hi and welcome to the forum... we get a lot of methadone addicts here and have several regular members that have recovered from this drug im sure they will chime in when they read your post... first things first a big congrats on 39 days.....I often say it is not so much the severity of the withdrawal...but the long recovery time that makes it so difficult...as for me I kicked back in 2009 off 150mg for almost 7yrs I was 47...I have developed a formula to give you a idea of what to expect keep in mind know 2 detoxes are the same but there are several factors that influence just how this goes for most people..my prayer to God was...''if you get me threw this I will devote my time hear on the forum'' I cant keep count of how many people I have helped off this drug but according to my profile this will be my 9733 post on this forum with the lions share to methadone addicts I hope the insite that I have learned along the way can help you as well...first things first...so 95 mg is not crazy high but it is high enough to make this hard to do the next factor and what I consider the most relevant is time used ...anything beyond a year or two really influence your recovery time the last thing is your age age is a huge thing...I was 47 at 150mg for almost 7 yrs so the cards where stacked ageist me...it took a lot of resolve perseverance and a positive attitude all are critical factors..now if your a 20 something recovery can comes as quick as 30 days..but the norm for this is usually 60 to 90 days...for me it took a good 90 days to really start to feel like there was hope...you try to be dope sick for 90 days....itt was the roughest detox that I ever went threw and after 10yrs on the pills I have had to detox more times then I like to admit to...for me the worst part was both the lack of sleep and the ''energy crash'' dont get me wrong the anxzity was off the charts at first then came the restless legs and hands down it was the long recovery that made it seam hopeless at first...one of the best moves is journaling and remember to count every little thing that changes like last night I only got 2 hours sleep 3 days later I got 4 hours and so on...alway list your symptoms we have a lot of home cures to help you...just know when it is all said and done it is SO SO WORTH IT TO BE FREE!!!!!no more ''liquid handcuffs''please feel free to message me with questions...and remember to try not to let fear into the equation...do your best to keep a positive attitude it makes the difference between being uncomfortable and suffering...suffering is a choice like me when it finely runs it coerce you will consider it one of lifes greatest accomplishments...I prefer to work in the open forum we can help more people that way however if you prefire one on one we can use the messenger I look forward to helping you...by helping you I get back 10 fold in my own recovery....''you cant keep it if you dont give it away'' the best of luck to you and my prayers will be with you................Gnarly...................
Day 40 Yesterday was a real challenge for some reason. Work is super tough even in short (you'd laugh) shifts! Did a 3.5 hour on my legs and felt like I was going to die. It's tech work and I feel I'm failing on my company. Got home at 6:30pm and straight to the couch. Sat up (didn't sleep) at around 10 and drove to Taco Bell for a bean burrito as most things I used to eat don't sound good. Anyway, I had about 10 min. of what I can only call completely normal as I felt years ago. I damn near choked up when I realized what was going on. I have a LOT of anger inside toward the clinic. I understand it was me who did this, however, as we all know they make it soooooo easy eh? I daydream of walking in there and just losing it... One more thing, I did walk in there about two weeks ago to see if they'd give me my $ back on un-used days. Before I even mentioned it they were treating me as if I was a leper. None of the "smiles" and "Hey Kev" -- just glares and stares. Needless to say I didn't get my $30. I really just wanted to show them that, yea, I'm clean m-fer's
;) Stay strong all
Day 41 Yesterday went decent, sleep continues to be a huge struggle.. Just found out my T levels are very low (99 should be 250-1100) and free was 13 (normal range 35-155) From everything I've researched this can have a huge impact on energy and all other health stuff. They wanted me to come in next week. For the first time in my life I politely but sternly asked for an earlier appt. as this recovery is so important to me. Going in tomorrow at 9am
I was never a needle user so no triggers there.. Guess it's a shot. Hopefully it'll jump start my own body... might do a 41.5 post later. Staying strong.
Day 42 Am I allowed to say THIS SUCKS?!? Gosh 6 weeks in - watery eyes, sneezing 30 times a day but over all I'm angry. Anger towards everything it seems. Got my first CC of testosterone this morning, thought my family doc would be more supportive. He's cool and all but I guess I wanted more, "HEY GREAT JOB!!!" I've been taking valerian root and kava per suggestion but now just read it causes drowsiness. Hmmm... don't know anymore. Lower back and thighs super sore too which never used to happen. Oh well. No option at this point, onward bound.
Day 43 Even though I've been awake since 3:15am I feel pretty good. I don't really want to work today but here I am. I hate it - NEVER used to clock watch now it's every 5 min. Should I quit? I don't know. Part of me just wants to completely devote myself to this recovery (rest, exercise, veg, whatever) No anxiety, just a little headache and blahhh Still clean, rockin' on...
Day 45 Anxiety back in full force... I think I've FINALLY accepted (not happy about it) that this is going to be a l o n g road. Symptoms persist. What does one do at 3 in the morning?? Life has settled into a truly boring state. I don't have any visions of backsliding -- my visions continue to be of anger towards my using. I'm frustrated my super powers are gone yet I hate that which gave them to me... it's all just weird.
Keep on posting Kev. Post like someone's life in the future depends on it because it probably does. Dig deep and be honest. The thing that paralyzed me the most about methadone W/D was fear of the unknown. Let your honest and truthful journey be a light to those searching for the truth. Knowledge IS power.
Day "finally losing track". ;). Thanks everyone... No I didn't taper (unless you call 2mg per day for 2 days a taper Laugh out loud!). So I jumped. Methadone w/d for ME has been so weird. Like right now I'm sitting in a hotel in Louisville, KY feeling like an absolute rock star... the physical was never that acute - uncomfortable at times and sucky -- but doable most certainly. Sleep is tough very tough... I called the m clinic yesterday before I left asking for my labs/medical records which they would NOT release to me. They said substance abuse doesn't fall under the HIPPA laws -- whatever – I went ahead and burned the bridge with a few choice words. I don't know if it was the healthiest thing in the world but it sure felt good at the time. I wanted to pull that last piece of metaphorical splinter. Going to do more physical exercise today then I've done in years... wish me luck!! My son told me yesterday that you don't have to push yourself.... I'm pushing on harder than ever.. ;).
Day 49 - i've been awake since 3 AM – this is getting really really old. You can only listen to so much music and watch so much TV. I passed a small kidney stone ia few hours ago which is how this whole thing started in the first place . Extremely nervous as that usually leads to an attack of larger stones. Narcotics were always the only relief whether at home or in the emergency room. Scared as hell. Took the family to an amusement park and I'm wondering if the rollercoasters jarred them loose yesterday...
Thanks Dave -- some days you just gotta get to bedtime. I was just bragging to someone how my anxiety/cravings are gone and then this afternoon came. Wow. Minute by minute right now. I'll live.
Day 50 - I made it through yesterday. I wish I felt better about my successes, it seems I'm focusing on what I can't do rather than what I can. Sometimes I hope that when I have a bad day/moment it is the withdrawals "last stand". It's fun to daydream :-)
As countless posts concur, energy/motivation has been my largest challenge. I believe my anxiety issues yesterday were because I forgot my blood pressure pill as once I took it I was fine a half hour later. That's a plus. Hang in there everyone...
Day 51 - Thanks so much for the support and strength Junk... I needed it today as anxiety in full blazing force. It's been starting after lunch and lasts 3-4 hours. Never been THIS bad. Literally physically hurts in my chest. I can't tell a lie, thoughts have crossed my mind of giving up. They are fleeting and quick but there nonetheless. I'm just tired of not being honest so there you have it. Starting to isolate too which I know isn't good. I've put my wife through so much I just don't want her hearing/seeing me. To all this may depress, I'm clean this second - only 27,180 more to day 52
Can't express the gratitude I have for everyone's support! These last days have been the most difficult, I have to be honest. I only slept maybe an hour last night and I don't know if you could call it sleep. I never understood what anxiety was until now - 50 some days in... I can only trust it is a part of my journey and not a permanent ailment Hidden by years of opioid use. It's hard to look at the cup half full. There still is anxiety lurking inside but it's not quite as bad as 12 hours ago. I long for the day when I'll feel peace...
Day 53 - Wifes alarm woke me from a DEAD SLEEP at 5:45am (laid down at 11:45) boy I was pissed. What could have been! Argh. Felt great last evening being free from anxiety but she's back this afternoon full force. Unless anyone knows different, research tells me any med that'd give me immediate relief probably is addictive. Hence I have not called the dr. Still dead of energy. Wish I had a bunch of positive stuff here but don't -- other than I still haven't used.
Day 54 - I've been in sort of a bad place... thank you both for the support as it's well needed. Today seems much better. Being a man it's hard to admit I've been super emotional... thinking of the past relentlessly (mostly the good stuff) Having strange dreams of past girlfriends, etc. Super weird. Being married for 19 years I'd occasional see an ex about town and wouldn't give it a second thought... now it's spinning about my mind! I'm not used to this. It's foreign to me. My mind races from one thing to the next... no using thoughts or regret... just how life was years ago. AA/NA says, "we don't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" --- I'm not "in" the program but I'm trying to figure that one out.
Day 55 - I handled a situation today that before I would have been a mess. There was an inner confidence and calm I haven't had probably ever. It's almost as though having having this challenge has made other "challenges" minuscule. Basically a guy chewed me out big time and I just stood there thinking, "if you only knew" Symptoms are the same just for the record. Still rockin on...
Day 56. - Despite yesterday, today I've been questioning everything. Up at 3:00am leaves my mind to wander all sorts of dark places... Am I ready for clean life? If I REALLY want this then why do I look back? Do I deserve this? Is is an accomplishment to get back to "normal" Energy being low at least had motivation which now seems to be waning. I know I've not been positive as of late in many areas. Given my pure hatred (and I mean hatred) for everything methadone - the drug, clinic, owners, etc. I don't see failure in that direction. I am, however, concerned my "give a damn" could finally bust and lead me to other things. I know me.
Day 57 - Thank you both for the kind words and support... I've been pushing through all the bowel issues, energy, motivation, lack of sleep, loneliness, etc.
It's this anxiety which has really caught me off guard. Even my wife said something hugely depressing (unlike her). She told me I'm not living. Believe me please, it's not for lack of desire that I'm not positive. It's the first time in my life I'm acting purely on faith as NOW I absolutely can't see it....
Evening post here anxiety lasted only an hour today - spent time with an old friend which was nice. I have a tiny bit now but not crushing. Thanks Lesa I trust you all that it's part of it and "this too shall pass"
Day 58 - went to the dentist A few days ago as my front lower teeth ache .. of all things they pulled out a popcorn kernel. The pain hasn't gone away it's just constantly nagging at me. Was I medicated so long that even the slightest irritation dries me crazy? It's not killing me but constantly in my mind it's there.
Day - 59 "This too shall pass" seems to be my calling card as of late... ;). There are times where my mind is super clear. That's positive. I didn't let my daughter mess my head up today and that's also positive. I just realised in this moment that I haven't thought about methadone all day. Despite nagging symptoms I consider that a plus. My tooth doesn't hurt. I ate well today. Took a nap. I listened to some old R.E.M. I hugged my wife. My children have friends and they're playing in the yard. Still have faith...
Day 60 Ftmill!! Congratulations!! warmly lesa
I posted a Day 60 from work but must not have "sent" and I'm I'm sure left the screen up. Lord knows who has seen this entire thread.. might be out of a job this evening – I can be so stupid. I was planning on quitting but I wanted to give it a few more months as I recover . Yet another challenge.. kids first day of school so I'm a little lonely need to find something to do. Starting to get brief glimpses of life on the other side -- I can't wait.
Day - 61 More of the same... just really weak. I have noticed that I don't get NEARLY as winded climbing stairs which is great! I have a huge problem standing for any length of time which makes things difficult esp. at work.
Work this evening hasn't gone as well as of late. Not performing bothers me. Shrink asks me, "does anyone complain?" and the answer I give is, "No" However, I can tell I'm not doing as well as expected. I know it's up and down with me. Slept quite a bit last night/this morning/this afternoon ;) I wake every hour but nonetheless I'm sleeping.