Quit methadone - daily progress thread

[Ftmill]

After a handful of random posts here, it was suggested I start a progress thread.  I don't want to steal anyone's thunder but maybe this can help others - including hopefully myself.  ;)

Long story short - kidney stones - vicodin - dumb decision to go to methadone clinic - 90mg for last 5 years or so.   48 year old male.   Oh, and I quit drinking at 21 after 3 three years of collegiate alcoholism...

The first week wasn't not that bad.   I did check myself into a detox, however didn't use the medication except valium a few nights.   I was with about 25 other high/higher dose methadone patients.   I am now 100% convinced there is a stigma of methadone w/d the festers in the minds of addicts.   Most of us have never stopped methadone.  It's a complete unknown other than 'rumors' and 'line talk'.   I was terrified of the unknown, so was everyone else I was with...  That PURE fear leads to what?!?  ** ANXIETY **  which then manifests itself in physical forms i.e. cravings, nausea, etc.   It is a vicious cycle.  There are true physical issues, however, I'd see a man at day 5-6 off 280mgs absolutely losing it - only to be perfectly fine for HOURS after simply chatting with others (staff, patients, etc.)   Could I have done that first 10 days without detox?  Looking back now absolutely, however at the time I personally needed that ONE FIRST STEP.   A commitment that, at least for that day, I'd be clean.  The last 5 weeks have not been easy - week two and three were a breeze - the last 2 have been challenging but I'm still clean.

Day 39   Stayed up an hour later hoping to sleep in - didn't work - bed at 12 and up at 5.   Tossed and turned as usual throughout the night.   Went to breakfast (something I NEVER used to do) and here I sit.  When I think about the energy crash I know is coming I get anxious.   It's hard to tell between anxiety and cravings.  I called the detox yesterday to ask about energy to which I was told, "yea, we took away your super powers"   Laughingly I agreed.  

[Ftmill]

Yes I won't be going over there anymore

[JunkyDave]

Just checking in on you buddy. Hope all is well.
-Dave

[Ftmill]

Day - 66   Things are getting really strange...  Last night I was walking with a friend in a neighborhood I've been driving through for 30 years.   I got lost, didn't know where I was.   I stood circling around in front of what I finally realized was a long time friend.   I've never experienced anything like this...  I go "in and out" of feeling crappy.   It's like it just won't let go.   I'll feel decent only to be curled up in a ball in a dark basement.   It's known now as the 'bunker' by my close friends.    I find myself assessing when I'll finally feel normal.   I want that so bad.  

[JunkyDave]

You are going to get well because that's what happens when a warrior meets addiction head-on. Nobody makes it this deep into the fight,the latter rounds, without being a tough S.O.B.
You gotta remember, at all times, the progress you've made. The cunningness of addiction will suggest that you are only treading water and not actually going anywhere. That is a lie. Your journal will save your azz in times like that. Take a read through the recent past sometime. I did and was shocked at how sick I truly was.
If all else fails, you just have to make the conscious decision to be tougher than a 2 dollar steak and power through the weak moments.
Bests, Dave

[10356]

I had a lot of those moments. They pass but they sure are disconcerting and worrisome, your brain is taking in and processing a lot more now so misfires are going to happen this passes. Once in awhile I will have a spacey moment but it passes quickly instead of lingering. I just came back from a climb halfway up a mountain/hill lol I plan on reaching the top! It feels good to have the desire and motivation back for life I had missed it dearly.. Congrats on 67 Days Ftmill!! lesa

[Ftmill]

Spoke to soon -- wow -- cunning, baffling, powerful..   Fought the beast all day..  sitting on the porch watching the sunlight dim.   Gosh small victories...  or large depending on perspective.   On to tomorrow...

[Ftmill]

Day -  63    I took a 2 1/2 hour nap yesterday after work.    Needless to say I didn't get to sleep last night at a normal time but I feel pretty decent right now.    I have the day off today.    Strange/good feelings about really believing this might all come true for me.   Thoughts of being able to travel  without worrying.    I'm definitely understanding the good times/bad times dialogue I've read in many posts.    Mornings were very difficult but now very doable.    Anxiety seems to be gone thank the Lord.    I'm sleeping but waking up every hour.  

[Ftmill]

I posted a Day 60 from work but must not have "sent" and I'm I'm sure left the screen up.  Lord knows who has seen this entire thread..    might be out of a job this evening – I can be so stupid.    I was planning on quitting but I wanted to give it a few more months as I recover .     Yet another challenge..   kids first day of school so I'm a little lonely need to find something to do.   Starting to get brief glimpses of life on the other side -- I can't wait.  

[10356]

You are far from stupid it is the wd memory lapse.. I spoke of myself going thru this. If anybody did our is reading this They will get how hard it is to get off this crap and how strong you are how determined How there is a whole industry that preys on people when they are at their weakest Instead of helping with a gradual reduction counseling pain techniques to ease it Clinics just keep increasing doses till the brain is numb to its situation to its hostage. It takes a Drive a Deep Commitment of self of ones spirit to walk away.. They should be as Proud of you as we are.. This to shall pass. Sometimes the worst things can lead to the best.. lesa

[Ftmill]

I don't remember learning *new* skills while medicated but I was a machine with skills acquired.  Just going to have to push yet understand my limitations.