Really feeling down, confused, on a rollercoaster

[EmbarrassedK]

Today would technically have made day three for my detox and I found one of my pills and took it at 5 this morning. Yes, weak, I know. I can't stop crying, my mind is everywhere. I feel guilt but also the temporary relief of what a normal morning felt like. I feel like I just screwed everything up and I don't know what to do. I HATE this situation. I was supposed to detox at home alone while my children were in school and my husband was at work so that no one had to witness my rollercoaster ride. Unfortunately my 12yr. old has been home sick and as strong as I've tried to be, he knows something is wrong. As sad as this sounds I miss my life with the percocets, everything made sense and I was functional. I feel so weak minded and like I really don't know what to do. I hate life right now and to think I'm may not be "better" by the time my vacation is over and I must return to work scares the life out of me. I feel so lost

[spider6]

Holy shite!

Man...that was awesome...(your sons game yes but I'm talking about your strength)........wow

...(falls on knees and begins "worship" gestures)

You. Are. Killing this.

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh,whoosh , ...hear that?....sound of a million angels all slappin their wings in "high fives" all across the heavens !  For you.

Kudos. ((((8))))

[EmbarrassedK]

To all my wonderful and amazing support systems on here, I just want to say I made it to my son's game, he pointed straight to me when he went up to bat and bombed it to the fence. And closed the game out with his phenomenal pitching and we took the win! But an even bigger win, was a conversation I was having with one of the older gentlemen who umpires about my back issues and he offered me his whole bottle of percocets for free to help minimize my pain(he has no idea I have already taken them or was ever on them. ) Just a gesture trying to help a friend out, but I did the best and hardest thing which was for me to say "oh, no thank you." I'm going to bed tonight feeling
accomplished rather than defeated. Im terrified for what tomorrow will hold, but today I came out victorious for my everythings, my children. Amen. And thank you ALL so much for all your love and support!xoxoxo

[gnarly_1]

Hi  well cudos for turning down the pill.....you need to avoid whoever offered it to you...  got to cut off the supply weather it be a doctor a dealer or even family  got to change the playmats and play grounds  you seem to be in better spirits now so stick with it  a positive attitude is the best thing you can bring to the table....I was at a meeting once and a guy told me....''we dont pick up no mater what'' and it has stuck with me  try to get out to a N/A meeting  the support is ausum and right now you need a place where you can share whats going on inside your head   google N/A meetings in your area  with a little help you can arrest the  disease and then recovery is possible  keep posting for support we all want to see you Make it.........................Gnarly......................................

[spider6]

Grats!...see that...that was one of those "jacked angels". ............who knows, maybe Christopher Reeves. ....lol.............well, maybe just your own super powers ...winning over that damm "stinkin thinkin"  great job !!!  Keepin it light. ((((8)))) hugs

[pillguy]

By turning down that pill you are walking in the right direction.  Congrats.  

[EmbarrassedK]

I think I learned my lesson from the small relief I got, but deep guilt that came with it. I refused a second dose, I just pray to God that I can continue to be this strong. This sure is a freakn rollercoaster!

[EmbarrassedK]

I am so, so very sorry about your wife. My deepest condolences. As I've told you before, I look up to you and your guidance. You have been a big support during this process. Just wanted to let you know that even though I'm still scared and hurting, I had the opportunity to get my hands on a few and I DECLINED! Free one, may I add. I definitely prayed a lot today and I'm sure that's where my strength is coming from. I'm stiff as a board and feeling so sh*tty but I pushed myself to surprise my kiddos at the school and pick them up instead of them riding the bus and am pushing myself to make my son's game. I'm sure many will see a big difference in my mood, just gonna tell them to steer clear I've got the flu ;) thanks for all your advice. I'm really trying. We'll see how bad I wake up tomorrow, and see what happens from there. As of today I'm pushing hard!

[EmbarrassedK]

Such beautiful words! Nearly brought me to tears. I am really trying. Pushing myself and mentally I was doing terribly this morning and I got on my knees and prayed and I have somehow found the will to push through the pain. Thank you for such kind and wonderful words!xo

[EmbarrassedK]

I absolutely would love to ride this out with you. I made a mistake today and I've prayed alot. Today is the first day I've left my house and bumped into a second "chance" to grab another pill and I REFUSED! I'm hurting right now, badly physically but not so much mentally. Any support I can be just private message me, anytime hun!

[gnarly_1]

Hi...well you didnt blow your recovery back to how your going to feel on day one   but that pill can be a real mind screw if you let it   let it be a lesson learned  it is ez to relapse just put it behind you  pick yourself up dust yourself off and move forward....it sound like your trying to do this alone  that is your disease telling you you have to do it this way and it rarely works...I have said this to a million people  just stopping the pills is not enough...your still stuck with the addict in your head that is alive and well....aftercare is a critical part of recovery   for me N/A has been the magic bullet  the meeting will give you some place to share what is going on inside your head with people that will understand I cant over emphasize how important this is...without it your only ''white knuckling'' your detox  instead of progressing on to recovery...it take work but as you can see this is not ez to do  just know those of us on here with clean time use aftercare google N/A meeting in your area......Gnarly

[leahlee18]

I'm really sorry about what happened to your wife :(  That is really sad and it is so scary.  I can't imagine ever overdosing but I guess sometimes you just never know.  Although there was a time recently when I took way too many in a few hours and I was really scared.  I told myself that was it, my waking up point and yet a day or 2 goes by and I forgot about it and just got more pills.  Really scary...

[pillguy]

Detox and maintaining sobriety are complex topics.  I don't subscribe to the "back at day one" thinking.  Are you in the same place as if you didn't even try.  No!  You have more knowledge and more knowledge always helps.  On the other hand you've burned up one of those 7 days before you go back to work.  That's not good.  Move forward from this point.  You really need to give sobriety a chance.  Its going to take an investment of time.  I know this subject very well.  Its been 7 years on opiates after waking up with my wife dead from an overdose, next to me in bed.  You would think that would be motivation enough.  The best I could do was flush the rest of the methadone we had.  I went out and bought a different kind of opiate.  That was my solution.  Those 7 years were spent continuing using, spending tens of thousands of dollars, continuing being an addict.  I'd have years of sobriety under my belt instead of months.  The sooner you commit the time and determination, the better.  Thats why people post here.  They know how much better their lives are and truely want others to have that experience, that knowledge that theres a better life out there for all of us using.

  One day at a time.  Thats the process for all of us.  I think I'm going to delete my addiction tracker.  I don't need to know how many days its been.  My task tomorrow is the same as it was yesterday.  It doesn't matter for me whether its been 2 days or 2 decades.

[spider6]

Hey, chickie, how's it going hon?  Sorry to hear that you tripped on a bump.....who here hasn't stumbled,...not many...."show your faces you guys!"......(cricket music)......see.  

Your breed, (type A, on energizer bunny mode), historically have the hardest time mentally and with the energy....your addict brain is trained to tell you that you don't have time for this, you need it done now, cuz you have a million responsibilities that lay heavy on your shoulders......ahem, glad to meet you, I'm one also.  So are many others here, as I'm sure you've read.

Problem is...with us...a big obstacle in our "ego",....
1.  Ask ourselves, who are we really protecting here when we keep or secrets?......is everything REALLY going to go to hellina handbasket if we're not on our "top game" (which isn't real btw anyway) for a few weeks while we acclimate?

2.Our kids don't see what's going on with me cuz I hide it so well.....(acknowledging that's not true,...the scary part is how they emulate us....and we know that's true.).

3. Our ego tells us that we're not like others and we're smarter or different and we hide it better. (Cuz we're so on the ball).....hahaha...that's a joke in itself...on the ball......OF COURSE WE'RE NOT ON THE BALL, but EGO is still trying to tell us ...no ...you go to those games......even if you have to take a pill to keep up appearances...for....who?

Taking one pill...no biggy.......you are a normal, human, loving, hard working, smart, proactive, protective, empathetic, nurturing, awesome soul......how can one little freakin pill take your power away.....and I short changed you cuz I don't know you, so I can only imagine how awesome you are!!

Pfft, to stumbles, you can and will move on stringer...you're the type!

Kick it it girl, scream out what your new plans are! We are sending angels with the real "jacked" wings....they'll carry you...

Bless , Janice....aka Spidey ...hugs

[winthewar]

Girl your story is one I am all to famila with sounds just like myself I was going on 72 houelrs and took 2 pills this morning to make it threw work maybe we could ream up and do this together if you would like?

[msdelight]

You just look that face straight in the eye and silently resolve to be there for his drivers license, hs and college graduation, wedding and children. How would he feel knowing you missed it because you godforbid overdose. What you are feeling is nothing compared to that pain. Your roller coaster ride will end. His never would. And the other kids too. Who would take care of them? Missing a few games with you wont damage them.

[EmbarrassedK]

I just read about the woman who lost her sister. That certainly is a tragedy. I knew this wasn't going to be an easy battle. I prepared myself for about three weeks, excited and anxious for the time to come. Now it's hear and I feel like I'm dying emotionally. I so badly just want to give in, but I look at the sad face on my son and it's keeping the other positive side of my mind going. I really feel like dirt. And honestly just wish this would all end now.

[msdelight]

honey its ok. One pill will not set you back that far at all. Just keep going, and it will be fine . Read the post above.

[EmbarrassedK]

What kills me is now will my symptoms be prolonged? I'm back to work on Monday and my day begins at 430am. I know I did this to myself. But I just can't deal with myself or anything right now. I truly have never been through anything like this in my life and I have been through some really bad sh*t. The mental anguish is just the absolute worst!

[EmbarrassedK]

There are no more left. I feel defeated. I took this week off of work specifically to have the normal 7 days to get it out of my system and now I'm back to day 1? It just kills me. I know what you said, I've reread many people's posts, but they don't seem to be louder than the negative voice in my head. I feel hopeless.

[LeapYearGUY]

Honey! Take a deep breath! Reset: tomorrow at 5 am you will have 24 hours again. Addiction is a disease and people with diseases have relapses.
So-called after care needs to start now! After your last pill and one day at a time into the present. Forgive yourself for being human and move on! It's a disease, not a moral issue.
Hugs.
After care!

[msdelight]

You really need to reread my post to you earlier on your "Im desperate" thread. You did it, its done, now get back on the wagon. See this relapse to its final conclusion. You are right back where you started. So, now what? Find every last pill you have in the house and flush them down the toilet like the turds they are. You (like me and many) are in love with these devils. Its a dysfunctional relationship and you must divorce yourself from them. Tell the kids you have the flu. Your life is on the line here. Im going to pull up a post id like you to read.