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Quit methadone - daily progress thread
After a handful of random posts here, it was suggested I start a progress thread. I don't want to steal anyone's thunder but maybe this can help others - including hopefully myself. ;)
Long story short - kidney stones - vicodin - dumb decision to go to methadone clinic - 90mg for last 5 years or so. 48 year old male. Oh, and I quit drinking at 21 after 3 three years of collegiate alcoholism...
The first week wasn't not that bad. I did check myself into a detox, however didn't use the medication except valium a few nights. I was with about 25 other high/higher dose methadone patients. I am now 100% convinced there is a stigma of methadone w/d the festers in the minds of addicts. Most of us have never stopped methadone. It's a complete unknown other than 'rumors' and 'line talk'. I was terrified of the unknown, so was everyone else I was with... That PURE fear leads to what?!? ** ANXIETY ** which then manifests itself in physical forms i.e. cravings, nausea, etc. It is a vicious cycle. There are true physical issues, however, I'd see a man at day 5-6 off 280mgs absolutely losing it - only to be perfectly fine for HOURS after simply chatting with others (staff, patients, etc.) Could I have done that first 10 days without detox? Looking back now absolutely, however at the time I personally needed that ONE FIRST STEP. A commitment that, at least for that day, I'd be clean. The last 5 weeks have not been easy - week two and three were a breeze - the last 2 have been challenging but I'm still clean.
Day 39 Stayed up an hour later hoping to sleep in - didn't work - bed at 12 and up at 5. Tossed and turned as usual throughout the night. Went to breakfast (something I NEVER used to do) and here I sit. When I think about the energy crash I know is coming I get anxious. It's hard to tell between anxiety and cravings. I called the detox yesterday to ask about energy to which I was told, "yea, we took away your super powers" Laughingly I agreed.
Long story short - kidney stones - vicodin - dumb decision to go to methadone clinic - 90mg for last 5 years or so. 48 year old male. Oh, and I quit drinking at 21 after 3 three years of collegiate alcoholism...
The first week wasn't not that bad. I did check myself into a detox, however didn't use the medication except valium a few nights. I was with about 25 other high/higher dose methadone patients. I am now 100% convinced there is a stigma of methadone w/d the festers in the minds of addicts. Most of us have never stopped methadone. It's a complete unknown other than 'rumors' and 'line talk'. I was terrified of the unknown, so was everyone else I was with... That PURE fear leads to what?!? ** ANXIETY ** which then manifests itself in physical forms i.e. cravings, nausea, etc. It is a vicious cycle. There are true physical issues, however, I'd see a man at day 5-6 off 280mgs absolutely losing it - only to be perfectly fine for HOURS after simply chatting with others (staff, patients, etc.) Could I have done that first 10 days without detox? Looking back now absolutely, however at the time I personally needed that ONE FIRST STEP. A commitment that, at least for that day, I'd be clean. The last 5 weeks have not been easy - week two and three were a breeze - the last 2 have been challenging but I'm still clean.
Day 39 Stayed up an hour later hoping to sleep in - didn't work - bed at 12 and up at 5. Tossed and turned as usual throughout the night. Went to breakfast (something I NEVER used to do) and here I sit. When I think about the energy crash I know is coming I get anxious. It's hard to tell between anxiety and cravings. I called the detox yesterday to ask about energy to which I was told, "yea, we took away your super powers" Laughingly I agreed.
Month 4 and about 3 weeks - Still off Methadone... spent some time in SW Florida to try and "get away" Wish I had a super positive update, but continue to be challenged daily. Am I dying? No. Am I suffering? No. I just continue to be amazed at just how crappy I feel. Despite much improved sleep, I still have almost zero energy. Motivation is almost non-existent. Stories of it taking a year or more to "reset" seem more and more correct. Even simple tasks take everything in me. Not much anxiety anymore, just an overall sense of blah. It's pretty obvious my brain has yet to produce much/any dopamine.
Despite all this, I've managed to stay of the methadone.
Despite all this, I've managed to stay of the methadone.
1 Comments
No methadone despite the struggle is a positive update! I'm glad to hear from you and we are here for you. It's going to get better I'm sorry that you feel so blah but the good news is even if it does take a year you're almost halfway there! What I wouldn't give to already have that much clean time under my belt again. The struggle is real but we are in this together.
My doctor told me it would be about 6 months to get energy back - for mine and your sake I'm praying that's the case.
My doctor told me it would be about 6 months to get energy back - for mine and your sake I'm praying that's the case.
Someday I hope to not constantly think about all this... I just realized I have not I cannot remember since when :) Congrats I day 123 Ftmill!! lesa
Thank you much — great post — I am gonna look into some vitamins esp magnesium. Glad I give you hope as I can be a real bummer poster! :).
Ps. I'm on Paxil (much like lexapro) and it does have side effects when starting it. When I started Paxil I was completely sober and had been for a good 3 or 4 years but the Paxil gave me headaches and nausea and crazy nightmares for a good two weeks. Just FYI
ALSO the first and only time I got clean I was coming off methadone and was at a YEAR LONG rehab - for the first 6 months I took naps more than most people and I thought I just had very low energy...it did get better though. I was sober for 6 yrs before relapsing (I got divorced and moved into an apartment next to a drug dealer far away from home and all alone - it was a perfect storm - not making excuses just saying...sobriety is possible and it's good - just got too keep accountability in your life which I failed to do).
ALSO the first and only time I got clean I was coming off methadone and was at a YEAR LONG rehab - for the first 6 months I took naps more than most people and I thought I just had very low energy...it did get better though. I was sober for 6 yrs before relapsing (I got divorced and moved into an apartment next to a drug dealer far away from home and all alone - it was a perfect storm - not making excuses just saying...sobriety is possible and it's good - just got too keep accountability in your life which I failed to do).
Day - 115 Really trying to adjust to this new "normal"... I can't figure out whether this EXTREME fatigue is straight up depression (which I've never experienced) or still just protracted withdrawal. I ended up trying Lexapro a few nights ago and ended up having the worst night since this all began. I wish I knew if this "off" feeling will ever completely go away. Although I've since refrained from reading countless internet posts, I read where there are some who never fully 'recover' Now that's all I think about. Sometimes I wonder what my true motivation is... do I *really* want this or is the ******** hassle of the clinic my real drive? I often feel the later. It's really difficult being positive about anything - just being honest.
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