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Quit methadone - daily progress thread
After a handful of random posts here, it was suggested I start a progress thread. I don't want to steal anyone's thunder but maybe this can help others - including hopefully myself. ;)
Long story short - kidney stones - vicodin - dumb decision to go to methadone clinic - 90mg for last 5 years or so. 48 year old male. Oh, and I quit drinking at 21 after 3 three years of collegiate alcoholism...
The first week wasn't not that bad. I did check myself into a detox, however didn't use the medication except valium a few nights. I was with about 25 other high/higher dose methadone patients. I am now 100% convinced there is a stigma of methadone w/d the festers in the minds of addicts. Most of us have never stopped methadone. It's a complete unknown other than 'rumors' and 'line talk'. I was terrified of the unknown, so was everyone else I was with... That PURE fear leads to what?!? ** ANXIETY ** which then manifests itself in physical forms i.e. cravings, nausea, etc. It is a vicious cycle. There are true physical issues, however, I'd see a man at day 5-6 off 280mgs absolutely losing it - only to be perfectly fine for HOURS after simply chatting with others (staff, patients, etc.) Could I have done that first 10 days without detox? Looking back now absolutely, however at the time I personally needed that ONE FIRST STEP. A commitment that, at least for that day, I'd be clean. The last 5 weeks have not been easy - week two and three were a breeze - the last 2 have been challenging but I'm still clean.
Day 39 Stayed up an hour later hoping to sleep in - didn't work - bed at 12 and up at 5. Tossed and turned as usual throughout the night. Went to breakfast (something I NEVER used to do) and here I sit. When I think about the energy crash I know is coming I get anxious. It's hard to tell between anxiety and cravings. I called the detox yesterday to ask about energy to which I was told, "yea, we took away your super powers" Laughingly I agreed.
Long story short - kidney stones - vicodin - dumb decision to go to methadone clinic - 90mg for last 5 years or so. 48 year old male. Oh, and I quit drinking at 21 after 3 three years of collegiate alcoholism...
The first week wasn't not that bad. I did check myself into a detox, however didn't use the medication except valium a few nights. I was with about 25 other high/higher dose methadone patients. I am now 100% convinced there is a stigma of methadone w/d the festers in the minds of addicts. Most of us have never stopped methadone. It's a complete unknown other than 'rumors' and 'line talk'. I was terrified of the unknown, so was everyone else I was with... That PURE fear leads to what?!? ** ANXIETY ** which then manifests itself in physical forms i.e. cravings, nausea, etc. It is a vicious cycle. There are true physical issues, however, I'd see a man at day 5-6 off 280mgs absolutely losing it - only to be perfectly fine for HOURS after simply chatting with others (staff, patients, etc.) Could I have done that first 10 days without detox? Looking back now absolutely, however at the time I personally needed that ONE FIRST STEP. A commitment that, at least for that day, I'd be clean. The last 5 weeks have not been easy - week two and three were a breeze - the last 2 have been challenging but I'm still clean.
Day 39 Stayed up an hour later hoping to sleep in - didn't work - bed at 12 and up at 5. Tossed and turned as usual throughout the night. Went to breakfast (something I NEVER used to do) and here I sit. When I think about the energy crash I know is coming I get anxious. It's hard to tell between anxiety and cravings. I called the detox yesterday to ask about energy to which I was told, "yea, we took away your super powers" Laughingly I agreed.
Day 104 - three and a half months off methadone I am still here. Not really sure if I’m ok or not. Always saw the world in back and white... maybe it’s actually not..
Day - 98 2:35am Well that didn't last... I wish I understood, I was so excited that maybe the sleep thing was past. So depressing.... a whole 3 hours of sleep and a long day ahead.
1 Comments
...I take 1/2 of a Tylenol p.m. they are strong so all I need is a half..have you tried these?
Day - 95. Soulscape you're a genius!!!!!!!! 5:35!!!!! I woke up a lot but didn't look at clock just flipped over and chilled out. I've not been this excited in 95 days... slept 7 hours wow. no bordom for hours either... im in a great place right now
Reading posts like yours gives me more and more hope this someday will end... the antihistamine that worked so well last night has done zero today. Up again at 2:30 and have been sitting here for 2 hours. It's so weird, like clockwork. I'm not freaking out like last few nights though.
1 Comments
Hey Ftmil , congrats on staying with it , I still wake up at random times in the night, what i found super effective for me was, to just roll back over, to not even think oh damn what time is it, or anything at all. Have you tried mediation. It can work for anxiety also. I use to be super bad , panic attacks and all that jazz. But ive been goin to a therapist since my Day 1 , and have learned alot of ways to help with it. At this point , i havent had a attack or anxiety flare up for months, prob a year. Just a suggestion for ya. I can promise you it will get better. It can also help to start telling yourself i feel better, even if you know your not 100 percent.
I did this trick recently with cigs, just kept telling my self they stink. now i hate the smell of someone smoking. Our mind is a powerful tool.
I did this trick recently with cigs, just kept telling my self they stink. now i hate the smell of someone smoking. Our mind is a powerful tool.
As much as I hate it, I consider it ammo to not go back. When I quit drinking 27 years ago I kept thinking if I ever drink again it would be all for nothing... I'd bounce on and off Vicodin so I KNOW how I am. I'm starting to get out of my comfort zone and learn new skill sets so I think I'm making progress. Hope everyone is feeling st peace tonight.
Day - 82. Tried to go to bed as late as possible - laid down about midnight. Again, up at 4. Here I sit in the dark. Such a lonely ride...
1 Comments
Yes it is a lonely ride Ftmill. When it is all over unfortunately we tend to forget the details of what it took to get here I think we are set up like that to survive the horrible things we sometimes have to go thru.
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