getting pi$$ed at the pills....finally

[NikkiB78]

ok...i'm gonna keep this short and sweet cuz honestly, all our stories pretty much end up with the same results.  i tried about 6 weeks to quit and i failed.  had the support of all my family, friends, and husband and failed.  "detoxed" for a weekend...and ended up back at the doctor for 120 more norcos that i ate in almost 2 weeks.  now got a script last monday for 90 percs and have 10 left.  so i am outta control more now than ever.  but here's the thing, at least in my own mind.  it's like i over indulge in them so they will be gone so i can be over this.  if that makes any sense?  i want to quit so bad and have for months now, but i cant get passed the habit.  the axiety is god awful, which i suffer from anyway...i cannot take benzos...they act as an immediate sleeping pill for me and i have a 1 yr old and 5 yr old to take of all day long.  a month ago my family doc put me on cymbalta and i was fairly honest in telling him i wanted to try it to try to stop narcotics...and it made me extremely apathetic and then i ended up having a reaction to it.  honestly, i am quite against a/d's anyway cuz they are just as bad if not worse to come off of.  been there done that with lexapro 4 years ago.

anyway....the hardest thing for me is i am surrounded by pills.  my husband, my mother, my father in law...everyone i am close to takes them.  husband hides his...i find them everytime if i am out.  i know u will all tell me to make sure he knows i'm trying, hide them better...blah, blah....but honestly?  this isn't his responsibilty.  it's mine.  why can't i find the self control to get off, stay off, and not seek them out?

ok now i'm in tears.  i went thru boxes of old pictures the other night to see what i looked like without pills.  to try to bring back memories of a time in my life when i wasn't taking them.  i couldn't find any throughout the last 5 years.  since the time my daughter was born.  i don't want to be this kind of mother.  it's not that i'm stoned all day and can't take care of my kids...i take from 5-8 percs a day right now but thats just to be normal.  nooooo buzz...nothing like that.  i am a smoker...and it's like i just cant put them "down" like u just become used to smoking when u wake up, after you eat, before bed, etc.  i get nothing from it, as a matter of fact i hate it, but i can't stop.

i have prayed so hard and asked god for deliverence and it hasn't come.  so then i get mad.  i get frustrsated and disappointed that He doesn't even care.  which i know isn't true.  i grew up in the church all my life.  my mom was once a big addict on everything immaginable...went to a revival in the 70's and was delivered of everything.  no withdrawal, no cravings, just a miracle.  i went to one with her at her church a couple months ago expecting the same thing and got nothing.  i know it doesn't happen for everyone, but when  i cry out to god why won't he help me?  it's so very discouraging.  debbie...i know you'll be able to shed some light on this.

so much for short and sweet ;)  i really want to go to counseling.  i do.  i am a stay at home mom and it's so hard for me to find a sitter during the day.  i usually take my kids to doc appts with me, but i know i can't with a counseling appt.  my husband works very long hours and the last thing he wants to do is watch 2 crazy kids when he gets home from work.  i know in a perfect world but needs to be done...and i know u will all take the liberty in telling me also...but keep in mind that everyone's life situations are different.  i am ashamed to admit that being a SAHM has made this extremely hard.  i would venture to say it's the reason why i can't quit.  i read Gnarly...how u lost an awesome job but had to to protect your sobriety.  i feel like i need to get outta this damn house and interact with people.  but i refuse to let someone else raise my kids.  yes....it would be better for them to have a sober mother even it meant me going back to work...but i don't have a career where i could get into a high paying job....so the cost of daycare would offset any income.  anyway...thats neither here nor there, as this is something my husband and both discussed before we even got engaged.  i would raised our kids, no one else.  thats just us.  nothing against working moms and daycare.  i think its great.  i'm just so bored and stressed with the screaming, fighting, diapers, feeding alllll fraking day long that pills have just been "mommy's little helper".

well now i'm pi$$ed.  i'm pissed that i play these games with doctors.  that instead of cleaning my house right now or working in the garden...i have to sit here and write this book in desperation for support.  i am a slave.  but i am mad.  i am tired of this whole thing but i don't know how to end it.  well now i dont have a choice.  i have 10 pills left.  no appt even set up and requested all my records from the pain mgt doc be sent to my family doc.  so that is over.  thats where i got them in the first place.  

blah, blah, blah....i could go on and on.  i read every single post on here everyday....sometimes more than once.  so i know all about the recipes, the counseling, the meetings, everything i need to do.  i'm just trying to ge there.  but i've never been this mad.  so hopefully i can do this.  when i'm pissed i usually accomplish alot.  the adreline gets me going i guess.  so maybe this time it'll happen.  i hope so.  we bought a boat a month ago and feel like if i can just get on the water and ride this thing out under the sunshine and on the open water maybe i can.  sounds dumb i know.

please go easy on me as some of you know me from previous posts.  hubby and i are fighting big time right now as he is in a stressful place himself right now, so i am very fragile and very angry right now.  i just need the support.  the "you can do it's" and maybe some similar stories.  if i had a job and my kids were in daycare, and i could take a week off work while they are still there and do this...i could.  but that's not my life.  so if anyone could relate that'd be great.  this place has been my solace in trying to fight this and become knowledgeable, so i appreciate that.  i really do.

[atthebeach]

hey my friend how are you doing? i hope and pray you are staying strong in the LORD and the power of HIS might. keep fighting the fight. dont give up.

[overopiates]

Nicole we have been doing a few private messages(my story will hopefully be a good ead for u) but I forgot 2say1thing.U cant b mad or disappointed at god.Let me tell u he isnt going to make this easy.U can't expect for him to say ok she says she wants to quit lets just not give her detox.Girl we have talked and up until u said ur pissed I wasnt sure if u were really gonna do thisI KNOW now though that my new friend is gonna kick a$$.Think of it like this god sent u HERE to get advice and support.U have2 remember GOD didnt get u addicted...NICOLE got u addicted.ITS KIND OF LIKE GOD SAYING I LEAD U HERE...UR MOVE.He wants to see how commited you r,hoow much ur willing2sacrifice,how hard u work,how much u want it.I cant wait til we talk&u say wow I cant believe its been3/4days Im starting2feel better.Cant wait for5,7,10,14days where u say oh wow LIFE SOBER is great.It sounds cheesy/corny but I am sure a lot more than just me feels that way&has said that out loud).Remember u have to quit but god is right there w/u.PRAY not for some miracle of no w/d(which btw will b a big reason why u wont wanna relapse because once u get to the otherside of w/d u will realize oh wait that sucked and I dont want to b on those stupid pills anyway),u will enjoy ur life again,ur children,waking up not neediing pills to be happy.It might take5days til u feel this,10 maybe even20 to wake up and have no problem w/all of ur SAHM work but u will realize that some of the things u thought of as chores are actually really fun like ur kids.U seem pretty cool right now I bet ur awesome sober...only1way2find out girl!!!Oh and don't get scared I really dont think it will b long after u detox that u start becoming"the REAL YOU"AGAIN.I am finally really sleepy so goodnite I will send u that message2morrow.I am praying for u n a minute for god to give u the support and help u find the strength u need(I think u already have it and just don't realize it YET...U WILL.

[atthebeach]

hey nikki,
i am so glad to see you posting you have been on my heart and in my prayers.
i am happy that you are mad. you need to be so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
hun you are the only one who can make the decision to stop taking the pills and then do it. the LORD is there for you,he has given you a free will. you have to put your hand to the plow and not look back. you have to ask the LORD to increase your faith ,and then believe,hope and trust that the LORD will deliver you. but you have to take the first step. every journey begins with one step. step out in faith, step into the waters, HE will not let you drown. HE will lift you up.  so step out of the boat ,get on the water and ride this thing out under the sunshine and on the open water. the LORD is right there with you. i am here praying you through.
rebuke the devil and he will flee. greater is HE that is in you then he that is in this world
sending many hugs and lots of prayers
debbie

[overopiates]

I knew I would hit a nerve cause I got pissed BIG TIME/TOTALLY OFFENDED when my husband said pretty much the exact same thing I said2u2me LOL.I'm gonna add u as a friend&send u a private message too with my name;)Glad2hear u admit its true&I'm proud of for that.I know ur gonna do it now.Admitting the real truth to urself is the1st REAL step.

[NikkiB78]

Overopiates----I wish I knew your real name. Girl...u actually Offended me with some of what u wrote. Because u are right.  All of it. I am at my moms right now with the kids hiding from my jackass of an irritable husband for the day. But I'm gonna message u tonight when I get home. Too hard from my iPhone with it's stupid spellcheck. Lol

To everyone else---I will response to your posts this evening. Thank u so much for the support and the honesty. I wish I could hop on the computer right now and respondent hours but I can't at the moment. Keep it coming. I'll talk to y'all tonight. Xo

[overopiates]

  I know that's a long post I know exactly how u feel.I want u to experience life w/ur hubby&kids sober its awesome&I want u2get ur power back.I also take cymbalta its works great now that I'm off pills it didn't work at all or stand a chance again all those opiates LOL.When u decide2quit u need not worry about w/d.U need to taper VERY SLOW UNDER DR'S supervision.May take3months but then u won't w/d.Work on the opiates right now.U have forgotten what its like to just b happy/really sober&normal.I DID.IT'S AMAZING SO JOIN ME.The grass is greener here I promise

[overopiates]

I didn't read all the responses because I want2tell u what I think and not leave anything out cause some1else may have said it.1st u said u take them n abundance so u can"get rid of them because you wanna quit".U said being a SAHM is a big part of the abuse to deal w/the stress,that u don't go2get counseled because HE doesn't wanna watch2 screaming kids after work,u don't get a buzz from8tabs u feel normal NOT BUZZED".I too am a SAHM+wife(I do ALL the housework,most of the stuff for/with my VERY HIGH ENERGY20month old son,I do the grocery shopping,pay the bills etc).I said EXACTLY the same stuff about why I took the pills WORD4WORD girl.I1st wanna let u know that u r getting a buzz EVERYDAY.You say normal is how u feel(I said the same b4I quit).U have2realize that"normal"4us as addicts is high.Normal means u can do all the things u wouldn't do if u didn't have ur pills that day(u would probably not get anything done if u were out of pills right)ur so far n2ur addiction that high seems normal...been there.Also this goes4the idea that u the kids r a reason too.U cant do normal mommy duties w/o  pills.U take them so fast so there gone+u wanna quit.That's just an excuse2justify taking a ton of them.Ur rationalizing+making this acceptable2urself(we all have done that but u keep doing it and it hasn't worked AT ALL for u being able to stop).U won't tell ur husband2hide his meds better cause its not his fault/issue it urs.NO its because deep down u wanna know that if u want some u can find them+that's ruined if u tell him(my husband would hide mine&I would find them and I wouldn't tell him I knew where they were2hide them better/take them w/him.I justified saying there mine or I don't want him to think less of me because I was searching4them,any excuse2justify it.I realize sober I DIDN'T WANT HIM2MOVE THEM SO I COULD TAKE WHAT I WANTED plain&simple).As4ur therapy excuse.Let's get real he would b fine w/watching them so u could get some help any supportive mate would.You don't want others raising ur kids.Dont  worry ur raising them but there's nothing wrong w/some1watching them for a couple hours so u can go2therapy or just spend sometime getting you time(I had the same issue w/that&it was really hard at first w/being ok w/even my MIL or his dad/my husband watching him so I could feel like I was still a 29yr old woman,as much as I love my son I have to b around other people,just b n the world etc my husband works REALLY HARD LONG HOURS he is just fine w/watching our son so I can see my addiction counselor1-2Xa week.U said ur family was supportive can any of them watch the kids occasionally so u can get free time4urself or w/ur husband?You need2realize whether ur family,husband or a sitter(which isn't a lot for just2-3hours isnt expensive and ur sobriety&sanity r worth it)and it doesnt mean some1else is raising ur kids.That's when u have a nanny&u never see ur kids.YOU CAN DO THIS.If I could ANYONE CAN&ur almost a carbon copy of me w/ur situation&"reasons"(which u will realize as I have  r just excuses ur addiction r giving u to make this vicious cycle ok n ur head.I want u2know that I get it ALL of it u could have wrote this about me practically word4word3months ago.I was taking more though averaging10-15 10's a day.I quit c/t WORST of physical w/d's were over by day4I did use xanax minmal4they anxiety+sleep but u said u can't take them but u know ALL the stuff u need2do through posts.Has any1told u about clonidine?That helped me SO much through w/d w/diarreah,anxiety,no energy all kinds of symptoms+immodium is a life saver.Clonidine is a BP med but also used4opiate w/d.U need a prescription but u seem like u could get1cause u have2drs all u have to do is call let the know ur quitting+call them n.Any Dr will do that for u since ur quitting+they may call n other things to help w/ur c/t detox like something4anxiety that's not strong like xanax(Thomas recipe say valium r the best).YOU CAN DO THIS I'M HERE WITH U EVERY STEP OF THE WAY SWEETIE I PROMISE even20X a day if need be.Ur stronger than the pills.U need2realize that there only n control until u take the power back.I'm almost90days clean haven't been clean from1thing or another this long since15.

[usedtobefunny]

Vicki is 100% correct. You just have to make your mind up that it IS over. It is just over.

Unfortunately no one is going to say just the right thing to you, in just the right way to make you stop. Quitting is just something that someone has to work up the anger/frustration/will power to do on their own. Now once you have stopped, I believe people can say the right words to help motivate you to keep from picking up the pills again, it is just the hump of quitting that you have to get over by yourself.

I do have a couple of things I would like to share with you that helped me tremendously.

First, you said you have the stuff for the Thomas recipe. Start taking the stuff now, even though you are still taking the pain pills. I was shocked to discover that on day 2 of taking both my pills and Thomas recipe items that I just didn't have the huge craving for the pills. I woke up in the morning at 8am, hadn't taken any pills since 9pm the night before and was shocked I didn't have the urge to take 2 right away like usual. ( I always placed 2 on my nightstand every night before I went to bed so I could take them as soon as my alarm went off without having to get out of bed, then hit the snooze for 30 minutes so by the time I physically had to get up they were in my system)

It really did help to tell myself that I was 11 hours clean that morning, which technically I was always 8-12 hours clean every morning but I never really looked at it like that before.

I also decided that I was going to war with myself, and I was going to win. Period. I actually, many times, said out loud to my cravings "Go F yourself." When my brain started rationalizing that it wouldn't hurt to take just 2, because I had taken 15 all the days before and 2 was better than 15, I would say out loud to that part of my brain "Go F yourself." Of course I understand that you have children around and I didn't, so I could talk to myself like a crazy person. If you are the type of person that thinks that could help you, run to the bathroom and lock the door and say it.

I don't know how long you wait after you get up in the morning to take your first pill, but tomorrow just wait a little longer. Then once you have waited an extra 30 minutes, tell yourself that didn't kill you and of course you can wait that long just one more time, and before you know it you will have gone longer than you have before (at least voluntarily) If you can do that, you need to be super proud of that small little victory and keep being proud of that victory and just keep at it. You have got to change your mindset!!

Say you make it 1 hour longer, then cave and take one, you need to say to yourself "woohoo, I did it, I waited, I didn't run right for the pills, I am doing this, I am changing!!" do not say "God this is too hard, I am never going to be able to do this, I hate myself so damn much, why am I doing this to myself, I am such an idiot"

You can do this, you really can. I have a journal entry that talks about how I have been using for over 10 years. It was actually way over 10 years....... 18 years to be exact. If I quit, anyone can quit. Do not be like me, do not take 18 years to pull your head out your ***. Seriously.

[vicki595]

Okay...But,the suggestion to get some "you" time was a good one!  We get into ruts and that's a problem. Add pills to the mix and it's huge. You'll need to change up your routines,even if it's in just small ways at first.  Check out some meetings (AA is free) , get some books and start reading about addiction and what others have done to live a sober life. It's not as boring as you might think!!

[NikkiB78]

i don't have time to write alot now....but it was a daily dole he was doing with the taper.  the plan was to leve 4 a day for a week, 3 the next, and so on.  but i found them everytime anyway.  i'll write more later.  on my way out with a freaking screaming child!  ugh!

thanks vicki :)

[vicki595]

You know what?  You can help yourself just fine;that's why you're not hearing from God so much!!   I have an answer for you and I'll warn you: I have a response for just about everything!! If I don't,one of my friends here will! Cleaninitup and Tavia are on the same page and you'll get a ton of support from them. Let me tell you this: I took a lot of pills,every single day,for many,many years. Decades!  I was a child when they were first prescribed for me. I did this and I KNOW you can!!

First,go in to see your doctor. You have to tell him anyway. He'll help you taper,even if you have to go there every day!  Your husband can hold the pills and ONLY leave you with a days worth...not a week!  I would have failed with that set up too!!

You are not screwed! But,you need to change your attitude a little. This is not a negative thing. It's a positive thing!!  You're going to be well!!   Right now you're sick!   You won't die or lose an arm!! Just buck up a little and get it done!!

We'll be here,okay?

[NikkiB78]

thanks girls :)

tapering is not an option for 2 reasons (not excuses).  first off...i have no more pills coming after these last 10.  eventhough my new family doc said he could take over for my pain mgmnt doc once he got my records...he will also see that i just filled 90 perc 7.5's last monday.  so its not like i can call him tomorrow and ask for a refill.  secondly....i tried a couple months back.  husband held them for me and doled out so many per week.  well that was the plan.  my goal was to be sober by sons first bday (may 26).  well i found them everytime.  then one morning he forgot to leave them before he left for work so i was up in arms cuz i couldn't tell him i knew where they were...so we got in a huge fight about it and i took them back.  i do not have the will power to taper.  period.  and he is the only one i have to hold them for me and whether he hides them in the house, his truck, or the lock box....i find them everytime.  and like i said....i'm not asking him for help anymore.  he takes percs as well and its hard to get help from a fellow addict.  although he wont admit to it.  whole other story right there.

so yes, i want to be done.  but frankly, this time i have no choice.  i joined this forum at the beginning of really considering quitiing, so yes i have relapsed and continue to struggle along the way.  i didn't come here because i was already on my way to getting clean...i came here to see how to do it and how to stay there.  and it's taking me this long.  i am so mad right now that i think being pissed off at the withdrawals that are inevitably going to hit by the weekend may actually push me thru.  i know how my mind works and if i am in feeling sorry for myself mode...its impossible.  but since we are fighting, and its an ugly one....and add this to the fire....look out!

i don't know.  i'm screwed anyway you slice it.  i have all the goods as far as supplements and such so i'm ready.  and honestly, i dont even care.  yeah...i say that now.  until i'm having panic attacks, severly aching legs, cold flashes in 90 degree weather, and no sleep.

o.m.g. lord help me.

[tavia14]

Oh you are so not alone!! Mothers little helper is where it all started for me!!! I only have one lil muchkie but I know the feeling of work, work, work never ending. I stayed home for a bit but did end up back in the work force and for me I think that was helpful althoughit did not stop me from using :( The last 3 years of life life have been a complete blur and there is no way I am missing anymore of my child's life. I went through hell to have her ( 6 miscariages, the last one being twins at 5 months) She is my true miracle baby. I think getting clean for her has helped and being so freakin pissed off at myslef along with those ******* pills and how I could have ever let myself get there! UGH!!! Anyway you definitely sound mad enough. You can do this! I have done it more than once and it's friggin hell. I mean hell! BUT and I mean BUT there is a light at the end..FOR REAL. I am on day 18 and believe my body still feels like I have sone some serious damage BUT again everday is a fraction better than the last...Once you go through the hell the fog SLOWLY starts to lift. There is no fast forward and believe being a drug addict I want  that feel good now! But I have to know that it is going to take time. I just need to keep truding forward and for me there is no relapse anymore..I know it happens BUT I just can't do it anymore the next time would probably be the end for me I am no spring chicken and you know what my lil girl deserves to have her mommy......You can do this! We will do it together! Forever!

[cleaninitup]

Listen to what Vicki said above and I'm going to tell you a little of my story too so you are not alone in this.We had just about the same useage and home life. I was doing 5-6-7-8 a day and not enough to get any buzz just enough to feel "normal".I work part time but am home with 3 kids and that takes alot out of you,mentally and physically.So I had the same thoughts also I can't do this with the kids ect and came up with alot of excuses why I couldn't.Finally got on a doc taper and over 8 weeks finally got down to 2 a day and jumped at that point.I planned it so my last one was on wed night and had the worst of the wds over the weekend and then just toughed it out during the week when hub went back to work.Working is tough with kids and I will be honest I don't do it for the money lol-acouple of weeks ago after paying the sitter I made $1.75! Lmao yup that was it but I need to get out of the house on a regular basis,and it is worth it too me.I work 2 weekday nights ( hub watches the kids) and sunday day ( again he watches them) and also Thursday day and we have a sitter for then.Lets work on getting you clean then we will work on getting you out of house because it can be done.So think about what Vicki asked you and lets go from there and know you are not alone on here :-)  H

[vicki595]

Hi!   It's going to be okay;it really is...I read through your post and I understand. I think you just need to make a couple of decisions here: First,you have to decide to make your mind up that it's over. You need to decide how to end it. You are out of control but you can get right into control. It's all in your head! I'm serious. Once you have the mindset,you'll make it. Every day gets a little easier until you're laughing!!

For you,I think you need to taper. You need help with it and someone to trust. I tapered because I HAD to but I'll tell you: it wasn't that bad. It gave me a lot of time to prepare for the end mentally. You really are saying goodbye to what you feel is a best friend. (Which is a bunch of BS,anyway!) You can taper a tiny bit over a long period of time. The withdrawal is minimal. I think it beats being really sick at home and you're not alone all day!!  You have to stick to it,though. You have to commit!

What do you think?  What do YOU want to do. Something needs to change because this is only going to get worse.  Stop trying to fight it. Accept the addiction and move on from it. It's more powerful than all of us but you can get past it. Anyone can. It's just in your head!!

Let us know...I've got a few other thoughts but this is enough for now!