually shockingly understanding.I assume u have to taper cause u r on such a high dose.U need to discuss ur options with a professional n my opinion.U came to the right place for support&help.
Helpful - 0
1235186 tn?1656987798
thank GOD you woke up and so glad you are back.
your desire , your positive thoughts and outlook are so important in this battle.
you sound ready to fight.
your desire to be clean has to be stronger than your desire to use.
anxious to hear your plan.
sending prayers,
Helpful - 0
511409 tn?1373395178
Great to hear, Your one step closer. We're all pulling for ya.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Awoke this morning and I'm overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and understanding. So I've been clean for a couple hours I guess you could say. I will be heading to the doctor today, not my PC but a specialist. I will let you know on here what route we've decided.

Thanks so much again for the advice and supportive words. You'll hear from me soon. I wake up today with a much better outlook, as opposed to the usual "wake-up-need-more-NOW" routine. So maybe this site can be therapeutic in and of itself.

God bless all of you. Talk to you soon :)
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
Hello and welcome!  Congrats on reaching out for help, that's the first step, and a tough one.

First thing's first...NO ONE can save your life but YOU.  YOU have to do the work and make the changes.  I agree completely with the importance of telling your secret.  It seems impossible, but you will feel SO relieved...you will be surprised at the support you will get, and I would be willing to bet those who are closest to you already know something isn't right, if they don't already know you're actually using.  Addicts are sneaky, but usually, there are BIG red flags, and usually the loved ones know something is up.

Your habit is a big one, and you ARE running the risk of OD'ing every day, which is why it's crucial that you act now.  The treatment approach you decide on has to be one you're on board with and are willing to put the work into.  There are MANY different approaches you can take...

*Suboxone absolutely CAN be an option for you...but you HAVE to understand that it isn't a cure.  It's a TOOL in recovery only.  You will eventually have to come off that as well, with w/ds, but if you find a good clinic, and work the program, you can be successful.  

*You also can try a taper, but like others have said, you're going to need help with that.  You've already admitted you have no self control (most don't)...so you probably would struggle sticking to a taper.  

*You could try CT which can be rough, but it's also one of those things like ripping the bandaid off...it stinks, but it will be over with a little faster.  

*Inpatient would be another choice, and personally what I would recommend for you.  You will find reasons (excuses) why inpatient won't "work" for you..your job, your family, etc etc.  You have to dig deep and find a way it WOULD and could work for you.  It's a very valuable trade off, a month, two, three of your life to BE alive and start living again.  You'll be detoxed in a controlled environment, and you will start on an intensive recovery program.  

So, give this some thought, and start formulating a plan TODAY.  You can try to enlist the help of your doctor.  Go in, be 100% honest about what you're doing and tell him you need help.  Hopefully, if you have a decent doctor, he will help you get through the detox period.  

Telling your secret and eliminating sources are also VERY important.  If you don't come clean with people (and you don't have to tell everyone you know, one or two trusted people to start is fine) then there is no accountability, and your risk for relapse will be high.  If you don't eliminate your sources, you will be faced with a lot of temptation when you're still very vulnerable.  You have to try to eliminate as many triggers as you can.  

If you decide to try to taper or CT at home, I wouldn't recommend using ANYTHING that is habit forming or mind altering.  While those things (MJ, benzos, etc) may help to ease w/d symptoms for some, often times, they will make you feel worse...plus you run the risk of getting hooked on something else.  Plus, with the size of your habit, you would likely need to use a hefty amount of those things to even make a difference..NOT a good idea.  You don't want to trade an opiate addiction for a benzo addiction.  Your plan sounds good in theory, but it's a BAD idea.  The sooner you accept that there IS no easy way out of w/ds, the better off you'll be.

If you check out the Thomas recipe here, you'll find lots of tips on easing w/ds that don't involve habit forming or mind altering substances.  We'll support you every step of the way, we'll give you encouragement and advice, but again, YOU have to do the work hon.

Make today the first day of the rest of your life.  You are at a crisis point...if you DON'T start changing things, there WILL be a bad outcome, that's one thing that is certain...whether it be death, jail, losing everything and everyone in your life...bad things are coming.  You sound like a smart guy and you know that...so now it's time to do something about it.  Start with talking to someone close to you...reach out, unburden yourself by telling your secret.  Don't let the stigma and perceived judgements keep you from getting the support you need.  Addiction is a disease...you're sick and need help.  You're not a bad person, or a weak person.  Addiction isn't a character flaw.

VERY best to you...you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Helpful - 0
5347058 tn?1381188426
I agree with everyone above. Please let someone you trust know what you're going through. That will be so vital in your recovery. You need all of the love and support that you can get right now. I understand how scary it is, but you will feel as if a weight has been lifted off of your soul just letting someone in on your secret. We are here for you too. We have all been in your shoes my friend and we want to see you make it through. Good luck to you!
Helpful - 0
511409 tn?1373395178
BTW: the last thing you wanna do is get caught doc hoppin as you are. Going cold turkey in a cold jail cell is hell. Been there, done that. Got the scars from the fights to remind myself. Keep posting, keep reading, keep your head up. You CAN do this. Your life is waiting for you on the other side. Strength and Courage brother.
Helpful - 0
511409 tn?1373395178
Mourning. First of all you've found a great place. This fourum has saved my *** more times than I care to admit. There are people on here that will do damn near anything to help. Second, you've gotten yourself into quite the habbit bro. I agree with whats stated up top. You really need to consider suboxine. Not gonna lie to ya. Your trading one demon for another. BUT its a GIANT step in the right direction. Once you've tweaked the dosage  to fit your needs, you can let your body plane out for a while and then start to taper from them. Honestly, you have two choices here. And you already know what they are. Choose to face this Demon, and live. Or continue down that rabbit hole to death. I've lost 4 friends in the last 3 years to Oxys. Hated seeing the looks on peoples faces that didn't understand how strong that monster is. You say you wanna be the bright young man that you know you are. Prove it. You gonna have to dig deep. You're facing something that will probably be the hardest thing you've ever done. Forgive me for not sugar coating. But I think you know just how close you are to causing everyone who loves you the most devastating pain they will ever face. If you choose to do the taper thing, cool. But I suggest you go and read some of our other posts. Most of us with this disease don't really have the will power to taper. Me, long story short, at my worst was banging down 20-30 hydros a DAY.  Not gonna lie to you. I've gotten clean, loved life, and fallen from grace more times than I can count. But I never quit quiting. And honestly, those damn Oxys are death in pill form. It's the damn drug companies "legal" way of selling heroine.  Like stated, if you choose. Your gonna chase that dragon, and not come back. Now, no idea where you from. But in every big city in the US you can find a doc, separate from your PC that will set you up with the script for the Subs. IE: it can be done privately, at less cost that probably one days habbit.  But don't be stupid. You absolutely have to choose one or the other. If you start taking both, and continue, its almost certain you'll have renal failure within a month maybe six weeks. Body can only handle so much. But the Subs are a life saver. It'll calm and maybe even kill the craving. And give you time to stand.  Stay on the forum. I can only speak of what I know from my experiances. If I come across a bit brash, please forgive me. I came up on the East Side streets of Detroit. Just how I communicate. I'm gonna tag your post, and if you need to talk, let me know.  Others on here will have been closer to where you are and may be better at guidance. But know this. We all, all are here with you. You may not know us. But we are ready and willing to help. Good luck and god bless. I'll say a prayer for ya bro.
Helpful - 0
4810126 tn?1503942735
Hi & Welcome!

Thanks so much for posting. Congratulations on your Big Decision. You're in the right place. Please, Try not to be fearful. You CAN do this and without either Kratom or the above-mentioned Suboxone.

Things you have on your side: a) Your age. b) The amount of 'time in' you have compared to your 'clean time'. c) You are self-aware. (i.e. You're not in denial and realize the gravity of your current situation.)

What atthebeach said above, is absolutely True. I know you have a responsible position and you feel like you'd be letting your family down but if you think about it, the opposite is true. If you continue on your present course, you'll be caught. Period. Imagine how'd they'd feel then that you didn't reach out?

I've seen this repeatedly here on the forum and in my own life. Addicts are frightened. They operate secretly from a place of fear, shame and guilt. They fail to understand that what really hurts their family/friends is the fact that they took so long to reach out and didn't trust them enough. If you are serious about getting clean, (which it sounds like you are.), one of the best things you could do for yourself to level the playing field and get 'witnessed' is to reach out to one or two trusted, non-judgmental types. I promise you, it will be such a relief. This will release all the pressure you've built up from keeping your secret. The problem is if you don't, you remain 'unwitnessed' and when you're detoxing and it becomes difficult, your mind will trick you into using. Since there's no one outside of yourself to be accountable to, it's so much easier to talk yourself into using 'just one'. This is one of the first steps you really should be taking on your journey to sobriety.

As for Kratom & Suboxone, replacing one opiate for another is not an option, particularly the latter as it's so very powerful and more difficult to come off of down the line. Please, try to exhaust all other options before going on either Suboxone or Methadone. (I've been on both.) If you find it impossible to taper or go c/t a detox and rehab would be ideal. You'd be in a controlled environment where all temptation is removed.

While your habit is large enough, I've seen people with worse ones who've gone cold turkey and done really well. So, again, this is eminently doable if you set your mind to it. Besides telling someone around you, the other thing you can do right now, is to continue to post for support. This site is an AMAZING, INSPIRING & EFFECTIVE resource. I couldn't have gotten clean without it (20 yrs. Methadone/30 Heroin). I wish you all the Clarity, Determination, Patience & Love you'll need to punch through this. We're here.
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Avatar universal
I'm glad you see you need help I don't know about your Doc but what I do know is this,,, same place different face by that I mean I'm in the uk 1000s of miles away but we are in this hell together & WDs are always going to happen & to get clean we have to do it, maybe a home detox could work for you & as for the 70hr jobs is it not better to get a week off Because if u don't clean up there is not going to be a job & that's when a whole new level to your addiction will appear so good luck keep strong & stay positive and start preparing foods vits suppliment because you have to give this a 110% sometimes 100% isn't enuff. Great on admitting your an addict 1st step done ;)
Helpful - 0
1235186 tn?1656987798
hello and welcome. I am glad you are realizing the seriousness of your addiction. yes you could die.
you don't do heroin now, BUT  many people swear they would never do heroin but as the pills get too expensive and your habit increases as it always does heroin will sound like a viable option.
please read my thread one more time......
addiction ends in death, jail or institution.
why do you have two doctors? who prescribe the same drug? that is considered doctor shopping and is a crime.
you have a serious addiction, someone who you trust will have to help you with a taper. they have to hold the pills for you and stick to a schedule.
cut out a little every few days. the withdrawal will be less severe.
check out the Thomas recipe on the health pages, there are vitamins that help with detox.
dont use kratom  that also is addictive.
please consider trusting someone you know such as a family member or a close friend. it would be better for them to know you are a addict trying to recover instead of the sad news that you overdosed.
this is the reality of addiction.
please get rid of your dealers numbers, they are killing you.
please stay close to this forum we will support you and encourage you.
many have walked this path you are on and have lived to tell about it.
please start a taper today.
you can do this.
sending prayers, hope and peace,
Helpful - 0
1198664 tn?1368647812
You have a serious habit there brother and yes if you don't stop one day soon you will not wake up. Plus you are really soon some liver damage with all of those norco-vicodins.
I will tell you that your life will get worse and worse and worse if you keep using. You know that. You will eventually lose everything if not your life.
I guess maybe you could try to taper down and be relentless about staying with a schedule. We can't tell you how much to taper but its not hard to figure out a little less every few days or something like that. That way the WD won't be as harsh. But at your usage man I don't know. I'm usually against suboxone but you sound like a prime candidate for it. It was created for people on high levels and it won't throw you into the horrible withdrawls. Maybe you should look into it. Having said that I just did the cold turkey thing off of pain pills and heroin 3 weeks ago. The first week was hell. The second just a little better and this week even better. CT can be done. But at your levels of use I would ask a doctor maybe. Or look into the suboxone.
You are going to have to feel WD no matter how you do it. But man you have got to do something. Imagine getting arrested for stealing and having to WD in JAIL!? I know people who have. That's not a fun day. Others will be on here soon to help out. It's slow in the mornings.
Helpful - 0
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