Relapsed!

[cleansweep1813]

I just celebrated my 1 year anniversary of being clean on August 1, 2014... But on August 8, 2014 I broke and started  to binge on vicodins... Today is the start of my sobriety clean date... I'm so upset but refuse to beat myself up... No one knows I've binged and it's hard to go through withdrawals in secret... Just trying to be positive

[meegWpaw]

hey cs sorry to hear about your relapse, just get up and keep fighting!  i can relate to a lot of what you said.  for me after many relapses i have found that it helps if i try to get as much support as possible ... not just 12 step or some rough equivalent but i have also found an addiction specialist therapist and i think that is helping me a lot.  you're right ... don't beat yourself up!  too bad you cant tell your secrets to those around you i hope you can soon ... but great job of being honest here.  that takes guts!  :)

[IBKleen]

You are 100% percent correct. You do have a disease which has no cure. But you can choose now to be an active addict or an addict in recovery. You can't do this alone. Your best thinking got you here again. It's time to make a change.

[cleansweep1813]

I know that when  my one year anniversary was approaching I felt very uncomfortable and I almost feel  like I should have kept it to myself I feel because I maybe boasted just a touch I was feeling over confident when I should have just kept my mouth shut said yay! To myself and kept it moving I  screwed with my own head and thought  I was stronger than I was... I feel like I should always have my guard up against these demons in my head! This is a disease and I have to make sure I'm constantly fighting to stay healthy!  

[IBKleen]

Well, for ME alcohol is a drug. Anything that is mind or mood altering falls in that category. Hun, it is different to be clean or to be in recovery. If you just put down the drugs nothing will change. Aftercare is a time to look at those things that made you use drugs in the first. No sane person would do what we do. You need to learn new behaviors and life skills. You need to arm yourself when that little voice says "Just 1". You know where that leads. So what do you think?

[cleansweep1813]

I know I should get some professional help I have a feeling it's my only real chance at real sobriety... I should add that I did drink occasionally during my sober year I figure I never had a problem with alcohol so it would be safe... I'm thinking maybe I was wrong even though I can  probably count  on one hand how many times I did drink well maybe a hand in a half...

[IBKleen]

Welcome back. Those anniversaries get ya every time. I get like a crazy person around my anniversary. It's the fear of failure and the fear of success.

I am sure you were told your first go around to seek aftercare. Do you think that is something you will do this time? Something has to change or you will continue on this merry-go-round. I suggest that you get humble and ask for help. We will be here to support you but I think you need support in the real world.

[cleansweep1813]

I've been an addict for 7 years... As soon as I tried  vicodin or  any pain medication for that matter I fell in love!... I feel I have nothing to look forward to if I can't take pills... They were /are my best friends! I can existed for a time as I proved with my year of sobriety without them  but I feel like I'm constantly on that tight rope! Feeling like I could/ did fall at any time! Life seems better high...

[lulu747]

Hi there and welcome back-

I am so sorry to hear about your relapse.  Have you identified the reasons why yet?  Are you involved in any aftercare?  If so have you confessed your relapse so you can get back on that horse support wise?
Relapse happens.  I think it's pretty common after certain milestones if we aren't doing continuous recovery work.  You think you're out of the woods and then...
Without knowing more about your story it's hard to say.  Why don't you share more about your relapse and what you are going to do to get back on the road to recovery?
BTW.  As you know, it's our secrets that keep us sick so I would HIGHLY suggest confessing and getting some support ASAP.
Sending support...
Lu